Different Moon
by summerleigh81
Summary: A rendition of New Moon. Edward 'leaves' differently changing how things happen. Can he really be gone forever and can Bella have the normal life he wanted for her? Sometimes the journey we take is very different, but the destination is the same.
1. Chapter 1

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Twilight or any of it's Characters. I don't own any Weezer lyrics or any ancient, Chinese proverbs (not matter how badly I butchered them).**

This begins roughly at the end of page 63 of New Moon with everything before to remain in tact. For the purposes of this story it will be called chapter one.

**Different Moon**

**Chapter 1**

It had been a long day. I hadn't seen Edward since yesterday. I trembled a little as I remembered how I had watched him drive away after he declined staying the night. I may have been shocked that he wasn't in school today if I hadn't been greeted by Alice as I walked to my first class. That was the only good thing about today that Alice was finally back. We hadn't talked much at school, but she promised that she would come by later so that we could talk.

I removed the key from my truck's ignition and the change in the volume still didn't cease to amaze me. I ran up the steps and after unlocking the door I stumbled across the floor and threw my backpack on the table. It nearly slid off the other end, but stopped at the edge. I had enough time to go freshen up before I would go out to the woods behind my house to meet Alice. She thought it would be best just in case Charlie came home in the middle of our conversation. Although if Alice offered it as a maybe I considered it to be more of a certainty. Looking in the bathroom mirror I was reminded again how normal, how plain I looked in comparison to them, compared to Edward. Lost in thought I jumped realizing that I needed to go meet Alice. In a bit too much of a hurry I about fell down half the stairs before I caught myself on the railing. I had tripped on something. Probably thin air I thought to myself. I grabbed my jacket from the back of the chair as I headed out the door. At least it wasn't raining, but Alice probably already took that into account. I was surprised that she wasn't already there so I just kept walking. It wasn't really like Alice to be late, but we hadn't actually talked since…my birthday…since Jasper -. Well, it didn't matter she knew I had no blame for anyone…except for myself. I continued to walk listening to the crunch of the leaves that had already fallen and twigs beneath my feet. I let out a big yawn. I really hadn't slept well, last night. I had a weird dream, weird even for me, but I couldn't quite remember it. I struggled to get the images to return to my mind as I listened to the crunch, crunch under my feet. I'm not sure how long I had been walking, but all of a sudden I felt a cool breeze across my face and the ever stylish Alice was standing right in front of me. My face lit up automatically, but she was not her usual perky self. I guess she really hadn't been all day, but I was just so glad to have her back that I hadn't noticed. Not only that, but I can't notice everything. I am only human after all and dealing with one moody vampire was more than I could handle. Maybe she would shed some light on that mystery too. After all now that she was back I could ask her all the questions that I originally had wanted to bombard her with and I wouldn't have to use my back up plan of bothering Carlisle with all of my questions.

After getting a better look at her grave expression my face dropped uncontrollably. I no longer felt the anticipation and hope that I was filled with when I first saw her and I paused to take a second look at her. Her eerie expression coupled with her dark outfit made me shudder. She had on a black dress that hugged her petite figure. The lace trim gently hung around her neck, the cuffed, short sleeves clung to her small arms, and the thick waistband only exaggerated her thin middle before the dress billowed out like a tiny black cloud that whirled around her knees in the breeze. It looked like an outfit straight from a 1950's sitcom. After giving it a second thought it really could be from the '50's, but I shook my head at the silly thought and returned my concentration to the dismal figure that stood before me. Everything from the black ribbon that sat in the middle of her head separating the smooth bangs from the spiky back of her black hair down to the black shoes that adorned her tiny feet, she was completely in black. Her pale skin stood in contrast which only intensified her solemn look. She looked like she just left a funeral and I blurted out "Wow, who died?" under my breath, but I had no doubt that she heard me. I didn't think much of it since if she had remembered anyone from her human past they would probably be long since passed and as far as everyone else well, they're immortal. That's why I barely understood her when she instantly replied "Edward." I stood there dazed I obviously heard her wrong or she misunderstood me. "Wh-what?" I stammered. Alice let it all flow out of her little, perfect mouth careful not to speak too fast for me, but spoke just fast enough to purge the words from her mouth as if they were poison should could bear no longer to hold in. I stood there in disbelief. I was waiting for this mistake to be cleared up or better yet waiting for Edward to walk up and wrap his cold arms around me. The longer I waited the more I realized that wasn't going to happen.

Alice's account began "You know Edward makes sure that nothing happens to you when you're sleeping, that he checks on you. "

I wasn't quite sure what I knew at the moment, but this was not a question nor did she pause for my response.

She continued "Last night Victoria was stalking your house and nearby areas when she got especially close. Edward tried to her intercept her."

I shivered, but I wasn't cold. There were a million things swirling around in my head. Each thought more chilling than the one before. I couldn't believe Victoria was here…so close and that it all happened here, while I slept, because of me.

Alice was still talking "Edward didn't know what he was going to find and Victoria was preparing for an attack at a later time, an unplanned time I imagine. That's why I didn't…didn't see." A pang of guilt shot across her face. "We didn't make it in time." Her voice fell at the end and what sounded like a sob came out as she took a breath. She quickly started again "Victoria fled with Emmett, Jasper, and Carlisle in close pursuit. Rosalie, Esme, and myself stayed to…to tie up loose ends. They have already left to join the hunt."

I silently wished that I could join them. I got lost in thoughts of seeking revenge, if in fact I could actually be of any help, but that was beside the point at the moment. I was ripped from my thoughts by a shrill voice exclaiming "Bella, you're turning blue!"

I gasped at the sound of her voice and realized that I actually needed to make a conscious effort to breathe. Just then a breeze made me shiver as it blew against my tear soaked face although I hadn't even noticed that I was crying. The breeze was long gone and the air felt very still, too still, but I was still shaking.

Alice's guilt stricken face stared back at me as her lips gently began to move

"Bella, I have to go now."

I nodded.

"So, I'll see you when you get back?" I managed to spit out between the low sobs that had begun to escape my mouth.

She shook her head. "We're not coming back."

There was just too much hurt to get out a coherent response, but I'm sure it was conveyed on my face because Alice responded.

"We just can't …without Edward."

"But…" I tried to protest, but she placed her hands gently on my shoulders and said "Even if we could bare it, what explanation would we give what new charade would we have to put on?" She paused briefly to try to shake some of the grief out of her voice it didn't work but she continued "A fresh start will be best for everyone."

Afresh start? I couldn't even comprehend what she was saying. What was I supposed to do go on like he never existed!?!

"Will you at least give me a call when…the hunt is over?" I didn't know how else to say it so I just used her word for it, but I was thinking more like _revenge._

"We don't think that would be best." Alice said very quietly.

I was trembling very hard by this point and when it eased it took me a moment to realize that Alice had wrapped her stone arms around me. It was as if the Grand Canyon itself had embraced me. She stepped back a bit so our eyes could meet, but she never released her arms from me. Her lips quivered and when she spoke my name it was as if I had been struck by lightning. The electrical current shot down from my head all the way down to my toes. It wasn't actual lightning that struck me, even though I already knew that, it was the reality that nothing was going to be the same…ever. It felt like the forest was spinning and I may have fallen over if Alice hadn't been holding on to me.

"Bella, Bella, can you hear me?"

I refocused and was looking into Alice's eyes again although I'm not sure if I actually had looked away. I listened as Alice seemed to struggle with speaking again after everything she already had said.

"Bella, this is very important. We are leaving to take care of this…of Victoria, but not only that. We have to make sure that no one else will come to hurt you." She seemed to struggle with getting the following words out and she shook her head as if that would help dispel them from her mouth "Edward would not want that to happen." Her head hung heavy once she did finally get the words out and she looked towards the ground for a moment until she looked back up at me. Some of the guilt had been masked with the intensity as she continued "Nobody blames you, Bella. This wasn't your fault." Her voice was shaking, but it had nothing to do with a lack of sincerity as she spoke. Her words weren't exactly truthful because someone did blame me more than anyone else could…myself. She tightened her grip on my arms slightly as she said "You have to be ok, nothing bad can happen to you Bella, it would…"

Defeat the whole purpose of Edward…fighting for me, for Edward being gone, gone from us forever, that it would be all for nothing. We both knew that was the reason, but neither one of use would say it.

I was shaking at the thought 'all for nothing' which was exactly how I was feeling anyway.

"Bella, you have to promise me you will do your best."

She barely choked out the words and it broke my heart into a million more pieces. Whenever I felt as if I couldn't break anymore I was proven wrong.

I nodded my head in response to Alice's request, but knew I owed her, owed E..everyone the promise and at least as much as the words so I mustered enough strength to barely get out a whisper but I wholeheartedly meant it when I said "Yes, I promise.".

I was still shaking when Alice briefly kissed my cheek and then disappeared. It had pained her to be here, with me, to speak the words. She felt just as much guilt as I did; I could see it in her eyes. She just couldn't bear to be here another second and I really couldn't blame her. I didn't want to be here either.

I was staring up at the leaves looking at the cracks in between where the sunlight barely seeped through. I was staring for quite awhile before I realized I was looking up because I was lying on the ground, but it didn't motivate me to move. It was like time had stopped and I blinked hard to try to find the sunlight that once poked through the leaves, but it had long since disappeared. It was then that I caught a glimpse of the moon. It must have escaped the cover of the clouds for a brief moment and I let out a painful sigh. It was the same moon that had sat in the sky the night before and all the nights prior. All of the nights I had spent with _him _and yet it wasn't. It was a different moon. And I was a different Bella. I was no longer the Bella that had love or hope or… I couldn't even think of his name and I stopped my mind from going there. Nothing mattered in that moment; it felt as if nothing would ever matter again. How could it? I was missing the things that no one should be without, love and hope, and in their place was an empty space. A hole in my heart.

It was then that I heard the voices calling my name in the distance. At that moment I didn't really care if they found me, if anyone ever found me, but instinctively I opened my mouth to call out to them and when nothing came out I closed my eyes and just laid there until all I could hear were the raindrops around me.

I opened my eyes as if I had been startled awake, but I don't think I was actually sleeping. I heard the voices again, further away this time and I didn't even make an attempt to call out this time, having no faith in my feeble voice. It was then that I heard noises that sounded like an animal walking lightly in the same crunchy leaves and twigs I had walked in earlier.

'_Perfect' _I thought. What could be a more fitting, a more appropriate ending to this day than me being ripped to shreds by wild animals?

But the noises stopped and I barely had time to snap out of my crazy thoughts when a flickering light passed by my face and then all of a sudden the bright light was all that I could see.

"Bella."

The voice had no familiarity, but he was not calling my name in search as the others had. He was confirming that I was found. Looking up at him he seemed to be as tall as the trees, but I was reminded that I was lying on the ground when he reached out his hand. When I not as much acknowledged his existence, not to mention his hand, he said "Have you been hurt?"

Unsure as to how to answer I continued to stare. With minimal hesitation the tall man swept me in his arms and swiftly carried my limp body through the forest. Any other day being carried off into the night by a stranger would be cause for alarm, but not this day. There just wasn't anything left in me to upset.

The man, Sam Uley he said his name was, stopped when he came upon my father.

He must've handed me over because the next thing I knew Charlie was gently laying me onto the couch. At this point I was considering the likeliness that I wouldn't even have to make the effort of climbing up the stairs to my bedroom thinking that surely someone would scoop me up and transport me like a human escalator long before I would even have to make the effort to do so myself. I had become 'Bella Swan – sack of potatoes' or at least I was being carried around as casually as such. What an absurd thing to be thinking about and that's when I noticed the dozen or so people standing in my house. They were staring at me wondering, no doubt, what the heck I was thinking about just laying there with a blank look in my eyes. Well, it was better to let them stand there and think I'm crazy then to open my mouth with "Oh, I was just picturing myself as a burlap sack of potatoes' and confirming it for everyone.

"Bella, Can you hear me? Are you hurt?" Dr. Gerandy said very calmly. I don't know how long he was standing directly in front of me, but I was trying to answer his questions. I was nodding my head because I could hear him and then I started shaking it because I supposed the correct answer was that I wasn't hurt.

I saw the confusion in his face as he watched my head go every which way and the odd wobbling was probably causing the doctor and everyone else to wonder if I had been muted by the whole ordeal. So, I began to say "I'm, I'm not hurt. I'm ok." It came out raspy and choked and was probably the furthest thing from the truth, but as far as it pertained to the doctor's assessment I suppose it was just as much the truth as anything else. When the doctor was through with taking my pulse and whatever else he was doing or saying I closed my eyes and tried to make everything go away, the doctor in front of me, all of the people in my house, the day…everything. Or maybe I was trying to bring everything back happiness, hope, normalcy, Alice, E… No I shook my head. I wasn't going to think about this, not here, not now. I prefer not to have an audience when I break into hysterics. So, I backed up – happiness. How could I ever be happy again? Hope. What was there to have hope and dream for now? And normalcy, yeah, I almost chuckled on that one, but I've never been normal so what if my best friend and boyfriend were vampires? The routine we had developed over the past several months was normal to me. It was the only thing I could even hope for now. I shuddered at the past tense and decided to stop thinking about it before I blurted something out loud and was carted off to the looney bin.

Dr. Gerandy continued speaking to my father saying that everything seemed fine and that I was probably just exhausted. He added that he would check on me in the morning, after I got some sleep. The next thing I knew I was being scooped up and taken upstairs. Yep, Bella Swan – Sack o' potatoes.

Charlie laid me down on my bed and told me he would be right back. I understood since he still had a room full of people downstairs and the phone had begun to ring off the hook.

I was still damp and uncomfortable, but it was better than the alternative -moving. So I just laid there and…nothing. I just laid there.

**AN - I know it's starts at a sad point, but let me know what you think :)**


	2. Chapter 2 NO

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Twilight or any of it's characters. **

**Chapter 2**

**No**

I'm not sure how long I've been here in my bed. The days and nights have just blurred together so that I didn't even know which was which at any given time. Even trying to remember how many times the sun had gone up and down didn't help. 7? 14? A million? I had no idea.

At that moment the weight shifted on my bed and I realized that someone had sat down. That's weird, Charlie usually won't stay in here longer than it takes to set down or take away a glass of water and a plate of food. That's when a hand fell gently onto my back and started stroking in a very comforting, very motherly…

"Mom!?!"

"Honey, it's ok. I'm here to take you home."

"What are you talking about? I am home"

"No, home with me, with Phil, in Jacksonville."

There was a pause, but I wasn't very responsive or alarmed for that matter. I just rolled back over since nothing was making any sense. She continued speaking while she never stopped her gentle rubbing and patting on my back.

"It's ok, we don't have to go right this second."

She said it so casually as if that was what I was really concerned with. The bed lifted, the rubbing ceased, and I only heard rustling and quiet movements after that. I just ignored it for awhile until I realized what she was doing and then I rolled over and shot off the bed in one swift movement and the next thing I knew both of my feet were on the floor and I was looking into my mom's shocked face.

"What do you think you're doing!?!" I shouted.

But, clearly she knew what she was doing. She was packing her crazy daughter's belongings to drag back home.

"Bella" She calmly said as she placed a hand on my shoulder. Clearly she was trying to calm me, but it failed…miserably.

"Put my stuff back. I'm not going anywhere." I growled through my teeth.

She responded a little less gentle and a lot more agitated.

"This is what's best for you. You cannot continue to go on this way. I'm sorry you don't want to go with me, but I'm not asking." She really did sound sorry but her matter-of-fact ending overshadowed any guilt I would normally feel.

All the while she continued taking my clothes out of the drawers and putting them in the suitcase. I started snatching the clothes right out of her hands, but I received no more than a cross look that an obstinate toddler would receive. So, I grabbed the whole darn suitcase and chucked it right across the room and then I sent everything that she had folded on my dresser flying across the room also until half of my belongings had rained down and lay scattered throughout the room.

"Not asking?!? Not asking?!? I am _not_ going!!! I am _not_ leaving!!!"

"I'm not leaving without you and one way or another you will be accompanying me on that plane tomorrow morning."

Tomorrow morning? Oh yeah, that is so not right this second. Maybe that's what sent me over the edge and maybe it wasn't, but I had just about enough of this as I could take. I exploded. "One way or another hell! You'll be taking me over my dead body. Literally. I will fight you the entire way and unless it's my lifeless corpse sitting next to you on that plane you _will _be alone tomorrow morning!"

It had to be the most melodramatic thing I had ever said in my entire life, but in that moment it really didn't feel that way.

"Can't you see that's exactly what's going to happen?"

Really? Apparently being so absurdly dramatic is hereditary or my mother was actually planning on taking my lifeless corpse home with her.

This was the first time she had raised her voice the entire time she had been in my room. Even when I ignored her, shoved her hand off of my shoulder, and made it rain shirts and panties all around us she had remained calm until now and she had my undivided attention. She continued.

"Don't you see that's _exactly_ what's going to happen, Bella? How long do you think you can stay in bed? Not eat? Not shower? Not do…anything?

Wow she was right. I would die right here in my bed, my stupid, smelly bed, where I spent all my time wallowing in my sadness and guilt and then…Alice's words from the forest rang in my head. Then it would be all for nothing. I collapsed to the floor and buried my face into my hands and just cried and cried. My mother sat next to me and put her arm around me until I eventually stopped out of exhaustion and rested my head on her shoulder. We talked and talked, but of nothing of real importance but it didn't matter. We were interrupted by a knock on the door. I guess after the screaming and suitcase throwing it had gotten rather quiet. He probably wanted to make sure my mother hadn't taken me up on my 'lifeless corpse' offer and after she said," Everything's fine, Charlie." He was quick to escape and was probably relieved he didn't have to come in. Renee convinced me to take a shower although at this point it really didn't require any convincing.

I emerged from the bathroom and I really did feel better. My hair was bearable to have in close proximity of my nose and the minty freshness of my teeth alone put me in a better mood. I shook my head not wanting to think about how I behaved and I sighed as I smelled the nice sent of fabric softener on my shirt. 'Dear Lord' I thought. Someone really should burn all of the clothes I just took off and if I had more energy at the moment I probably would have done it myself. I re-entered my room as Renee was just finishing putting clean blankets on the bed. She started to pick up clothes, but I begged her to let me do it instead. She seemed rather pleased and I could see the relief in her eyes. Well yeah, her daughter just argued with her to _not _clean her room for her. A big difference from the comatose Bella she found when she got here. I'm not even sure when she did get here.

She agreed to let me clean my own mess and took me downstairs to get something to eat and this time I got to go on my own accord (no more sack of potatoes Bella).

She made me oatmeal while I waited at the table. I'm sure she would've obliged any request that I made, but even trusting her with oatmeal took a great deal of faith.

**A/N – Reviews are better than throwing a suitcase across the room! ******


	3. Chapter 3 Note

DISCLAIMER - I do not own Twilight or its characters.

Chapter 3

Note

As the day wore on my mother was slowly convinced that I would not slip back into my coma and she was able to get an earlier flight out to Jacksonville late in the evening instead of waiting until morning. I had gathered that Renee had been sleeping on Charlie's couch and she was probably all too eager, now that I was somewhat functioning again, to end that sleeping arrangement.

Once they left for the airport I headed up to my room and was thankful to be doing so alone, hmph alone. I shook my head to regain my thoughts and to focus on the task at hand which was restoring my room to pre-tantrum state. I opened my door and let out a big sigh at the work that lay in front of me.

I was lucky that Charlie had agreed to leave me unsupervised, but he was none too eager to give in. If it hadn't been for my self-made diversion to keep me occupied and some gentle, coaxing words from my mom he would have dragged me along with them. I saw how hesitant and anxious he looked when he walked out the door. I imagined how he was feeling right now. He was probably barreling down the road sirens blaring, lights flashing and as he pulled up to the airport entrance without fully stopping he would practically toss both my mother and her suitcase onto the curb before screeching off into the night. Ok, so maybe he wouldn't be in that much of a hurry but the mental image it brought did almost make me laugh, almost, but there just wasn't any laughter left in me, not now.

I stood there for a moment frozen in concentration trying to remember the last time that I did actually laugh and after awhile I came to the conclusion it was probably with _him_ and before I could think his name and land myself back into my bed, I forced my feet to move and once I was in the middle of my clothes explosion I sat down and began sorting and folding all the clothes into piles and that's when the folded piece of paper fell onto my lap.

I picked it up and unfolded it slowly in my shaking hands, not quite sure what I would find. Perhaps it was a note left behind by my mother. Although I was certain that wasn't the case, it still helped ease my shaking hands somewhat. I grasped the opened note in my hands for fear the shaking would knock it right out. I looked down and at the first sight of fancy handwriting my heart stopped. I know that's a cliché thing to say, but I meant it in the most literal sense, my heart actually stopped beating, but it only took me a second to realize that it wasn't from…_him_…it was from Alice, still painful, but bearable.

She must've stuck it in my underwear drawer thinking that a normal person, one who changes her underwear on a regular basis, would find it rather quickly, so much for being normal or cleanly for that matter. Oh well, being normal is obviously overrated especially since I'm sitting here with a note from a vampire in my hand.  
Now that one came even closer to getting a chuckle, but still no dice.

The note read:

**Dearest Bella,**

**I know you will take what I said today very seriously as you know how important it is, but there is something else that is also very important. **

**Bella, I know you are not the most normal girl in the world, but please do your very best at having a normal life. You know how much it would mean to us for you to be able to be a normal teenager (or as normal as you can manage to be.)**

**I am so very sorry. I will miss you.**

**Love Always,**

**Alice Cullen**

I could barely read the end of the note as I tried to blink back tears, but they just fell and stained the note in my hands. One landed on the word 'Love' and left it marred. _How ironic_ I thought.

The words of the note were ringing in my head and I knew it wasn't 'us' that Alice was talking about. It was Edward.

"Oh!" I doubled over as a searing pain pulsated in my chest as I thought his name for the first time since…

But, I knew it was him that she was referring to as I remembered what a big deal he made about me going to prom. He had claimed it was some super important rite of passage, but those things were trivial and insignificant to me. I just laid there on the floor curled up with my knees against my chest as images of prom flashed in my head. This was just too much.

I had been working so hard to keep these memories out of mind, to keep him out of mind, his name, his face, his crooked smile, his smell…everything. I had so many feelings swirling around inside me I couldn't deal with just one, but I couldn't deal with all of them either. I was terrified that I would push myself to forget all of these things, but I was even more afraid of remembering them.

I laid there crying and shaking only trying to focus on one thing…Charlie. He could not come home and find me like this. I pushed all of the tormenting feelings aside and slowly my sobs grew weaker and my legs began to loosen.

Just then I heard Charlie pull up in the drive away and I quickly jumped to my feet and grabbed the folded piles that surrounded me and hastily shoved them in the drawers.

I walked out into the hallway leaving my room looking much better than it had earlier. I was at the top of the stairs when Charlie walked in the door behind him. I yelled "I'm just getting ready for bed I'll be right down, dad."

I made sure I was fully composed before I left the bathroom in my pajamas and headed down the stairs. I was so exhausted that I just wanted to crawl into my bed even though I just spent I don't know how many days in there, but I knew I needed to talk to Charlie even if to just put his mind at ease a little bit.

"Hey, dad" It wasn't as friendly sounding as I had hoped it would be, but it was better than nothing.

I sat on the couch and tried to sit casually and appear more comfortable than I actually was, but all of the effort I was putting forth to look casual undermined the whole purpose.

"Hey, Bella I'm glad you're still up."

This roughly translated to 'I'm glad you didn't return to your coma.'

I nodded because I was glad too and he continued.

"Yeah, we really haven't talked for over 2 weeks, Bells."

It was an awkward moment and Charlie reached out and tapped my leg a couple of times with his hand. It was so unlike Charlie, but it was so endearing.

Wow, over 2 weeks!

"Bella, I'm really sorry about Edward, but-"

"What? You know!?!" I didn't mean to interrupt but I was shocked.

"Well, sure Dr. Gerandy told me that night…the night that he was here... he told me that Carlisle had left the hospital abruptly once getting Edward's diagnosis and having to seek specialized care for him."

I must have looked terribly confused, but Charlie continued.

"Bella, it's not uncommon for someone going through something like this, a fatal disease, to withdraw."

I just nodded my head.

Apparently Carlisle had told the hospital that he was taking a job at the hospital adjoining the children's hospital where Edward was supposed to be receiving treatment. I believe Charlie had used the words 'kidney failure' and 'dialysis'. I was thinking hard about this. It was easier to think about this than the alternative…the truth. My thoughts were interrupted when Charlie began to speak again.

"Bella I was supposed to go fishing with Harry tomorrow, but I can cancel."

No, No dad, I'll be fine. Go ahead and have a good time." I protested. There was no need for him to suffer along with me…anymore than he already had.

Before I went to bed he promised that we would talk about school tomorrow. I agreed and then dragged myself to bed.

I was half asleep when my head hit the pillow, but the last thought in my mind was Edward lying in a hospital bed all the way across the country in Maryland. In this thought he wasn't here, but he was somewhere and that comforted me as I drifted off to sleep.


	4. Chapter 4 Dreams

Chapter 4

Dreams

I woke up to the most horrific screams I have ever heard in my life and I instinctively pressed my palms against ears before I realized the blood curdling noise was coming from my own mouth. I then promptly slid my hands from my ears to cover my mouth until finally my screams stopped. Charlie must have gotten used to my screams in the middle of the night because he never came to my room anymore but I didn't doubt he, and probably a couple of neighbors, was awakened by the terrifying sounds.

The past couple of weeks I had horrible dreams of darkness and nothingness that would engulf me and send me into uncontrollable screaming, but nothing compared to tonight. The nightmare, the screams…they were incomparable.

Tonight I dreamt that I was sleeping in my bed and Edward was next to me, my head nestled on his rock, hard chest with his equally hard arm wrapped around me protectively. I stirred in my bed at the sound of thunder and awoke to find myself alone, but continued to hear the noise that was beginning to sound less and less like thunder. It was definitely loud like thunder, but at the same time it was horrifying. The deafening sound had an undertone of growling and hissing, but was superseded by horrible screeching that could only be described as a mixture of banshee like screams and nails down a chalkboard. I then heard muffled voices. The only voice I could make out was Alice's. I was surprised I even recognized because it was so sad and guilt stricken that mere words can't even begin to describe it, but I knew it was her voice and she said "Why do we both have to be monsters!?!". That's when I woke up screaming.

I lay curled up and rocked back and forth sobbing in my pillow hoping that Charlie would not hear me. My mind was spinning all over the place, but I would not let it settle to the place that I knew was the truth. I knew what I dreamt. It was the dream I tried to remember that day I walked in the forest to meet Alice…the worst day of my life. Thinking of that day I remembered Alice's tortured face which made me wonder what her question meant 'Why do we both have to be monsters?'.

Was she arguing with someone about having to tell me? Or maybe Alice meant that _she and I _were both monsters. It made perfect sense to me because I absolutely felt like a monster, especially at that given moment and I knew why Alice felt so guilty.

The sounds of the screeching and screaming were echoing in my head and all I could do was lie there shaking and crying until the sun finally rose and bright sunbeams fell on my face.

I peered out the window to verify that Charlie already left, but remained in bed for awhile not really thinking or doing anything which reminded me way too much of the past couple of weeks. So, I came to the conclusion that I just couldn't accept what those sounds were. It was too awful and too heart wrenching and I just couldn't do it.

Knowing what I had to do, I forced myself out of bed and dragged myself to the shower. I just stood there under the hot water, not wanting to move, as if it could somehow wash away everything I was feeling. I was still shaken there was no doubt about it, but I kept repeating to myself 'It was just a nightmare, just a nightmare, _ALL_ of it was just a nightmare'. I just had to keep going, keep doing the things I had to do. I just had to keep my promise.

After I was showered and dressed I grabbed a pop tart from the kitchen and headed back up to my room. I let my body collapse in the chair and I settled myself into my desk. I separated the books and assignments and looked forward to the monotony that would soon take over my hands and mind for the next several hours.

The sun slowly made its way across the sky and I noticed it was getting late so, I finally broke myself away from the mind numbing chore of school work so that I could have dinner ready before Charlie got home. I headed downstairs feeling rather proud of myself. I had worked for the majority of the day and got most of the make-up homework finished. Ordinarily, I would have taken a break especially on such a nice day, but I couldn't imagine going outside and seeing where I heard those horrible noises coming from or see the forest where I had seen Alice for the last time. I hated my last memory of her with her face twisted in guilt and agony. I shook my head silently scolding myself for always letting my thoughts go back to…them.

I decided to make meatloaf and mashed potatoes and was thankful that I had everything that I needed although I couldn't remember the last time I had been to the grocery store.

I stood in front of the trash can peeling potatoes and trying to think if it had been Charlie or if Renee had went to the store. I was leaning towards Renee, but then reminded myself that Charlie had survived quite awhile on his own before I got here. I went back and forth in my mind debating which one it had actually been. It was the most idiotic thing I had thought of all day and yet the best thing I had thought of all day. When I introduced the thought that perhaps they had _both _went to the store I gave up on my silly riddle and concentrated only on the motions I was doing. I mixed, stirred, and mashed and never let my mind wander outside of that.

Charlie came in and I saw a look of relief in his face. I had just finished the potatoes and they sat warmly in their pot as the timer counted down the last few minutes for the meatloaf.

Charlie had stood there for a moment, maybe watching me, before he announced his presence.

"Wow, Bella that smells so good!"

I nodded and tried to smile, but I don't think I succeeded. Charlie quickly escaped to go the bathroom after my fake 'smile' and as I was setting the table and pouring our drinks I was trying to convince my self the two events were completely unrelated. I dismissed the thought realizing that it was a moot point since I already knew how I was making Charlie feel. I tried to change my thoughts and for a fleeting moment I even considered asking Charlie who had actually went to the grocery store.

Shortly after we started eating Charlie hesitantly began talking about school. He seemed so unsure and nervous that I quickly interrupted.

"Dad, I'll be fine to go back Monday" I said in my most convincing tone.

He gave me a skeptical look so I reassured him "I have almost my homework caught up and I should be able to finish the rest tomorrow".

"Really?" he said before shoveling another forkful of meatloaf mixed with mashed potatoes in his mouth. After he had swallowed he continued "So is that what you were doing all day?".

I nodded like I was too busy eating to be bothered with speaking. In reality I was just spreading the food out on my plate to make it look like less and taking small bites. My stomach was still uneasy and I didn't want to over do it and end up puking all over the place if I wanted to back to school on Monday. Actually, school was the last place I wanted to go, but I couldn't stay cooped up here for the rest of my life. Eventually, I would have to go on. What a horrible thought going on…alone, but what other choice did I have?

**A/N - Reviews are better than Charlie and Renee going to the store together.**


	5. Chapter 5 Back 2 School

**A/N – I do not own Twilight or any of its characters.**

Chapter 5

Back 2 School

Monday morning was finally here. The nightmares had continued for the rest of the weekend and I was glad to finally be leaving the house. Well, I don't know if _glad _was the right word, but I was ready to be getting it over with. _No sense in putting of the inevitable_ I thought.

I was still tired when I rolled out of bed. It seemed that the nightmare grew more tormenting with each night although I would have thought that to be impossible. It was the same nightmare that always ended in my same blood curdling scream.

I threw on a gray sweater and some jeans and grabbed a granola bar as I went out the door. Charlie had already gone to work so I didn't have to put on a brave face and make idle chatter and for that I was grateful.

It was a cloudy day and I only noticed because it was dark and dreary all around me, which matched exactly how I felt, and not because I was looking around. I made it a point to walk straight to my truck and only focus on my footsteps and the destination in front of me as if I had blinders on. I slid into my truck, discarded my backpack, started the engine, and put my seat belt on faster than I would have thought possible, well for me anyway.

Once I pulled out of the driveway I noticed that it was a bit odd to be behind the wheel of my truck after so long, yet it was still so familiar. _At least something was still familiar_ I thought.

I pulled into the school parking lot at what seemed to be the busiest time of the morning and I scolded myself for not being earlier so I could at least make it to 1st hour somewhat undetected. I pulled into the most inconspicuous spot I could find and as soon as I stepped out of my truck I was ambushed by Jessica and Angela before I could even get my door shut.

_Here we go _I thought.

All of the people and the noise, it was like a chattering hum of chaos all around me and the hum just grew louder and louder. As the sound grew my heartbeat accelerated until it beat so hard I could hear the pounding in my ears and my breath started to quicken at the same speed. I felt like I just wanted to jump back in my truck and drive away.

All of a sudden I was snapped back to reality and was looking at Jessica and Angela's excited faces "So are you in or what!?!" they both chimed almost in unison.

"What?"

"Ugh, haven't you been listening?" groaned Jessica, but she obviously knew the answer and quickly moved on. "Cheerleading tryouts. Friday." She said in a leading tone that just sounded like 'duh'.

Angela nodded excitedly "Oh, please, please you have to!" she said with her hands pressed together in a pleading fashion.

Oh for the love of God. Cheerleading? Me?

This was just too much. My head was spinning and I fell backwards onto my still open truck door which slammed shut against my weight.

Jessica and Angela were startled by the loud noise and each ran to my side and grabbed onto my shoulders.

"I think we should take her to the nurse." Angela said and they both guided me away.

They never took their hands off my shoulders probably for fear I would fall flat on my face on the pavement. I doubt they allow toothless girls on the cheerleading squad I thought grimly, but I didn't argue as the led me to the office.

_Well, this is one way to avoid the morning traffic._

We walked through the doors of the office and were greeted warmly by Ms. Cope "Welcome back, Bella".

I saw her face grow concerned as she saw the two girls on either side of me basically holding me up "Are you still not feeling well?" she questioned.

"I just…got a little dizzy that's all."

"Oh, ok. Well, girls just lead her back to the cot and she should feel much better in a little while."

It was going to take a heck of a lot more than a few minutes on a stupid cot to make me feel better, but I knew what she meant so I just laid down and tried not to move around too much on the noisy, paper cover.

Jessica and Angela said they would talk to me later and raced out of the office to get to class. I was sure that Jessica would make sure that the whole student body knew I was back before I left this cot. _This_ cot. It was the same cot that Edward had brought me to after that biology lab gone bad. I let out a deep sigh, which was probably more like a whimper, but there was no one else in the room to hear me.

I closed my tired eyes and relaxed my head on the flimsy pillow. I only thought about my breathing 'in, out, in, out'. I was determined not to have a breakdown in the middle of the school and on my first day back no less. I continued in deep concentration 'in, out, in, out' until my chant was interrupted.

"Bella"

I knew that voice. I would know that voice anywhere. It was as smooth as satin and as heavenly as a choir of angels. There was no better sound in the entire world. The voice called my name again and I squeezed my eyes shut so tightly I could feel my whole face scrunch up. I refused to open my eyes to this cruel joke that was obviously being played on me, but the voice was relentless and began to plead.

"Bella, please open your eyes."

There was no denying that voice and the moment the words were spoken my eyes disobeyed me. There he stood in front of me. The only thing second to his beautiful voice was his face. I was completely frozen as I studied every messy tuft of his hair, his gemstone eyes, and his smile. That smile was the most warming, comforting thing I had ever seen. It was like home. I could just curl up and live in that smile and be happy.

I tried not to be confused because I didn't want to feel anything but the happiness and safety I was feeling in that moment. It only magnified how empty and sad I had been and I didn't want to lose it…again. I didn't care if I was dead or completely insane this is where I wanted to be…forever.

When his lips began to move again and they curled up into the most beautiful, crooked smile I started leaning towards the dead theory since I was convinced that I was in heaven. Then he began to speak and my heart pounded so hard in my chest I started to re-think my insane theory.

He knelt next to the cot so he was directly in front of my face and he began to speak in the most gentle, loving tone I had ever heard.

"Bella love, you're doing so great coming back to school."

I didn't feel great, but I wasn't going to argue with him so I just stared into his face and listened to his beautiful voice as he spoke.

"I know you're going to keep your promise, that you're going to listen to Alice . Please, stick with your friends. Do all of the normal teenage stuff you should be doing, have fun. Have fun like Jessica and Angela."

Jessica and Angela? Although I was still lying down I cocked my head to the side and gave him a confused look. He nodded his head and I nodded mine back in agreement. He looked pleased and he lips began to open once again. This truly did have to be heaven.

"Bella, I love you."

I had tears running down my face, but had not acquired enough strength to open my mouth the entire time.

He began to move closer to me closing the small space that separated us. As he leaned towards me to touch his lips on mine I could feel that I was holding my breath in anticipation when all of a sudden a loud crashing sound shook my entire body and in that sudden flash he had disappeared and the fear and sadness returned like a wave crashing over me. I shot up and screamed.

I was blinking my confused eyes as Ms. Cope ran into the room and looked at me sitting there with what must have been the most confused look in the whole world on my face.

"Oh" she said with relief. "You must have dozed off and been startled awake by the thunder." She declared matter of factly.

Dozed? Thunder?

"Are you ready to go to class?"

I nodded frantically and started gathering my things. As I was kneeling over picking my stuff off of the floor I noticed that my face was wet with tears and I quickly wiped them away while my back was turned to the secretary.

She handed me a pass and I quickly made my way to 1st hour. I made it no further than the sidewalk outside of the office building when I was greeted by Mike.

"Wow, Bella are you ok? You look as if you've just seen a ghost."

There was no correct response to that so I just shrugged my shoulders.

Regaining his train of thought he said "I was coming to check on you. Do you want to walk to math?"

I nodded my head because it would have done me no good even if I had said no.

We continued walking in silence and I was so grateful for the lack of sound that I was wishing with all my strength that the silence would remain, but then Mike began to speak.

"So, did Charlie talk to you yet…about work?"

Work? Oh crap work! I was silently cursing myself the same curses that were intended for Mike for breaking the silence, but now were all for myself. I imagined I was surely fired and rightfully so. Mike was probably making sure I didn't harbor any bad feelings towards him because of it, but how could I blame him for his parents not being able to employ a nut job. I didn't know where I would find another job, but I could think about that later.

I must've looked terribly confused, which seemed to be today's theme, and when I didn't reply Mike began speaking again.

"So, Charlie hasn't talked to you yet?"

I shook my head. Poor Mike was going to have to fire me himself. Any other day I may have pitied him for that, but today I was hurting so much that any outside emotion couldn't register.

"Oh, well whenever you feel up to coming back."

"Really???"

"Oh, Uh, If you want to…"

"No, no I do. I just thought…"

"Well, I've been working some of your hours so there really wasn't a need to hire someone else."

No matter how much his puppy dog behavior bothered me that was a really nice thing to do. Even if he did only do it for those occasional days that we worked together. Knowing how much I did actually need the job I was overcome by a feeling of thankfulness and I didn't even think about it when I reached out and touched Mike's arm and said "Thanks, really thank you." The sincere words made up for my continued inability to smile. Clearly it was terrible encouragement for his behavior to continue, but honestly I was thankful and truth be told I knew his behavior would have continued either way.

"Well, I'm still a little behind on my homework, but how about tomorrow?"

"Really, tomorrow? That would be great."

Mike sounded very relieved and continued speaking casually.

"So, how are you coming along on your American History project?"

"What project?"

"The one about Native Americans."

"Oh, I didn't know about it yet."

"Well, if you need to take a few more days…"

"No, no that won't be necessary, really."

"Ok, but if you need any help just let me know."

He smiled at me and I nodded although I was fairly certain that he hadn't even started on his yet.

We were walking down the hall getting closer and closer to the classroom and I just wasn't ready to go in just yet so, I stopped and turned to Mike.

"Hey, I need to stop at the restroom so just go ahead to class and let the teacher know that I will be right there, please."

"Um, ok"

He hesitated like he really wanted to wait for me, but didn't say anything hopefully realizing how weird that would be.

Once I was in the bathroom I rushed into the stall and scrambled to get the door latched before I collapsed to the floor. If I hadn't been in the biggest stall I probably would've hit my head on the toilet.

My face fell into my hands and I sobbed. I didn't want him to be gone. I wanted him to be with me. I felt this more now than ever. I hadn't let myself think about him and now that I had, it made me feel that much more empty, but I let myself take it all in anyway, his voice, his eyes, his smile…his kiss. How my lips still ached for that kiss.

Was it really a dream? It didn't feel like a dream. _'It wasn't a dream. It wasn't a dream.'_ I kept repeating to myself as I shook my head.

As the memory progressed it came back to me and I gasped _Oh, he had me agree to cheerleading tryouts!_

He could've convinced me to do anything and _this _is what he chose. It was such an _Edward_ thing to do, to try to get me to do something like this, but was it really…Edward?

I just sat there and listened to his voice in my head repeat my name and the word love and it almost made me smile. Actually if I hadn't still been crying I believe I would have smiled. My mind went to the next thing he had said "you're doing great" it was so beautiful the way his soft voice said those words. I could hear how much he loved and was proud of me in each syllable and I believed it and I wanted so badly to hear it again.

So, it seemed that the insane theory had been completely proven since I was striving for the approval of an imaginary person who gave me commands in my dreams. Ok, it wasn't that bad. He wasn't imaginary he was just…gone. I wouldn't allow myself to think the word, but if I wanted to be technical Edward had always been dead so there was a part of me that wouldn't believe I would never see him again.

I finally gained the strength to pull myself off of the floor and walk to the sink. I rinsed my face and calmed myself before I rushed to catch the last few minutes of math.

**A/N – Reviews are better than toothless cheerleaders!**


	6. Chapter 6 The Project

**Chapter 6**

**The Project**

******The day had slowly dragged by, but it really hadn't gone all that bad. I avoided the cafeteria at all costs. I didn't want to be in the room where I saw Edward for the first time and I did not want to sit at the table where he and I used to sit, I didn't want to remember all of the conversations we had there, and I most certainly did not want to be at a table full of laughing, talking people who would expect me to join in.**

**Instead I ate a sandwich and apple I had brought with me while I sat in the office waiting for the guidance counselor to speak with me about classes and graduation, well at least that was the reason I gave. He must have been dealing with some sort of teenage, high school crisis because the two girls that were speaking with him were still there when the lunch bell rung and I was thankful to have a reason to come back the next day.**

******As I walked to my last class of the day I saw Jessica and Angela at their lockers so I thought I might as well get this over with.**

**"****Hey guys" I called as I approached them and they looked happy to see me. I'm sure my face did not reflect the same, but I tried.**

**"****Where were you at lunch?" Jessica asked clearly wanting an answer about cheerleading.**

**"****Yeah, we were worried that the nurse had sent you home." Angela added.**

**"****Oh, I had to go talk to Mr. Olsen about classes and stuff" I just needed to get this done and over with so I continued without giving them a chance to respond.**

**"****I wanted to talk to you guys about this morning." Their faces lit up as they eagerly waited for me to finish so I continued and thanked them for taking me to the nurse's office and their faces changed to look terribly disappointed before I got back to why I really wanted to talk to them "So, I think I would like to try out for cheerleading. It should be fun right?" It was how Edward described it 'have fun like Jessica and Angela', but I didn't really think that breaking my leg…again…sounded fun.**

******They jumped up and down and Angela clapped her hands a few times. "Yes! It will be sooo much fun!" Angela assured.**

**"****We will get out of gym for the rest of the week for 4 days of practice and then tryouts are Friday after school." Jessica added.**

**"****I'll call you later so we can talk about it!" Angela said excitedly as we walked our opposite ways to get to class.**

******As I walked into American history the teacher handed me a packet detailing the project that Mike had told me about. I took it to my seat and started looking it over. The assignment seemed simple enough, a 6-8 page, typed report with the minimum of 5 sources of research from at least 3 different mediums. It was being considered as a mid-term since it was the one and only big project for the semester and because of this it was worth a big percentage of the class points. On the last page of the packet it detailed three options to earn extra credit. Option 1 was to make a poster board illustrating information from the report. Option 2 was to present the report as a powerpoint presentation to the class. The last option was to interview a Native American or other knowledgeable person regarding topics such as traditions, legends, and other cultural issues. **

******There was a note written by the teacher in red marker in the blank space at the bottom of the page.**  
****

******Bella,**

******You may do ********all******** of the extra credit options. You will receive extra credit for all that are done satisfactorily.**

******You should seriously consider this opportunity as it would be very helpful to your grade.**

******There really wasn't anything to consider; of course I would do all of the extra credit. It was a lot of work and I wished that I had someone to help me, especially with the poster board. I'm not exactly artsy, but I had no intention of taking Mike up on his offer. Oh, and the interview…ugh. Well, Charlie could ask Harry or Billy for me. I'm sure that Billy would be more than happy now that he wasn't worrying about my safety all of the time. He would probably talk my ear off about a bunch of boring, unrelated stuff. I just wish I didn't have to interview someone my father's age, if only there was someone…oh, Jacob! Of course, it made total sense because he knew all about Quileute legends and then my thoughts began to wander to what Jacob had told me on the beach last school year. I shivered and returned my thoughts to the project. **

******The bell rang and although I couldn't really repeat anything that was discussed in class I had my project pretty well planned out. **

******I had spent enough time in my house that I had no intention of going back just yet. I stopped at the Newton's store to assure Mrs. Newton that I would be in the following day. When I finished talking with her Mike came out from the back where he was doing inventory and judging from the look on his face I would guess that he thought I came there especially for him. **

** "****Hey Bella, I thought you were coming in tomorrow."**

**"****Yeah, I am. I just wanted to talk to your mom since I haven't talked to her in awhile, but there is something I wanted to ask you." I've never seen someone look happier than Mike did after I said those words and I wanted to kick myself for not wording it different, but I continued "I was just wondering If you would trade me a day so I could be off on Friday. I really hate to ask after..everything, but it would be the only way I could make it to cheerleading tryouts."**

**"****You're trying out for cheerleading?" he asked in an incredulous tone as if he were leaning toward the possibility that perhaps I would just be a spectator.**

**"****Yeah, well Jessica and Angela kind of talked me into it" I said shrugging my shoulders. I didn't think I should add who had really talked me into doing it. I was feeling ridiculous enough for even considering such a silly idea, me a cheerleader, but it wasn't like that it was just tryouts. There was no fooling Mike he had been a victim to my inability to do pretty much anything that requires coordination. I could barely walk without sustaining an injury, and sometimes I didn't even succeed at that, but it's not like I expected to make the squad.**

******Mike must have seen disappointment that came over my face because he tried frantically to try to make up for it.**

**"****Oh, I just didn't know that you were interested in that type of thing, it kind of surprised me."**

**"****Don't worry about it Mike, I'm really ****__****not ********interested like I said I was talked into it, besides I know I'm not going to make it." I wasn't doing it because I wanted to be a cheerleader I was doing it because I wanted to see ****__****him ********again and hear his voice say "I love you" again. "If you can't work that day I understand, it's no big deal." **

**"****No, I'll work for you, but can you work on Wednesdays because that's when I have football practice?" **

**"****You're on the football team?" I didn't mean to sound so shocked, but I was glad that I wasn't actually planning on being a cheerleader since he would probably think I was cheering specifically for him.**

**"****Yeah Bella, I wouldn't exactly be going to practice if I was the water boy" he said playfully.**

******I wasn't sure if the water boy actually did go to practice, but I wasn't interested in participating in his playful banter so I tried to make up for my shocked tone.**

**"****I know, I just didn't know you were…"**

**"****I was just joking. Bella." He said gently.**

**"****Ok, so I'll work on Wednesdays and try not to break my neck on Friday." I said trying to sound friendly, but I probably just sounded foolish.**

**"****Yeah, I think you will need to try really hard on that last one" he chuckled as he brushed my arm with his hand in a flirting manner that made me feel way uncomfortable.**

**"****Well, I better go. I have a lot of homework to do."**

**"****Ok, I'll see you tomorrow at school." He smiled at me and I felt bad again for not being able to smile back.**

**"****Oh, can I use your phone to call my dad before I go?" Now I was wishing that I had taken my dad up on one of his numerous offers to get me a cell phone, but it wasn't like I had a full social calendar full of people who needed to get a hold of me at times other than when I was at home. I figured that eventually the safety issue would prevail with my worrisome dad, but I hadn't ventured out enough for him to rush out and get me one so far.**

**"****Sure, you know where it is" he said as he motioned with his hand to where the phone sat next to the register.**

**"****Thanks Mike, see you tomorrow."**

******I picked up the phone and dialed the number to the station. After a few rings my father answered.**

**"****Hi dad it's me, Bella."**

**"****Is everything ok, are you ok?" **

**"****Yes, dad everything's fine. I just wanted to ask for directions to Billy's house." Before he could ask I added "I need to interview someone about Native American traditions for a school project so, I thought I would talk to Jacob".**

**"****Oh, Jacob?"**

**"****Yeah dad, he's heard all of the old stories probably a million times, so he'll be able to answer all of these simple questions just as well as anyone else."**

**"****No, I think that's a great idea. The directions are really easy."**

******The directions were easy and before I knew it I was pulling into the driveway, I had barely put it into park when I saw Jacob running out to greet me. Our eyes met for a moment and I could truly see how happy he was to see me and I really felt happy to see him too. Other than, for a lack of a better description, the occurrence in the nurse's office I hadn't felt happy in a long time. I wasn't surprised that I liked Jacob, I was surprised that I had forgotten how much I liked Jacob.**

**"****Hey, Bella!" he yelled as he quickly walked towards me. I would've had to run to achieve the same pace of his long legs. Speaking of which he was taller yet again from the last time I saw him and it made him look rather grown up. I'm sure if I stood next to him I would look like a small child. **

******I swung my door open to greet him.**

**"****Hey Jacob!"**

**"****Bella, it's so good to see you"**

**"****It's good to see you too." and I really was telling the truth and I was relieved to finally not have to be fake around someone. We would have been standing face to face if he wasn't a million times taller than me. **

**"****Wow, Jacob you're so tall!" I exclaimed.**

**"****I'm 6' 5" now" he proudly exclaimed, his big smile never fading.**

**"****So what are you out doing?" he added. I knew how happy he was to see me so I decided I would tease him a little.**

**"****Oh, well if you don't want me here. I can leave." I said in a mocking tone as I reached back for the door handle of my truck.**

**"****No, no it's not that it's just that um, um…"**

**"****I'm just kidding, Jacob. I actually wanted to ask you for a favor."**

**"****A favor?"**

**"****Yeah, it's nothing too horrible I just wanted to see if I could interview you about Native American traditions and stuff like that for a school project."**

**"****Oh, well, I guess so" I could hear the letdown in his voice as he thought that was the only reason why I came. It was the reason why I came, but I was glad that I had and I would have stayed regardless of his response.**

**"****If you don't want to that's cool, we could just hang out." This seemed to lift his spirits because I could see the huge smile return. **

**"****No, I want to, it makes me feel like a celebrity" he laughed.**

**"****I should go say hi to your dad I haven't seen him in a long time." He nodded in agreement. As we walked to the house I saw Jacob's long hair sway behind him with each of his long strides. I had never seen it out of a ponytail before and for some reason I felt the urge to touch it. I wondered if the black, shiny locks would be as soft as they looked, but I of course didn't, and I was thankful that he was tying it back as we walked up the steps. We went into the house where I was greeted by a surprised Billy.**

**"****Hey Bella, it's so good to see you."**

**"****It's good to see you too. It really has been too long."**

******Jacob chimed in "Hey, dad we were just getting ready to go for a walk. We'll see you later, ok?"**

******I nodded in agreement like I had been in on it the whole time and told him I would see him again soon. When we got off of the porch Jacob began to explain.**

**"****So, I thought we could talk outside otherwise my dad wouldn't have let me get a single word in.**

**"****I believe that." I said truthfully, acknowledging in my mind that Billy's father had been chief and I'm sure that he would have felt driven to answer any question he overheard.**

**"****So, do you want to go down to the beach?"**

**"****Sure, I just have to grab my notebook out of the truck."**

**"****Notebook?" Don't they usually use tape recorders when interviewing celebrities?" he teased.**

**"****Sorry, to disappoint" I responded in a fake, hurt tone.**

**"****That's ok Bella, you could never disappoint me." He was obviously flirting, but it didn't make me feel all weird and uncomfortable like when Mike did it.**

******We decided to go ahead and drive since it was getting late. Charlie had said I could stay out as late as I needed, but I wasn't trying to push it. Once we got down to the beach we started walking around looking for a place to sit.**

**"****Let's go sit on that big rock over there," Jacob said as he pointed to a large rock sitting in very shallow water. It was a beautiful place where you could look out into the ocean, but it required walking on several small stones and making a small, but possibly disastrous, leap.**

******I shook my head adamantly and he saw the doubt in my face. **

**"****It's ok, I'll help. Really, I won't' let you fall." **

******I hesitated, but I believed him. I nodded and he took my hand into his. His hand was so much larger than mine and its warmness and size enveloped my small hand. It didn't feel bad; it actually felt kind of good.**

**He led me to the rocks and steadied me as I wobbled to and fro trying to navigate my way to each one. At the last one Jacob gave me an evaluating look right before he placed his strong hands around my waist, lifted me up, and placed me on the giant rock. It took me by surprise, but it wasn't just his warm hands touching my sides, it was also how easily he had picked me up. Although it really shouldn't have surprised me considering I was half of his size.**

******After he gently set me down I scooted over before he leapt confidently to the spot next to me.**

**"****This is such a beautiful view" I said as I looked out into the ocean. The last sun rays of the day were dancing off the water as the waves crashed against the rock we were sitting on. The sound of the water was so soothing. It was a very nice fall day and I was really glad that the rain had stopped much earlier in the day.**

**"****Yes it is" Jacob responded while he was still looking at me, but then quickly turned his gaze outward towards the ocean.**

******We sat there and talked all about Quileute legends. He told me several stories, all of which featured an animal. There was a story with a raven, one with a coyote, and another with a blue jay and they reminded me of fables because each one taught a lesson. We then talked about preservation and protecting natural resources. This had always been a priority for the tribe long before it became "cool to be green". He then told me about the language revitalization project that the tribe council had undertaken to ensure that the Quileute language would carry on to future generations. He taught me how to say "good morning" and praised me for how well I had done, but I was unsure if he was just being nice.**

******We stopped talking for a moment as the sun slipped behind the vast ocean. It was a breathtaking view as the shades of oranges and purples that reached throughout the sky in front of us were mirrored by the water that lied beneath.**

******When the sun had almost completely disappeared Jacob took my hand in his and looked into my eyes, he was very close to my face and he smiled his big, happy smile that I was growing quite fond of and said "So, we better go since you had enough trouble walking in the daylight." He laughed.**

**"****Yes I did, but luckily I had someone that worked very hard to keep me out of the ocean."**

** "****Yes Bella, I will continue to do my best to keep you from washing out to sea, but I'm not a miracle worker" he said laughing hysterically at my expense. **

**He let go of my hand and told me that he would jump down to one of the rocks and then reach out for me to help me to the rock next to him. He jumped down and reached out for me. I sat on the edge of the rock with my arms stretched out as far as I could without dropping my notebook that was tucked under one of my arms. He swept me up like a little kid and briefly I was pressed against his body before he turned and placed me on the adjacent stone. He set me down and immediately had a hold of my hand and we turned to repeat the process that had gotten us out there. We reached the safety of the sand and Jacob dropped my hand instantly. My face fell unexplainably as the warmth of his hand left mine. It didn't have anything to do with romance I just liked feeling close to someone. It seemed that everyone else was judging me and expecting me to live up to someone else's standards of normal. Even Alice and my visions of Edward told me to do things that they considered normal. Of course if it wasn't for the pressure to be 'normal' I probably would still be lying in my bed, but there was no pressure here just me and someone who enjoyed my company and didn't expect me to be anything other than what I am and that made me so comfortable. We were walking side my side in the sand and suddenly Jacob stopped and knelt down quickly. I stopped right before I would have toppled over him and when he shot back up he grabbed my hand for a moment and then pulled away leaving something behind. I opened my hand and inside was a beautiful seashell.**

** "****Thanks Jacob" I said as I stroked the ridges with my thumb.**

** "****Sure Bella, I knew you would like it." **

**I really did like it. "Not just thank you for the beautiful shell, but thank you so much for helping me with my assignment, I really appreciate it."**

** "****No problem. So are you pretty much all set now?" **

** "****Actually, I'm just getting started. Today was my first day back at school…" I trailed off not wanting to think about that. He noticed my uncomfortable tone and didn't focus on that part of my response.**

**"****Well, what else do you have to do?"**

**"****A lot, make a poster board, research and type the report, type this interview, and make a powerpoint presentation"**

**"****A poster board?"**

**"****Yeah, I have to decorate a board with stuff that will be in my report. It will be hung up in the classroom." **

**"****That's a lot of stuff"**

**"****Yeah, I have to do all of the extra credit options the teacher gave to help my grade."**

**"****I could help you with your board if you want me to."**

******Of course I wanted him to, but he had already helped me so much. **

**"****I don't know, you've already helped me so much and I really don't want to take away from your own homework."**

**"****Well, maybe you could help me with mine sometime."**

**"****That sounds good. I think you could actually make doing homework fun, Jacob." **

******He laughed "Yeah, but I think we'll have to settle for the kitchen table. I don't think I can prevent you from falling into the ocean every night" he laughed again, but I knew I could never tire from his eternally happy smile and laughter. **

******By the time I pulled up to his house it was getting late. "So, when do you want to work on the poster?" he asked. "Well, I have to work the next two days and I have tryouts on Friday, so how about Thursday?" Whoops I slipped and said too much, I really hope he didn't catch that. **

**"****Thursday's good, but what on Earth could you possibly be trying out for?"**

**"****Cheerleading" I said meekly.**

******After all the laughing he had done at me all night he just stared at me in disbelief.**

**"****I got talked into it by my friends. Besides it's just tryouts, it's not like I'm going to make it." **

**"****If you do make it, I have got to see you cheer." He said in all seriousness.**

**"****Jake, I'm not going to make it, but if by some horrendous fluke I do yes, you can come to a game. Heck, I'll even let you take my picture" I said rolling my eyes at him.**

******He nodded with a big smile on his face as he got out of the truck. **

******I got home at about 8:30pm and Charlie was watching something on television. I couldn't tell if it was a game or if it was just sports on the news. **

**"****Bella, I need to talk to you." He sounded very serious and I instantly felt guilty.**

**"****Dad, I'm sorry I didn't mean to stay out so late, it's just that we…"**

**"****No, it's not that there's something I need to talk to you about."**

**"****Um, Ok." I had no idea what he was talking about and I was so nervous wondering what it could be.**

**"****Bella, do you know that someone is under the impression that you are trying out for cheerleading?"**

**"****What?" That was it? He was interrogating me because he heard, somehow, that I was trying out for cheerleading?**

**"****Yes, some girl called here tonight, Angela, she said she needed to talk to you about cheerleading tryouts."**

**"****Oh yeah, dad I am trying out. Jessica and Angela wanted me to try out with them so, I think it will be fun. All of the practices are during school so that won't be a big deal." **

**"****So, it's true?" He was confused and I don't think he could believe his ears. **

**"****Dad, I'm just gonna have fun trying out with my friends it's not like I'll be upset or even surprised if I don't make the squad." **

**"****Ok Bells, if you really want to, just try not to get hurt."**

**"****Ok dad, I'll try my best. I'm gonna call Angela back and then get ready for bed." **

**"****Wait a second. How was your interview thing with Jacob? Did it go well?"**

**"****Yeah, we had a lot of fun. We went down to the beach and the weather really was perfect for a change. Actually dad, I'm going back on Thursday so he can help me with the poster I have to make."**

**"****Oh, there's a poster too?"**

**"****Well, it's an extra credit thing, but Jacob offered to help so, I'll be helping him with his homework sometime."**

**"****That sounds like a good idea."**

**"****Yeah. I'm going to go call Angela now."**

******He nodded and I grabbed a piece of the remaining pizza that sat on the table and quickly escaped up the stairs. I was glad that that conversation was over.**

**Once I got into my room I called Angela. **

**"****Hello"**

** "****Hi Angela, it's Bella I was just giving you a call back so we could talk about cheerleading tryouts. I hope I'm not calling too late."**

**"****Oh, it's not too late. I'm just so happy that you called back. Are you really gonna try out?" she asked skeptically.**

**"****Yes I am, but honestly I don't think I will do well."**

**"****Bella, you'll do fine. I think you'll be really proud of yourself when you see that you can do something athletic, something that doesn't require running or the throwing and catching of balls. "She added. **

******It was a really nice thing for her to say, encouraging words were something that I could count on from Angela, but I really wasn't interested in boosting my self-esteem or anything. I only wanted one person to be proud of me and that wasn't myself. **

** "****Thanks Angela, but it'll be ok if I don't make it. It'll just be fun to try out with you guys." Everyone kept telling me how darn fun this was going to be and I kept telling other people how fun it was supposed to be so I was actually starting to believe it.**

**"****Well, I have faith in you. Besides this tryout is way easier than the regular one."**

**"****Regular one?"**

**"****Yeah, the real cheerleading tryouts were a long time ago, but two girls moved, sisters, and their friend quit after they left. So, there are 3 spots that need to be filled right away."**

**"****Oh" I was a bit shocked, but easy for other people and easy for Bella Swan are two completely different things, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't starting to worry.**

**"****Yeah, we don't even have to do an individual cheer, we only have to do the group cheer."**

******Well, that was good to know. Had it been a regular tryout I would have been in for quite a surprise and I doubt I would have been capable of making up some coherent, school spirited cheer, choreographing corresponding moves, and performing them…by myself. That sounded like the complete opposite of fun.**

******She told me that I would get all of the sign up papers the next day at practice and we would know exactly what we would have to do for the tryouts. We said our goodbyes and I was really starting to regret the decision of what was going to be an obvious failed attempt at trying to be normal. I made a deal with myself that if things were too crazy at practice I would quit or at the very least fake a sprained ankle.**

******After I showered and got ready for bed I came into my room to finish the math homework that was due the next day. It didn't take very long at all and as I was packing my backpack when I noticed the notebook with all my notes from my conversation with Jacob. I started looking them over, but instead of reading I was just thinking about how happy he was to see me, his warm hand on mine, and his big smile. It wasn't the smile I wanted to curl up and live in but it was a very warm, friendly smile all the same. I liked hanging out with Jacob which was understandable, Jacob is a very likeable person, but it wasn't just that. I liked how I felt when I was around Jacob…like myself or as much of myself that was left anyway. He was the only person I didn't have to walk on eggshells or pretend around. Jacob liked me for me and I felt safe when I was near him. It was a weird feeling and I was actually looking forward to Thursday so I could see him again. I hadn't looked forward to anything in a long time. **

******I decided that I should just type up the paper from the interview notes since I was just staring at them anyway. I turned on my computer and checked my e-mail first sending a short reply e-mail to my mother and then I started working on typing up the interview. It didn't seem to take me very long to finish, but I was distracted the majority of the time thinking about the beautiful sunset we had watched together. As the paper was coming out of the printer I took the shell out of my pocket and rubbed it again before I placed it on the shelf of my desk.**

******After I was finished it was getting late, but I really didn't want to lie down. So much had happened today and I dreaded the nightmares, but I knew I had to go to bed eventually so I reluctantly crawled under the covers, laid my head on the pillow, and closed my eyes. As soon as my eyes shut ****__****his ********face was all that I could see and I cried. It was so exhausting going through the day acting like it was ok, that I was ok, and that I was normal or even wanted to be normal. The truth was I didn't want to be anything. I wanted to be nothing because that was how I felt without him. Jacob did make me feel better, but I never felt whole and I was terrified that I would never feel that way again. I was sobbing so hard by this point that I had buried my face in the pillow to muffle the sounds. After awhile I rolled over not because I stopped crying, because I hadn't, but because I could barely breathe with my face stuffed in the pillow and I was drenched with tears and sweat at this point. I breathed slowly which was calming but mostly the idea was to not hyperventilate. **

**"****Bella?"**

******No, not again this wasn't happening. I loved seeing him and I thought I did want to see him again, I wanted to hear those words again so badly, but it was just so hard once he was gone again. I lay frozen in my bed.**

**"****Bella, are you awake?"**

**"****No" That was really clever.**

******He laughed. His laughter was like beautiful music. I looked over in the direction I had heard the laughter coming from and there he sat in my rocking chair. Even in the dark and with my eyes swollen from crying he was still the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Tears were still streaming down my face, but I just kept straining my eyes to see him.**

**"****Bella, I'm afraid you'll go blind if you try any harder to see me." He said as he flipped on the light switch.**

******It was just as soothing as the first time and I was reminded exactly how it had felt to be whole.**

******He knelt in front of my face again and said in the most serious tone "Bella, even covered in snot you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen."**

******I laughed. I really laughed. Edward smiled at my laughing, snotty face and I smiled back. **

** "****I love you, Bella. I will never be far from you" he said has he twirled my hair around his fingers. I nodded as I closed my eyes. "I love you, too" I whispered as I drifted off to sleep.**

The next thing I knew I was screaming. The light was no longer on, but the room was filled with a piercing sound that could wake the dead, but all I could hear were the screeching and screaming sounds from my dream.

I laid there shaking and upset until the sun began to rise and I determined it was a reasonable enough time to get out of bed. I went downstairs and Charlie was already up reading the paper at the kitchen table with a large cup of coffee in his hand.

"Good morning." I said, but the apprehension was easily audible in my voice.

"Good morning Bells. You're up early."

I shrugged my shoulders. "Do you want me to make you something for breakfast?" I offered. It would be a good distraction, something to dull the noises in my head.

"No, Bella you already do so much around here."

"I don't mind."

"I know you don't, but please sit down with me for a minute there's something I want to ask you."

"Ugh, more questions." I didn't mean to say that out loud, but I was tired and wasn't really in the mood to play 20 questions.

He chuckled and said "It's just one question. I meant to ask you yesterday, but I was caught pretty off guard by your cheerleading news."

I nodded acknowledging that that was an understandable reaction.

"How was school yesterday?"

"It was fine." This seemed like a better answer than 'I almost fainted before I even got out of the parking lot, saw my dead boyfriend in the nurse's office, collapsed in the bathroom crying, and ate lunch in the office because I refuse to go in the cafeteria'.

"I mean how were the kids?"

"I don't know. Mike was helpful and Jessica and Angela talked me into cheerleading."

"No, I mean did they say anything?"

"Well, obviously dad what exactly are you trying to ask?"

"I don't know how else to say this, but did anyone say anything about Edward?"

I felt an ache in my chest at the sound of his name and I remembered his fingers twirling in my hair.

"No, actually nobody did" thank goodness I thought.

"Well, his parents told the school the reason why they were moving, but informed them that it was a private matter that they wished not to be discussed with the general student body. "

"Yeah, yeah I understand" I said as I got up from the table and walked away. "Yay, I get to maintain more of their lies" I mumbled under my breath as I walked up the stairs to my room.

I dressed in whatever clean clothing my hands touched first and I went through the motions of brushing my hair and teeth in front of the mirror, but I don't really remember doing it.

I got to school much earlier today and parked in a spot that would make a quick escape easy at the end of the day. I organized my locker before I headed to class and still beat the teacher. I sat in my seat and put me head on my arms that were folded on top of my books. When the teacher walked in he said nothing to me and went about his business of unpacking his briefcase and writing several problems on the board before he sat at his desk and graded papers. After awhile the halls began to fill with the noise of mindless chatter and then the students began to file in, but I never lifted my head and I no longer cared what they thought. Had I ever? I was contemplating the answer to that question when Mike slid into the seat next to me. It was at that moment that I really recognized that that seat had been Edward's, still was as far as I was concerned, and I didn't appreciate him sitting in it. I never moved or did anything to acknowledge his presence and he eventually went back to his seat.

The next few classes flew by and the next thing I knew I was sitting in the office eating my lunch. I almost got to talk to the guidance counselor today, but the bell rang as I sat down in the chair across from his desk. _How cliché I was saved by the bell _I thought.

Eventually gym class came and it was time for the first practice before cheerleading tryouts. I went into the dressing room where Jessica and Angela were already starting to change into their gym clothes. I started to change next to them and tried to sound nonchalant as I began to speak.

"So, do you guys really think I have a chance? I mean I can't do any back flipping, cart wheeling, nonsense."

"Well, that is a problem" Jessica replied.

_Aw that really is too bad _I thought sarcastically.

"You really can't do anything?" she added.

Well, I can _do _plenty of things, but defy gravity is not one them. Heck, I could barely work _with_ gravity most of the time. I shook my head and began to wonder if she had honestly thought that I could do any of those things.

"Not even the splits?" she asked

Oh crap! Stupid ballet lessons! "Yes I can do the splits." I answered honestly and then scolded myself for not lying, but stopped once I realized that even if I had thought about it I probably still wouldn't have lied to her.

"You should do fine then." She said smiling at me and I told myself that she was just trying to make me feel better. We finished getting dressed and ran out into the gym.

I was sitting on the gym floor with several other girls on one side of the partitioned gym. The cheerleading coach came in wearing a matching track suit with a visor of the same colors on her head and a whistle around her neck. As I looked at her I re-evaluated the purpose of a visor which I had originally thought to be to keep the sun out of one's eyes, but after seeing, Missy I think she said her name was, I was leaning towards the purpose of looking ridiculously athletic. She had passed the papers out and was speaking in a very cheerful tone, of course, about something, but I was too deep in concentration to actually hear what it was. I carefully examined the papers for anything that would encourage me to sprain my ankle, but it all seemed pretty basic. There was a permission form I would have to get signed, but I knew that wouldn't be a problem. It seemed that the more 'normal' things I did the more Charlie seemed to relax.

We spread out and I made sure I had plenty of room to prevent myself from injuring any of my neighbors. We stretched first and most of those were done while sitting on the floor so that was easy enough. Then we progressed to the learning of the routine and that was more difficult. It was hard to keep up with Missy as she moved around, but the words and the clapping were easy enough and I'd be darned if Angela wasn't right. At the end of practice I hadn't fell down or hurt myself or anyone else for that matter and I was feeling pretty good. I don't know if I would have gone so far as to say that it was fun, but it sure as heck beat gym class.

After school it was pretty much just doing what I knew I had to do. I went to work and before I left Mrs. Newton gave me my last paycheck that I had never picked up. I went to the bank and cashed it before I made my way over to the nearby grocery store. I knew that Charlie would reimburse the money that was intended for my savings account and there were just too many things that we needed for me to put off the shopping any longer. Besides, there was no way I would ask Charlie to go to the store for tampons. I piled the cart full of the many things we needed and headed home to make dinner. I decided that I would make extra so I could freeze the leftovers and that way Charlie would have something to eat on my homework nights with Jacob. Since it was the one thing I was looking forward to, I was hoping that it would continue.

Charlie looked relieved when he saw me coming into the house with my arms full of groceries and he quickly ran to help me carry them all in. When we finally had them all piled into the kitchen and began putting the stuff away he turned and gave me a quizzical look and I explained how I had my check and it just made more sense for me to go to the store straight from there, I spared him my tampon motivation, and he did indeed promise to have the money in my account the next day.

I made spaghetti and after we ate and I had cleaned up I promptly placed the leftovers in the freezer as planned. Charlie and I didn't talk much before I got ready for bed and since I finished my homework during a slow time at work I went straight to bed. The next thing I knew I was screaming and sobbing and the whole day repeated itself much like the day before it.

This time when I woke up screaming it was Thursday and I was actually relieved knowing that I would be going to Jacob's straight from school. Before I left the house I moved the spaghetti from the freezer to the refrigerator and left a note explaining how to re-heat it. I quickly ate a bowl of cereal and then made my way to school.

School was pretty much the same except Mike no longer tried to sit next to me as I lay on my books and I no longer bothered to check in with the office secretary during lunch. I just sat in an empty chair with my sandwich and left when the bell rang. They either didn't notice or didn't care or perhaps it was a mixture of both, it really didn't matter to me as long as I didn't have to eat in the cafeteria. I would eat in the bathroom before I would eat in that cafeteria.

When school dismissed I couldn't get to my truck fast enough and when I was finally on my way to Jacob's I started to relax. I pulled into the driveway and Jacob was already sitting outside on his porch so he made it to my door right as I opened it. I turned to get out, but instead was intercepted by the same strong arms that removed me from the giant rock at the edge of the ocean. He gave me a big hug before putting me down and it seemed to take a long time for my feet to reach the ground. Jacob must have seen that I was caught off guard.

"Sorry Bella, I just missed you" he said as he shrugged his shoulders.

"That's ok I missed you too" it was the truth as I remembered how I looked forward to this moment since the time I had left on Monday.

"Let me get the poster and colored pencils and stuff that I brought." I had gotten all of the stuff that I would need for this project the night I went to the grocery store. As I pulled out the poster and all of the art supplies Jacob's face lit up.

"Ooh, this is gonna be fun. Like art class" he said with genuine enthusiasm in his voice. I was coming to the realization that it would be nearly impossible to be in a bad mood with Jacob around. He was a ray of sunshine that warmed everyone he came in contact with.

"I'm so glad I have your help, thanks again."

"Pssh" he said waving a hand at me before he continued "I don't care what we do when we hang out."

I nodded as I was beginning to understand that reasoning.

We headed into the house where Billy greeted me happily before he went back to watching his television show. We then spread everything out on the table and began getting to work.

I showed him various pictures that I had printed off the internet seeking his approval before I pasted them on. Mostly they were of animals like the ones that were featured in the stories he had told me. There was even one large picture of a wolf. He said that was his favorite so I put it right in the middle.

"I have something to show you. I'll be right back" he said.

I had no idea what he was up to, but when he returned he had a very large, very beautiful feather in his hands and my face lit up.

"Oh, that's so pretty!" I exclaimed.

"I know. I thought of you as soon as I saw it. I found it in the woods the other day and I knew it would be perfect for your poster."

He arranged it so that it went diagonally towards the top and on the side where he placed it made it appear as if the wolf was looking right at it.

"It is perfect" I agreed.

We continued working and after all the gluing, writing, and drawing were finished it looked great.

"Are you guys finally done?" Billy asked jokingly.

"Yes we're done" we both answered at the same time and we were both laughing when Billy rolled into the kitchen. I was actually laughing with _real_ people this time.

"Hey, that does look good" Billy agreed.

"Let me get my camera so I can take a picture of you guys with it."

I used to dread getting my picture taken, but it felt different standing next to Jacob. We stayed at the kitchen table and I stood next to Jacob as he remained seated at the side of the table and we each held on to the poster. If he had stood up the poster would have been terribly lop sided and one of us probably would have gotten cut out of the picture. I was actually able to smile and as always Jacob was grinning ear to ear as Billy's camera flashed.

"Ok, just one more" he said as he prepared to take another one.

"Ok dad, but _just _one more because we have to save some film so I can get pictures of Bella after she becomes a cheerleader tomorrow."

I elbowed him behind the poster and he laughed as Billy took the second picture.

Billy shook his head and went back into the living room as we were putting everything away. I had everything back into my bag and swung it over my shoulder as Jacob carefully grabbed the poster. I said goodbye to Billy before we walked out of the door.

It was very dark and Jacob grabbed my hand to lead me to my truck. I held onto his hand not wanting to let go, but knew I had to once we reached my truck. I opened the passenger side door and put my bag on the floorboard and Jacob laid the poster on the seat. He shut the door as I walked around to open my door, but he beat me to it. Before I climbed into my seat I turned around impulsively, leaned towards Jacob, and wrapped my arms around him and let my head rest on his chest. He didn't hesitate to return the embrace and I could feel his cheek on the top of my head. It just felt so good to have contact with someone else. After a moment of just enjoying it I began to speak.

"Jacob?"

"Yes"

"Can I come over tomorrow?"

"Of course you can. Are you still going to try out for cheerleading?"

"Yes, but I'm not going to make it" I added. He laughed and I could feel his warm breath on my head.

"Are we going to work on _your _homework tomorrow?"

"Yes, I have something we can work on."

"Ok, I'll see you tomorrow right after tryouts." I didn't want to let go, but I knew I had to and as soon as I let my arms drop to my sides I felt cold and alone. Almost instinctively Jacob reached out and rubbed my arms with his warm hands and said "I'm really gonna miss you, Bells."

"I'm gonna miss you too Jacob. You're my only friend. Well, my only _real _friend" he nodded as if he understood exactly what I was saying and I had no doubt that he actually did.

I hopped into my truck and made the lonely drive home which seemed longer than ever.

**A/N: **

All of the information I added about the Quileutes is based on information found at the website posted below.

.?page=qnr_

Oh, and the thing that Edward said about you're beautiful even when you're covered in snot is something that someone actually said to me. It just popped into my mind and it seemed to work…lol!

This is a super long chapter so I hope you enjoyed it!

**Reviews are better than looking ridiculously athletic in a matching track suit and visor!**


	7. Chapter 7 Tryouts

**A/N – I don't own Twilight or any of its characters.**

**Chapter 7**

**Tryouts**

Friday morning started out just as any other morning had, with my deafening screams. I got up way earlier than I would have liked, but that was really becoming routine as a result of the continued nightmares.

I busied myself with tidying up my room, but there really wasn't much to do after I made the bed. I hadn't e-mailed my mother for awhile so I thought this was as good of a time as any. I turned on the computer and after waiting for what felt like forever I was able to log into my e-mail account. There was a short message from my mom and I felt bad for not writing her more. I really didn't want to tell her about cheerleading tryouts, maybe later I thought. Instead I told her about all the things that I had done with Jacob, but didn't go into great detail. I told her about us climbing on the rocks, but left out the hand holding and sunset parts. I also told her about the poster, but left out the part about the feather and me elbowing him in the side. I added that he had helped me so much on my homework and I had plans with him tonight to finally help him with his homework. I included some questions about what was going on with her and Phil before I sent the message and I was hoping it was better than the previous ones I had sent.

Once I was finished and had turned the computer off I reached up and grabbed my seashell off of the shelf. I just sat there in the chair rubbing it back and forth with my thumb as I tried to replace the sound of my nightmare with the visions of the sunset that I had seen right before Jacob had given me the shell. Not really noticing if it had helped or not I placed it back on the shelf and began getting ready for school.

I picked out a random outfit and threw it on my neatly, made bed. Then I grabbed the outfit I was going to wear for tryouts out of the laundry basket and put it in my backpack. It was just a pair of cotton shorts and a t-shirt in school colors that Jessica had given me earlier in the week. She had plenty of shorts and t-shirts like that since she had been a cheerleader her freshman year. From what I gathered Angela had mentioned to her that I didn't have anything to wear to tryouts, knowing that she had plenty, and the next day she handed me the clothes in the locker room before practice. It was a very nice thing for her to do, but if I were being honest I would guess that Angela had persuaded her and perhaps reminded her that she was one of the reasons I was even trying out. Jessica had introduced the idea, but ultimately _he_ was the only one who had an impact on my decision. When she gave me the clothes I had thought of it as a very considerate thing for her to do, but noticed she didn't seem very happy with her act of giving. I just chalked it up to Jessica's inherent personality. It was a very reasonable deduction one in which I believed until I overheard Angela talking to Jessica across the locker room. She said "I thought you were going to give her more than just one of your dozen outfits" she stated in an aggravated tone. I didn't hear a response from Jessica, but thought she may have said or motioned something that I couldn't make out because Angela's voice was scolding when she spoke again "But, Jessica those don't even fit you anymore!" Well, no wonder she seemed so distressed. Jessica and her silly, egotistical ways was jealous that I could fit into her stupid outfits from 3 years ago and she couldn't. Of course her narrow thoughts didn't even consider that she was not only taller than me but also more muscular, or muscular at all I should say. Not only that but I wasn't exactly gaining weight these days, it was actually quite the opposite, but I would have never admitted the change to anyone.

I took my clothes off my bed and went into the bathroom to get ready for the day. I stopped in the kitchen on my way out and grabbed a pop tart from the cabinet and stuffed my lunch in my backpack before I left for school. I was not looking forward to today and I couldn't wait to get these stupid tryouts that everyone was talking about over with.

The first day of practice I hadn't even noticed Lauren on the other side of the group. Apparently Jessica was still not speaking to her for some act of treason she had committed last weekend. I believe the crime was borrowing Jessica's new blouse, staining it, returning it, and not apologizing or offering to replace it.

The way I saw it was, ideally, the three of them, Lauren, Jessica, and Angela, would make the squad and once again the world would make sense. The sooner these 'fun' tryouts were finished the sooner I could get to the one place I really wanted to be – Jacob's.

I pulled into the school parking lot and parked in my new, usual spot and headed to take my early seat in math class.

The last bell rang and I walked to my locker as if I were a death row inmate walking to the executioner. Jessica and Angela came bouncing up to me with their hair in pony tails and giddy looks on their faces. I tried to match their enthusiasm, but I doubt I came close. We walked down to the locker room as they talked about how much they had practiced the night before and in the morning before school. I couldn't bring myself to do such silly things on my own accord, but I nodded as they spoke in hopes that they would not question my own practice regimen. Once we got into the locker room we changed quickly and I told them, while I was putting my hair in a pony tail, that I would meet them out there. They agreed without a moment's hesitation, probably wanting every extra second in the gym to practice.

_I could run_ I thought to myself. No that would be silly after all I did agree to do this so I just had to get it over with. I stood frozen in front of the door that led to the gym from the locker room.

If I hadn't had my worst nightmares the past several nights I would swear that I was getting ready to enter mine. I just stood there repeating _it's just a tryout, just a tryout, that's it_. There was no harm in just trying out. It would be an all around success I reassured myself. I would appease my dream Edward and hopefully see him again. I had came to the conclusion I would rather see him, albeit briefly, than not at all. I would also succeed at getting Jessica and Angela off my back. Plus, I was already succeeding at easing Charlie's mind somewhat and of course I would succeed at making a fool out of myself which happens in any given day anyway. So, like I said an all around success. I exhaled deeply, swung the door open, and walked through.

"Here goes nothing."

I walked across the gym floor and sat with the other girls. I don't know if I had caused a hold up or not, but it didn't really matter at that moment. Knowing that my chance for running was gone I sat there repeating to myself _'just a tryout, just a tryout…'. _We started with stretching and I never stopped my silent chant until it was time for me to start yelling and clapping. Everyone scurried around to get into formation and I took my spot at the end. I don't know if it was luck or if Missy had been forewarned about me or maybe it was just evident and I wasn't really fooling anyone, none of which would have surprised me. I stood there with my hands locked behind my back and thought _I don't have to do well I just have to not injure myself or others. _That's what a pretty good goal, right? There was no one behind me and only one person to my right. I didn't really know her, but I think her name is Jamie, all the same I hope I don't crash into her or hit her in the face. I actually felt calm as I stood there with my hands clasped waiting and that's when I saw _him _sitting in the bleachers. I would have strayed away in the middle of cheering if he had not disappeared. 

I squinted my eyes in confusion, but didn't even try to make sense of any of it knowing it would be a wasted effort.

We performed the cheer and it went really well. I only stumbled once, but was able to restore my balance quickly sparing my face and my neighbor any bodily harm.

At the end I went down into the splits as did the girl on the other end, Lauren. I held my arms up, in a cheerful fashion of course, and smiled a big, fake smile which I was getting somewhat better at.

We were split up into two smaller groups and each group performed once more. We concluded the last cheer and after our pose at the end we clapped and Jessica had already told me to kick my leg up as high as I could with my hands at my sides. We clapped some more and there was a varied yelling of "Woo! Woo!" I imagined it wouldn't feel as silly to do in front of an actual team instead of three judges. Too bad I would never find that out for sure, but that was one theory I could live without proving.

The judges said we would find out who made it on Monday as several non-cheerful groans were let out. It didn't bother me in the least as I walked back to the locker room to change. Rejection now, rejection later, in this situation, it was all the same.

It was a fairly warm day so instead of putting my hot sweater back on I just opted to leave the t-shirt and shorts on instead. The added bonus of that was that I could leave sooner. I walked into the locker room and grabbed my bag anxious to head out the door, but decided I would freshen up before I left. _No need walking around smelling like a gym sock _I thought.

The nightmare was officially over and I was walking across the parking lot and I had almost made it to my truck.

"Hey, Bella!"

Jessica and Angela ran up to me.

"Hey, what's the hurry?" Jessica asked.

"Oh, I'm supposed to meet a friend."

"Oh" they both said in a confused and disappointed tone.

"Well we were hoping that you would come back to my house with us. We're going to order pizza and watch cheerleader movies." Angela's voice sounded a little let down.

_Wow that sounded pretty tempting…not!_

"I'm really sorry, but if I had known I wouldn't have made plans." I'm glad I didn't know because I liked my plans way better than theirs anyway.

"Well, do you have any plans on Thursday?"

Ugh, that was my day off.

"No" I said wishing I could be rude.

"Good! We're having a girl's night. We're going to Port Angles to do some shopping and stuff."

_And stuff? _I didn't want to know.

"You'll come right?" Angela asked almost pleading.

"By then we'll know if we made the squad or not." Jessica said smiling and I was wondering if she was genuinely including me in that 'we'.

"Yeah, that sounds like fun." I said with phony eagerness. It actually sounded like the direct opposite of fun, but I was horrible at saying no.

"So Bella, where are you going?" Jessica asked. I was hoping they wouldn't ask because I didn't feel like answering all of their questions.

"La Push" I answered clearly not answering anything at all. My vague answer didn't stop Jessica from trying to satisfy her question.

"Who's in La Push?"

"My friend…Jacob"

"Ooooh!" she exclaimed as soon as I spoke his name and I let a big scowl take over my face.

"It's not like that!" I growled.

Jessica gasped "Is that the boy you walked on the beach with when we all went down there that one time?"

"Yeah, that's him" I confirmed reluctantly.

"Ooh, he's cute!" Jessica exclaimed. I wasn't sure if she really thought so, if she even remembered what he looked like, or if she was trying to encourage me because she still had feelings for Mike.

"We're just friends." I said firmly.

"For now" Jessica teased as she nudged my arm.

"Jessica, I have a boyfriend! Remember!?!"

"Oh yeah, I'm sorry, I just…um…uh" she continued to stammer and was obviously flustered.

My face calmed and I replied "Jessica, it's ok. I'll see you guys on Monday" and I got into my truck.

As I pulled away I looked at them in my rear view mirror and saw a horrified look on Angela's face as she animatedly spoke to Jessica. I exhaled as their reflections continued to shrink. I always felt better when I was on my way to see Jake.

I finally pulled up into the driveway and I yanked my keys out of the ignition so fast I dropped them on the floorboard. I bent down to pick them up and then lifted my head and shrieked. Jacob was standing right in front of my window. He jumped when I screamed, but then started laughing as he opened the door.

"You scared me!" I scolded as I frowned at him.

"I didn't mean to" he said laughing.

I nodded letting my frown fade as I got out of the truck.

"Hey, don't you look all cheerleadery!"

"Jacob, that's not even a word" I said rolling my eyes at him.

"So, how did you do?"

"Well, I lived to tell about it."

"Uh, huh" apparently he had noticed.

"I won't know until Monday."

"Aw, I was hoping to get my picture today, you look so cute."

"I'm not going to make it." There was no convincing him and he just stood there smiling at me.

"Hey Jacob, can we go talk?"

"Sure Bells, let's go down to the beach."

I nodded and we started walking.

I was thinking about what Jessica had said. It was true I adored Jacob, he was my sunbeam, but I loved Edward, he was my world. I saw the way Jacob looked at me and how he had used the word 'cute' I just knew his feelings for me were different. We reached the sand and I began to speak.

"Jacob?"

"Yeah"

"Do you remember what I said about you being my only _real _friend?"

"Sure" he said as he nodded.

"Well, I really feel that way and I like you a lot…as a friend." I paused and took in a breath. "It's just that I have a boyfriend and I don't want you to get the wrong idea."

"Bella, I'm perfectly content with being your friend, but I thought _he_ was gone."

It was like he knew not to speak his name and I sat down on a nearby log and stared at the sand fighting a battle with my tears. "He is gone." I said in barely a whisper.

"Is he coming back?" Jacob asked reluctantly.

"I don't know" I answered honestly. I believed he was. It was the only thing that got me out of bed some days. Other days I honestly believed he was in Baltimore receiving dialysis. I guess my opinion on the matter was irrelevant.

He wrapped his warm arm around me and when the heat of skin touched mine I realized I had been cold. I exhaled deeply and looked up at him.

"Are you ready to go do some homework?" he asked.

"Of course" I replied feeling bad I was wasting his homework time.

We stood up and began walking down the beach. All of a sudden I tripped and fell face first into the sand. I guess I was making up for all of the avoided mishaps from tryouts. I sat there examining some minor scrapes on my hands and knees.

"Are you ok?"

"Yes, I'm fine" I answered embarrassed.

He reached down and scooped me up off of the ground just as Sam Uley had done and I shivered.

"Bella, you're so light! It's like carrying a sack of potatoes." He said as he lifted me up and down slightly as if he were a giant scale.

I lost it and started laughing hysterically with my head against his chest.

"I'm glad you're laughing again. I was afraid that last night may have been a one time deal."

I looked up at him puzzled. He had noticed.

"I can walk" I said and he promptly put me down.

"I know. I just didn't want to grab your scraped hands." Was there anything he didn't notice? Probably not I concluded.

"Maybe we should eat something before we start on my homework. I'm afraid you're gonna waste away." He said it in a teasing tone, but he probably meant it, knowing how I must look wearing something so much tighter than my usual clothing.

"I'm going to make you my specialty…grilled cheese sandwiches" he said proudly.

"I love grilled cheese" I wasn't even trying to be polite, I really do.

"We'll need to go to the store for some bread"

"Ok' I said and by this time we were back to his yard. He ran in to tell Billy where we were going and I waited in my truck. It didn't take long for him to come running and after he slammed the door behind him I pulled out of the driveway.

I parked near the store and walked around to the sidewalk where Jacob was waiting for me. We started walking and then stopped dead in our tracks, our eyes both staring at the same thing, a large photo booth that sat at the end of the sidewalk. He quickly grabbed my hand and dragged me down the sidewalk. It wasn't that I wouldn't have gone willingly, but my short legs couldn't keep up with his long strides. He dug some change out of his pocket and shoved it into the slot before pulling me in and shutting the curtain behind us. The camera began flashing and we took five pictures. The first one we made fish faces, we did bunny ears on each other, we stuck our tongues out, puffed our cheeks out like blowfish, and the last one was just smiles. We repeated the whole thing so we could both have a complete set.

Jacob collected them as the machine spit them out and handed me one saying "Here you go I've heard that 'onlies' have a hard time sharing." He loved teasing me.

"Really? I heard the same thing about 'babies'.

We both laughed as we bought the bread and headed back to his house.

I sat at the table while Jacob cooked.

"So, what kind of homework do you have?"

"You'll see"

He turned to the table with two plates in his hands. We sat eating and talking casually about whatever popped into our heads. He told me about his friends Quil and Embry and the funny things they did in school this week. I told him that Jessica thinks he's cute and maybe I would give her his number, but he just rolled his eyes at me. He was amazed that I had kept the death toll at zero during tryouts, and even at practice, and once we finished cleaning up the kitchen together I followed Jake to the living room. He stopped in front of Billy who had been quiet, but was smiley at us now "Dad, we're gonna work on homework in my room." Billy nodded not giving it a second thought and I followed him to his room.

It was a small room, but was amazingly tidy for a teenage boy. I assumed that he had cleaned it, probably today, in anticipation for this moment. I sat down on his bed that was nicely made with a dark, plaid comforter.

"I like your room" I said smiling. I did like it, it was very comfortable just like it was to be around Jacob.

"Remember the language revitalization thing I told you about?"

"Sure"

"Well, I thought we could work on that" he said holding up a CD case.

"Ok, that sounds fun, but you know I won't really be any help."

"Yes, you'll plenty of help. Do you know how boring it is to repeat this stuff all by yourself?

"Ok" I chuckled. He grabbed a portable CD player off the dresser and after inserting the CD he leapt across me landing on the other side of the bed. When his weight landed on the bed it nearly bounced me right off the side, but Jacob swung his arm around me right before I tumbled to the floor.

"Sorry" he said with a shameful look on his face.

"I guess you don't know your own strength." I said laughing, trying to make him feel better.

He smiled at me as he withdrew his arm. I always felt a little sad when the warmth and closeness of his arm or hand left me, but I was glad that he didn't know that. He had earphones in his hand and said we could use them so we wouldn't disturb Billy in the next room. I noticed the door was left wide open and I didn't know if that was Billy's recommendation or not. We each put one on and laid there next to each other repeating the words that were being spoken by the man on the CD.

We had been doing this for awhile and we were looking at each other as we were speaking the words and laughing when his eyes looked up and a shocked look came over his face I looked up and saw two guys with equally shocked looks on their faces staring back at us.

Jacob pulled his earphone off which made mine fall out too and we, almost simultaneously, sat up.

Jacob composed himself and began to speak "Hey guys, this is my friend Bella. Bella, this is Quil and Embry"

"Hi, nice to meet you." I replied.

"So, what are you doing?" one of the boys asked.

"We're just hanging out" Jacob replied.

"I really should be going it's getting late and I can only hope that Charlie has found the leftovers I put out for him."

"Oh, you don't have to go. I'm sure they were just leaving." Jacob said as he eyed the boys standing in the doorway.

"Really, it's getting late, but I'll see you again soon." This made the boys smirk.

I stood up to walk out and Jacob got up to follow. I started to walk out of the bedroom door and my shoulder brushed against one of the boys. I looked up and they were both just staring at me so I told them goodnight…in Quileute. Their mouths just dropped open and as Jacob walked passed them he swatted each one on the head. When I was a few steps down the hallway I heard one of them say "That was hot!".

"You just couldn't resist could you?"

"No" I admitted and after I told Billy goodnight, in English I may add, and stepped out onto the porch we both erupted in laughter. When the laughter died down Jacob looked at me seriously.

"Now I'm gonna have to tell them what we were doing."

"So. Is it against the rules or something?" I asked sarcastically.

"Well, no, but you know they're going to make fun of me for having a cheerleader in my bed and teaching her how to speak another language."

"Jacob!" He gave me an apologetic look guessing that I had been offended by the 'in my bed' part of his statement. "I am not a cheerleader, Jacob Black, you need to realize and accept that fact!"

He started laughing again and so did I. We stepped off the porch and into the darkness and my hand was instantly swept up by his. "I can't have you falling again" he said.

I nodded, but I doubt he could see me. We got to my truck and he opened the door for me. I got in and turned to look at him and he already had his arms stretched out towards me and I leaned towards him letting myself crash into his chest as our arms wrapped around each other.

"Are you coming over tomorrow?" he asked as he gently stroked my hair that was still in its ponytail.

"Yes, I can come in the afternoon after work."

I knew I would have to let go in a moment and I would be all alone again. The thought of it made be tighten my grip just slightly and Jacob instinctively cupped his hand against my head, making it feel even more secure against his chest. He knew just how to make me feel safe and I let out a deep sigh as I let my arms fall, but this time Jacob did not return the action.

"Bella?"

"Yeah"

"Are you ok?"

"Sure I am. Why wouldn't I be?"

He removed his hand from my head and looked in my eyes and I returned his gaze as I listened to him speak.

"I just worry about you that's all" he said sheepishly. "You just look so tired…and skinny" he added.

"I am tired. I haven't been sleeping well" I admitted.

He nodded, leaned down, and kissed the top of my head. "Sweet dreams, Bella" and then he said goodnight, in Quileute, and walked away.

I felt just as I knew I would…alone.

I got home and found Charlie in front of the TV. Apparently he had no problem finding the food I left for him and I tried to escape to my room.

"Bella! How did tryouts go?"

"They went well, but I won't know until Monday."

"Oh, well how do you think you did?"

"I lived to tell about it" I offered, but apparently no one liked that remark because he gave me an unenthused look in return.

"I didn't fall or anything, but I really don't think I have a chance."

"Oh, well that's too bad"

_Was it really? No! _I nodded in fake agreement and tried to make my way to the stairs.

"So, how was Jacob's?"

"Good. He made me dinner and we listened to a CD that teaches you how to speak Quileute."

Charlie chuckled "What did he make you macaroni and cheese?"

"Close, grilled cheese, but it was very good."

I gave Charlie a hug, which kind of surprised him, and told him goodnight, in Quileute, which surprised him more. "What does that mean?"

"It means goodnight" and then finally I ran up the stairs.

I closed my door behind me and took the pictures that Jake and I had taken this afternoon out of my pocket and placed them on my shelf next to the seashell.

I grabbed some pajamas and went to take a shower knowing that I would feel better getting this stupid outfit off knowing I'd never have to wear it again.

I re-entered my room nice and clean, my hair still wet but at least combed. I sat on my bed and realized how exhausted I really was. I turned off the light and quickly got under the covers knowing what would be in store. I had won the battle on the beach with my tears, but I knew that here and now I would lose the war.

I was so alone and empty and I just felt like each day was harder than the one before and that's when the tears began to fall and continued to fall as I laid there and sobbed. When the tears finally stopped I believed that they were just all gone because the sobs continued for awhile.

"Bella?"

"Oh no! Go away!"

"Bella" _He_ said pleadingly

"Can't you just leave me alone!?! I'm dead, have you come to bury me?"

His fingers returned to my hair and began twirling.

I exhaled and just laid there. I had no strength left in me to protest so I thought I might as well enjoy my insanity.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I just came to say what a good job you did today."

I looked up. I knew he had been there and finally I was hearing the words that I had wanted to hear all along.

"Really?" I choked out.

"Oh yes, love. I am so proud of you."

I smiled at him before my heavy eyes fell shut and the last thing I heard was "I love you".

**A/N - Reviews are better than being skinnier than Jessica Stanley!**


	8. Chapter 8 Just Smiles

**Disclaimer – I do not own Twilight or any of its characters.**

**A/N – Here it is the first JPOV! I never planned to do a JPOV, but he is very convincing…lol! I hope you enjoy!**

**_____________________________________________________________**

**Chapter 8**

**Just Smiles**

**JPOV**

I woke up early Saturday morning to the sound of my dad talking in the living room. I got up to find him and Charlie getting ready to go fishing.

"Good morning, Jacob!"

"Good morning, Charlie" I repeated with a yawn.

"So, I hear you make a mean grilled cheese sandwich."

"Yeah, I guess so" I laughed and then smiled knowing that Bella had told him that.

His voice got serious as he continued "I'm so glad that you guys started hanging out, she just seems so much happier when she comes home from here or I guess I should say happy at all. I don't even remember how long it had been since I had seen her smile or heard her laugh."

I nodded remembering how she was on the first night.

"I've actually been worried about her. She just looks so tired and skinny."

"She doesn't sleep much."

"Yeah, she said she didn't sleep well."

"That's an understatement" he said automatically, but then looked like he almost regretted that he had let that slip out.

I looked at him with great concern so he went on in a very somber tone.

"She screams every night. It's the most horrific screaming you could ever imagine and when she's not screaming well, I can hear her sobbing pretty much the whole time she's awake in her bed at night or in the morning. It's no better when she's not screaming or crying."

"What do you mean?"

He hesitated, but went on. "Well, she has conversations…sometimes arguments…with herself."

"Ever since he left?"

"Yeah" he said looking at me skeptically probably because I avoided his name just like Bella does.

"Did she tell you why he left?"

"No and I didn't ask."

"Well, I suppose you should know. He was diagnosed with kidney failure and the whole family left for Johns Hopkins in Maryland. Carlisle got a job there and they just up and moved. He didn't even say goodbye to her. He had Alice do it. He hasn't even been in touch with her since. I keep hoping that his condition will improve and he'll call her, or at least just call her, but she acts like he's already died.'

At the beginning of this conversation my father got visibly upset and wheeled himself to the kitchen. I knew he didn't like the Cullens. He was a superstitious, old man who still believed in all of the old stories of our ancestors, but he wasn't the only one on the rez that felt that way. The night they left, the night Sam found Bella in the forest, at least a dozen people were out acting like a bunch of crazies lighting fires and hooting and hollering into the night.

"We better get going while the fish are still biting." Charlie exclaimed loudly for my father to hear, we nodded our goodbyes, and they left for the day.

My heart broke for Bella knowing how much pain she was going through. I already knew she was in pain, but just picturing her all alone and imagining her screams the way her father had described them it made me want to cry. In that moment I hated them, or at least Edward, as much as my father did, although not for the same reason.

The only thing that made me feel better was picturing Bella how she was when she was with me. She had started to laugh and smile again. She wasn't the same Bella she had been, as I pictured the Bella I had danced with at prom, but maybe in time she would be.

I couldn't wait for her to come over. I just kept thinking how alone she must feel. I knew those girls she called her friend weren't her real friends. She herself said I was her only _real _friend and I knew that. After all how could someone that really knew and cared about Bella expect her to be a cheerleader or think that she would even enjoy it. I have to admit that Bella as a cheerleader was the sexiest thing ever, but I knew it wasn't her type of thing and I was glad that she didn't think she would actually make the squad. Someone with Bella's coordination would end up in a full body cast by the time football season was over. I shook my head as I let out a little chuckle thinking about how clumsy she was. I knew in my heart I would protect Bella from anything…even herself.

I walked into my room that was actually pretty clean for once. It was an easy few steps to the bed when the floor was free from the usual dish, dirty clothes, and other random stuff that had littered it before I cleaned it yesterday. There was no way I would have let Bella in my room the way it looked before. I had worried about having Bella in my room at all because I didn't want her to get the wrong idea. She didn't though, she never hesitated, and either way I left the door open just to make sure she knew she could trust me. I wouldn't have even planned for us to be in my room, but I really wanted her to listen to the CD with me. Ever since the night on the rock when she had said "good morning" in Quileute I had wanted her to listen to it with me, to speak the words with me. She sounded so cute, like when the small children first learned how to speak and say the same words in their little voices. I was already fluent in Quileute, my father had made sure of that just as his had made sure with him, but I wasn't going to tell Bella that.

I grabbed the pictures from the photo booth off of my dresser and plopped back down on my bed. It made me feel better to see Bella's funny expressions looking back at me, but what made me feel better still was her smile. After looking at all of the comical poses that were so adorable the last one was still my favorite, the one that was just smiles.

I breathed a sigh of relief as I closed my eyes picturing that smile in my head. I slowly drifted back to sleep never letting go of the pictures in my hand.

**BPOV**

I woke up with a start and jerked myself into a sitting position. It was morning and the sun was already up. I looked around frantically and full of confusion. Only I would be alarmed to be _not _screaming when I woke up, but there was a sound coming from somewhere. I turned my head to my nightstand and realized the phone was ringing. I grabbed it and gave a scratchy "hello".

"Hey Bella, it's Mike."

"Oh, hi Mike, how are you?"

"Good. I didn't wake you did I?"

"No, I was just lying in bed." I was glad that I wasn't in one of my sobbing fits when he called, but ordinarily I would have just been lying in bed.

"That's good. I was just calling because it's really slow today so you really don't need to come in."

"Oh, ok." I was beyond glad, but tried to mask it.

"Um, Bella?"

"Yeah"

"I was just wondering if maybe you would like to go out sometime?"

If Mike wasn't anything else he was persistent.

"Like on a date?"

"Well, it could be."

"Mike, I don't know if everyone has amnesia or what, but I have a boyfriend and I don't really think he would appreciate me going out with other guys."

"Oh, I um...uh…er...I just…um" Wow, I guess I had that affect on people.

"Mike, it's ok. I'll see you at school, bye."

That was terribly uncomfortable, but at least I had the day off. This meant I could go down to Jacob's all that much earlier.

I started to get out of bed and realized how much better I felt actually getting some sleep and not screaming my head off. Not having that nightmare alone made me feel a hundred times better. I actually didn't dream about anything at all.

I sat at my desk wondering how early would be too early to go down to Jacob's. I looked up and grabbed the pictures that sat next to the shell and stared at them. I looked almost happy sitting next to Jacob, my sunbeam, and I was happy just not the same happy that I was capable of…before. Looking at his funny face reminded me how it was so easy to laugh and smile around him and it not be fake or forced. I loved that goofy face, but most of I loved that smile and how that smile always made me smile. Jacob was my only _real _friend, my best friend and that's what we looked like in the last picture, the one with just our smiles, my favorite one.

Not knowing if Jacob had other plans for the day I decided to give him a call and ask him if it was ok that I come earlier.

**JPOV**

I was startled by the sound of the phone and jumped out of bed to answer it almost tripping on the way since I was still half asleep. I was kind of sad Bella wasn't here to catch it, she would've gotten a big kick out of that and I laughed thinking about it.

"Hello"

"Hi Jake, it's Bella"

"Oh, hi are you still going to come over later?" I was really worried that something had come up and I tried not to sound disappointed, but I was really looking forward to seeing her. I couldn't explain how much it pained me to think about her all alone and although I had been afraid that my touch would make her uneasy I believed she actually found it comforting, that it made her feel less alone.

"Actually, that's why I was calling" Darn, she really was canceling.

"I don't have to work today and I wasn't sure if you had plans or not, but I was wondering if I could come over earlier?" "If you want me to." She added to the end, of course I wanted her to.

"No, my only plans were to hang out with you so it would be awesome if you could come earlier."

"Cool, I'll be down in about an hour"

I got dressed and tried to stay busy while I waited for her get here. The sound of the loud truck that once belonged to my father had never sounded better than it did when she would pull into my driveway.

I thought about calling Quil and Embry and making sure they didn't come at all today instead of just in the afternoon like I specified last night. When I got back in from walking Bella to her truck last night they had made fun of me at first until they started talking about her in a way that made me so angry. I knew how cute she was in her little outfit and when she spoke in Quileute it would bring a smile to anyone's face.

I was deep in concentration and was amazed that I hadn't even heard the loud truck pull up. I jumped when I heard banging on the front door like someone was kicking it with their foot. The front door was open, but the screen door, that is mostly glass, was closed and I could see her standing there with two paper bags in her small arms. I quickly ran to the door and jerked it open for her and grabbed the bags from her arms. They looked like they probably equaled the same size she was.

"What's all of this? Are you moving in?" I loved teasing her.

"No, it's food and stuff so I can make dinner. I thought since Charlie and Billy were fishing today I would just make dinner here for everyone."

"That's a good idea" and she just nodded at me.

"So what are you making?" I asked as we stood together unpacking the bags and putting the perishables in the refrigerator.

"Lasagna, garlic bread, and cherry pie for dessert. Oh, and I'm making a salad too although I'm probably the only one that's interested in that." She laughed a little when she said that.

"That's probably true since I really didn't hear much except cherry pie." I smiled at her and she smiled back and all of my worry from earlier started to fade and I was so glad that she was here.

**BPOV**

I pulled up to Jacob's and was surprised that he was nowhere in sight. I looked around to make sure he wouldn't materialize out of thin air and scare the crap out of me like yesterday. _He probably just fell back asleep_ I thought as I grabbed the bags of food out of the truck. I was feeling a bit bad about leaving leftovers for Charlie so I thought that I would just cook dinner here tonight and that way I could stay longer and have dinner with Jacob, it was win-win.

I made it across the yard and up the porch steps, but knew that I couldn't open the door so I kicked it with my foot a few times hoping that Jacob wasn't sound asleep and that he would hear it quickly.

He did, he came running and opened the door and grabbed the bags from me in one quick flash.

We stood at the table unpacking the groceries and I was so happy to be here. I told Jacob what I was making for dinner and he seemed pleased, well at least with the dessert. I looked up and my eyes met with his and I could see a sense of relief in his.

"You look better."

"Yeah, I slept pretty good last night."

"Really? Did you have sweet dreams?" I smiled remembering how he had said that softly last night when he kissed my head.

"Actually I didn't dream about anything" which was sweeter than he could possibly understand, but he nodded his head like he did.

"So what do you want to do?" I asked him when our work in the kitchen was finished, for the time being anyway. It was still early and we had plenty of time before I had to start cooking.

"We could go for a walk in the woods."

"Ok" I wasn't much for that type of thing and I hadn't even been back in the woods since…that night, but with Jacob I'm sure it would be fun.

A moment later we were headed out the door and into the woods.

As soon as we stepped into the wooded area with all of the sticks, roots, and rocks everywhere taunting me and threatening my safety with every step. Jacob quickly grabbed a hold of my hand and never let go as we continued to walk.

We walked at a slow pace, which was good for me, and just talked. Jacob would occasionally point out a bird or an animal track and identify it to me. It was interesting and relaxing all at the same time. This seemed like a rather normal thing to be doing and I thought that it seemed a heck of a lot more sensible than me breaking my neck trying to be a cheerleader or trying to do whatever else teenagers were doing_. I draw the line at body piercing and tattoos_ I thought to myself. Edward was old fashioned at heart, as expected since he was nearly a hundred years old, and thought that even he may draw the line at that teenage craze. I winced as my hand shot up to my chest to where the searing pain filled the hole that was left there. I was angry with myself for letting my thoughts get so carried away.

I looked up to see Jacob's concerned face.

"Are you ok?"

"Uh huh" I nodded and it was an unnecessary lie since he already knew the answer.

"Let's sit down" he motioned over to a large log that was right off the path we were walking on.

I sat down and tried to catch my breath. Jacob had let go of my hand when I sat down and now they were both clutching at my chest. I leaned over, but it was more like I tipped over and I laid with my head in Jacob's lap and my legs on the log for quite awhile. He sat there and patiently stroked my hair until I eventually calmed. I didn't really feel like moving. One of his hands was on my shoulder and the other was still on my hair taking turns between stroking and running his fingers through it, but never twirling…thank God.

I wasn't thinking about anything when I heard my name.

"Bella?"

My response came out in no more than a grunt to confirm that I was listening.

"You don't think he's coming back do you?"

I turned around so that I was looking up at him with a dazed look on my face.

I turned back over to my original position and laid my head back down and shook my head. As much as I tried to believe the lies that I told myself, the lies that everyone else believed, in my heart I knew. I just never let myself think it until now and I started crying.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I'm so sorry."

He had nothing to be sorry for, I couldn't live in denial forever. I was sobbing pretty heaving by now and I could tell that Jacob was panicked with guilt. He scooped me up in his arms like a small child and held me close to him. I rested my head on his shoulder and he rocked me back and forth until my crying finally ceased. He was still stroking my hair when I looked up at him.

"Do you want me to carry you back to the house?"

I nodded my head and marveled at our unspoken understanding that still didn't cease to amaze me. Generally I was opposed to being carried around, but I didn't have the energy to walk much less care and I felt like if I left his arms that I would probably break down again anyway.

Somehow he got the front door open without putting me down and he carried me back to his bed and laid me on the plaid bedspread I thought was comfortable last night, but now I didn't think much of anything.

After he set me down he laid on his side next to me, but gave me some space. I slowly inched over to him and put my head on his arm.

He cupped my head with his hand securing it against himself just as he had done that night at my truck.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to upset you, I feel so bad," I knew he felt bad and that made me feel bad…or at least worse.

"You didn't upset me" that was the truth. "I needed to accept the truth, but the truth is so painful."

"Bella?"

"Yeah"

I was looking up at his face that was a few inches away from mine, but he didn't respond. Instead he leaned closer to me until his mouth slowly went past mine and although his lips did not touch mine it felt almost as if they had brushed against each other, it wasn't the electricity I was used to but it _was_ something.

His mouth stopped at my ear and he whispered "I will never leave you. I will always be here for you. I promise."

I almost started crying again, but I felt so much relief at that moment I didn't. It was harder having to deal with the truth that lingered in my head instead of forcing myself to believe the lies, but at least I wasn't alone anymore, at least I felt safe.

I wrapped my arms around him and nuzzled my face against his shirt and fell asleep.

**JPOV**

I knew I shouldn't have asked her that stupid question. I sat there on that log for a long time pondering whether or not I should when I finally decided that I should. I don't know if that was the right decision or not. I knew she wasn't being honest with herself and she was right she did need to accept the truth, but I hated to be the one that opened her eyes. I hated to see her fall apart like that. Even one tear from Bella's eyes was too much for me to bear.

There was more too. She knew things that other people like Charlie didn't know, but I knew she wasn't ready to talk about that so there was no way I was going to ask.

I had never felt about a girl the way I feel for Bella, that I had always felt for her. I didn't care if she only wanted to be my friend or if she was only capable of being my friend. I knew she needed me nonetheless and I could never leave her. I had to tell her because I knew it would make feel better, put her mind at ease and it had she was now breathing slowly as she slept against my chest. When I whispered in her ear I did want to kiss her, but I knew that was not what she wanted and it was beyond the wrong time. I had been surprised when my lips passed hers there was this feeling it was like a spark, like a magnetic spark.

My eyes started to close as I listened to Bella's rhythmic breathing. Her breathing sped up slightly and I heard her say "no" a few times in a quiet voice and I think I heard the word "monster". I started to pat her back trying to soothe her back into sleep but she leapt out of my arms so fast that I just laid there puzzled. I will never forget the sound that invaded my ears. It was nothing like I had imagined it _was _horrific and painful but it was more than that, it brought tears to my eyes it was so sad. It seemed like she had been screaming forever, but it was probably one a few seconds and then she turned and looked at me with tears streaming down her face. I held out my arms not knowing for sure if she wanted to stay or not, but she collapsed in my arms.

Her face was pressed against my chest again which muffled her cries but I heard her repeated mumbles "I'm so tired" and I knew she wasn't talking about sleep.

**BPOV**

How many times am I going to break down today?

I was beginning to calm down which was a lot easier when Jacob was holding me and I felt so much gratitude for everything he had done.

"Jacob?"

"Yes, Bella"

"You're my best friend."

"I know"

"I know you know. You know everything." He just laughed.

"You want to help me make some pie?"

"You had me at pie" he smiled and I smiled back as we headed to the kitchen.

**A/N – So, there is a lot of emotion in this chapter especially from Jacob since this is the first time his point of view is shown. **

**I wouldn't read too much into this, or anything, because there are a lot of twists and turns ahead.**

**I'm not sure if there will be anymore JPOV.**

**Reviews are better than sleeping in Jacob Black's bed…maybe.**

**Please review or you will break Jacob's heart and make him want to cry…lol**


	9. Chapter 9 I Love You

**DISCLAIMER – I do not own Twilight or any of its characters…duh.**

**A/N – ****Thank you to everyone that reads and reviews!**

**Big thanks to Jamie, my personal cheerleader, and bonnie/lulu who have been there since chapter one and to twilightsgrace23 who takes the time out from the million stories she's writing to read this one (yes, literally one million…lol!). **

**Chapter 9**

**I Love You**

**BPOV**

I rubbed my tired eyes with one hand and then quickly returned it to the steering wheel as I drove to school. Going to school had never really bothered me before and neither did Monday mornings, but that was before and today there wasn't much I liked. I guess you could say I was grouchy, but that just made it sound like I should live in a garbage can. What else do people say? _Did you get up on the wrong side of the bed?_ I guess that could work. I got up on the wrong side of the bed – the screaming side- every morning.

Yesterday had been a long, boring day. I finished researching and typing my paper and the power point presentation really didn't take long to do at all. I broke up the blinding time I spent in front of the computer by taking a few breaks to talk to Jacob on the phone. It didn't compare to seeing him in person of course, but it was better than nothing.

_Here we go another long, tiring week, _I thought. It was literally exhausting and completely draining to spend the entire day here, pretending, fake smiling, trying to keep it together, and trying to avoid all of the memories that waited for me around every corner. It made me think of how tiring it must have been for the Cullens to keep up their charade day in and day out for…well, forever. When the pain started to build in my chest I quickly changed my thoughts.

I pulled into my usual spot and pulled out my poster board and my backpack and headed to class. I stopped at my American History class first to drop off the poster before I headed to math in the other building. The teacher had just gotten there when I did and he complimented me on how well it had turned out and had me hang it on the wall. There were only a few others hanging up and I had to admit that mine was the best, but I gave credit for that to Jacob. I smiled thinking about him as I gave the feather one last look before leaving the room.

I was still the first one to math class, besides the teacher, and my head took its usual resting place on my books. I was just staring at the wall when I heard my name. It wasn't _his _voice and I wasn't sure whose voice it was so I just ignored it, but then it became two voices and it was really distracting so I looked up to see Jessica and Angela's excited faces. They motioned frantically with their hands for me to join them in the hall and they glanced at the teacher to determine if they had accidentally gotten his attention too or maybe it was to try to predict what his reaction would be if they both marched in and dragged me out. I decided it would just be easier to walk out there myself.

"Bella! Bella!" they were both yelling and clapping. Then they both grabbed a hold of me and were jumping up and down and apparently so was I, although I wasn't actually doing any of the jumping.

'_I am in hell' _I thought_. _I wish I had skipped school like Jacob had begged me to. He didn't have school today for some reason I couldn't even remember why. I don't think he really focused on the reason as much as just having the day off.

They were still jumping and they were saying something like "We made it! We made it!". I didn't think much of the 'we' after all there were two of them. They stopped jumping and Angela looked at my unenthused face.

"Aren't you excited?" I gave her the most confused look in the history of confused looks.

"We made it! We _all_ made it!"

I gave her the biggest, most fake smile I could muster and did a little jump "That's wonderful!".

"I know right! We have to go to the other building, but we wanted to come by and tell you since we didn't see you at the list that had been posted."

"Oh yeah, I was gonna check before gym class, when I would be over there." That was a big lie and even if it hadn't been they thought I was crazy anyway for not wanting to check the stupid list the very moment my eyes opened this morning.

"See you later!" they yelled and waved excitedly as the scurried down the hall.

The panic started to rise in me and I wasn't sure what to do. I didn't want to go back into the classroom so I did the only thing I could think of. I took off, ran down the stairs, and stopped outside of the cafeteria where I knew there was a payphone and I noticed my hands were shaking when I could barely dial the number.

"Hello"

"Jake"

"Hey Bella! Did you decide to skip after all?" he asked happily.

"No, I uh, um, uh…" I couldn't breathe let alone form a coherent sentence.

"Bella, what's wrong!?!"

"Oh, it's awful!" I started crying and don't know why exactly I started crying it wasn't _that_ bad.

I could quit, but I didn't feel like I could quit so maybe that's why I was crying or maybe I was just having a full out mental breakdown.

"Bella, what's going on?"

"I made it, I made the stupid cheerleading squad!" it was hard to make out what I was saying between my crying so I repeated myself.

"You're crying because you're a cheerleader?" he was genuinely confused and concerned.

"Yes. No. I don't know." I really didn't know and I wish I had skipped today. "I just hate being here."

"You can come here."

"I know, but I can't miss anymore school"

"Will you call me later?"

"Yeah, I'll call you from work."

"Bella, I miss you."

"I miss you too, Jake."

I hung up the phone and ran back to class.

**JPOV**

I was barely out of bed and had just sat down on the couch with a bowl of cereal to watch some cartoons when the phone rang. I ran to get it wishing in my head the whole time that it was Bella. I hadn't seen her in almost 2 days, but it seemed like forever and it made me wonder how I had ever felt happy before her. I had tried so hard to convince her to skip school and hang out with me today, but in the end I knew she wouldn't. She was just too responsible for that kind of stuff.

"Hello"

"Jake"

Oh, thank goodness it was her. Maybe she decided that she would skip school today.

"Hey Bella! Did you decide to skip after all?" I was really hoping that she would say yes.

"No, I uh, um, uh…"

She wasn't making any sense and I could tell by her voice that she was upset.

"Bella, what's wrong!?!" I was so worried and I just kept getting more worried as a thousand bad scenarios ran through my head.

"Oh, it's awful!"

It sounded like she was crying and I only got more worried with every second that passed.

"Bella, what's going on?"

"I made it, I made the stupid cheerleading squad!"

I could barely understand her, but she repeated herself and I felt so bad for her because she was absolutely convinced that she wasn't going to make it and she must've been blindsided this morning with the news and I could imagine how that would bring up bad feelings for her.

"You're crying because you're a cheerleader?" I knew it wasn't the real reason, not completely, but I wondered why she wouldn't just quit.

"Yes. No. I don't know. I just hate being here."

Of course she would hate being there, and I imagined all the reasons why it must have been torture for her and it made me said knowing that she had to go there pretty much every day.

"You can come here." I knew she wouldn't, but I just had to offer one more time.

"I know, but I can't miss anymore school"

"Will you call me later?" I knew I would worry all day until I knew that she was ok and I couldn't wait to hear her voice again.

"Yeah, I'll call you from work."

"Bella, I miss you" and I did more than I could even describe.

"I miss you too, Jake." I knew she did, but it was so nice to hear.

The line clicked and the words just came out of my mouth "I love you." I knew she was no longer there, but they came out on their own. I sighed and hung up the phone.

**BPOV**

At the end of the day I wasn't as eager to leave as I was on the days that I went to Jacob's, but at least I was getting out of here. The day went slowly, but I had done fairly well avoiding people. When I found out that practices are on Thursday I thought that our girls night would have to be rescheduled, but no such luck they just said we would go right afterwards.

I pulled up at work and slowly walked in, hoping that I would not be working with Mike. No such luck.

I talked to Jacob for a few minutes and he was happy to hear that there was no more crying about being a cheerleader. As I was hanging up Mike walked out of the back room.

"So, were you telling your dad the good news?"

Good news? Oh yeah, most people considered making the cheerleading squad good news and why wouldn't they it's not like I was drafted I _did_ try out.

"No, actually I was just checking in with a friend."

"Oh" He paused looking a little flustered, but continued.

"Bella, I'm really sorry about the other day."

I tried to protest, but he didn't really let me and then he placed his hand on my shoulder. "I had no idea."

Well, now I have no idea. I was thoroughly confused and I stared back at him bewildered.

"I'm sorry I didn't know about Edward and I feel like a total ass."

What! I didn't know how he knew this, but I did not want to be having this conversation. The intense pain was building in my chest and I felt like I wanted to bolt right out of the front door.

"I know I'm not supposed to know about that and I'm not going to tell anyone, but I'm glad that Jessica told me. I just wanted to tell you that if you ever need anything I'm here for you."

"How did Jessica know?" It was actually the first thought that came to my mind, but I ended up blurting it out.

"Angela told her."

_Well, how in the hell did Angela know?_ I could tell this line of questioning was going nowhere, but in circles.

"Mike, I'm sorry but I'm really not feeling well. Do you mind if I leave?"

"No, no not at all."

He tried to say more, but I grabbed my jacket and backpack and went out the door knowing exactly where I'd be going…Angela's.

I stood on the doorstep pounding on Angela's door, probably sounding like the police, but I didn't care.

She opened the door and her face looked a bit confused until she saw it was me and then her expression lit up, but mine did not.

"Can I talk to you for a minute?"

"Sure, Bella come in."

"Privately?"

"Oh"

I think she knew exactly what I wanted to talk about in that moment and I followed her up the stairs and into her room. I sat on her bed that was covered with a flowered quilt and watched her as she shut the door and turned around to look at me. She looked very nervous and I'm sure I looked very pissed.

"Bella, I know you know that I know but I never meant for anyone else to know or for you to know that I knew or to know that they knew."

She really was nervous and she just kept rambling on until I raised my hand out to shush her.

"How do you know?"

"Well, my aunt Lori is a nurse and she works at the hospital. She didn't work with Dr. Cullen very often but she is friends with nurses who did and that is how she heard about Edward. I mentioned how weird it was that they just up and moved out of the blue and she told me the real reason why they left."

There was a moment of silence and when I looked up to listen to her continue I realized I was lying down and both of my hands were pressing against where it felt like the fiery hole in my chest was.

"I'm sorry Bella, I really am. I wasn't going to tell anybody, but when Jessica was saying all that stuff to you in the parking lot on Friday I just had to get her to stop and I knew if she knew about Edward that she wouldn't say that stuff to you anymore. She wasn't supposed to tell anybody, but when Ben told me in front of her that Mike had called you on Saturday and asked you out she told Mike about it when they were in English together."

I nodded trying to ignore words like 'real reason' and 'Edward'. She walked around the bed and sat next to me so that her legs were on the bed, but she was still sitting up and she rubbed and patted my back just like my mother had done that day in my room.

I was trying my hardest not to cry, but I knew if she continued doing that and I continued thinking about my mom I would so I rolled over. I was looking up at her and she looked like she was debating with herself as she bit her lip, but then she began to speak.

"He's gonna be ok Bella. You'll see. There's dialysis, medicines, transplants there's a ton of stuff they can do for him. I really believe he'll be back."

It was the stupidest thing I had ever heard, but Angela didn't know that and at the same time it was the most comforting thing I had ever heard. It was completely counterproductive to the discussion that I had with Jacob a couple days prior, but I didn't really care. Then I realized that I should care because I was going to go completely insane and delusional…more so than what I already was. So, that's when I made the most rash, ridiculous decision I had ever made.

"Angela, can I ask you to do me a favor, a big favor?"

"Sure"

"If my dad calls here asking for me will you cover for me?"

"Ok, but I've never lied to a cop before; he won't arrest me will he?"

She was teasing…kind of, but I knew she would cover for me.

"Thanks Angela!" and I reached out and hugged her.

She didn't ask, but I knew she wanted to "I'll explain later ok?"

She nodded and I said a quick goodbye before I took off down the stairs and out the front door, luckily not falling on my face in the process.

It was still fairly early so my dad wasn't home yet when I got there. I ran upstairs and threw some clothes and a tooth brush in a bag and I left it by the front door as I quickly made Charlie some dinner before I left.

I covered the pasta dish and put a note by it with heating instructions just in case it wasn't warm by the time he got home. I then wrote out my other note.

***

Dad,

I'm spending the night at Angela's. I know it's a school night, but my homework is finished and we'll be fine to make it to school on time tomorrow. We just wanted to hang out and celebrate because guess what? I MADE THE CHEERLEADING SQUAD!

Thanks dad, I'll talk to you tomorrow!

Love,

Bella

***

That note was dripping with so much teenage normalcy, not to mention lies and fake enthusiasm, but that was beside the point because I knew all of the normal stuff would make him ecstatic.

I grabbed my bag and ran out the door and jumped in my truck like I was running from the police. Well, I kind of was and I actually _did_ chuckle at that and didn't really stop laughing until I got to Jacob's.

Billy and Harry were visiting friends in a nearby town a couple of hours away and would be back in a few days. Harry's wife, Sue, was checking in periodically on Jacob, but I wasn't worried about that.

I pulled up and left my backpack and other bag in the truck as I walked across the yard. Jacob walked out onto the porch right before I reached the steps. He wasn't expecting to see me today and he looked beyond happy. So much that he ran down and picked me up and twirled me around.

"Bella, I'm so happy to see you! I thought you had to work until late."

"I left work early so I came here." he looked at me skeptically because he knew there was more than what I was telling him, no there was no fooling Jacob, so I continued.

'I've just had a really hard day. I'll explain more later." This seemed to satisfy him and he took my hand and led me into the house.

We sat on the couch for awhile sharing a bowl of popcorn and watching a movie that was on television. There were a lot of explosions and fighting with the occasional shoot out thrown in here and there for good measure. I believe the premise was that some people were trying to take over the world and some other people were trying to stop them.

When the world was finally saved and the movie was over Jacob turned to me and asked when I had to be home.

"I kind of wanted to talk to you about that." He looked back confused. "I was wondering if I could stay here tonight."

"I don't understand."

"I" I pointed to myself. "want to stay here." I over enunciated each word and ended with me pointing down at the floor to illustrate the word 'here'.

"No Bella, I understand what you are saying I just don't understand why you would want to stay here or why you would think Charlie would let you."

"I want to stay here because I hate being in my room-in my bed and it makes me feel better when I'm around you and I know Charlie wouldn't let me, that's why he thinks I'm at Angela's."

"I don't think this is a good idea Bella. I mean I want you to stay, but Charlie will kill us if he finds out and by 'us' I mean 'me'."

I didn't say anything I just looked at him with biggest, brownest eyed look I could give him.

"Fine. I'll sleep out here and you can sleep in my bed."

"Yay!" I was clapping my hands and bouncing up and down on the couch. I am sure that I looked as ridiculous as Jessica and Angela had when they were jumping up and down in the hallway today.

"I'm gonna go get my bag out of the truck."

"You're pretty sure of yourself aren't you?" he was laughing when he asked and I just nodded happily.

We both got up and walked hand in hand to my truck. I grabbed my bag and turned around to Jacob standing there with his hand held out. I had no idea what he was waiting for.

"Keys please"

"What for?"

"If your dad finds out you're not at Angela's where do you think the first place he'll look will be and if he sees your truck sitting here how long do you think it'll take him to barge into my house and kill me."

There was no answer necessary to those questions so I just dropped my key into his hand.

"I'll be right back. I'm just going to park it down by the beach."

He bent down and kissed the top of my head before he took off. I walked back to the house and started to get ready for bed. I came out of the bathroom with my pajamas on and me teeth brushed and I threw my bag on the floor and sat on the bed to wait for Jacob to come back.

I was honest with Jacob when he asked me why I wanted to stay here. I was tired of sleeping in the bed that Edward used to lay in with me, of being in the room that Edward used to sneak into almost every night, and I was tired of being in that room knowing what happened right outside of it. I shook my head because if those reasons weren't enough I just didn't want to see him again…not right now and I was fairly certain that I wouldn't have to worry about that here. I was just trying so hard to live in reality and having a conversation with a ghost, or whatever you wanted to call him, really wasn't conducive to that plan.

I was staring out into space when Jacob walked in to me sitting on his bed and he gave me a big smile.

"I was right. You are trying to move in." he joked as he sat next me and I looked up at him and smiled.

"Are you tired?"

"No" I knew I would probably have to force myself to go to bed eventually.

"You know we never got to finish our CD the other night."

"Ok" I liked listening and learning new words with Jacob. Well, I was learning, but I'm sure Jacob didn't need to listen to the CD, I think he just liked listening to me.

After awhile we had finished the first CD and the second one too. He got up to put the CD's away and turn off the stereo and I pulled out my hairbrush from my bag and sat with my legs folded under me on Jacob's bed. When he turned around I gave him my biggest most convincing smile.

"Will you do me a favor?"

"You have my bed what else could you possibly want?" he asked in a fake, irritated tone.

I held out the brush and said "Will you braid my hair?"

"What?"

"I know how to braid, but I can't braid my own hair…not well anyway. I like to wear my hair in a braid when I sleep and my mom used to braid it for me, but now well, it's not like Charlie is going to braid my hair." I laughed at the thought of Charlie braiding my hair. I doubted that he could even make a ponytail.

"So, you can braid but not your own hair?"

"Yes"

"And you just assume that I can braid hair." He tried to sound offended, but I wasn't buying it so I just motioned my brush towards him a few times as a hint for him to take it. He laughed and grabbed it out of my hand and I turned around. It wasn't every day that someone else brushed my hair and it felt nice. His left hand and the brush moved in a rhythm together through my hair as if he was terrified that he would pull my hair.

He braided it pretty quickly and once I felt the gentle tugging stop I held up my hand with the rubber band in it and he had it tied in no time. I turned around with a big smile on my face. He handed me the brush and just kept smiling at me.

"You want me to braid your hair?"

"Well, you said you could braid hair. Is that weird?"

"No it's not weird. I have actually wanted to touch your hair for quite awhile." I don't know why I said that, but it just came out.

"Really?"

"Yeah" I admitted.

I sat on my knees as I brushed his long hair and I ran my other hand through it just as he had done with mine. It wasn't nearly as soft as I thought it would be, it was much softer. It was like black silk. I ran my fingers through it a few extra times before I started braiding it.

When I was finished we both laid down on top of the blankets and rolled over to face each other.

"So are you ready to tell me why you left work early?"

I nodded my head and told him the whole story of how Angela found out why the Cullens left and she told Jessica and then Jessica told Mike and who knows how many other people would know by tomorrow. He never asked any questions and only interrupted once to voice his dislike for Mike, but he seemed glad that it seemed he may back off now.

We laid there for awhile talking and the next thing I knew I was opening my eyes and it was morning. The bedroom light was still on since neither one of us had turned it off and we were still on top of the covers, but my head was on Jacob's chest and his arm was draped around my shoulders. For a moment I was very uncomfortable remembering the last time I had woke up like this, that time it had not been Jacob's chest my head was on, but that feeling soon faded away and was replaced by the feeling of warmth and safety. My moving had woke Jacob up who was now looking down at me and smiling, but then he got a very concerned look on his face.

"Oh, Bella I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to fall asleep in here with you. It's just that you fell asleep first and you had your face pressed against my chest so I didn't want to wake you and I was going to wait a minute before I left for the couch, but then I fell asleep too."

"It's not the first time we both fell asleep on your bed." I said as I thought about last Saturday. I didn't really think it was a big deal. I knew I could trust Jacob.

"No, but it's the first time we both didn't wake up to you screaming."

That was the truth and it was only the second time since _he _was gone that I didn't wake up screaming with those horrible sounds in my head and it only added to my good mood.

I shrugged my shoulders. "I didn't have the nightmare last night."

We got up and got dressed for school and while he was bringing my truck back I cooked us pancakes. Before I left he re-did my braid so I could wear it to school that way and I liked the idea that I could touch my hair and remember the way is hand felt in my hair when he was brushing it.

He gave me a big hug before I got into my truck and we parted ways for school. I missed him the second I drove away and knew it would be a few days before I would see him again.

I reached behind me and stroked the end of the braid and smiled. I knew that when I went home tonight and Charlie asked me what _we _did last night I would be able to tell him, in all honesty, that _we_ braided each other's hair!

I pulled into the school parking lot and felt so much more ready to start the day than I did yesterday.

________________________________________________________________________

**A/N – When I started this chapter I had no plans to have them spend the night together yet, but it just came together that way and this chapter just took on a life of its own and became way longer than I thought it would be. **

**Ok, so I didn't think I would do another JPOV, but I just had to because I wanted him to say "I love you" after she hung up. I think we all knew that he felt that way about her without him saying it, but it's sad and it's something that I do every time I talk to a certain someone. I just can't say it to him, but I don't want to not say it at all so I say it right after he hangs up. So, there's my confession, but I really wanted to include it in the story because I thought it fit and it means something to me so that's why I named the chapter after it and not because it was ultra important because it's not. **

**And if this hasn't been guy inspired enough I did have a boyfriend that would braid my hair before I went to work in high school. So, that was something that I planned to have in the story pretty much all along. (btw snot guy, I love you guy, and braid guy are not the same guy…lol) Oh, and my aunt Lori really is a nurse…lol!**

**So, I wanted to address the most frequently asked question:**

"**Is Edward really dead?" **

**He has actually been dead for quite awhile, but I know that's not what you mean. There is still a lot of confusion about that night for Bella and there will be a lot coming out about it in future chapters. The next few will probably be mostly focusing on Bella doing 'normal teenage stuff', but there is some good stuff on its way.**

**Reviews are better than being drafted by the cheerleading squad or having Jacob Black braid your hair…almost!**


	10. Chapter 10 Lullaby

**DISCLAIMER – I do not own Twilight or any of its characters.**

**Chapter 10**

**Lullaby**

Thursday, 1am

All I could hear were the screams and screeching in my dreams and I cried for what always seemed like an eternity as I waited for them to stop. Eventually they did and I waited for the voices to come, to hear Alice's voice call us both 'monsters'. This had become my personal punishment that I faced every night before I woke up screaming. I heard the words, but the screaming didn't start and I just continued to listen. Then I heard _his_ voice respond to Alice "What choice do we have?" and then like water flowing from a collapsed dam, the screams started.

Horrifying shrieks came out of my mouth and silence only came in the brief moments I took in another breath. I heard a noise; it must've been my father getting out of bed and I think I heard him on the other side of my door, but he never came in.

My throat hurt so bad and all of the crying and screaming had exhausted my already exhausted body. I sobbed into my pillow at the thought of his voice and at that moment I had no concern for what his words meant or for what happened after he spoke them. I only cared that I could hear it in my mind, but I didn't want to remember_ that_ voice. _That _voice was just as Alice's had been, filled with pain to the point it was almost unrecognizable. I wanted to hear the voice that I loved. I changed my mind sanity be damned. I wanted to see him and I wanted to see him NOW!

"Edward. Edward please." I whispered, but nothing happened. Slowly my voice grew louder and louder "Edward please, please come back" I begged in between sobs. I was careful not to shout, but I persistently continued my pleading for, I don't know how long, but until the phone rang. I jumped, but then thought that perhaps my hallucination had learned how to use the telephone. I frowned, displeased with myself, but after all sanity had been damned.

I didn't know if Charlie was still awake, but I quickly grabbed the phone just in case he had fallen back asleep.

"Hello" My voice sounded scratchy and I hoped it would scare whoever thought it was acceptable to call at such a late hour. I thought maybe it was a prank call or maybe it was someone from the station calling Charlie about an emergency.

"Bella, are you OK? You don't sound well."

"Jake?"

"Yeah, I couldn't sleep so I thought I would give you a call. I woke you didn't I? I'm so sorry, I knew I shouldn't call so late."

"No, no you didn't wake me. I'm actually glad you called." My voice was tired and weak, but he knew I meant it.

"I miss you, Bella"

"I miss you too"

"My bed misses you"

I wouldn't have thought it possible to laugh at that moment, but leave it to Jake. "Yeah, I miss it too, it's way more comfortable than here" and we both knew I wasn't talking about the mattress.

I was wallowing in my self pity again when I heard Jacob begin to speak.

"I saw a squirrel fall out of a tree yesterday."

"What?" I don't think I heard him correctly; my ears must really be playing tricks on me.

"Yeah, there was this squirrel climbing a tree, you know running up and down and out onto the branches with the other squirrels, just doing regular squirrel stuff."

He had grabbed my attention and I was picturing their little bushy tails as they scurried around the trees. "OK, sure regular squirrel stuff" I responded truly intrigued to hear the rest of his story.

"Well, all of a sudden this squirrel falls off the branch and onto the ground, but _she_ just gets up and runs away."

"_She_?"

"Yeah _she_, Bella the squirrel."

"Hmph, that that squirrel probably had rabies and that's why _he_ fell." I scoffed.

"_He_?"

"Yeah, Jake the rabid squirrel."

We were both cracking up and we continued to joke and laugh about the squirrels for a little longer. Leave it to Jake to know exactly what to say. Then I noticed the clock.

"Jake, it's almost 4am! You better get some sleep or you'll be exhausted tomorrow, I mean today."

"I know, but I don't want to hang up." His voice was filled with sadness.

"Why?" it was almost like he knew somehow that I very well may go insane laying here alone.

"Because I love your voice, especially tonight, it's so sexy" he teased.

"I don't want to hang up either." I admitted as I let out a big yawn.

"How about I stay on the line until you fall asleep?"

"What about my phone?"

"Oh, it'll eventually stop beeping"

I suppose that was true enough. I'd rather hear beeping than the screeches and screams I usually heard anyway.

"That would be nice" I exhaled deeply and it came out all shaky sounding.

"You sound so tired"

"I am" I admitted.

"How about I sing you a lullaby?"

"A real lullaby? Do you even know a _real_ lullaby or are you just going to sing me the Oscar Meyer jingle?"

"Yes, I know a real lullaby, a nice one too, but if you prefer the bologna song…" He was laughing.

"No, no I would love to hear your lullaby. It's been a long time since I have fallen asleep to one and that would be very nice." It had been too long really and it was a sad thought, but he would think I was talking about my mother even though I wasn't.

"Ok, it's about a mother wolf sleeping with her cubs in the meadow under the stars." Then he began singing, it was in Quileute and it was beautiful. I slowly drifted to sleep and was thankful that the screeches and screams did not return.

I opened my eyes and saw the phone lying on the floor and it must have stopped its beeping a long time ago. _I would have to call Jacob later and thank him_ I thought to myself. If it were anyone else but him I would be questioning them about calling at just the right time, but I've learned to just accept the unspoken language that is between us.

**A/N – Ok, I know it's a shorty, but I really wanted to keep it separate from the rest since it's pretty unrelated. Chapter 11 will pick up on the same day, which is the day she promised to hang out with Jessica and Angela.**

**My husband thinks the squirrel stuff is stupid, but what does he know? Jacob was trying to take her mind off of stuff and make her laugh and it was meant to be off the wall just like when Bella told Edward in the car that she was going to run over Tyler Crowley. **

**I thought I may get the question of "How did Jacob know to call?" so I was just going to tell everyone BUT I thought it would be more fun to offer 10 bonus points (yeah, I just made that up) to the first person who guesses correctly. ******

**Reviews are better than Jacob's lullaby…sort of.**


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer - I do not own Twilight or any of its characters**

**A/N - Once again I have to give a big thanks to all the readers/reviewers and it makes me especially happy that we have several new readers! Also, a special thanks to those who participated in my trivia question and the winner is…drum roll please…redlulu! **

****Sorry, no stalking, Charlie panicked when he heard Bella's screams and continued pleas for Edward to come back so he called Jacob to call Bella and calm her down. Aw, dads always know best.**

**This starts right where the last chapter left off and it is super long. Enjoy!**

**Chapter 11**

**Girl Time**

(Not to be confused with the first Destiny's Child group, lol! I think I watch too much Behind the Music!)

I got up late and had to race to school to make it on time. I sprinted through the classroom door with about 10 seconds to spare and received a relieved look from the math teacher and I was a bit sad that he would be terribly disappointed tomorrow when I went back to lying on my books.

Jessica and Angela didn't ask me about lunch anymore, but I knew it took all of Jessica's energy to bite her tongue. Hopefully Angela would continue to help keep her off my back.

Tuesday when I came to school Angela was here early, she even beat me there. When she saw me get out of my truck she looked so happy that I had thought for a moment that she would jump on me. She ran up to me and wrapped her arms around me in a tight hug.

"I'm so happy to see you!" she had exclaimed.

"Why?" I asked puzzled.

"Once I thought about it I thought you were going to take off and go to Baltimore and I didn't know what to do. Charlie would find out and if you happened to survived traveling across the country alone he would've probably killed us both." She was nervously rambling again.

That was an interesting idea and I had the urge to do just that before I realized that he wasn't really there.

"So, where were you then?' She had asked me with a confused look on her face and at the same time she reached out and flipped my braid with her hand, but I'm sure she didn't realize the significance of her gesture.

"I went to talk to my friend, Jake, and I didn't get home until late." Half of that was the truth and she seemed to believe it.

I jumped in my seat as the bell rung bringing me back to reality.

The rest of the day dragged on for me knowing that I would not only have my first real cheerleading practice, but I would have to go to the mall with Jessica and Angela too. It didn't help matters that I had willingly agreed to participate in both, I didn't even have anyone else to blame.

During my last class, American history, I gave my powerpoint presentation and it went really well until I was walking back to my seat and tripped over my own feet.

As we walked out of the classroom Mike reassured me that my presentation was the best one so far and he even complimented me on my poster. He said that the feather made it perfect and I had to agree, but Mike didn't seem too happy when I told him my friend, Jake, gave it to me. Mike was either extremely persistent or extremely daft and I concluded that it must be a dangerous combination of the two.

"Hey, Bella!" Jessica and Angela yelled as they ran towards me as I stood in the middle of the gym waiting for practice to start. A weak smile spread across my face as I waved at them and tried to match their enthusiasm.

"We are going to have so much fun today!" Angela squealed and I thought that she may very well jump out of her skin she was so excited.

"Yeah" continued Jessica "We're gonna do some shopping and get our hair done…" she stopped when she saw the scowl that uncontrollably took over my face. "Bella, you'll have fun. We're just going to do our hair and buy some makeup so we can look nice for tomorrow's game."

Oh yeah, the first game was tomorrow. Will this hell never end?

"Oh yeah, that's true and my hair does need a trim." I tried to sound agreeable and they nodded happily talking about lipstick and eyeliner.

This wouldn't be so bad we would hang out at the mall and I would help them pick out clothes and we'd get a bite to eat or they would use me as a guinea pig in the makeup department and try to dress me like a Barbie doll. I sighed and tried to stay with the optimistic thoughts.

Practice started and I was off in my own little corner where I couldn't really harm anyone except myself, but I was spared today. We learned a few cheers that we would be doing tomorrow and a more experienced cheerleader worked with me, at a distance, to make sure I could do the simple routine.

We changed our clothes and the girls followed me in Jessica's car to my house so I could drop off my truck.

"I'll be right back!" I shouted to them as I ran up the stairs to the front door.

As soon as I got inside I dropped my back pack on the floor and went into the kitchen to greet Charlie.

"Hey dad, did you find the lasagna I put in the refrigerator for you?"

"Yeah Bells, but you know you really don't have to do that. I mean I appreciate it and all, but I can take care of myself."

"Sure dad I know, besides I'm sure Skippy the pizza delivery boy misses you too." We smiled at each other because we both knew I was right.

"Well, I'm off to the mall with Jessica and Angela. They're waiting for me" and I gestured towards the front of the house.

"So, you're going to the mall?"

"Yeah, they want to get their hair done and stuff before the game tomorrow."

"Don't' you?"

"Sure I guess, I kinda do need a trim."

"Well, here" Charlie said as he handed me an amount of money that I would consider to be a lot.

"Dad…" I started to protest.

"Honey, just go and have fun with your friends. Go buy some school clothes and do girl stuff." He said as he motioned with his hand trying to shoo me away. I gave him a big hug, which he seemed almost comfortable with, and ran out the door.

I kind of felt bad because he had just paid a lot of money for me to do cheerleading. He paid my uniform rental and bought my windbreaker suit and matching shoes. I thought it was a ridiculous waste of money, but of course Charlie didn't mind paying for it. He had said that it's a parent's responsibility to pay for their child's extracurricular activities just like his parents had done with him. I knew he was thrilled that I was doing something 'normal'. I guess that reasoning was true enough, but I'm sure that he at least enjoyed playing football unlike me who was how should I say this 'only doing this to appease a ghost' or 'biding my time until I could quit' or 'making a futile attempt to be normal and failing miserably'.

I climbed into the backseat of Jessica's car and got ready for the long drive.

Their chattering began right away, but I didn't mind. I had the whole backseat to myself and I spread out my legs and let my head rest on the side and tried to keep up with the conversation that was going on between them. I was determined to have fun.

"So, Bella what are you going to be looking for at the mall?"

"Oh, I don't know. I need a couple pairs of jeans and I thought I would get some shirts too. Oh, and while I'm there I might as well get some lip gloss, you know for tomorrow." I don't think I owned one piece of makeup, but I wasn't going to tell them that.

They looked at me like they were waiting for me to finish although I obviously already had.

"And an outfit for the party" Jessica added while she peeked up at me in the rear view mirror.

"Party? What party?"

"Well, Mike's parents are going out of town in a few weeks and Mike is throwing a big party."

"Yeah, they just happened to be going on their hiking trip on the weekend of the big game so Mike is throwing a party that Friday night."

They explained to me that the big game wasn't homecoming, it was considered to be the game that we played against our rivals, the Eldon Pirates. The rivalry wasn't much of a rivalry anymore and both girls admitted to having friends that went to that school, but the people who were our parents' age and older still harbored ill feelings from when the Eldon football team had spray painted their mascot, Pirate Pete, on our parking lot. They said it had taken months to get the red and black pirate off of the pavement and if that wasn't bad enough they went on to beat us in regionals and they won state that year. Angela laughed as she said that almost the entire student body went to state to root on the opposing team, the Aberdeen Bobcats, although it apparently did no good. It was such a funny story that I didn't even have to fake interest as I laughed in the backseat. I made a mental note to ask Charlie about it sometime.

Talk went back to the party and I would've said that I wasn't invited, but it would have done me no good knowing that given the chance Mike would probably beg on his hands and knees for me to go. So, I used the best excuse I had.

"I don't know if my dad will let me go since he'll probably know Mike's parents are out of town. I would just hate for him to show up looking for me." I threw that last part in there for good measure and made a sad little face at them like I was truly disappointed.

"You can just make up a good excuse" Angela said in a tone that was foreign to her normally friendly voice. I knew what she was saying 'I covered for you when you lied to go to your friend's house so you can lie to come to a party with us'.

I nodded. "I can make probably make it,"

"You can bring that cute friend of yours." Jessica added. Somehow I knew she wouldn't want me around Mike.

"Well, I can ask him." I said with a smile and that really wasn't a bad idea. The party might actually be bearable with Jake there.

We got to the mall and started looking for clothes in the department store we entered in. We wandered around the junior's department and I stopped at a royal blue shirt. I was staring at it and gently stroking the sleeve with my thumb deep in thought.

"You should get it, that color would look great on you." Angela said from behind. I gave a nod because she wasn't the first person to tell me that. I didn't even know where that shirt was. I hadn't wanted to wear it, but I haven't seen it either. I couldn't really remember what I was wearing _that_ night and thought maybe that was the shirt I had lived in for over 2 weeks and it had indeed been thrown away. I took it off the rack and didn't make it far when I stopped at a green shirt, it was the same beautiful shade that I had imagined that _his_ eyes would've been while he was still human. I had almost made it to the dressing room when I saw a cute pink sweater and it made me think of all the pink flowers and candles that Alice had adorned the Cullen house the day of my birthday. Was there any color that wouldn't remind me of _them_? Apparently not.

I took my three shirts and the two pairs of jeans that I had casually grabbed off of the shelves of a big display that I had passed on my way to Jessica and Angela. They way they were choosing clothes was in total contrast to me as they intensely examined every piece of clothing they came in contact with. I told them I was going to the dressing room and they nodded and told me they would be in there in a moment.

I stepped out with one of the jeans on with the pink sweater on and was greeted by both Jessica and Angela as they walked in with a pile of clothes in each of their arms.

Angela smiled at me "That sweater is so cute!" She was nodding in approval and added "I just love that shade of pink, it reminds me of roses." I was smiling too and I was looking at the sweater in the full length mirror that was against the dressing room wall "That's exactly what it reminds me of too." I agreed. I could at least smile thinking of Alice as I still had hope that she may contact me someday.

"You know I'm just glad to see that you're getting stuff with some color in it." Jessica added and I looked up to see her reflection in the mirror. Our eyes met, but I wasn't really sure what she was talking about.

"Well, you did go a whole week with wearing nothing but gray."

Angela shot her a dirty look which got an exasperated sigh in return as Jessica walked into an empty dressing room stall. "I'm just saying I'm glad that's all." She muttered before she shut the door.

I looked at Angela "Really, a whole week?" and she gave a hesitant nod. I frowned at myself in the mirror and she gave me a gentle pat on the shoulder.

I got Angela's approval on all three shirts, but I had to get a smaller size in the jeans. I guess I had underestimated my weight loss, but she was very nice to go and get me the next smaller size while I changed.

After I was back into my jeans and put the last of the shirts on I sat in the main part of the dressing room to wait. Jessica came out in a cute dress that was black with dark purple designs on the top and then a small waistband separated it from the short bottom that was the same shade of dark purple. Since it was sleeveless she had on a small black sweater that covered her arms that the dress would have left bare.

"Oh, that looks really good on you!"

"Thanks, do you think it would be good for the party?"

"Yeah, I think it would be perfect for the party" said the girl who had worn gray for an entire week. Obviously needing a second opinion Jessica started looking around the dressing room.

"Oh, Angela will be right back." I said trying to be helpful.

"Did she forget something?" she asked while shaking her head "She always forgets something." She added in a disapproving tone as she marveled her twirling reflection in the mirror.

"No, she's just getting me a different size in the jeans I had."

"Oh" she said a little surprised, but really I think she didn't like to be corrected. "Well, I like that green shirt on you" she smiled and tried to lighten the mood just as Angela walked in with two folded pairs of jeans in her hands.

She walked passed Jessica who snatched one of them right out of her hands exclaiming "Oh, these are cute!", but I saw the sneer that quickly came over her face as she saw the size on the tag. Angela snatched them right back and gave Jessica another dirty look.

Angela agreed that the black and purple dress would be perfect for the party and after I quickly tried on the jeans I returned to my seat and gave my opinion on each of the outfits that they paraded in front of me.

We made our purchases and left the store. It was way past dinnertime and we were all eager to make it to the food court as quickly as possible, but both girls promised we would resume the search for my 'party outfit' once we finished.

_Goody_ I thought, but I remained being a good sport.

We had all decided to get Chinese food with the reasoning that there was no place in Forks to get something like this so we would seize the opportunity while we had it. I sat twirling my noodles aimlessly as I thought of Jacob. I was wondering what he was doing and if he was thinking of me. I wished I could call him right then, but I would have to settle for the moment I walked in the door.

"How are you're noodles?" Jessica asked in a suggestive way.

"Oh, they're really good" I said taking a big bite. Every time she looked at me it was as if she was fighting the urge to funnel lard down my throat.

After we left the food court we had returned to the party outfit patrol just as promised.

I wasn't given must trust to find something on my own so I didn't have to worry about looking too seriously at the overwhelming amount of clothing. This was fine with me since I really had no idea what I was looking for anyway. One thing I was sure of was that I didn't want a dress or skirt. I gave the excuse that since Jessica was wearing a dress and Angela was wearing a skirt that I just wanted a nice shirt to wear with one of my new jeans. There wasn't' too much protest and we were soon scouring the tops in a nice little clothing store.

Jessica and Angela took their job very seriously and soon they were shoving me in a fitting room with an armful of shirts. I pouted a little in the dressing room when I realized I was having a good time, but had to ruin it with thoughts of how it would have been so much better with Alice.

I quickly went through the stack of clothing and picked out my favorite so we could hurry over to the beauty salon. I chose something cute that I knew Angela had picked out. It was actually three separate pieces. It had a white lacey camisole that went under a smoky blue shirt that had a low v-neck that would insure that plenty of that lace would show and finally a beige corduroy jacket that fit snuggly, but was still comfortable went on top. I wasn't planning on buying three more things but I did like the idea of layers especially since I was always cold.

I stepped out of the dressing room and exclaimed how much I really liked this one. Angela was thrilled that I had chosen one that she had picked out and Jessica complained in a small voice that I hadn't even tried any of 'hers' on, but we both ignored her this time. They returned the other clothes to the racks while I paid for the all mighty party outfit, which wasn't really as much of an outfit as much as it was just three shirts. Then we quickly made our way over to the beauty salon.

We all three sat in a row and I listened as they explained all the layering and styling they wanted done to their hair. Jessica insisted that once her hair was cut she wanted all of the curls straightened out, something she probably didn't have the patience to do herself, and when Angela tried to point out that no one would see her straight hair tonight, Jessica argued that it would still look just as good tomorrow at school.

Then it was my turn.

"I just want a trim. Maybe an inch off the bottom to get rid of the dead ends."

"Oh c'mon Bella you should get more than that cut off." Jessica had waited until just now to try to convince me, but this was one thing I wasn't budging on.

"No, I really don't want my hair any shorter. I'm used to it this way." I've had enough change, I was sick of change and I wanted no more of it.

"Something different might be nice, Bella" Jessica tried to add in a therapeutic tone.

I just shook my head. My hair had been long most of my life and having it shorter had intrigued me when I was younger, but I liked it and I was used to it. Not only that, but Edward liked it and he used to twirl his fingers in it, still did as a matter of fact.

I wasn't really listening to them as they continued to offer arguments in favor of a shorter hairstyle. Finally the stylist who had been combing my hair looked up.

"Girls, if she doesn't want it cut then it really is her choice" she said firmly. This lady must be a mother I concluded.

I hadn't said anything and the stylist was still evaluating my hair. I was too busy thinking about _his _fingers twirling in my hair to give a confirmation of my decision.

"Have you ever had your hair colored?"

"No" wasn't that obvious I had barely had it cut.

"Well, if we cut this much" she said grabbing a substantial amount of hair that would leave me with barely enough to touch my shoulders "you could donate a very generous sized ponytail to Locks for Love". I hadn't gotten past the large sized pony tail that she still had grasped in her hand, but I faintly heard what she was saying in the background, that all of my hair would go to help make a hairpiece for a child with cancer who couldn't afford to buy one.

Her words sunk in and I realized it was just hair to me I had plenty of it, but I thought of those children that didn't have any and were already dealing with so much. My hair would grow back and then the decision seemed rather easy to make

"Ok yeah, cut it off" I said meekly. Jessica and Angela just stared at me with their mouths hanging open.

"Are you sure?" The motherly stylist asked.

"Sure, sure. It _is_ just hair after all, it will grow back." I waved my hand at them like I wasn't just getting ready to fight tooth and nail for every strand just 2 seconds ago.

We walked out of the beauty salon and they couldn't stop telling me how much they liked it. Even Jessica had seemed genuine with her compliments. It did hover around my shoulders and was layered quite nicely. Angela stood next to me flipping the bottom part of my hair with her palm, catching it, and then flipping it again.

We quickly made our way around the makeup store, I'm sure it had an actual name, but I couldn't remember it. I grabbed some lip gloss and mascara, the two things I had deemed the simplest, and made my way to the cashier. They had already had an idea of what they wanted so we were in and out fairly quick.

We were making our way across the mall to the department store where we entered and although I was leaving with a considerably lesser amount of hair than what I came in with, I did have a pretty good time, way better than I had expected.

On our way out we stopped at a smoothie place and I wasn't planning on getting anything but Jessica gave me a look like if I didn't order something she would diagnose me as anorexic herself. So, I ordered something tropical that had an umbrella sticking out of the top of the cup. I sipped it as we continued to walk and it was actually really good.

We made the long drive back home and talked about the upcoming game, Mike's party, and what we bought at the mall. We even spent several minutes talking about my hair. I didn't really know what to think about it, but whenever I felt anxious about it I remembered that some little girl that would get a hairpiece because of me.

We pulled up to the house and I said goodbye and told them what a good time I had before I ran up to the front door. I almost slid on the wet sidewalk, but caught my balance.

The door wasn't locked and I walked right in to see Charlie watching TV in the living room. He was clearly waiting up for me.

"Hey Bella, did you have fun"

"Yeah dad, I actually did." I was starting to tell him about the shirts I bought while I instinctively pulled my wet hood off my head.

"Whoa Bells, you sure did get your money's worth for that trim didn't you?"

"Oh" I was a little taken aback by his remark and I grabbed at the ends of what was left of my hair.

"No honey, it looks great, I'm just a little surprised that's all."

"Me too" I mumbled as I headed for the stairs with my backpack and shopping bags in hand.

"Wait, come here for a second" I dropped my things and sluggishly made my way to the couch and plopped down next to him.

I leaned my head against his shoulder "Yeah, dad" I said tiredly.

"Well, do _you_ like it?" he asked as he ran his hand through my hair.

"Yeah, I do. I just need to get used to it."

"Did _those _girls talk you into this?"

"No, I wanted to so I could donate my hair to make wigs for kids with cancer."

"Really?"

"Yeah dad" I answered although I don't think it was an actual question, after all why would I make something like that up. "Goodnight, dad" I said as I kissed his cheek and got up from the couch to collect my stuff off the floor.

I made my way upstairs and after I got into my room and threw my stuff on the bed I grabbed the phone to call Jacob. I didn't even pause to look at the time I was only concerned with hearing his voice before I went to bed.

He answered the phone and sounded just as happy to hear my voice as I was to hear his. I told him about the party and he was excited to go and I told him how nervous I was about tomorrow's game. He was sad that he couldn't make it since it was an away game, but promised he would come to the next one. We made plans for him to come over on Halloween to hand out candy with me and just when we were about to hang up I remembered what I had wanted to say.

"Jake?"

"Yeah"

"I just wanted to say thank you for calling me last night, well I guess I should say this morning, it's just that it meant a lot to me."

"Bella, I would be happy to sing you a lullaby every night if it made you feel better."

"Thanks, Jake." I could hear Billy in the background telling him he needed to go to bed. "Hey, I'll call you tomorrow if I don't get back from the game too late."

"Just call no matter what time it is"

"Ok" I said and we hung up.

I had deliberately omitted the part of me getting all my hair chopped off since I thought that was something easier explained in person, without words.

I took my time putting my new clothes away and setting out my windbreaker outfit that I would have to wear to school tomorrow since it was a game day. I went to the bathroom to get ready for bed and when I re-entered the room and saw my big, empty bed I felt an overwhelming sense of dread build up in me.

I turned off the lights and laid down. I tried to stay calm and breathe slowly, but it was no use. The tears started steaming down my face.

I spent my days surrounded by people who believed the lie of Edward being in a hospital somewhere out east and they were filled with hope that he would return someday soon. It was easy to give in to those thoughts and even the fake sense of hope when I was around those people, but as soon as I entered this bed, this empty bed, the truth always came crashing down on me like a ton of bricks. The truth was he wasn't in a hospital and he wasn't coming back and that this was the last place I was with him and one of the last places he was at all.

My sobs grew harder and harder until my chest and my sides ached from the heaving. I laid there curled up in a ball at the edge of my bed and I was shaking just knowing what the nightmares would have in store for me.

All of a sudden fingers started twirling in my hair and I barely had a chance to notice before _he_ began to speak.

"Bella, I didn't think it was possible, but you are even more beautiful than the last time I saw you." His fingers never stopped moving.

I lifted my head and I could feel my hair against my cheeks, the short locks hung barely past my face like a frame and no longer dangled off the side of my bed like Repunzel. I managed to smile as I choked back tears "I missed you. I missed you so much."

I continued to cry as I remembered the night before I had called his name a million times, but still he never came and I had feared that he would never come again.

"Love, I didn't think you wanted to see me again, it's just so hard for you" he said in a sad tone, but it was still a million times better than the voice I had heard in my sleep last night.

"No, it's harder not to see you at all" I said in a shake voice, he nodded, and kept twirling my hair and that's when I remembered that I had cut most of it off today, the hair that he had loved and I started to cry harder.

"What's wrong?"

"I cut all my hair off" I blubbered and I saw a crooked smile come over his face.

"I know, you look beautiful"

"Really?" I'm sure I didn't, but I was comforted anyway and my heavy eyelids began to fall.

"I love you" I whispered.

"I love you too, Bella."

-------------------------------------

After my usual morning routine of screaming my head off and sobbing until the sun comes up I grabbed my clothes and headed for the bathroom. I stood in front of the mirror for a long time staring at my hair, or lack thereof I should say. I sighed and reassured myself that it was for a good cause and that I wasn't going to dwell on it. I pulled out my rubber band to put my now short hair up in a pony tail. I marveled at the novelty that lay in my hand for a cheerleader could not wear just any old rubber band, no way, it had to be this special rubber band that was adorned with gold and blue ribbon sticking out all over the place. I sighed and grabbed my brush.

I managed, with continued brushing and a great deal of effort, to get a nice pony tail that now bobbed in the back of my head. There were some stray hairs that lay scattered on my forehead and some shorter hair, that did not make it into the pony tail, that rested on the nape of my neck. As I moved my head the ponytail, which was surrounded in an embrace of ribbons, moved accordingly in a peppy, swaying motion.

I actually looked like a cheerleader in my windbreaker outfit and white tennis shoes that had gold and blue on the sides. I didn't look in the mirror again before I left the bathroom for fear that I would not recognize the person who was looking back.

It seemed I left the house every morning in the same way. I stepped out of the door and as soon as my feet hit the pavement my body would become tense with anxiety and a sense of dread would wash over me. Sometimes I didn't even know why I got out of bed at all, but I would remind myself the few reasons I had and would reluctantly start my day.

I hopped out of the truck and painted a big, fake smile on my face. I didn't get there as early as I normally do, I suppose my pony tail wrangling had taken more time than I thought.

"Hey, Bella!" Jessica and Angela were shouting at me with the happiest looks I've seen on them yet.

"Hey!" I yelled back excitedly, I was getting much better at this.

"You're hair looks awesome!" Angela squealed as she flipped my ponytail with her palm as she had done last night.

"Thanks, I'm really starting to like it" and I really was. I guess if I was going to try to be different, to be 'normal, like Alice's note had said I could at least put forth some real effort.

We must have looked like triplets, of sorts, as we walked across the parking lot and every guy's head turned to watch us walk; now that was one thing I could not get used to.

We went our separate ways and as I was walking into the building when I heard an "ow" and groaning noise coming from behind me. I turned around to see Mike standing next to one of the steel posts that were in the doorway and rubbing his head. I chuckled to myself knowing that he had just run into it.

"Hey, Mike are you ok?"

"Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm fine." He said trying to sound ultra tough and masculine.

"Ok" I smiled and turned around to walk to class. I should've known it wouldn't be that easy.

"Wait Bella, I'll walk with you to class" He was wearing his football jersey over a white t-shirt and jeans and we both walked down the hallway looking like the perfect couple in our matching, school color attire. The only thing missing was his arm around me and that wasn't going to happen. I could just imagine how this looked to everyone else in the hallway.

He turned to look at me as we walked and he had a big smile on his face. "You look so cute. I mean your hair…wow."

"Thanks" I said and I tried not to blush too much.

The day pretty much continued like this, people giving me compliments or not recognizing me at first. It was embarrassing as hell, but after awhile it got to be not so bad to be Cheerleader Bella and it was so much easier than being Brokenhearted Bella. Well not easier in the sense that I was still putting on a show, but emotionally I'd rather be Cheerleader Bella any day, hell I'd rather be Garbage Man Bella if that was my only alternative.

I even got a compliment from Lauren although it completely lacked any sincerity, but I couldn't really pass any judgment since I was just as fake as her now.

I still ate in the office, but besides that I was being pretty social.

The school day finally ended and I said my goodbyes to Jessica and Angela in the parking lot as we went our separate ways. I had about 2 hours before I had to come back to the school to ride the bus to the game. I headed home so I could make dinner, get changed, and of course call Jake.

"Hey dad!" I said when I walked in the door. He was home a little earlier than usual since he planned on driving up to the game to see me make a fool of myself…I mean cheer at my first game.

I started making soup and sandwiches so we could eat quickly before we left. I was making the plates and putting things on the table when I realized I still had to call Jake.

"Oh, I have to call Jake before I leave. I've barely talked to him the past few days" I said with a frown.

Charlie just looked up at me smiling.

"That reminds me Bella, since I have to drive through La Push anyway I thought I would pick up Billy and Jake on my way to the game." He was smiling obviously quite pleased with himself.

"Really dad, that's awesome!" I said as I took my seat at the table. I didn't even care if I did make a fool out of myself I was glad that he was going to be there.

I ate my food quickly and ran upstairs to change. I pulled the uniform out of my bag and stared at it, just the look of it terrified me. I had faced blood thirsty vampires, loneliness, and desperation (and probably a little insanity too), but none of that compared to this stupid little uniform that stared back at me tauntingly.

I eventually I came down the stairs, ponytail bobbing all the way, and smiled back at my dad's happy face as I walked out the door with my duffle bag swung over my should. I got in my truck and made my way to the school.

I exhaled deeply _You can do this. It will be fun. _I repeated to myself.

I pulled into the back parking lot where the bus was waiting and parked next to Jessica's car. She must have just pulled in too because her and Angela were still sitting there. I got out of the car not feeling too uncomfortable since I did have my windbreaker suit on over the uniform.

They jumped out of the car greeting me with giddy excitement. I was starting to feel excited too and we were talking and laughing as the three of us boarded the bus.

________________________________________________________________________

**A/N – Ok, so I had to throw Aberdeen in there somehow as a tribute to a late, great musician who was from there. I will offer another 10 super bonus points to the person who can name said musician. Someone has to tie with redlulu before it goes to her head, lol!**

**When I was writing the part where she was talking about crying for him the night before the song Somebody's Crying by Chris Isaak popped into my head so I tried to be clever and put some of those lyrics in there. **

**I will update as soon as possible, but wanted to forewarn everyone that my classes did start this week so the next chapter will probably take me a little longer…sorry.**

**Reviews are better than being a member of the party outfit patrol…for sure!**


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N – We're picking up right where we left off. "Go Spartans!" *waves pom poms* Enjoy!**

**I love bonus points and the ones from chapter 11 go to redlulu and jamiei1979 both answered correctly with the lead singer of the band Nirvana - Kurt Cobain and since I am so generous they both get the points (although I think lulu should share, lol).**

**This is probably the longest chapter yet, so I hope that makes up for the delay in the update. :)**

**Chapter 12**

**BPOV**

After the stampede of football players wildly left the bus the cheerleaders started to exit behind them. The bus ride had actually been fun and we were still laughing and smiling from all of the joking and cheers that we had done during the trip. I knew that this wasn't my place and that I still didn't belong, not really anyway, but where did I belong? Maybe I didn't belong anywhere. Perhaps I was a square peg in a world of round holes, so maybe I was doing the right thing by _making_ myself belong somewhere. I didn't mind so much anymore trying to fit in here it was somewhere I could be to take my mind off the sorrow and guilt that consumed me. The only better place to be was with Jacob, but I feared that despite his promise, eventually he would leave too. I couldn't blame him though he would want to pursue someone who could love him back and appreciate the great person that he is. He deserved so much more than an empty shell of a person that could never give him the love he deserved in return.

I refocused my thoughts and brought the smile back to my face as I squeezed through the tight aisle and tried to keep my duffle bag on my shoulder with one hand while holding my water bottle in the other. When we stepped off the bus I was met by a warm breeze and was so glad that the weather was still cooperating. It wasn't necessarily warm, but it wasn't chilly either, it was just right and more importantly it wasn't raining. We made our way across the parking lot and into the school following the football team and as they separated and entered the boy's locker room, we turned and made our way into ours.

It didn't take long to get ready. I took off my windbreaker jacket and pants, folded them, and placed them into the duffle bag. I made my way over to the mirror with Jessica and Angela so they could put the finishing touches on their makeup and I put on my new mascara and lip gloss for the first time. Jessica fixed my ponytail, that I didn't think needed fixing, and then doused it with hairspray. It actually smelled good unlike my mother's hairspray that used to make me cough. It was comfortable in the locker room, nice and warm and surrounded by other girls wearing the same thing, but now it was time to emerge and stand in front of a large crowd of people.

I must've looked panicked because Angela wrapped her arm around me.

"It's ok, you're not going to be out there alone. We're all going to be with you." She said gently and gave me a warm smile. That was true I wasn't going to be alone, I was a part of a group now. I admit that this kind of thing wasn't really my cup of tea, but there's nothing like humiliating yourself in front of family, friends, peers, and complete strangers all the while risking the safety of yourself and those nearby to take your mind off of your dead, vampire boyfriend.

I ignored my own inner, crazy ranting and walked out with everyone else. I completely disregarded the fact from my mind that I was scantily dressed in something that in any other situation would not be deemed appropriate for me to wear in public and was possibly going to break my neck in the near future.

When I neared the bleachers I saw my dad standing there looking around. I ran up to him and gave him a hug. He smiled at me and then gave me an evaluating look.

"Hey, Bells I liked it better when you had those pants on."

"Yeah Dad, me too."

I turned to see Jacob standing in the concession line already, but when he looked up and saw me he abandoned his place in line and came running up to me, scooping me up in his arms. My dad, being the reasonable guy that he is, had already took this as his cue to leave and took Billy to find a seat in the first row of the bleachers.

Still suspended in the air with my feet dangling I rested my head on his shoulder and I could hear him sniffing my hair. "I missed you" I whispered in his ear.

"I missed you too" he said with a smile and with that everything I thought in the locker room went out the window. I knew he deserved better, but I knew I would be lost without my sunbeam.

He set me down and that's when his ever happy expression turned into shock.

"Your hair Bella! Where is it?"

"Gone." I replied as if it wasn't blatantly obvious that it was gone. "Jacob, why do you look so sad, it's just hair?"

"I know, but it was your hair and…"

"Well now it's someone else's hair." I stated matter-of-factly.

"What do you mean? Did you sell it?" What was he asking? If I had went and sold my hair on the black market or something like I would even know how to go about doing something like that.

"No, I donated it." His face eased somewhat and I had no idea why he was making such a big deal out of it. I'm glad I didn't see him right after I had it cut, before I had fully accepted it, or I probably would have started crying.

I looked up at him and pouted ever so slightly "So, you don't like me hair?" I whimpered like he had really hurt my feelings.

"Aw Bella, I'm sorry I like it, I do."

I looked up again still pouting. "So, you only like it you don't love it?" I whimpered again my face showing my fake hurt feelings.

His panicked look quickly turned into a big smile as he figured out I was only teasing him. He swooped me up again to where I was almost over his shoulder and he spun me around. I was laughing, but realized that my butt that was sticking up in the air was barely covered by what the Cheerleading Association passed off as being a skirt. I wasn't too alarmed knowing that I had the bottoms on that go under the skirt, but all the same I really didn't think my father would think much of the display. Only crazy, cheerleader Bella wouldn't care about flashing her bottom to a crowd of people.

"Jacob, I'm wearing a skirt…" that's all I had to say before he put me down. I'm not sure how many times he spun me, but I didn't even need to be dizzy to fall down so this was not helping. Everything whirled around me and I started to fall backwards, but before Jacob had the chance to move I was caught in someone's arms.

"You should be more careful" I heard the voice behind me say.

"Oh yes, I guess so" I responded and looked up to see Mike's face smiling down at me with his arms still wrapped around my waist.

"I wasn't talking about you, Bella" he said as his smile faded and he shot a look of warning to Jake.

"Oh" I said trying to break up the animosity in the air as I pulled away from Mike's arms and took a neutral spot in the middle of the two boys. "Mike, this is my friend Jacob and Jacob this is my friend Mike." They nodded at each other, but neither made an attempt to crossover the space I was standing in to shake hands.

Mike looked back at me taking a step closer "Well, good luck with your first time cheering"

"Thanks" I said and he just smiled at me and bounced my ponytail in his hand much like Angela did. "I just can't get over your hair, I love it." And then he returned to where the rest of the team was waiting.

I turned back around to Jake "See, some people love my hair" I said laughing, but his angry expression did not change.

I put my hand on his shoulder "What's wrong?" he looked down sadly.

"I wanted to wish you good luck and he did it first" he sounded like a petulant child.

"Well, how about a good luck kiss then?" his eyes lit up and I pointed to my cheek which didn't even dampen his excitement. His warm lips touched my cheek and it felt like it had heated my whole face. The place where his lips had touched tingled and my face was covered in the deepest shade of pink possible.

"I'll see you later" I said as I ran to join the other girls who were warming up on the track in between the bleachers and the football field. I was still blushing when I turned around to see Jake returning to the concession line before turning around and giving me a smile. I waved and kept running only stumbling once. I sat down next to Jessica and Angela and began stretching with them.

"So, what was all that about?" Jessica asked in an accusatory tone.

I shrugged my shoulders not feeling like giving her an explanation.

"So, that's Jacob?" Angela asked with a big smile on her face.

"Yep, that's him" I said as I switched legs and continued stretching.

"Wow, I didn't realize what a super hunk your friend was" she laughed and poked at my arm.

"Yeah, he really has grown up hasn't he? Well, since the last time I saw him anyway." Jessica said in a somewhat friendly tone.

"Yeah, don't let looks deceive you. He's just a big baby." I said as I looked up and met his gaze. I stuck my tongue out at him and he returned the gesture before turning his attention back to the foot long chili dog in his hands. I just shook my head and leaned back down to continue my stretching.

The first half of the game went by relatively quick and I had yet to fall on my face.

I went to fill up my water bottle and I saw Jacob leave his seat to join me.

"Hey, can I get my picture now or later?" he asked with a big smile.

"Well, a promise is a promise. Shoot away." I stopped before reaching the drinking fountain and smiled right before the flash went off.

"Hey guys, I'll take one of you together!" Angela exclaimed as she came walking up behind Jake. He handed over his camera and quickly joined me at my side with his usual big smile on his face. She took the picture but frowned. Maybe you should pick her up again, it would be easier to get both of you in the picture she teased, but Jake needed no further prompting and he immediately had me cradled in his arms.

I almost missed it, but I saw Jake wink at Angela and before I knew it that warm sensation was back on my cheek and Angela snapped another picture.

When I returned to the ground I introduced Angela and Jacob and he thanked her profusely for taking the pictures, but she was obviously happy to do it as she grinned from ear to ear.

We got in line at the drinking fountain to refill our water bottles and Jacob stood next to us. They were talking about what had been going on with the game and I mostly listened and nodded. Most of my thoughts had been concentrated on not falling so I had missed most of the game, but I knew we were only up by a few points. Jake assured us that a team with such good cheerleaders would surely win.

Angela went towards the school and I followed Jake back to his seat so I could sit with them before half time was over. I sat in between Jake and my dad while Jake finished eating his giant pretzel and my dad was telling me how great I was doing which translated to 'good job not falling on your face'. He continued talking and went on to say that he spoke with Missy who had agreed that it would be alright if I rode home with him so we could stop and get some pizza as a type of celebration. He pointed out that it had been awhile since we had eaten since we had an early dinner with the exception of Jacob of course.

The game had finally ended with us winning and all of the girls were so excited, they were smiling and chattering away as we were putting our pants and jackets back on.

"So are you ready for the long trip back?" Jessica asked.

"Oh, my dad wanted to get something to eat so he asked Missy if it was ok that I rode back with him" although I'm sure he didn't expect the cheerleading coach to tell the chief of police he couldn't take his own child.

"And Jake and his dad are going too?"

"Well yeah, they all rode together."

"Do you spend a lot of time with him?"

"Jessica" I said in a scolding tone, I had already gone over this with her as did Angela who, unfortunately, was talking with Cassidy about something cheerleading related.

"No, I get what you said about how _you _feel and I'm sorry I upset you the other day, but I'm talking about how _he_ feels and it is very different from how you feel."

"Jessica, I've already had a talk with him about it and we're on the same page." At least I think we are, but she just shook her head.

"Talk shmalk, that doesn't change how someone feels and that boy is head over heels for you. C'mon friends don't kiss on the cheek like that."

"Sure they do!" I protested.

"Yeah, in Europe" She said as she rolled her eyes and shoved her things into her duffel bag.

"Whatever, Alice kissed me on the cheek all the time and she isn't European". I mumbled under my breath and walked to the gate where everyone was waiting for me.

I was walking next to Jacob and my dad was right in front of us pushing Billy through the gravel to the car. Jacob reached out for my bag.

"I'm perfectly capable of carrying my own bag"

"Duh, you've been doing it all day, but that's not the point." He gave me an annoyed look like 'come on and let me be nice'.

"Thank you" I said with an exaggerated smile that said 'I hate chivalry but I'm obliging your manners'.

He smiled back and took the bag. "Now, that wasn't so hard was it?"

"Eh, a little" I said as I shrugged my shoulders. He nudged me and made me stumble.

"Hey, I do enough of that on my own!" I teased him.

"I guess I forgot who I was dealing with, I could have taken out half of the people in this parking lot!" I couldn't help, but to laugh with him even if it was at my own expense, it was all in good fun.

Once we were all in the car we waited for our turn to pull out in the chaos of traffic.

"It's much better having company in the back of a police car." he said seriously "I felt like the lone gunman all the way here" he said in a fake sad voice. "And now…"

"Bonnie and Clyde!" we both said in unison. We were laughing hysterically and Charlie and Billy were shaking their heads at us.

"Like you two behave any better." I teased. Jacob agreed wholeheartedly and we were all laughing by the time we pulled into the pizza place's parking lot.

We sat in a booth against the wall and ordered two large pizzas. There was a train that went around the entire restaurant that brings your drinks to you. Jake had managed to convince the waitress to put the refills and the breadsticks on the train just for him. I shook my head as I watched his face light up at the sight of the train coming around the corner. I kind of felt bad for calling Jake a big baby earlier because he wasn't. It just didn't take much to make him happy and I loved that about him. I hated fancy things with all the bells and whistles, I appreciated the simplicity in things just like Jake did.

"So Bells, I've been thinking."

"Yeah, dad." Who knows what he's been thinking now.

"Well, I realized with you being at cheerleading practice and riding the bus and going to away games and stuff that you really need a cell phone."

"Dad, I really don't think it's necessary…" There have been times that I wished I had one, but overall it just seemed like a waste of money to me. I mean people did manage to survive before cell phones so I'm sure that I could manage.

"Nope, it's already planned. We're going to the Northgate Mall tomorrow to get you one." I couldn't help it I started whining.

"Dad…", but he interrupted me.

"Jake can go with us." He offered in an attempt to calm me down.

Jake looked up in mid bite, smiled, and nodded his head. Billy didn't seem to mind either. So, I wobbled my head in a half nod half shake type thing. He knew I'd have a good time if Jacob went, he got me.

It was a good thing we ordered two larges because Jacob ate almost the entire supreme pizza by himself. When we finished eating Jacob dragged me to the pinball machine and I stood at the side to watch him play.

"Hey, you can't just stand over there and watch"

"Well, what do you want me to do, Cheer you on?" He hesitated like he thought that was a good idea, but then shook his head.

"No, we're a team, you know Bonnie and Clyde, so you take the right flipper and I'll do the left."

I'm no pinball expert, but I'd say we did pretty well. The lights flashed a few times and we even got a free ball. After several games we were ready to go.

I was standing at the front counter as we paid the bill and I noticed they had little trains with their name on the side "Pizza Depot" for sale. When they were walking out I told them I had to go to the bathroom and ran back to the counter to buy Jacob one, I knew he would like it as much as I liked my sea shell. I shoved it in my pocket and ran to the car.

It was pretty late and I was exhausted. I stared out the window at the full moon and then I felt a warm hand grab mine and I smiled, but never took my eyes off the moon. I started to nod off and Jacob pulled me towards him and I eventually gave up and let my head rest on his shoulder and fell asleep.

**JPOV**

Bella seemed so peaceful sleeping against me and I hated imagining her screaming like that one day. I shivered remembering the way those screams sounded. We pulled into my driveway and I knew I would have to gently lie her down on the car seat and I hoped I wouldn't wake her.

"You know Billy, since we're leaving early tomorrow I don't see why Jacob can't just stay the night and sleep on the couch." I would've liked to think that he trusted me, which I suppose he would have to somewhat to have me spend the night, but I knew that Bella at night terrified him. Hell, it terrified me too, but I could at least get her to calm down.

We had already spent the night together once, not that I would admit that to our dad's, but I never imagined I would be sleeping on Bella's couch. My dad had no problem with letting me go and I tried not to smile like a fool while they were looking at me.

I still had to lie her down so I could help my dad into the house and grab a few things to bring with me so I could resemble clean tomorrow.

I got back to the car and just stood there in between the two doors torn on which one to choose. I could sit in the front or the back. Did he want me to sit in front with him? Did he even care?

"Go ahead and sit in the back" good that's where I wanted to sit anyway. I opened the door and threw my bag on the floor before I lifted Bella up and slid into the seat next to her. I let her head rest against my shoulder again and she never even stirred. She had a big day today and I'm sure she was worn-out.

About 15 minutes later we pulled up to their house. I looped the handles of my bag onto my wrists and then lifted Bella out of the car. I followed Charlie into the house and he pointed the way up to her room. I carried her up the stairs and laid her in the bed. I took off her shoes and threw them in the corner and couldn't help, but feel sorry for her knowing how much she hated sleeping in that bed. My father had told me about the two and half weeks that she spent in it and I would have hated it too.

I grabbed a blanket that hung over the back of the rocking chair and covered her with it. Her room was very tidy, but I didn't really expect anything else from my responsible Bella. I watched her sleep for a short moment before I turned around to leave, but I stopped when I saw the pictures and the shell on the desk. I smiled knowing that those things meant something to her the same as they did for me. I turned back around to look at her again before I left the room and I reached out to brush some hairs off her forehead, but my hand continued until it reached the tiny ponytail that sat high on her head. I couldn't believe she cut her hair and I was shocked when I first saw her. It was just seeing Bella in the cheerleader uniform and all her beautiful hair was gone, it was like she was changing into someone else, but it didn't take long to realize she was still the same Bella. I don't think anything could change that. Well, _he_ had changed her a lot…for the worse and I hated him for it. I would hate anything that hurt Bella, but it was so much more than that. He didn't hurt her, he killed a part of her, a beautiful part and I could only hope that with time that part of her would come back.

I whispered sweet dreams into her ear and turned off the light before I shut the door behind me. Oh, please have sweet dreams I begged silently.

I still had my bag on my wrist so I changed in the bathroom before I went back downstairs. Charlie was putting a blanket and a pillow on the couch when I walked into the room.

"Thanks"

"No, problem, but it won't be that comfortable" he said with a laugh.

"It'll be fine. But, thanks for inviting me tomorrow and letting me stay tonight."

"Well Jake, I knew if you were going tomorrow she'd throw less of a fit over the phone and tonight…was purely selfish." He shrugged a little and went up the stairs saying goodnight as he walked.

I already knew that was one of his reasons because of what happened a few nights ago when he called me in the middle of the night. I could hear the desperation in his voice as he begged me to call her. He didn't know what else to do she had been screaming for a long time. He said they were some of the worst screams yet, they were different than the others, and I couldn't imagine a scream worse than the one I heard that day in my bed, but then she did something she hadn't done before, she laid there for over an hour begging him to come back. How could I not hate the person that did that to her? I didn't care what excuse he had because as far as I was concerned there was no excuse. If I was lucky enough to be Bella's boyfriend there wouldn't be anything that I would let stand between us, not even death itself could keep me from her.

Charlie had turned of all the lights on his way to bed and I was lying there in the dark. I looked up to the ceiling, even though I couldn't really see it, and smiled knowing that Bella was up there. I rolled over and fell asleep.

I jumped up and didn't even have to think about it before I was already halfway up the stairs and luckily didn't fall as I made my way in the dark. When I ran into the room she was still screaming.

**BPOV**

The sounds still filled my head as the voices came although they seemed to gradually say a little bit more I didn't much notice as that was when I would start screaming. I looked around and I was confused I didn't even remember going to bed. I was still screaming when my door swung open and I was shocked because Charlie never came in my room especially when I was screaming, but in a split second I was wrapped in warm arms and my head rested in a familiar way.

I wasn't screaming anymore, but I was quite concerned since apparently I was blacking out and now I wasn't only having hallucinations of Edward but also Jacob.

"Shh, you're ok." He said as gently stroked my hair. I was pretty sure if he wasn't really there I would fall on the floor, but what did I know I was the crazy person.

"Jake?"

"Yeah, I'm sorry did I scare you?"

"No, are you really here?"

"Yeah Bella" he said with a laugh "Charlie said since we're leaving early tomorrow I could sleep on the couch" Wow, that's was a big surprise on Charlie's part.

"Plus you were on scream patrol?" I knew my dad wouldn't come near me when I was screaming, but that didn't mean he liked it.

"Unofficially, but I think he knew I wouldn't let you scream." I nodded and scooted over so he would have more room.

"Did you put me in my bed?"

"Yep, even covered you with a blanket" he added with a laugh.

I looked down and pulled the blankets from the bed back and crawled underneath them and held them up for Jacob to crawl under too.

"I have to go back downstairs" he stated seriously.

"I know, but just until I fall asleep" I said in an innocent voice and I knew he couldn't deny me.

He crawled under and I realized I still had my jacket on. I dug into my pocket and pulled out the little train. I found his hand under the blankets and held it in mine for a brief moment before pulling it away and leaving the train in his hand. He pulled his hand out from under the blanket and held it in front of his face. The street lamp shone enough light in the room that he could see the little train that sat on his palm.

"Oh Bella, it's a little, drink train!"

"I knew you would like it."

"I do" he leaned towards me and hugged me and then kissed me on the cheek. He paused dangerously close to my mouth and I froze. He quickly rolled over and set the train on the night stand.

"I'm going to go change, I'll be right back." I jumped out of the bed and grabbed some pajamas before I went to the bathroom.

On my way back to the room I froze in the middle of the hallway. It was déjà vu and I didn't like it. I had done this what seemed like hundreds of times while _he _waited for me in my bed. I shook my head and told myself this was different…everything was different now.

I crawled back into bed and thought about the near kiss, that was the second time, and Jessica's words came running through my head.

"Jake, maybe you should go back downstairs."

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable. I wouldn't have really tried to…"

"I know Jake it's just I think…well, I'm not sure what I think, but I don't want to hurt you."

"Bella, I know. I'm just here because you had a nightmare and I want to help you fall back asleep. Come here and I'll sing you your lullaby" he reached out his arms and I froze at the words _it's not the same_ I told myself.

I moved closer to him and he wrapped his arms around me and I put my head on his arm. He sang the song quietly in my ear. It was way better in person than it was on the phone and I was picturing the wolf and her cubs lying in the grass as my eyes closed.

I woke up to the sun shining on my face and I realized that the curtains were still open. I rolled over and was glad to see that Jacob and returned to the couch or perhaps I was truly crazy and he was never here. Neither one of those would surprise me. Lucky for me it wasn't the latter because when I walked down the stairs I could see him sleeping on the couch. Poor Jake he got woke up by my screams and stayed awake until I fell back asleep. I walked as quietly as I could into the kitchen trying not to wake him.

I started making pancakes with bacon and eggs. I knew Jacob could eat a lot so I tried to make as much as possible.

"Hey, that smells good"

"Oh, good morning Jake"

"Well, it is now." He said smiling at me. _I'll just take that as a compliment to the food_ I told myself and then a saying about a river in Egypt crept into my mind.

I started putting the food on the table and Jake helped me by grabbing the plates and silverware. I put the juice and the syrup on the table and sat next to Jake. I went ahead and poured juice in all three glasses knowing that my dad couldn't possibly sleep in too late with a boy in the house with his daughter.

We sat and ate and talked about different stuff. We talked about school, and Halloween that was next week, and of course the fun we would have at the mall. Last time I went to the mall I had left without most of my hair, but I wouldn't mention that in front of Jacob since he didn't have the best reaction to it.

My dad came down when we were finishing up and I made him a plate and cleared what I could from the table before I ran upstairs to take a shower.

Once everyone was dressed we piled into the car and headed to Seattle. I sat in the back of the cruiser and was really getting tired of feeling like a juvenile delinquent and wished that my dad had a normal car. Oh well, at least I was in good company…with my Clyde. I turned towards him and smiled which he instantly returned.

We walked into the mall and went straight to the cell phone kiosk. We followed my dad since he seemed to know right where he was going. Jake and I walked around looking at all the phones.

"Ooh, look Bells" He held up a hot pink phone.

"It's pink" yeah you can call me Captain Obvious, but it was the only comment I had about that phone. He just nodded at me like 'duh'.

"How about something small and maybe black?" I was looking for the plainest phone they had. If I was going to be forced into getting a phone I would at least get the cheapest one.

"Look at this pink one."

"Yeah dad, I already saw it. How about this one" I don't know why everyone thought I wanted a bright, pink phone, but I held up the smallest black phone they had and it may have very well been the cheapest one too.

"Bella, that thing is tiny. You'd probably lose it before we even left the mall." That was probably true so, we eventually made a compromise and I got an average looking and priced phone.

When we were finished activating my phone my dad went to the sporting goods store to look at fishing equipment. We split up and went our separate ways as Jake and I were released into the mall for the next hour before we were to meet my dad at the food court.

We went to the music store and looked at various CD's and movies making comments about our favorite songs and quoting lines from different movies. We left the music store and walked down the walkway and turned the corner and that's when I saw the bookstore.

"Do you mind if we go in?" I was the way in bookstores that most girls were in clothing stores. It got to the point that my mother wouldn't even go in with me anymore knowing that it would be forever before I wanted to leave, but I would only browse today.

"No, it's fine" he said smiling down at me. I could probably get him to go into the Hello Kitty store with me without so much as a single protest. Lucky for him I preferred the bookstore. I looked at some new releases and what was on the bestseller's shelf at the front, but I didn't let myself go towards the back where the good books were. I walked around the shelves gently stroking my fingers on the spines of random books before forcing myself to leave.

When we were walking out of the bookstore Jacob grabbed my hand and I held it back without hesitation.

"Ooh, look." But I didn't have a chance to look before I was being pulled to the other side of the mall much like I had been pulled down the sidewalk to the photo booth that one day and then the pulling stopped and I stumbled to a standstill. We stood in front of a very brightly colored store that had every imaginable type of candy possible.

We decided to fill a big bag with a little of almost every kind of Jelly Bellies they had. After we paid and left the store we sat on a bench next to the water fountain and took two of the same jelly bean out and tried to guess what kind it was first. Our game had gotten pretty difficult since we couldn't remember half of what we had poured into the bag so we resorted to throwing them in each other's mouths. I threw one and missed horribly with it landing in the fountain. I looked up to be met with a displeased look from a large, surly security guard. I leaned over the side of the fountain, hoping I wouldn't fall in, and fished it out. After I threw it in the trash can we decided to end our game of jelly bean throwing and made our way to the food court. I didn't stop to take notice of the security guard, but assumed he would be pleased that he didn't have to intercede. He probably dealt with enough rowdy, belligerent teenagers to even give us a second thought. _Some Bonnie and Clyde we were_ I thought as I smiled to myself.

We were only in the food court for a moment before we saw my dad walk in with a shopping bag of several fishing items that served purposes that I probably wouldn't even be able to guess.

We sat and ate tacos before we made our way back across the mall to leave.

Jake and I were sitting in the back of the car again while my dad made his way around the crowded parking lot. We were looking out the window as one of the security trucks with the flashing light on top drove by. We watched it drive past and I saw the big, surly security guard stare at us with his mouth hanging open and we both started cracking up. My dad had no idea what was going on, but he didn't even make an attempt to understand half of the things that made us laugh anymore. That security guard must have been so confused wondering what the heck we did to land in the back of a police car.

We were almost home when I started wondering if he would have me take Jake home right after we got home.

"You know Dad I'm making pot roast for dinner and there's always plenty maybe Jake can stay." Jake looked over and smiled at me. I think he was just as happy with the pot roast as he was about having dinner with me.

"Sure Bella, we'll call Billy when we get home"

"When we get home? Pssh, I have a cell phone now we can just call him from the car." That was the point of having a cell phone right? So, I could call whoever I wanted no matter where I was. Like the people who walked around the grocery store letting everyone hear the personal business.

I took my phone out and hesitated before I handed it to Jacob. I was getting ready to pull out the trump card and I didn't know if I really wanted to do it. Yes I did.

"Dad, can he stay one more night. I just sleep so much better knowing that he's downstairs." He knew that Jake came in my room and calmed me down last night and I also knew that it was something that he wished he could do.

"Fine Bells, he can ask his dad, but it's not something we're making a habit out of."

"Sure, Sure." I handed over the phone and he gave me a look like 'you sly dog'.

Billy didn't mind and I could hear him chuckle, probably wondering if my father had lost his mind. We got home and I started to get dinner ready, but we were out of a few things so Jake and I went to the store. While we were there we got several big bags of candy for Halloween. I didn't know how many kids we would get, but I know back in Phoenix we would get a lot. I wasn't worried about leftovers because I knew they would find a good home with Jake. We rented a couple of movies on our way back to the house and when we unloaded the bags from the truck Jacob took the heavier bags and I took the lighter ones and then we walked together into the house. It was a weird rhythm we had but we had fell into it naturally.

Jacob was rinsing vegetables and putting them on the cutting board for me to chop. As I listened to the repetitive sound of the knife coming down on the board I was thinking about what Jessica had said again. I knew how I felt and I knew how Jake felt, but maybe that could change, people's feelings change all the time, but I didn't know if mine would ever change and I didn't just mean the feelings I had for Jacob.

I shook my head and tried to focus on what I was doing so I wouldn't chop one of my fingers off. At least no one would be tempted to eat me if I did and that was just too much. I ran to the bathroom with tears in my eyes and came back down when I had calmed down. Jake was sitting at the table and looked up with a concerned expression on his face when I walked back into the room. I mumbled something about onions and went back to cutting the carrots. I looked around and we didn't even have any onions. He never said anything about it though and he just stood next to me peeling potatoes and setting them down for me to cut. I had gotten everything into the oven and we sat at the table trying to think of something to do. We had the movies, but wanted to watch them tonight or during the day tomorrow.

"We could take a walk" he offered, but I shook my head. There was no way I wanted to go into that forest. My dad came walking through the house with a rake in his hand and said "You guys could rake" he didn't even look at us he just interjected his comment when he overheard us and kept on walking.

"We'll rake, dad" I wouldn't mind going outside in the nice fall weather and Jake agreed.

"What? I was kidding and I'm not staying in here with the pot roast." He said it like it was some kind of monster or something.

"Dad, no one has to stay in, it's not like the pot roast is going to do anything. I'll just come in a few minutes before the timer is set to go off," I got up and grabbed the rake out of his hand and turned to Jake.

"Let's go find another rake. I know we have one around here somewhere."

Charlie found the other rake and we went out to the front and started making a big pile of leaves. We were making our way around the yard and every once in awhile one of us would try to steal leaves away from the other until our rakes got tangled together. We were laughing and raking and I wasn't even looking up as we moved along. Then I noticed that we were at the side of the house and I froze. Jacob came along next to me and just did what he normally does. He grabbed my hand and led me along with him as he approached the corner of the house. I dug my heels in the ground and struggled to get away. I could not make it past to the side of the house and I instinctively shut my eyes in preparation. As soon as Jake realized I was pulling away from him he let go, but that just sent me flying backwards and onto the ground. My heart was pounding frantically and I was out of breath. The thought of being over there had sent me into a panic and I sprung to my feet and ran into the house. I didn't stop until I was up in my room. I sat on my bed for a moment and collected myself. I peered out of my window at Jacob and he looked sad sitting in the middle of the yard all by himself.

I looked around for an excuse, not thinking the onion thing would work again well, not that it worked the first time. I ran downstairs and checked the timer I still had 20 minutes and then I saw the camera sitting on the counter. My dad must have had it at the game, I grabbed it and ran outside.

Jacob looked up at me when I walked outside and he looked like he felt bad. How could I tell him that it wasn't his fault at all?

I sat next to him and we were silent for awhile until he started talking.

"Bella, I'm sorry. I know there are things that you haven't told me, but when you're ready I'm here for you."

I leaned over and laid my head on his shoulder and exhaled deeply. I knew I could never tell him the truth, but I wanted to.

"We only have 15 minutes if we want to have a pile big enough to jump in." He pointed to the opposite side of the house and I saw a huge pile of leaves. I looked around and he had finished the whole front yard by himself. I know what kind of look I had on my face because he quickly responded.

"Bella, it was already almost done." He stood up, took my hand, and pulled me up. We ran over to the leaf pile, turned around, and fell backwards into the leaf pile laughing. I remembered the camera in my hand and I held it out and took a picture of us lying side by side in the leaves.

We were careful not to mess up the pile too bad, but we raked the runaway leaves back into the pile before we went in to check on dinner.

We didn't talk much through dinner, but Charlie would look up and give us weird looks. Well, Jacob didn't notice, but I did and it looked like he was envisioning our wedding or something.

I cleared the table and started the dishes. Jacob insisted on helping to dry as I washed them and since it got us finished sooner I let him.

Charlie went out to finish the raking, he said he appreciated what we had done, and we plopped down on the couch to watch one of our movies.

I was steering clear of the romantic movies so I picked out an action movie that I knew Jacob would like. It was called Fireball II and I had never heard of it, but Jake was excited about it telling me that it was supposed to be even better than the first Fireball. After watching it for 15 minutes I figured out that better meant more explosions. The movie lived up to its name and most of the structures and machinery and even some of the people turned into flaming balls of fire. I was just glad there was no love story or kissing_, bring on the flames _I thought.

The movie was ending and my dad had went upstairs to take a shower after he finished the raking.

Then I started to think about some of the homework I had. Oh no, Jacob probably had homework too.

"Oh Jake, do have homework that you should be doing?"

"No, I had to finish it before we went to the game yesterday." I gave him a look like I wasn't sure if I believed that or not.

"Seriously, I got it all finished."

"Ok well, do you want to sit with me while I do mine? You don't have to." Not that there was much of anything else he could do, maybe watch TV until my dad would come back to claim the couch.

"Sure, what do you have to do?"

"Some math" truth was I didn't pay much attention during first hour, I guess I was still rattled by the nightmare that early in the morning so I did have some catching up to do.

My dad peeked in on us in my room on his way down to the TV. I left the door wide open and he acted like he had something to say when I know he really just wanted to check in on us. He saw me at the desk and Jacob on my bed looking at my photo album that he found on the floor and went downstairs obviously satisfied that we weren't doing anything inappropriate.

I wasn't paying him much attention as I concentrated on my math. I finished and turned around to see a frowning Jacob still looking at my photo album. I looked over his shoulder and hoped it wasn't on the page with _his_ pictures on it. I gasped because it was but they weren't there. I snatched the book out of his hands and started flipping through the pages wildly like somehow they would've moved or something. They were obviously gone and I felt the burning in my chest when I tried to figure out what happened. Did Alice take them? She did say I should have a fresh start, but why would she take my stuff or Edward could have taken them that night he was here, but again what would the point be? I hadn't planned on looking at the pictures because I knew how much it would hurt, but it was nice to know I had that reminder of him that I could look at if I wanted to and now I had nothing. I threw the book across the room and it hit the wall with a thud.

"Everything ok up there kids?"

"Yeah, I just dropped something!" Jacob yelled back and then looked at me. I had tears in my eyes and I collapsed in his arms.

"You didn't know they were gone" I shook my head even though it wasn't much of a question.

_They're just pictures, just pictures_ I told myself.

"It's fine they were just stupid pictures." I said and waved my hand in a non-convincing way. I told myself I would figure it out later and that I wasn't going to cry all night on the last night Jacob was here.

My dad came upstairs and we moved apart on the bed and I went to pick up the book Jacob 'dropped'.

"I'm going to bed." My dad called as he went into his room and since I'm fluent in Dad that translates to 'The couch is free now, so you can get out of my daughter's bedroom'.

After we were changed into our pajamas we went down to the living room and watched TV. After awhile I was getting pretty tired and I could barely keep my eyes open.

"Ok well, I'm going to bed before you have to carry me up there again" I said with a smile. He gave me a hug and I made my way up the stairs leisurely taking each step knowing that it led me that much further away from Jake.

I laid in my bed that I still hated, but I didn't feel as alone as I usually did. I was so tired and I smiled knowing that Jake was down stairs. I was picturing him with his legs overflowing from the couch as I drifted off to sleep.

I told myself I wouldn't have the nightmare tonight, but it didn't work. My hands went over my mouth as soon as I heard the horrible sound that was escaping from it. I was hoping that no one heard it as the tears fell on my hands that were still on my mouth. Just then I felt the warm arms around me and I couldn't help, but to relax.

He leaned back with me in his arms until we were both laying down and I could hear my lullaby in my ear. Nothing else was said and the song filled my head until I fell back asleep picturing the same wolves I did every time I heard the song. There was the mother wolf who was lying in the grass with a little, brown wolf cub laying near her and off to the side curled up together were two bigger wolf cubs that were an identical shade of gray.

I woke up instantly startled when I discovered I was alone, but I headed down the stairs quietly to see if Jacob was still sleeping. From the top of the stairs I saw him and my dad sitting at the kitchen table. My dad had a coffee cup in his hand but I wasn't sure if Jacob did.

"You know, I didn't even hear her scream last night." My dad said and Jake just shrugged his shoulders. I knew that my dad knew I screamed my head off every night, I was pretty sure the whole street knew, but hearing him say it just made me feel bad.

I made loud stomping sounds on the stairs before they could say anything else and announced "good morning!" when I got about halfway down.

They had already eaten cereal, I saw the bowls in the sink, so I decided I would do the same. I took my bowl of frosted flakes and sat in between Jake and my dad.

"So, what are your plans for today?" I shrugged my shoulders, but when I was done chewing I decided to elaborate on my automatic, teenage response.

"We have another movie to watch and I thought maybe we could go get some pumpkins to carve." Jake smiled at me obviously liking the idea.

"That sounds good Bella. I'll bring out the Halloween decorations before I leave for Harry's if you guys want to put them up. I saw all the candy you bought yesterday and I guess I hadn't even thought about it since I usually work late that night." I nodded.

"Lots of egg throwin', pumpkin smashing deviants?"

"Like you wouldn't believe" he said with a laugh.

After he left we went to the store and picked two of the biggest pumpkins we could find and I got some pumpkin carving knives knowing that there wouldn't be any at Charlie's house. I was thinking about something when we were picking the stuff out, but I wasn't going to say anything, but then I thought _hey, what's the big deal_.

"Jake?"

"Yeah"

"Have you ever carved a pumpkin before?"

"Nope, this will be my first time." I nodded as I pushed the cart. I didn't think chopping up a perfectly good vegetable for no good reason went along with the preservation and resourcefulness he had told me about so I wasn't really surprised.

"Oh, we'll need to get candles too" I said as I tuned from the checkout to get that last item.

We got back home and it was still nice out, so we decided to carve them outside. He watched as I cut the top off and started scooping the insides into a bowl. I'm not sure who started it but soon there were slimy, pumpkin guts flying everywhere and we were both covered. After we were out of stuff to throw we sat there covered in goo and everything was quiet for awhile as we concentrated on making our pumpkin faces. Mine had oval eyes, a matching nose, and a big smile. I was finished and put the lid back on top as Jacob turned his finished pumpkin around proudly. I had to try hard not to frown when I saw the point fangs in its mouth and I told him it that it would look great on the porch. We set them on the stairs so we could hose off our hands before going into the house.

We cleaned ourselves up before settling on the couch with our lunch to watch the other movie that was about aliens. After the movie we put some decorations up in the front of the house and in the windows.

I was a little sad when I was making dinner knowing that Jacob would be going home soon after that, but we did have a great weekend and I knew he'd be back in a few days for Halloween.

After I cleaned up the kitchen we hopped in my truck and headed for Jake's house. He had thanked my dad a million times for letting him stay, but I could tell my dad was glad to have him there. It made him feel better knowing that I wasn't alone.

We pulled into the driveway and I barely had it into park before I grabbed him and buried my head into his chest. "I'm going to miss you" I sounded like a little kid on the first day of kindergarten, but I couldn't help it.

"I'm gonna miss you too, Bells, but you know you can call me if you have trouble sleeping." I liked that he said 'trouble sleeping' instead of horrifying night terrors, his way sounded much better.

"Oh, do you have my new cell phone number?" he shook his head and I wrote it down on a scrap piece of paper. "You and my dad will probably be the only ones calling me anyway" at least I would be very selective in who I gave my number because I would prefer if they were the only two that ever called me.

"Ok, I'll talk to you later" I said fighting back tears. He kissed my forehead before getting out of the truck. I just sat there and watched him walk towards the porch. He was almost there when he turned around and waved, the light from the headlights shone on him and I could see his big smile. "Goodnight, my sunbeam" I whispered as I backed out of the driveway and drove home.

**A/N – I don't know if there really is a Cheerleading Association, but if there is someone on their Skirt Approval Board is slacking, lol!**

**So, I was able to get Jessica to take her midol before this chapter, but I don't know if we'll be that lucky again. She really did put forth a great deal of effort. :)**

**There really is a pizza joint here (not the pizza depot, lol) that has a train that brings your drinks to you…and they don't put the refills on there either. Has anyone else been to a place like that? **

**I love my readers and I'm a total sucker for reviews!**

**Reviews are better than monster pot roasts…totally!**


	13. Chapter 13 TrickorTreat

**Disclaimer - Anything directly quoted from Twilight or New Moon, as well as any characters and such belong to Stephenie Meyer and not moi.**

**A/N – I think it's great that the ****Halloween**** chapter fell on chapter 13 (yeah, I am easily amused)!**

**Thanks to redulu who is my master researcher (google queen) for all my inane, daily questions that I am too lazy to look up myself. Lulu, you are a great help especially when you're not threatening me or telling me to jump off a cliff, lol! She has also been my unofficial Beta for awhile so big thanks!**

**The wonderful poem used in this chapter was written by MArmas and she was nice enough to let me borrow it. **

**Sorry it took so long to update! I had a lot of stuff going on not too mention this chapter was a bit tricky with all the stuff that goes on.**

**We are starting from the night we left off, she dropped Jake off after spending the weekend with him and now she's in bed…**

**Chapter 13**

**Trick-or-Treat**

**BPOV**

I laid there in my bed staring off into the darkness. I wasn't thinking about anything in particular because there were a million things swirling around in my head at once. I put all my worries about Jake's feelings for me and vice versa aside and concentrated on the one thing that meant everything to me…_him_. Everything else was confusing, but not my feelings for _him_, the future I wanted for us, and the way we loved each other. I winced again at the past tense, as I always did, and the tears starting flowing. I couldn't help it my mouth opened and I started begging again. It was different this time because I was no longer pleading with the hallucination I was pleading with whatever higher being would hear me and grant my request. All I wanted was one more day with _him_. The truth was I would sell my soul for one more second. The same soul that _he _felt so compelled to protect I would throw away without a moment's hesitation for any amount of time with _him_.

I fell asleep amidst my begging and pleading and awoke to my usual screams. I quickly got up without lingering in the bed to compose myself. I instead went directly to the shower and got ready for school. It was a ritual that I just fell into out of necessity, merely going through the motions for everyone else's benefit such as Charlie's,

The next few days I spent all my free time tracking down fabric and bits and pieces that I could use for my Halloween costume.

Earlier in the week I had dragged the old sewing machine that had belonged to grandma Swan down from the attic. The buzzing of the machine was calming as I pushed the fabric through one last time. It was the night before Halloween and I was finally finished with my costume. I hung the final product in my closet after admiring my handy work one last time.

I had talked to Jake all week, but had yet to call him in the middle of the night. I just couldn't bring myself to wake him up when he had to get up early for school.

The school day couldn't go by fast enough since I was going to Jake's straight from school to bring him back to the house. As soon as the bell rang I shot out the door and when Jessica and Angela, not to mention a few other girls that I couldn't name individually from the squad, called my name I acted like I couldn't hear them and never slowed my fast pace to my truck.

I pulled into Jake's driveway to see him eagerly waiting on the porch. He was looking down and seemed to be in deep concentration, but when he saw me pull in he looked up with a huge smile on his face. I jumped out and ran up to him and was caught in his waiting arms. I was instantly comforted by the warmth that was really more hot than it was warm. I guess being away for a few days made me forget how warm he really was especially since I was accustomed to ice cold. I didn't let myself dwell on that thought and after Jake put me down I looked up at him and smiled.

"Hey, nice shirt!" he was wearing a shirt that said 'This is my costume' with an arrow pointing up.

"Thanks, it's Quil's he let me borrow it. It really does describe him better, though." He said with a laugh.

Jake still had his big smile until the door behind him slammed shut and both of our heads spun around to see the three very tall, very large guys walk out. As soon as I saw the one that was leading the group off the porch I gasped and felt the pain in my chest. "That's Sam Uley" I said in a whisper not really to anyone it just came out as more of an observation. Jake looked as displeased as I was to see him, but in a different way. My face probably portrayed a shocked, hurt feeling but Jake looked extremely displeased, almost angry. It was a very foreign look for his usually smiling face.

"What's he doing here?" I asked in the same whisper as Sam and the other boys marched past us with hardly a glance.

"He's been talking to my father a lot lately. He looks at me weird and it seems like he wants to talk to me but he hasn't really tried and it just creeps me out. I hope he knows I have no intention to be a part of his _gang_."

"Gang?" I was confused as they didn't look like much of a gang and what would a gang be doing in La Push anyway?

"Yeah, Sam and the others regard themselves as some sort of vigilante group, you know protecting the tribe."

I just stared back at him shocked as to why La Push would need such a thing and wondered as to what exactly they protected against.

"It's petty stuff really like I don't know probably helping old ladies across the street and getting stuck cats out of trees, but everyone thinks they are some great 'protectors'…and so do they" he said with a huff and then imitated how they walked in an overly arrogant way. Clearly he did not think much of them.

"Well, I don't know what the big deal is, it really just sounds like they're trying to be helpful."

"Whatever I don't like it, especially now." He said quietly. I don't think he wanted to elaborate, but he did. "It's just that ever since Embry joined their _gang _he just seems to be so infatuated with Sam and now Sam is always talking to my dad. It's just weird that's all and I don't like it."

I gasped "Embry?" of course the last one that had walked by was Embry, but I didn't recognize him at the time. He was taller and his hair was shorter than the last time I saw him. I frowned a bit, but if Billy didn't seem alarmed and all they were doing was rescuing cats, or whatever, it didn't seem like anything to worry about even though Jake did seem worried. I was still frowning, but decided to get a start on what was supposed to be our fun night. I linked my arm with Jake's and gave him a big smile.

"Are we ready to go spread some cavities?" he laughed and we jumped in my truck. He seemed to be in a better mood again.

We rode to my house and I listened to Jake talk about school and how he and Quil had worked on his car the past few nights. I felt so bad, I had been consumed by my own feeling that I had forgotten all about the car that he was re-building. He explained the things that he had done to the car and the things he still needed to do and I listened intently to the names of things I had no idea about, but I was deeply engrossed with each word until he stopped and I glanced over at him.

"I'm boring you, huh?"

"No, not at all" I said with a smile.

"Oh, well I didn't think girls liked to hear about this kind of stuff"

"I don't know about other girls, but I could listen to you talk about aurora borealis and be happy" he gave me a confused look "the northern lights" I added and he nodded his head not even questioning why he would be talking about such an absurd thing. I had begun wondering why that was even the thing I chose to say and then I started thinking about Alaska. _He_ had spent a lot of time there and always spoke of the area with much reverence and I imagined that_ he_ enjoyed it there so I began thinking about taking a trip there sometime after graduation. Most of the kids my age would probably prefer to go to Europe after graduating, but as I was not like most, I wanted to go to Alaska.

"I bet it's a very beautiful sight"

"What?" I must've missed something because I had no idea what Jake was talking about as I was still caught up in my Alaska thoughts.

"The aurora borealis, I bet it would be a breathtaking sight" I nodded in agreement as it seemed our thoughts were in the same place after all, _What's new?_ I thought.

We went into the house with our backpacks in tow and Jacob began to spread his books out on the coffee table.

I ran upstairs to change into my costume and to try to do something with the hair I had left. The one time I actually wanted to do something with it and it was all gone. I threw on the dress and some ballet flats that I think Alice had given me, but I tried not to think about that as I haphazardly pinned my hair up. It was in a makeshift bun and I had pinned back some of the loose hairs that were too short to stay in the bun on their own. I put on some mascara and lip gloss thinking that I could at least wear it on Halloween. I grabbed the movie off my desk before running down to the living room where Jake sat waiting with a book on his lap in deep concentration.

He looked up when I walked in and his mouth fell open a little and he just stared for a moment.

"You're…" I didn't wait for him to answer just in case he wasn't sure.

"Juliet" and he nodded.

"You look very beautiful"

"Thanks" I looked down and blushed.

He went back to his reading and I went into the kitchen to dump the candy in a large bowl. I set it by the door and went outside to light the pumpkins that sat on the porch.

I took a seat next to Jake on the couch and started on a worksheet I had from American History. It didn't take long since it was just filling in the blanks with various dates and names and then I had a few problems for math class that were left over from what we didn't finish on the board today. I shoved the books back in my bag and zipped it up.

"Oh, I almost forgot" I ran back to the kitchen to get the movie I set on the counter and brought it back to the living room and tossed it on Jacob's lap.

"Nightmare on Elm Street" he said aloud and then gave me a questioning look.

"Yeah, it _is_ Halloween." It just wouldn't seem right if we didn't watch a scary movie while handing out candy, but he kept giving me that look.

"Oh! My nightmares aren't about this type of scary thing" my nightmares were about real scary things "this won't bother me at all" I added like I was a child trying to convince my mother I wouldn't be up all night screaming if she let me watch this. Well, I would be up all night screaming, but that had become normal for me.

I helped Jacob finish his homework but he really didn't need much help. Since my dad wasn't going to be home until late we decided to have pizza while we watched our movie. I called our order in early expecting they would be busy tonight and I turned on the porch light as we sat down to start the movie.

We had several trick-or-treaters before the pizza came. Each time the door bell rang Jacob jumped up excited and joined me at the door. I held the bowl and he handed the candy out. I could tell he enjoyed giving the kids the candy and watching their faces light up. He commented on their costumes and gave them a big smile. I loved Halloween and I enjoyed it even more watching all the fun Jacob was having.

Finally the pizza came and I gave Skippy a few chocolate bars along with his tip which made him happy.

There was nothing like watching a bloody gore fest while eating, but it didn't bother me as I leaned against Jacob and ate my pizza. The doorbell rang again and we ran to the door together.

"Angela! Oh, you're brothers look so cute" I was surprised to see Angela, but her twin brothers were so adorable. One was a cowboy and the other was a horse, but they seemed indifferent as to who was who.

"Wow, Bella your costume looks great! Where did you get it?"

"Oh, I made it."

"Really? It looks amazing. Hi, Jake!" she greeted him with a big smile, but didn't seemed surprised at all by him being here.

"Hi, Angela it's good to see you again" he responded as he gave the boys extra candy and they looked up at us like they had just won the lottery. I guess to them they had won the lottery, the candy lottery.

"Well, I better go we have a lot of houses left, but I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"Ok. Have fun boys!" I told them as they walked down the stairs

We waited at the door as a large group of kids came and went and I emptied another bag of candy into the bowl before we sat back down on the couch.

"So, you made that costume yourself?"

"No, the birds and mice did most of the work." I said in a serious tone as I took a bite of pizza. I looked up to see Jake giving me an annoyed look. "Yes, but really I just added stuff to a dress I got at the thrift shop."

He nodded and we continued to eat and watch the movie. We got up several more times and overall we had a lot of kids come by the time our movie was ending. I was getting ready to turn off the porch light when I saw three little kids walking towards the door as a mom stood waiting on the sidewalk. They stood in front of me and I just froze. Luckily Jake was there shoveling the remnants of the bowl into their bags, while I continued to stare. The little boy on the left was dressed like a vampire he was so adorable with his cape and fake teeth and the boy on the other end was dressed like a werewolf with a furry hood and gloves instead of a mask and had a huge smile on his face while he was looking at all the candy and then the little girl in the middle looked up at me and smiled her brown eyes meeting mine. She had on a beautiful, pink gown and a matching princess hat with a piece of gauzy fabric hanging out of the top and trailing down her back following her brown hair. Even after they had gotten their candy and said their thanks I still stood there with the door open watching them walk off the porch and then down the sidewalk until they were out of view. The boys never left her side and it was an unnerving sight.

When I could no longer see them I shut the door and turned off the light.

Jake didn't say anything and had went back to sit on the couch. I tossed the extra bag of candy at him and went to sit next to him. He opened it and we each took a candy bar. I was leaning against him like I usually did just enjoying being close to him. I looked up and did something I had never done before but I leaned towards him and kissed his cheek. It was so hot on my lips that I was taken aback.

"Jake you're so hot!"

"Yeah, that's what I'm told" he said with a chuckle as he shoved the entire miniature candy bar into his mouth.

"Jake, I'm serious you're hot."

"I know, I'm always warm"

"I know you're always warm, that's how I know that now you're burning up" I probably sounded like a mom the way I was reacting, but I reached up and put the back of my hand on his forehead and it was so hot. I started to worry about him.

"Jake are you sure you feel ok?"

"Well, I have been feeling a little weird tonight."

"Ok, well let's get you home."

I grabbed my keys and he grabbed his backpack. I quickly turned the lights off as we made our way out the door and walked past the flickering light of the pumpkins. I grabbed Jake's hand as we walked to the truck. I couldn't explain the way I was feeling, but I felt an urgency and a fear that I didn't understand. People got fevers all the time had I really been that hurt that I thought everyone would abandon me somehow? I didn't need to think about it to know the answer.

On the way to his house he just seemed to feel worse and worse and when we got there I walked him to the door for fear that he would pass out in the yard. Not that I would have been able to hold him up, but I could have at least prevented him from lying there all night.

I gave him a hug and kissed his cheek before I turned and walked out the door. I couldn't shake the feeling deep inside of me that I wouldn't see him again. I knew I was being irrational and although I doubted my mental stability at times I knew professional help wouldn't work if I couldn't discuss my problem in its entirety which I could do, but if I were going to be locked in a padded room it should be for a better reason than believing in vampires like being delusional I thought to myself cynically.

When I got home Charlie still wasn't back, but he had left me a message that he had to take care of some urgent business. He didn't say what was going on, but it sounded like a lot more than some TP hanging from someone's trees or some smashed pumpkins.

I cleaned our mess off of the coffee table and then headed to my room to get ready for bed. I had to fight the urge to call Jacob every 5 seconds. I knew he wasn't feeling well and I hoped he had fallen asleep. Finally, I slid into bed and I just laid there. I was still worried, but I didn't even try to think about something else because after all what else was there to think about…grief, guilt, misery? '_I'll just stick with the worry'_ I thought.

The next thing I knew I was in my dream feeling the absence of _him _the same feeling I had to live with everyday and then the horrific sounds came and went. I was listening to the voices of two people that meant the world to me, still mean the world to me, but sounded as if they belonged to strangers. I listened to the voices that still sounded musical, but in a way that it would be the saddest melody you would have ever heard, a song that would break your heart and coax a river of tears all at once. I woke up with only one scream as the only sound in my mind was _his_ voice and his words "because it's the only way" rang over and over.

I was drenched in sweat and my breathing was labored. My head shot around looking for something, but actually not looking for anything at all. I was confused and I had no idea what his words had meant. I had only heard him say "What other choice do we have?" and "because it's the only way".

I allowed my mind to go somewhere it had never gone before. I didn't know if it was the best idea, but I couldn't keep pretending, I couldn't keep holding back the thoughts or the questions. I didn't really know if I wanted the answers to these questions, but it was something I had to deal with.

I didn't know exactly where anything had happened or what happened to _him_. My chest was on fire thinking about it, but I needed to know. I knew I heard his voice after the fight and it was unrecognizable with pain so he was probably badly hurt, but his family was there by then because I heard Alice so did Victoria come back? How was he burned? I knew if he hadn't been…I couldn't even think the word again, but if _that _didn't happen then a vampire wasn't really dead. Victoria could've circled back and there could've been a second fight, maybe in the woods since Bigfoot could have his own fruit stand in those woods for all I knew because I have refused to go in there. But I knew I heard only _his_ and Alice's voice so did that mean she was there when _that_ happened? It would explain her immense guilt.

I didn't want to go looking around my house or in the woods because I didn't want to see what I would possibly find. So, I wasn't sure what normal vampire protocol was for burial, if there even was one, but I thought maybe it would be a better idea to go to their house and look around there instead. The thought of going there had crossed my mind many times, but I never seriously entertained the notion because I knew how hard it would be and honestly it scared me to death.

I began to wonder if they had left anything behind. Truth being I was still upset about my pictures being stolen and I was hoping that perhaps I could find something else that could serve as a reminder, maybe not a picture, but just something. At this point I'd probably be happy with a shoestring.

I was still contemplating all of my questions when I noticed the faint sight of the rising sun through my window and I decided to get ready for school. It was Friday morning so my exploration endeavor would have to wait.

I was tempted to give Jacob a call before school, but I was certain that he would be staying home and I wanted him to get plenty of rest without my interference.

I made my way to school my head clouded with worry for my friend and grief for my lost love, confusion and hurt swirling around the thoughts of both of them.

I made my way through the day not paying attention to much of anything or anyone. The only thing I heard today was the cancellation of tonight's football game. They would play in a torrential downpour if need be because that type of weather was customary here, but when there was a thunderstorm we had to cancel. I once read somewhere that your odds are higher of being struck by lightening than winning the lottery and it would be just my luck to be that person that gets struck.

I was standing at my locker at the end of the day and after what seemed like forever of Mike trying to persuade me in taking advantage of our day off and going out to dinner "just as friends" he finally left without me and I went into work so Mrs. Newton could still have her evening off as planned. Mr. Newton who was going to be there anyway stayed to do paperwork, but I knew he wouldn't want to leave me by myself. I busied myself with tidying up the merchandise on the floor and making a new display in the window. We were having some good weather so the store had been quite busy so my time wasn't really wasted as I made sure everything was put back in its place and new merchandise was put out.

When the bells on the door jingled I about jumped out of my skin, but turned to smile at the customer who had just walked in. He was drenched from the rain and shaking from what I thought was from being cold.

"Can I help you find something sir?" he wasn't really a sir because he was like 3 years older than me, but I made it a habit to call everyone sir or mam. I stood there smiling for moment until he finally answered.

"Um yeah, I need a new tent and well I guess a couple of new sleeping bags too." He didn't stutter but his voice was just as shaken as he was.

"All of our tents and sleeping bags are over in that corner" I pointed and he gave me a nod.

After waiting a moment of him just staring in one place I decided I should ask him if he needed any help so I walked over to him "Excuse me, did you need help with anything?"

He let out a startled gasp which made me jump too "I'm sorry I didn't mean to startle you it's just that…"

"No really that's ok, it's just that we've had a really difficult evening and we're just getting new supplies before we go to the next campground."

I know I looked thoroughly confused because I didn't know why anyone would wait so late to change campgrounds after all it had been raining for hours and I didn't know who this 'we' he was talking about was. He must have seen my confusion.

"I'm just shook up" he said looking at his hands. "My friend is in the car and well….we had a bit of a run in with some bears…huge bears."

"Bears? They should be hibernating by now." I said shaking my head.

"I know that's what we thought too, but it was like they weren't even normal bears they were just so big" he paused for a moment before he looked up "Has anyone talked about seeing huge bears?"

"No. this is the first time I've heard about it, but let me ask Mr. Newton he talks to the park rangers all the time."

He came out and talked to the poor guy and told him he would call around in the morning so that no one would get hurt and helped him make his selection. I got ready to leave and waved at them on the way out.

*****

The next morning I woke up the same as I did most every morning and decided I would get an early start on the day. I showered and got dressed before heading downstairs for a quick breakfast. I was making my way back upstairs with some toast in my hand and the cordless phone nestled between my head and shoulder.

"Hi, Billy I was just wondering how Jake was feeling. Can he talk?"

"No, he's sleeping right now, but I'll have him give you a call back,"

"Ok" I responded but I don't think he even waited for my response before he hung up. He didn't sound too worried or anything so I'm sure it was just a flu bug or something or maybe it was food poisoning that boy probably didn't look at half of what he shoveled into his mouth I thought with a laugh. I tried to find comfort in Billy's calmness, but I just couldn't shake the bad feeling I had in my gut.

I set the phone down on my desk and decided to get my homework finished so I could have the rest of the weekend free. I laughed to myself since my social calendar was so overflowing, but there was one thing I did want to do.

I pulled out my notebook since I had to write a poem for English. It went along with our lesson on Romeo and Juliet and we were also studying other works of Shakespeare. I sat at the desk pen in hand and a piece of paper in front of me and the words just flowed out. My pen was scrawling quickly across the page trying to put down the words as fast as they were coming into my head. I looked down at the completed poem feeling a little bit better to have been rid of the emotions even if not completely.

Don't Exist

My heart is splitting into pieces

Each word not spoken makes me torn

Don't speak

Don't breathe

Don't exist

My mind is racing to find answers

Like a little rat in the sewer scavenging for food

Don't think

Don't feel

Don't exist

My stomach is in knots wondering

Feeling sick just pondering why

Don't move

Don't blink

Don't exist

It's like trying to glue a shattered vase back together

It will never be the same

Distorted and cracked the scars will always show

Don't dream

Don't remember

Don't exist

I copied it on a fresh piece of paper, folded it into a neat square, and shoved it into my back pocket.

I spent the next hour walking around the house picking up various things and cleaning here and there. I was really just stalling because the truth was I was terrified to go to the Cullen's and every time I thought about it or got closer to the door the heat in my chest would ignite.

I went back up to my room and was almost completely done tidying up when I picked up the CD player from the floor to set it on the shelf. Something, I'm not sure what, compelled me to press the open button and as the lid slowly released I saw exactly what I had feared. I gasped as I saw that it was empty. The CD of my lullaby was gone and I choked back tears as I grabbed my jacket and flew down the stairs and out the door barely pausing to make sure it was locked. I got into my truck and was well on my before I actually caught my breath. That was when I started panicking again, but it was too late I saw the small opening between the trees and turned.

I inched down the driveway at what felt like a snail's pace all the while listening to the crunch of the gravel. The sound was eerie and it was as if I could feel each rock through the tires as it sent a shiver up my spine like I was actually driving over human skulls.

The surrounding trees seemed to go on forever and it felt like the path was getting narrower by the second and that eventually the trees would swallow me whole, but then they opened and there sat the house. My truck came to an abrupt stop and my breathing that was barely below hyperventilating stopped. I stared at the house that was blurry and I realized that I was crying again and wiped my eyes with my sleeve.

I just stared. It was the same house, but it was just an empty shell, like me. Dead leaves laid piled everywhere and blew in the wind like a cruel metaphor.

I walked slowly to the door ignoring the crunch under my feet. When I finally got there I wasn't surprised that the door was locked but I slumped down and just sat there with my back against the door before I worked up enough nerve to break a window.

My first thought was to kick down the door, yeah right I probably couldn't kick it down if it was already halfway open, so I went searching for something to break it with. I didn't have to go far and I picked up a brick from the landscaping around the porch and hit the middle of the window with the end of the brick which was still in my hand. I hit all the jagged edges off with it before I dropped it onto the porch and climbed in.

I made my way past the cloth covered furniture and ran up the stairs. I hesitated outside his door with my hand hovering over the doorknob and I let myself wonder if he was the last one to touch it. I then imagined he wasn't since someone probably packed his stuff or maybe they didn't. My curiosity got the best of me and I jerked the door open and my heart, what was left of it, sank. It was almost empty and I walked inside and closed the door behind me like that would seal me in and make me closer to _him_.

I waked around grazing my hand across every surface I passed until I eventually came to the couch sitting in the corner. I yanked the white sheet off in one quick movement and collapsed on the couch. I rolled over to my side so my face was against the back and I pressed my face against it while hugging my legs to my chest. I pressed my legs harder and harder against myself as it was the only thing that seemed to calm the blazing heat in my chest. I inhaled slowly over and over again just taking in his smell. I tried to imagine him the last time he was here, in this exact spot, and then I started imagining us lying here together and I had to stop before I tried to devise a plan to drag this couch home with me. That's when I remembered that I had come with a purpose so I hesitantly rose slowly from the couch and decided to go over to the desk.

I removed its sheet and it was bare underneath so I started rifling through the drawers. That's when I came across several notebooks of all different types. I grabbed them out clutching them to my chest like someone may come and swipe them out of my hands at any second and sat on the floor. I fanned them out in front of me and looked at each one. They were all different in color and size some were spiral or composition notebooks and others were actual hard bound journals. I randomly grabbed one with my shaking hands and opened it to the first page, but my brow furrowed as I began to skim through the rest of the book and it was of no use as it was all in Spanish. Of course I had taken Spanish and some other language classes, but lets face it I learned how to do useful things like ask where the bathroom is "Donde esta el bano?" and if I want cheese on something "avec fromage", but I couldn't read a whole book of anything. So, I grabbed the next one with more hope and still it was in another language. By the time I was through I had come across, I think, every romance language including Latin, Greek, German, and several Asian languages that I gave up on immediately as with those I couldn't even recognize my name as I had in the others. I was disappointed as I had hoped I would gain some insight as to how he was feeling and what he was thinking those last days. I don't know exactly what I was looking for that would make those words from my dream make sense, but really it would have just been nice to read his words…I think. I shook my head clearing the nonsense thoughts from my head.

I had run my fingers over where _he _had written as lovingly as if I were stroking _his_ actual skin before I scooped them up and put them away. The thought of getting them translated briefly crossed my mind, but then I realized how foolish that idea was "Yes, Miss Swan this says _I hate being a vampire because I want to suck my girlfriend's blood so bad_" yeah that would be a great thing.

I closed the drawer and put the cloth back over the desk and resumed my search for something a little more practical to take with me than a couch that probably weighed more than I did.

I looked in the closet and on the shelves before I moved to the drawers…all empty. I turned around in defeat to re-cover the couch before I was tempted any further to drag the thing down the stairs with me and that's when I saw it on the floor. A simple grey t-shirt next to the door, would have been behind the door if it was open. I picked it up and held it to my nose feeling relieved that it still smelled like _him_. I took off my jacket and put it on over the shirt I already had on and left the room making my way to the next stop.

I went out the back door promising myself that I would replace the window I broke. I then set off to walk around in the vast wilderness they called their back yard. I walked leisurely listening to the water in the distance and kicking random leaves that blew into my path and that's when I caught a glimpse of something glimmer in the sunlight. I ran over to it and fell to my knees brushing the leaves away in a hurried panic and then just sat there and stared.

It was a flat stone that had colored stones and glass arranged around the neatly written words that said "Defecit omne quod nasciture". Now it seems we were back to my working knowledge of a dead language that admittedly I couldn't read a book of, but I knew what that meant '_Everything that is born passes away_'. I recoiled at the words, but remembered I had my own words to leave and this spot seemed as befitting as any other, but as I reached around to my back pocket I saw something shoot through the trees. I didn't necessarily see it, but I knew someone was there although I'm sure any other human would have missed it. Then all of a sudden he was standing in front of me looking just as surprised as I'm sure I did, but the familiarity calmed me in some irrational way. I rose to my feet and began to speak.

"What are you doing here?" I managed to choke out.

"I could ask you the same thing."

"Yeah, except I live here, Laurent" he gave me a confused look so I clarified "Well, not here in this precise spot, but I do reside in this town…unlike yourself."

"Yes, well Bella I was actually here looking for you, but not at this precise time" he added mockingly. "Nor did I expect to find you so easily for that matter…" his voice trailed off as his black eyes stared at me.

I decided I would try to talk to stall him for whatever reason I didn't feel like dying today perhaps it was where I was standing, it was a bit too ironic for me.

"So, why would you be looking for me?" I was genuinely curious perhaps he was angry about Victoria's death, but I really couldn't see why.

"Well, actually Victoria sent me and you should be happy she didn't find you."

I'm sure all of the color drained out of my face. I thought the Cullens would have found her by now and if they hadn't and he was telling the truth why would she still want to kill me.

"Bella, I'm sure you didn't expect her to quit so easily" he said in a disbelieving tone.

I shrugged my shoulders "I guess I kinda thought we were even now" I said solemnly as I looked down at the quasi grave marker.

I thought I saw a look of confusion flash across his face, but it was soon replaced by a look that I could only describe as hunger. He edged closer and closer and I felt myself give up a piece of hope I didn't even know I had.

I had to look away from his menacing eyes and instead stared at the stone fixating on the ominous words. I was still looking down when I heard a noise and lifted my head hesitantly despite my better judgment. I was expecting to see Laurent lunging towards me. He had gotten awfully close, but even he was distracted by the sound and was saying something so quietly I couldn't make it out. _Great_ I thought, it's probably Mega Bear coming to try to eat me too. I mean honestly, I was beginning to feel like I was on a menu or something. Not seeing anything in the trees I looked back at Laurent who had seemed to be backing away and that's when I saw them. Four large bears walking out of the trees and speeding up to a full on run. No, they weren't bears at all, they were wolves and they rivaled the size of any bear I've ever seen and they ran at an impossible speed toward Laurent, but he took off in the opposite direction and I quickly lost sight of him. Perhaps I was starting to become desensitized because although I found this weird I tried not to question why wolves would be chasing Laurent because I was so grateful…and shocked.

One wolf lagged behind until it finally rested in a spot about 10 ft. in front of me, its fur was a rusty brown color and it stood so tall I had a delirious vision of it with a saddle on. I shook my head at such a silly thought and just kept staring at it. It just stood in front of me keeping its gaze fixed upon the forest and seemed to be listening to something that I couldn't hear. I just stood there unmoving, but I wasn't afraid and it seemed as if he was guarding me in case Laurent came back and I smiled. I actually felt safe standing behind this enormous, mutant wolf just like I did when I was with Jake. Then the wolf turned around and looked at me like if he could speak he would, but then took off into the woods. As soon as he was gone so was my feeling of safety and I ran as fast as I could back to my truck.

I barely remember the drive home and when I pulled up to my house I was so thankful that Charlie was not home yet.

I took a quick shower which seemed to calm my nerves somewhat. I put my wet hair up in a bun that was nowhere as neat as the one I did on Halloween, but I was only concerned with it being out of my face and I didn't even bother to comb or dry it. I had put my newly acquired grey shirt on with some sweat pants and slowly edged myself down the stairs thinking about everything that had happened today.

I was busy preparing dinner when I felt an enormous pain of guilt in my usually burning chest. The noble, brown wolf that had did nothing, but try to save me and did save me, but at what price since he had surely been torn to shreds.

I began to think that no one should get close to me, that I must have some sort of curse. Perhaps it was best that Jacob was ignoring my calls, but I needed him too badly to actually believe that.

I just finished putting the food on the table when I looked up and saw Charlie standing there. I hadn't even heard him come in and I was a little startled.

"Are you ok?"

"Yeah, dad I'm fine you just surprised me that's all." He nodded his head totally not buying it.

"So what did you do today?"

"Nothing" I replied as I put food on our plates.

"Where did you get that shirt?" he asked as he eyed it suspiciously.

"Store" yes tonight was my night of one word teenager answers.

We sat in silence while we ate and I was quick to finish and clean up as much as I could.

"I'm going to bed dad I'll finish cleaning this up in the morning." I started towards the steps but was quickly stopped.

"Bells, it's like 8 o'clock"

"I know. I'm just so tired. I hope I'm not coming down with what Jacob has" I added as I went up the stairs.

I tried calling him one more time before bed, but I didn't get an answer.

I crawled into bed and promised myself I wasn't going to worry about anything tonight. I wasn't going to worry about Jake ever calling me back, the poor brown wolf from the forest, the fact that two vampires were probably planning my demise, or the guilt that consumed me. Nope, not worrying tonight. I took off the t-shirt since I had a tank top on underneath and bunched the shirt up on my pillow so all I could smell was _him_ and I clutched my sea shell in my hand and drifted off to sleep.

I woke up to the sound of rain hitting against my window. I didn't even care if it was raining it was a good day to me for one I woke up which signifies that I wasn't killed in the middle of the night and second, no nightmare. The only thing that could make this day better was if Jacob was finally feeling better.

*****

It was Thursday night and tomorrow would mark the two weeks since I had last seen or spoken with Jacob. The time had gone by slow and tortuous I can't remember talking to anyone at school although I do recollect Jessica saying something like "Oh, great here we go with the grey again.", but worse than that all of my calls to Jake have been unreturned. I lie in bed trying to devise a plan to speak with him tomorrow. I was so tired, but didn't want to fall asleep yet, still fearing that I wouldn't wake up. The truth was that that may not be the worst thing – to never wake up – but I knew that I would most certainly not be so lucky as I knew better than to think that two vampires or even one would grace me with a peaceful death.

I quickly turned attention from vampires to the wolves I had seen at the Cu…at _their_ house. I clutched my burning chest and thought of the brown wolf, my protector, I hadn't thought of him all week because it was just too sad to think that anyone who tried to protect me was now gone. I changed my thoughts from the depressing facts that I had to face everyday and turned them back to the massive wolves. How was it even possible that the wolves got to be so large? I weighed the possibilities. Toxic waste? Radioactive spiders? I chuckled at my own thoughts and then it hit me. With that last thought it brought me back to the vampires. How far fetched were giant wolves in the same place where there had been several vampires? I was thinking of these things as separate when in fact they were connected, deeply connected, and I heard Jacob's voice in my head.

"_Another legend claims that we descended from wolves…the cold ones are the natural enemies of the wolf – well, not the wolf really, but the wolves that turn into men…"_

'_Or the men that turn into wolves'_ I thought.

I thought back to the last time I saw Jake at his house when Sam was leaving his house. He said they considered themselves some sort of 'protectors'. There were three of them that day, four including Jake and there were four wolves. I couldn't breath. Wasn't anything fiction anymore?

Not even waiting to catch my breath I snatched my phone off the nightstand and once I got the numbers dialed with my shaking hands I listened impatiently to each ring, finally Billy answered.

"Hello"

"Hello, Billy. I need to talk to Jake, please it's very important."

"Bella, he's not…he's not available."

"Fine, then just remind him that tomorrow is Mike's party."

"Bella, he's still not feeling well enough…"

"Bull! That's bull and you know it! Yesterday you said he was at Embry's and the day before that he was in Port Angles. Perhaps I should just come and talk to him in person. I'll climb in the window if I have to!" I was hysterical, but Billy remained calm.

"You'll be very disappointed if you do"

"No, you'll be disappointed!" I said as I hung up, but I don't even think I made any sense. Just then the house phone rang. _'Oh crap'._

It was too late Charlie had already answered the phone and I could hear him arguing with Billy. He wasn't mad at me at all and told Billy that I didn't truly intend on climbing through Jake's window, which at this particular moment was true, and he scolded Billy for the way that Jake had been avoiding me 'after everything she's been through…" he said and I cringed at the words and decided to roll over and go to sleep since I had already been laying here in the dark for what seemed like forever. The plan was first thing in the morning I go to Jacob's house, and hopefully without climbing into any windows, I talk to him – face to face.

Content with my plan I drifted off to sleep.

**A/N – **

**Thanks again to MArmas (Melanie) for letting me (and Bella) borrow her beautifully written poem.**

**Next chapter is the party and I'm so excited…I love a good party!**

**Reviews are better than fruit from Bigfoot's fruit stand…maybe!**

**I am a big sucker for reviews so please review and I will try to answer any questions (that don't give away the ending)!**


	14. Chapter 14

**Disclaimer – I own nothing Twilight.**

**A/N – Thanks to all my readers, I love you guys, especially the ones that review, lol!**

**My beta, redlulu, is totes fantabulous for listening to all my ideas and looking shit up for me non-stop.**

**Ok, I should warn you guys you may need some kleenex for the beginning because I actually cried when I wrote it, but no fear it picks up before the chappie is over. **

**We ended with her going to bed after realizing that Jake was a wolf and making plans to talk to him the next day. We pick up right where we left off…**

Chapter 14

The Party

I didn't sleep well last night not that I ever do, but this was different. I had dreams of the mother wolf with her cubs in the meadow. They were peaceful and sleeping until all of a sudden a red swirl appeared before them and a fight ensued. The smallest cub became large right in front of my eyes until he was twenty times the size he had been. The fight was nothing more than a blur of hair and fur, but the sounds they were the same as the fight I usually dream of.

I awoke in a cold sweat, the images still fresh in my mind. I actually felt guilty for not dreaming of _him_. Not that those were actually dreams, but no one says 'nightmaring' so dreaming it is. I could only wish that I had real dreams of _him -_ us on my bed, in the meadow, anywhere but _that_ night. I let out a sigh and rolled out of bed.

I'm not sure how early it was, but I ran to the shower and got ready quickly so I would have enough time to go to Jake's before school. I didn't let myself think about anything not the dreams, the day at _their_ house, or what I was going to say to Jake knowing if I did the nauseous feeling in my stomach and the shaking in my hands would return.

In full game day garb I ran down the stairs and towards the door with both of my bags in tow without hardly and upwards glance at Charlie who was sitting at the kitchen table reading the paper I continued walking towards the door.

"Bells, where ya' goin' so early in the morning?"

"Game day, gotta get to school early." I replied hastily as I made my way out the door.

I heard him yell as I was shutting the door behind me "Don't climb in his damn window, Bella!"

The drive there seemed to take five times as long as usual and I was trying not to think about what I was going to say as I had already thought about it last night and decided to keep it simple – short and sweet and of course honest and everything would turn out fine I kept reassuring myself, not with much luck I may add.

Instead I started wondering if Jake would already be gone for school or if he even went to school anymore. Was there a special wolf school? He would still need his education and I hoped that he and Embry were still able to get their school work done in between chasing crazy vampires away from me. I felt a little guilty, but it wasn't as bad as when I thought I had gotten the whole lot of them killed. My bizarre thoughts at least worked to occupy my mind until I pulled into Jake's driveway. I didn't see Jake anywhere and I started to worry what if he really did get hurt that day with Laurent and that's why he's been avoiding me and Billy's been giving me the run around.

Just then I saw four large guys standing on Jacob's porch. My heart sank when I counted over and over 1,2,3,4…1,2,3,4 but then Sam stepped out of the way and I saw Jake. Well, it was definitely Jake, but different.

He's gotten even taller still and all of his beautiful, silky hair is gone. I felt sick to my stomach and could finally understand, somewhat, how Jake had felt when the situation was reversed. It's just that wasn't he different enough? Wasn't the whole changing into a wolf thing enough that he could at least look like the same person when he wasn't a wolf? It wasn't even the hair and the stature alone, but his demeanor and facial expression was the worst difference. I knew it was Jake who was looking back at me, but it may as well have been a complete stranger.

I was still sitting in the truck and I just stared at his face like I had done a million times before and not only has he never looked at me like this, but I've never seen him look at anybody like this not even Mike or Sam the two times I saw him at his angriest which was nothing compared to this. He's scowling and his brow is furrowed not only does he look angry, but he looks downright mean, _like a feral dog_, I think to myself almost chuckling right then and there, but looking into his face at that moment nothing was funny. This was my sunbeam, my friend and it hurt my already broken heart to look at him like this.

I get out of the truck slowly and lean against one of the trees that is the furthest from the house. I watch as the others go into the house and Jacob gracefully comes down the stairs and makes his way over to where I'm standing and if his expression is changing at all then it's only getting harder. If I would have closed my eyes I wouldn't have heard his approach at all and it's just discerning to think that what was my lumbering, almost 7 ft. tall friend is now moving gingerly through the trees like a figure skater.

I was overtaken by these events and I hadn't realized fully how much I actually missed him until I laid eyes on him today, but honestly this wasn't my sunbeam and I still missed him dearly. I was almost in tears because this was the person I would come to when the rest of the world had cast me out, this is the person that would comfort me, and accept me unconditionally the _only _person left for me like that in the whole world and now he was gone too. I didn't want this I wanted my friend back the one who would wrap me in his arms at the moment he saw me not _this _who looked like he would no sooner hug me than he would go kiss a vampire. Realization struck me like lightening, like it's been doing a lot lately, and I thought maybe that's what this is really about and even if he knew that I knew the truth he wouldn't want me around regardless. The traitor tears started flowing down my face and I jumped a little when the silence was broken by Jacob's booming voice.

"Bella, you shouldn't have come here!"

"You shouldn't have broken your promise!" I snapped back not even thinking before the words were spoken. I couldn't help it though, I really didn't expect to find Jake like _this_ and it surprised me to no end. I mean at this point few things should surprise me, but Jake like this was definitely one of them.

"Bella, I wish there was another way I really do…"

"Jake please no…" I choked on my own sobs as I tried to plead with him.

"It won't work now Bella, everything's changed." He growled at me, but it didn't deter me in the least.

"Nothing has changed!" It was true that nothing had change we were still the same people even though I just found out he was a wolf and he just found out that the person I'm in love with was a vampire those things shouldn't matter. I almost did laugh at that thought not because it's funny, but because it's beyond ridiculous and I believe I'm on the brink of hysteria.

I moved to take a step closer, but Jacob put his hand up to motion for me to stop, but I had already taken the step forward and his hand and my shoulder accidentally met. The quick movement of his hand had so much force behind it that I flew backwards and landed on my bottom in the dirt and rocks. I looked up at him tears streaming furiously down my cheeks and I held my hands palms facing up in my lap because the weight of me leaning on them hurt where the rocks had scraped them. We never took our eyes off of each other. Quiet sobs escaped my mouth not because of what just happened, but because inside it felt as if there were two separate fires burning in my chest and I can't even express in words the pain I felt after being rejected so harshly.

I was still staring at him standing in front of me with his hands clenched and he was shaking so bad it was like every inch of him was trembling. I realized that the two words I was thinking I was actually saying out loud repeatedly "I'm sorry, I'm sorry", but it's only in a whisper.

All of a sudden I feel arms lift me off the ground and I'm overcome with the worst feeling of déjà vu that I have ever felt. Panicked, I look up and see Sam who is not returning my gaze, but instead looking directly forward as he carries me to my truck.

I'm losing my opportunity with every step Sam takes towards my truck so in a panic I start yelling "No, Jake please don't do this, you're wrong, you're so wrong!"

Sam, who is still ignoring me, puts me on my seat and begins to walk away. "Sam, please I know, really I know" is all I manage to get out before he slams the door and walks away never acknowledging that I ever opened my mouth. I just sit there with the tears still flowing and I put my head in my hands while I sob.

I jumped when I heard a tapping on my window. I tried to open the door, but it wouldn't budge and when I peered out of the window I could see that Jake's enormous hand was against it. Not having any energy to argue, and realizing it would probably do me no good anyway, I rolled the window down all the way. The cool breeze whipped past my tear soaked face and made me shiver.

"You need to leave, Bella." He said it with such ferocity that it felt as if he had slapped me across the face. I had completely lost my train of thought and just stared up at him. All I could think about was how I wanted my sunbeam back, the Jake who would never let me just sit here and cry and would have wrapped me in his arms the moment he saw I was upset. This only served as a cruel reminder of how much I missed his warm embrace and by now I had my knees pressed against my chest with my chin resting on them and my arms wrapped around my legs for fear that the fires in my chest might explode. Clearly I had been relying on Jacob far too much, but I couldn't help it.

I was looking at him again and his expression finally seemed to soften. I reached my trembling hand out the window and towards Jake. I wanted so badly to brush my hand against his short hair.

"You're hair is so different" I mumbled, but before I could reach him he jumped back.

"I'm so different" he whispered in response.

I could see the hurt in his eyes and it was like looking at a mirror image because I'm sure that was how my eyes looked also.

"Please Bella, you don't belong here anymore, it's not safe." His voice was no longer harsh and hurtful, but genuinely pleading with me, but I did not understand his request. It seemed to be blatantly obvious that I didn't belong anywhere, but why wouldn't I be safe Jake protected me and saved my life, I would always feel safe with him. I didn't have time to figure any of this out I just knew that I could not lose him.

"You promised Jake, please I need you!" I was hysterically shouting at this point.

"It's not the same now…I can't…I'm sorry." He was struggling with the words almost like he was choking.

"It is the same Jake! I know it's safe that you would protect me, that you _did_ protect me! Jake it is ok I know…" I was frantically rambling and screaming until Jake, who was visibly still shaken, cut me off.

"Bella, I'm sorry" was all he managed to whisper before he ran off towards the house.

"Wait! No Jake wait!" I was going to chase him down and tell him how ludicrous all this _I don't belong here_ and _I wouldn't be safe_ nonsense was, but as soon as I opened the truck door I saw Sam starting to walk towards me.

His expression was neither angry nor soft, but I had absolutely no desire to have a conversation with him. I instantly shut my door and sped away making the dreaded drive to school. I had pulled out of his driveway quickly and didn't bother to slow down after I had gotten on the road. It felt like if I could just get away from his house I could get away from everything that happened and everything that was said, and if I could get away from those things then I could get away from how I felt. I didn't want to hear his words in my head, but I had no alternative since I had ripped out my radio in a fit of rage a few weeks ago. I cursed myself for the tantrum and wiped my eyes hurriedly since the downpour of tears was making it difficult to see and that's when I saw it just standing there, a deer in the middle of the road…correction not road – bridge.

I slammed on the brakes causing my truck to swerve as my hands frantically worked the steering wheel trying to regain control of the truck. I could barely think over the loud screeching of the tires and I shuddered at the horrible noise.

Finally the truck came to a stop after what had to be the longest 5 seconds of my life. I looked up and all I saw was water. My truck had stopped at the side of the bridge with not even a hair of space between the front bumper and the guard rail. I sat there for a moment trying to regain a normal breathing pattern. My hands rested, still shaking, on the top of the steering wheel. After a few minutes I gained the strength to back up and drive away. I'm lucky that no other car was coming when Bambi had decided that the middle of the bridge was a good resting spot and if any traffic did pass while I was sitting there, I didn't notice.

I got to school a few minutes late, but one glance at the mirror told me I had to compose myself before I went into the office for my tardy slip.

I walked into the office looking a little less disheveled than I had been when I pulled up, but looking just as pale, much paler than usual, and my eyes were still puffy and red.

I took my pass from Ms. Cope having cited 'car trouble' as the excuse for my tardiness since werewolf/suicidal deer wasn't an option. I turned around to walk out and I believe I heard her say "See you at lunch, Sweetie." and I chuckled under my breath.

No one really talked about my strange lunch habit, but I would've been a fool if I thought everyone hadn't noticed. I'm pretty sure even that freshman that missed lunch most of the time because he gets stuffed into his locker knew, but Ms. Cope and I had an unspoken agreement. Well, it wasn't as much of an agreement as I sat there and didn't bother anyone and she ignored me and went about her business, both of us well aware of the other.

The day went by in a blur. I did the things that I was expected to do and nothing more. I breathed and ate lunch. I took notes and I waved at people who waved at me first, but other than that I was in a daze, all my attention being consumed by the two fires blazing in my chest.

I rode the bus to the game in complete silence while I stared out the window watching the raindrops slowly meander their way down the glass. The rain continued for the entire game which was fine with me because we sat on the bleachers for most of the game cheering and clapping from our seats.

During half time Jessica and Angela talked me into going over to Angela's with them to get ready for the party. I didn't even want to go to the stupid party, but I did agree to go awhile ago and I had that outfit that we had scavenged the whole mall for waiting for me in my closet. So, I reluctantly agreed to go, but silently planned to leave after making a brief appearance.

After getting home from the game I told Charlie I was going to Angela's and he gave me a skeptical look, but didn't argue. It seemed like he wanted to, but bit his tongue probably fearing if I didn't get out of the house I would just continue to mope after losing the second person that was important to me. I tried not to focus on that instead I turned my attention to going upstairs and getting out of these wet clothes. I had a half an hour before I was supposed to be at Angela's house so after I grabbed my clothes I jumped into the shower to warm my freezing skin.

I had to force myself out of the hot water knowing that I had to have enough time to achieve some semblance of a normal teenager, but I knew my attempts were made in vain. After all, all that I was doing was putting on the clothes that Angela picked out to go to a party that was after a game I cheered at that I convinced myself _he_ would want me to go to because of a note Alice had wrote telling me to do the same. I sighed at my own miserable attempts and knew I should quit. I should quit trying and quit the stupid cheerleading nonsense I had gotten myself into, but then what? I no longer had the alternative to go spend time with Jacob anymore so why not just stick with this charade?

I had dried my hair and pulled it back into a pony tail so it wouldn't be in my face and I grabbed my jacket and walked slowly down the stairs clutching my burning chest. I looked at the clock and I had 5 minutes to get to Angela's so I picked up the pace.

"See you later dad!"

"Be careful, Bells" he called back to me and I turned around and smiled at him before I ran out the door.

We hung out in Angela's room for a little while waiting for her parents to go to bed. We had been lying on the bed eating snacks while a movie played on the TV, but I hadn't watched any of it.

After a short while the girls decided that they would start getting ready for the party. They changed their clothes and Angela was in her adjoining bathroom with the door open and she was still talking about something that I wasn't really listening to. Jessica and her makeup case had completely taken over the mirrored dresser in front of me and I watched her lay out her arsenal of beauty supplies. I was completely caught up with the spectacle of Jessica painting her face that I continued to stare at her mirrored image in front of me. I wasn't exactly sure how to describe it but I would have to say that she looked like a mixture of a street walker and Bozo the clown.

I continued to lounge on the bed and when I was finally broken from the trance of watching Jessica defile her own face I just stared at different things in the room.

I first concentrated on the flowered quilt my head was lying on and I thought about the last time I was on this quilt. It was the night I came over here to talk to Angela, the night I spent with Jake. Even though it was still a dark time in the horror story I call my life it was still far better than _this_ I thought as I caught another glimpse of Trixi the clown in front of me.

I let my eyes wander and looked around at the various collections that were grouped around Angela's room. She had porcelain dolls lined on a shelf with their fancy dresses and glass eyes staring off into space and in the corner near her bed she had several teddy bears. On the tall dresser she had an arrangement of photo frames and other figurines. It was nothing like my room, but it was cute and it definitely fit Angela.

"Ok, Bella let's do your makeup next" Jessica said in an excited voice as I practically launched myself to the back of the bed and held out my hands.

"No, I'm ok, really."

"Come here Bella, I'll show you some of my eye shadow." Angela called from the bathroom.

I gave Jessica a weak smile before I practically ran to Angela's bathroom. I didn't pay much attention to what she was doing, but she put a modest amount of makeup on my face that was a welcomed contrast to the atrocious amount on Jessica's face so I didn't argue.

I parked behind Jessica's car about a block down the street from Mike's house. We got out and walked in the cool night air past the sea of crappy cars. When we were walking up the sidewalk to the front door I could hear the music and almost feel the boom of the bass. I was silently praying that no one would call the cops, but knowing my luck my father would probably be the one to come in and arrest me.

There were people everywhere and I thought about taking off into the crowd and then making an escape out the back door, but no sooner did I think it Angela had snaked her arm around mine and told me we should go get a drink.

We made our way to the kitchen where thankfully it was a little quieter, but it looked like it had been transformed into a makeshift bar. There were bottles of hard liquor all over the island and right outside the back door that was on the far side of the kitchen there was a keg. At least that's where I assumed it was since there was a constant flow of people with empty cups going out and people chugging said cups coming back in. We were only standing there for a moment when Mike came in with a big smile on his face.

"Hey guys, I'm so glad that you could come" he said it as if it was a collective greeting, but he was only looking at me when he said it. This fact was not lost on Jessica.

"Hey, good game tonight" she gushed as she ran over to him and gave him a big hug.

"Thanks" his voice sounded a little unsure. "So, what can I get you to drink?"

"Whiskey and coke" the apparent avid drinkers standing next to me both chimed which left Mike staring at me.

"I'll have…something a little less strong" it almost sounded like a question, but he nodded and began digging around in the fridge.

"I think you can handle this" he said with a wink and handed me a wine cooler.

"Thanks"

Timing could not have been better since immediately after we took our drinks from Mike's hands a guy from the other football team ran up behind Mike and jumped on his back, playfully rubbing the top of his head in a noogie type fashion.

Jessica and Angela both shook their heads at the scene and walked out of the room. I followed them into the hallway and downstairs to the basement where we sat and talked with some of the other cheerleaders both from our team and the other. A couple of guys I didn't know were playing pool and Jessica seemed to be checking them both out and by checking out I mean staring and practically drooling on the carpet.

We sat down there for awhile until their drinks were empty and then we made our way back up to the kitchen. I opted for a beer that I knew I would just carry around and maybe pour into the sink or someone else's cup when they weren't looking.

We went into the living room where the music was playing and it was full of people dancing or standing off to the side talking. There were so many people that they spilled over to the adjoining dining room. Jessica and Angela wanted to dance, which I refused to do, so I stood against the wall biding my time until I would get to leave.

They were only gone for a couple of songs when they came bounding over to me with their cheeks flushed with color and stumbling. Angela grabbed my arm and led me back into the kitchen with them to refill their drinks. This time she filled a few plastic shot glass with whatever vile concoction she grabbed first and made her way into the dining room where it was less crowded. That's when the night took a downward spiral.

We walked past Tyler and Eric who were standing off to the side when I heard Tyler say "Well, so much for being unavailable every night, huh" as he pointed over towards me and chuckled as he elbowed Eric in the ribs. They were now both laughing and I felt my eyes begin to fill up with tears. I knew those words and it hurt to be reminded of everything I had lost.

Angela was standing next to me with the three shot glasses still in her hands talking to Jessica unaware of what was going on. I grabbed two of the shot glasses from her nearly spilling the other. I tipped my head back and drank both one right after the other like they were water, but they were most certainly not water and although I couldn't name exactly what it was, it burned my throat all the way down making it feel the same as my chest. Before Angela could get the remaining shot to her lips I snatched that one too and downed it leaving her with three empty shot glasses as I walked away. They just shook their heads and went back to the kitchen, they obviously didn't think much of my antics since this _was _a party and apparently drinking grotesque liquids and acting like an ass is what normal teenagers do at parties.

_Yay normal! _I thought sarcastically.

My whole body was warm and I actually felt pretty comfortable that was until I heard Tyler 's voice again and all I caught at the end of their conversation was _his_ name. The fire in my chest seemed to have been running rampant throughout my whole body and when I was on the brink of tears I saw _him_ in the crowd. I blindly followed him until I was lost in the mass of people and he was gone. I turned around to see Angela back with the shot glasses refilled, apparently Jessica had wised up because she had a tight grip on hers. I grabbed both from Angela, again, and walked off as the song changed.

I saw Tyler standing off to the side laughing and talking and even though I had do idea what he was talking about it taunted me. I drank both shots in a matter of seconds and tossed the empty glasses over my shoulder. I looked back to the crowd, but it was no use_ he_ was gone.

That simple realization rang in my head and I shook it in a foolish attempt to knock the thought out, but that didn't do anything but further impair my coordination. Instead I blocked the thought out by only concentrating on the music and then I did the first thing that popped into my mind.

"Take a look at this normal" I half mumbled half slurred as I climbed onto the dining room table.

I twirled and did various gyrating motions along with the beat. I threw my jacket off, but I wasn't really looking at anyone else I was only concentrating on my movements. My hair had come down awhile ago and I flipped it around a few times, but when I leaned back I felt a hard smack against the back of my head. Everything was a blur as I felt myself fall. I waited to feel the hard impact of the floor but instead I was engulfed with warmth. I looked up confused and was staring at Jake's face.

"Take me home" I whimpered. I pressed my face against his chest and squeezed my eyes shut. I had one fist holding on to his shirt and I listened to his heart beat. I felt safe again and it felt good.

He didn't say anything; he just held me tighter and began to walk. All of a sudden the rhythmic movement stopped, I looked up, and saw Mike standing in front of us.

"Hello, Jacob"

"Hello, Mike"

"Are you ok Bella?" I didn't answer I just nodded my head.

"She's fine. I'm taking her home."

"Here" he said reaching out for me because I could feel his hand make a feeble attempt at reaching under my legs. "She should stay here. You know she came with her friends"

_Oh give it up mike you're never gonna win_ I thought.

"I know she did" he said with a smile and looked out into the crowd and gave a small nod. I saw Mike turn around to see Angela smiling and waving at Jake. I closed my eyes and let out a small chuckle against Jake's chest.

"Goodnight, Mike" and then Jake casually strolled past him. I could feel the cool breeze on my face when he stepped out of the door, but I was still warm.

I gave my keys to Jake and after he unlocked my door he sat me in the seat, but I wouldn't get all the way in. I just sat there with my legs hanging out of the open door and my head in my hands.

"Go Jake" I waved towards him and when I felt his chest I shoved him a little not that it did any good.

"No" was all he said.

"Jake, I don't want you to see me puke" was all I managed to get out before I actually did start puking all over the ground. He didn't move an inch. He just grabbed my hair in his giant hands and held it back while I got sick. After all the contents of my stomach covered the street I turned around and curled up on my seat. I heard the door slam and saw Jake slip into the driver's seat.

"Um, Bella I think someone stole your radio."

"No, I had a fit and I don't want to talk about it."

He was mumbling under his breath the majority of the way to my house, but I couldn't make out anything he was saying.

He carried me into the house and I could hear my dad snoring as we went up the stairs. Jake was as quiet as he had been this morning, but I was thankful this time. He laid me in bed and covered me with a blanket. I didn't even get a chance to say thank you before I fell asleep.

Drunken nightmares are no better than sober ones, they're just different. The nightmare was a collage of vampires and werewolves, howling and screams, the pictures faded one into the other so quickly it made me dizzy. Something about the last image made me shoot up in my bed and scream, but I couldn't remember it after I awoke. I sat there sweaty with my hair damp and stuck to my cheeks, my mouth tasted like garbage, and my head pounded. For a moment I thought the sun was rising but I realized that it was the soft light of my desk lamp.

I looked over and saw Jacob staring back at me with a sad look on his face.

"What are you still doing here?"

"I was afraid that you had a concussion so I stayed to make sure you'd be ok"

"Oh, I see so I'm safe to be around you when you're saving me, but during the in between time I'm apparently not safe? Thanks for clearing that up for me, now get out of my room." I huffed and rolled over, but I felt like crap and doubted I could fall back asleep.

I felt Jake sit down on my bed and lay his hand on my back. "I'm sorry, Bella. It's very complicated and I wish I could tell you, but I can't"

"Tell me why things are different now?" I clarified.

"Yes, I'm sorry. I already told you I can't tell you."

"What if I already knew?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean exactly that. What if I already knew what you were talking about?" He was looking at me skeptically and it made me unsure "Do you even want me to know?"

"Of course Bella, and if I could tell you…"

"But, you already did tell me" he looked at me puzzled. "You didn't forget about telling me the wolf legends did you?"

He just stared at me shocked, but at least his face wasn't angry anymore. I grabbed him and hugged him.

"Thanks for saving me the other day, Jake"

He grabbed me by my shoulders and held me back so I was looking into his face. I was a little caught off guard by the action, but not scared.

"You knew this whole time!"

"No, not the whole time, I figured it out last night and tried to tell you this morning, but…"

He pulled me in so we were hugging again.

"I'm sorry Bella, I couldn't tell you. Sam wouldn't let me. "

"Well, does he know that you're here?"

"Kind of" He looked worried and paused a moment before he continued. "We need to talk, Bella"

"Jacob, please I know the truth everything's ok now."

"That's doesn't make everything ok, things are still different."

I was crying and my tears were getting Jake's shirt all wet. "Please, you can't hate me because of them!" I pleaded with my head still against his chest and I had fistfuls of his shirt again.

"What? You think I hate you, why?"

"You know because of the …" I motioned my hand forward a few times not wanting to say the word.

"Ok, back up a second. You know I change into a huge wolf and you're ok with that?"

I nodded my head.

"You know we killed the black haired vamp and you're ok with that too?"

"You killed Laurent?" he started laughing. "What's so funny?"

"I just think that the leaches having names is funny." I looked up at him and gave him a dirty look.

"Right, sorry. But, you really didn't think we killed him?"

"Well, at first I thought all the wolves got killed." This made him chuckle even though I didn't think it was very funny at all. "But, when I figured it out I guess I just thought he got away. I've been waiting for him to come back with Victoria and…and kill me."

" Victoria ? Is she the red headed leach?"

I nodded and then the realization hit me. "Oh no, she's here"

"Yeah, well it seems we pissed her off when we killed her mate, you know they get like that…"

My face was completely white as I shook my head. He just frowned at me.

"Yes they do, but I guess you'd be the expert not me" he said in an aggravated tone. I just kept shaking me head.

"Laurent was not her mate." This got his attention and he was listening intently. "James was her mate and Edward killed him because he almost killed me. She came here to kill me in September, but Edward saved me again." I paused as the tears streamed down my cheeks, but I had to finish, I had to say it. "He's dead she killed him, but that wasn't good enough she still wants me dead too." I was crying hysterically. I had never said it out loud and no one else knew until know. It made it more real and I hated it, I hated her.

He held me until I calmed down, but truthfully I didn't calm down at all I just used all of my energy. I had sobbed until my sides hurt and my eyes were almost swollen shut. He must have thought I had fallen asleep because he tried to lie me down, but I about ripped his shirt that was still clenched in my hands trying to get him to stay.

"I'm just going to get you a glass of water"

"What time is it? I don't want you to run into my dad or anything."

"Oh yeah, that's right."

I looked at the clock at it was 5:37 then I looked outside to see that his car was still here. "Well, I'm not sure what he's doing today so I'll just get it myself. I need to stretch anyway and to brush my teeth they taste like garbage". Jake laughed as I got out of bed. Something on the computer screen caught my attention and I froze. Before I could say anything or get any closer Jake jumped in front of me.

"Jake, what is that?"

"Bella, I was going to tell you now so you weren't shocked later…"

"Jake, please tell me what the hell that is."

"It's…It's you" he stammered. I shoved him out of the way, which he obviously let me do, and I sat down in front of the computer as he clicked the play button with the mouse.

There I was. Dancing like a fool on Mike's dining room table. I just stared at myself doing movements I didn't even know I could do. Jacob was standing next to me watching too and he seemed more nervous than I was. It actually didn't look half bad well, up until the point I bash my head against the light and fall down, but that's when Jake caught me.

"Hey, that's you!" I pointed and laughed. "You're famous" I said as I elbowed him in the side. He looked down at me like I was making fun of his grandma or something.

"Um, Bella if I'm famous what does that make you? You're the one dancing like a stripper on someone's table." He said as he waved his hand at the computer screen. I just shrugged.

"Well, I guess that would make me famouser and how do you know how a stripper dances anyway?"

"Bella, I think you hit your head a little too hard because you seem to not understand, so instead of using made up words and questioning my stripper knowledge can you please acknowledge the fact that your drunken performance is on the freaking internet?"

"Oh crap, what if this comes back on Charlie? You know police chief's daughter gone wild."

"You're name isn't on here and you can't really see your face thanks to your hella moves." I gave him a scolding look, but I guess they really were hella moves. I looked at the counter thing and my mouth dropped open.

"Whoa, 1,213 views!"

"Yeah, I probably account for at least 500 of those." He said with a laugh.

"That's nice Jake really." I just shook my head at him "I'm gonna go brush the garbage out of my mouth now." I got up to leave the room, but stopped when Jake started talking again.

"So, that's it."

"No, no I'm gonna get the water too. I didn't forget." I said in an exasperated tone.

"No, I meant about this." He said as he gestured towards the computer.

"Yeah, that's it. Big deal, someone in Tokyo is probably watching it right now and then next week everyone will forget about it when there's a video on there of some juggling kittens, or someone who juggles kittens…whatever"

I grabbed some clothes, namely _my _grey shirt and sweat pants, and left the room.

When I came back into the room I was freshly showered and clean. I even took some advil to get rid of the feeling that vampires were playing baseball in my head.

Jake was lying on my bed and I threw a pack of pop tarts at him before I plopped down next to him.

"My dad's getting ready to leave" he just nodded he looked deep in thought about something.

"Geez Jacob, are you still all worked up about that stupid video?"

"No Bella, it's something worse. I don't know how to say this now, but I'm just going to tell you because you need to know" he paused briefly and I just stared at him "the reason I was at the party is because the bloodsucker, I mean Victoria , was really close. Sam sent me there to make sure you were safe."

I felt sick to my stomach, like I was going to puke again.

"Jake, you can't fight her. I can't lose you too…not when I just got you back." It sounded almost like a whisper because my head was buried in his chest and my arms were holding him tightly.

"It's ok Bella there's five of us and only one of her," he tried to be reassuring but he failed miserably.

"No, it's not ok! It's the furthest thing from ok and thanks to that bitch nothing will ever be ok again, so don't tell me everything's ok!" I was almost screaming and Jake just stared back at me shocked since he had never heard me talk like that before.

"Bella, I'm so sorry."

I was so done talking about her.

"Jake, what did you mean earlier when you said 'things are still different' if you weren't talking about me having been involved with the bloodsuckers then what were you talking about?" I used air quotes for his silly word and hoped that he realized that we couldn't just not be friends.

"Bella, it's still not safe for you."

"I don't know what you're talking about, Jake. You've saved me, more than once. Of course I'm safe."

"No, I could hurt you and I couldn't live with myself if that happened."

"Jake, you would never hurt me and I know that."

"It's happened before." He said quietly and I just looked at him incredulously "Not with me, but one of the others."

"I'll take my chances" he just held me tighter and I knew he wasn't going to leave at least not like I had feared he was going to.

"I'll never hurt you" he whispered. His cheek was resting on the top of my head and I could feel his warm breath as he spoke. I wasn't sure, but after that it sounded like he said 'I love you', but I couldn't tell.

When I woke up he was gone and I started to panic that it had all been a dream. Right then he walked into my room. He had a very serious expression on his face and we just looked at each other for a moment.

"We need to go talk to Sam."

"We as in both of us? I'll pass on that one, thank you."

"We need to talk to him about the redheaded leach and you're the one that knows the most about her." That was true and I did want the bitch stopped even if it did scare the hell out of me to think of Jake and the others fighting her.

"Fine, but I'm not changing. Let's go." I said unenthusiastically as I rolled out of bed.

"Um, maybe you should. You're shirt still kind of smells like bl…vampire." My mouth dropped open and I just shook my head. Some things weren't worth questioning and I went to change my clothes.

He was driving my truck to Sam's and we didn't talk much during the ride. Mostly I got a lot of half answers. He told me not to stare at Sam's girlfriend, Emily, but he didn't tell me why. He told me that they knew he was coming, but didn't really say if they knew I was coming too. I gave up and sat in silence dreading every inch we got closer.

We pulled up to the house and four very large, very unhappy looking guys stepped out and were staring at us or more accurately were staring at me.

I took a deep breath and thought _let's get this over with_.

**A/N – Oh no, a cliffie! I know I suck, lol.**

**So, I hope everyone liked this chapter. The party scene was something that has been planned from the start, but it being put on youtube wasn't. I just felt to be accurate it had to happen that way. Yeah, youtube wasn't something Katerina Stratford had to worry about a decade ago, yeah it's been that long, so if you know what I'm talking about you rock and if not…you'll be ok. **

**The next chapter is partially finished so if you review I will send you a preview. Yeah, that's called bribery and I find it works quite well, lol!**

**Reviews are better than Trixi the clown juggling kittens…totally!**


	15. Chapter 15 Confrontations

**Disclaimer – I own nothing Twilight related.**

**A/N – I love all my readers and I apologize for the wait, but this is a super long chapter (the longest one at 14,500+ words!). I thought about splitting it, but we decided to leave it as is…hope you enjoy!**

**As always, a big thanks to my beta lulu who works totes hard to make my writing comprehendible, lol. **

**This would have been posted early yesterday if my computer hadn't decided to eat the final draft. Luckily, I still had most of it saved, but I had to go back a re-fix a bunch of stuff. Don't worry the evil computer has been properly dealt with *puts away ball bat*.**

****Important info in end notes**

Chapter 15

Confrontations

**Previously on how on How the Moon Differs (yeah that was supposed to sound all Soap Opera like, lol) – **

We pulled up to the house and four very large, very unhappy looking guys stepped out and were staring at us or more accurately were staring at me.

I took a deep breath and thought _let's get this over with_.

________________________________________________________________________

"Jake?" I said in an uneasy tone.

"Just wait here for a second, Bella." He had laid his hand on my arm gently and gave me a weak smile. I knew he felt bad for leaving me the past couple of weeks, but I wanted to put that behind us and forget about it. I looked away from him, not wanting to see the guilt and shame in his face. His lips quickly brushed across my forehead before he turned to get out of the truck.

"I'd rather wait here the whole time" I mumbled.

He got out and slammed the door behind him. I let out a deep sigh, which did nothing to help relieve the tension I felt, and I let my head fall into my hands. My ears perked up when I heard arguing but I didn't want to look or hear what they were saying. The arguing soon became yelling, growing louder and louder, which in turn became harder and harder to ignore. All of a sudden I heard a noise that was like none I have ever heard before followed by growls and snarls. I didn't even think about it before my head shot up and I took in the unbelievable sight before me. Two wolves rolling around on the ground their teeth bared as they snapped at each other.

Jacob wolf looked to have the upper hand, or paw as it may be, as he seemed to be slowly pushing the silver wolf towards the trees until they breeched the forest line and I could no longer see or hear them. The second they were out of sight Sam took off behind them tossing off his shirt and shoes onto the ground before he too was lost in the trees.

I looked back to the boys who were left, Embry and one of the boys I didn't know. Embry still had a silly smile on his face much like the first night I had met him although he had changed quite a bit too.

"C'mon Bella, you might as well wait with us. They might be awhile." He shouted so I could hear him from the truck and motioned with his hand to come join them.

I reluctantly got out of the truck and walked up to them. They were bickering between each other like I wasn't even there.

"You don't know that, Jared" Embry said agitated. "But, if she didn't know before then the wolf is definitely out of the bag now thanks to Paul"

"Whatever, you know that Jacob is the one that went against Sam's orders."

"You don't know that and neither do I."

"No, but I do" I spoke up and they both turned quickly to look at me. They seemed shocked like I was a mute who just spoke for the first time.

"He didn't tell me that he was a wolf or that any of you guys were." I sat on the step and ignored them, but I could see them out of my peripheral vision gawking at me. I didn't even turn to look at them before I began speaking again.

"Well, he told me about the legends a long time ago so I guess you could say I put two and two together." I turned to look at them and gave them a look like _I know you know what I'm talking about_. After all if half of the characters of the story Jake told me turned out to be true then what was the logical assumption about the other half?

"Out of all the girls in the world he has to pick a leach lover, leave it to Jake." Jared said in an aggregated tone as he tossed his hands into the air. I just ignored him and looked at Embry.

"Are you sure they're going to be ok?" I said wringing my hands in my lap.

"Oh sure. Well, Jake will be. I don't know about Paul. Did you see how quickly he phased?" He had turned and was talking more to Jared than me.

"Whatever, I hope Paul knocks some sense into him."

"Oh, ease up Jared, you know he didn't _pick_ anyone."

I didn't want anyone fighting or 'knocking sense' into anyone else and as I thought about their gnashing teeth and growls I felt sick. Of course it could have been the hangover, but I'm sure it was Jake out there fighting that made my stomach churn.

"She doesn't look so good." Jared said quietly probably not wanting to sound like he actually cared, which I'm sure he didn't.

"Are you ok, Bella?"

I couldn't force an answer out so I just nodded my head,

"If she pukes all over Sam and Emily's porch you're cleaning it up, dude"

"Whatever Jared, she's not going to puke she's tougher than that…she runs with vampires"

"I don't care what she runs with she's green and I'm not cleaning it up"

"Fine whatever" Embry agreed ending the argument.

I shivered as the cold wind continued to whip against my face making my hair blow and swirl around, but the cool air actually made me feel a little better. The boys standing next to me didn't even have a coat on, but they seemed untouched by the chill as they stood there arguing about something new.

"Oh, Bella you must be cold. Let's go inside." Embry started walking in and Jared went in ahead of him completely ignoring us. "Hey, I like your hair." He said smoothing some of it back that was wild from being blown by the wind. I chuckled knowing that Jacob's reaction was much different the first time he saw it and he would probably want to smack Embry again like the night we met if he were standing here right now.

The house was warm and smelled like cookies and stew. I looked at the counter and saw several big crock pots steaming away. I guess it would be safe to say that they all had an appetite like Jake's. I imagine that morphing into a giant wolf and chasing 'bloodsuckers' took a lot of energy so who was I to judge.

I saw the girl that must be Emily taking baking sheets out of the oven and setting them on top of the stove as she put other ones in. She had long black hair that hung thickly down to her waist.

It was much hotter in here, especially with the oven going, and I saw her brush her hair back as she wiped sweat off of her brow and once she moved her hair I could see her profile. She was very beautiful and I remembered Jake's warning not to stare so I turned my attention to Jared who seemed to disregard everyone else as he stood behind her pilfering a handful of cookies out of a massive plastic container that was, until he got his hands on it, almost full.

She turned towards us which shifted my attention back to her. She put her hands, that still had the oven mitts on them, on her hips and gave us a disapproving look.

That's when I saw the rest of her face. The right side was a complete contrast from the side I had just seen and was badly scarred. Three long lines, like claw marks, ran from the beginning of her forehead down to her chin and distorted her otherwise beautiful features.

Now Jake's comment made sense and I knew which one of the 'others' he was talking about. _Poor Sam_ I thought to myself as I looked back to Jared and his stealth cookie monster moves.

I wouldn't consider myself naïve but I knew Jacob wouldn't hurt me and even this did nothing to sway my conclusion.

"So, this must be Bella Swan." She said as she shook her head back and forth making her hair sway slightly. She peered around us and looked towards the door inquisitively, but no one was there.

"Where are your brothers?" she asked. No one seemed to give the word a second thought except for myself.

"Yeah well, Paul didn't care too much for Jake bringing his little girlfriend around and they got into a…um…_disagreement_ and Sam went to break it up."

"Disagreement, huh? Yeah, I know how you boys disagree with each other." She gave them a scolding look and shook one of her mitted hands at them much like a mother and then she turned her attention back to me.

"So, vampire girl, what brings you here?"

"Well, wolf girl, it seems we all want the same thing. Victoria…I mean the redheaded vampire…to die. And if it were up to me it would be sooner rather than later and preferably slow and painful."

They stared at me with their mouths agape, Jared had a cookie hanging out of his, as the front door swung open and the other three walked in trying to take in the situation.

Jake walked up to me and put his arms around me and whispered in my ear.

"Is everything ok Bella?"

"Everything is fine, Jake. I was just telling Emily why I'm here. Because no one wants that redheaded bitch dead more than I do" I practically growled and I saw Paul's mouth drop open to match everyone else's.

The tension and shock were quickly dissolved when Emily started laughing and everyone else joined in. Well, I wasn't laughing, but at least I wasn't as nervous as I was.

She walked past me on her way to Sam and I heard her say "Looks like we have an honorary wolf girl" she smiled at me, a smile that only took affect on half of her face, but was completely warm and friendly despite that. It was just a split second before she was lost in Sam's embrace and their focus was only on each other. Their love was so strong I swear I could feel it and I had to look away.

We all sat down around the living room. Jake and I sat on the couch and when Embry tried to sit next to me Jake practically leapt over me trading spots instantaneously so Embry would be sitting by him and not me. Everyone laughed at him and I just shook my head.

"So Bella, Jake says that you know why the redheaded vampire is here." Sam spoke quietly, but with authority and I just nodded my head.

I gave Jake a pleading look which he returned with a small nod.

"Sam, the black haired leach was not this Victoria's mate. It seems that her mate was killed by the Cullens, well mainly Edward, and that is why she is seeking revenge,"

I felt the fire begin to heat my chest the second I heard _his _name, but Jacob gave my hand a small squeeze and I focused my attention back to the conversation at hand.

"Revenge on Bella? But she's just a girl why wouldn't she go after the one that actually killed her mate?" Embry asked sounding completely appalled.

My lip began to quiver and tears started to flow down my cheeks. It only took split second for Jake to notice and promptly elbow Embry in the ribs. I swatted at Jake's arm weakly because Embry didn't know, but Jake gave him a warning glare before he turned his attention back to Sam.

"She already did, that's why the Cullens the left town, but that wasn't what she really wanted and it isn't enough. She still wants Bella dead too."

Everyone looked utterly shocked and just stared at me. I wanted to bury my head in Jacob's shirt, but felt too self conscious so I just looked down at my feet and watched as my tears fell and splashed onto my shoes.

"So, this is what it's really about!? I want no part of this leach lover's revenge! I will do this for all the people that the vamp has killed, and on _our_ land no less, but I will not do this for _her _or her beloved leach!" Paul was shouting and no sooner did he finish Jake had picked up a wooden bowl of fake fruit and flung it at his head. Apples and grapes flew around the room, but Paul caught the bowl right before it struck his head. Jake was up and growling now and I was just sitting there watching the whole mess play out before me.

"Jake sit down, now! And Paul you _will_ calm yourself, I've had absolutely enough of your insolence for one day!

Jake and Paul did exactly what Sam had asked of them and he promptly continued speaking to the entire room.

"Now, that we know what this bl-vampire wants we can be better prepared and finally stop her." He paused for just a slight moment and looked at me apologetically as if he knew I didn't want to speak about this, but then asked me in a low tone "Is there anything else that would be helpful for us to know?"

I shrugged my shoulders trying to think if there was anything because if there was I would gladly tell them, I would tell them anything, I just wanted her destroyed. Everyone was looking at me waiting, not in an angry way, but in a hopeful way. They clearly wanted the same thing I did. Nervously, I started thinking aloud.

"Um, I really can't think of anything. Everyone from her coven is dead and she doesn't have any powers –"

I was cut off right there by a series of gasps. Jacob turned to me, never moving his arm that was wrapped around me, and said "So, it's true they have powers."

Everyone looked worried and anxious and I was getting more nervous by the second.

"Only some do and like I said I don't think Victoria has any."

"Well, how do you know some do!?" Paul accused loudly.

"Paul, don't you worry about how she knows, it's not relevant at this time." Sam spoke with such authority carefully pronouncing each word as he looked calmly at Paul.

It was easy to see that Sam was the leader as it had seemed he was that day I saw him at Jacob's, Halloween it was, _the day Jacob started changing_ I thought sadly. Paul obeyed Sam's warning and left issue alone. I was glad because I did not feel like talking about _them_ today – I had already been talking about so much.

"Sam if there isn't anything else, I should be getting Bella home."

Sam nodded and they shared an exchange of whispers that I didn't even try to hear. We were quickly out the door and into my truck.

"I'm sorry"

"What for, Jake?"

"You know for everything, for the fight with Paul, and having to talk about everything, and –"

"Jake, stop. I knew they wouldn't be happy to see me and I'm glad that we had that talk if it can in any way help stop her – kill her." I amended my words at the end and felt that if no one else had to die it would have been well worth it. Jacob hesitated for a moment before speaking again.

"Bella, do the Cullens have powers?"

I tucked my knees against my chest and nodded. "Only some" I whispered, still looking out the window. I held up one finger for Alice, a second finger for Jasper, and a third finger for _him_, but then put it back down so that I was holding up two fingers for just a moment. He nodded, I put my hand down, and he left it at that. We rode the rest of the way to my house in silence.

When we got to the house Charlie was still gone, but I knew I would need to start making dinner soon.

"Jake do you want to stay for dinner?"

"I would love to." He answered with a smile.

I opened the fridge to survey it's contents and began pulling out ingredients and handing them to Jake. He took everything I handed him, until his arms were overflowing with food and stood there awaiting further instruction.

I pointed to the counter and he began unloading the food while I started digging out the things I would need from the cabinet.

"I'm making chicken casserole, I hope that's ok." I said while I put a casserole dish and a cutting board on the counter.

"Sure Bella, if you're cooking I know I'll love it" he was smiling a lot more and it was beginning to feel like I finally had my sunbeam back.

"Oh, do you need me to drop you off later? I guess I didn't think about it, you could've stayed at Sam's."

"No, that's fine Bella. I'm actually supposed to be here to make sure you're ok and then tonight I will probably patrol with the others around the house." I cringed thinking about 'around' my house and then his words sunk in.

"Oh, well if you don't want to be here then –"

"No, Bella it's because I _do_ want to be here. Sam knew someone had to make sure you were safe and he knew that I wanted to be here anyway." I nodded feeling a little better.

"It's not that you would have trusted anyone else anyway" I said with a chuckle, but knowing it was the truth.

"You are right. You know me so well, Bella"

"Ditto" I said as I prepared the chicken.

I rinsed my hands in the sink and Jacob's large hands met mine under the water and his thumbs brushed against both of my palms as he examined the small scrapes I had from the morning before.

"I'm so sorry, Bella" I shook my head I was so tired of him feeling sorry about all of this, but he just continued "it's just that I felt everything had been ruined between us and I was so angry and I thought I was going to hurt you, I did hurt you"

I continued shaking my head as his thumb was tracing the large, crescent scar on my palm and I abruptly pulled my hands away and shut off the water.

"What is that?"

"A scar"

"Obviously, but what from?"

"I don't want to talk about it"

"Why? It's just a scar."

"No, it's not just a scar. It's the scar from when James bit me during the fight that ended his life. The reason why Victoria has been after me, the reason why –"

"You were bit by a vampire!?"

"Yes, but _he_ sucked out the venom, he 'saved' me but doomed himself" I never really thought of it that way before because I never really spent anytime pondering what happened in Phoenix, but that conclusion seemed about right.

It sounded like he growled a little at the thought of me wanting to become a vampire, but he didn't say anything. I guess it really wasn't relevant now. I mean what would the point be in living for eternity without your soul mate? I barely thought it was possible or bearable to make it through my own lifetime.

Dinner was ready and we were setting the table as Charlie walked in.

"Jake! It's so good to finally see you again, it looks like you're feeling better."

"Yes, I am." He said with a big goofy smile.

"Well, that's great, I hope my daughter didn't make good on her threats to break into your house. You are here on your own free will aren't you?" he joked. I ignored him and continued scooping casserole on plates making sure that Jacob had a very large serving.

"Yes, I couldn't stay away from Bella or her cooking any longer" he said laughing as he turned his smiling face towards me.

Dinner went by with little conversation which was just the way I liked it.

After cleaning up the kitchen Jacob and I put our plan into action.

"Ok Dad, I'm going to take Jake home now." I yelled over whatever sports show was consuming Charlie's attention at the moment.

"Ok Bells, drive safely. Goodnight Jacob."

We drove down the street knowing that we had about 45 minutes to waste since it generally takes about 15 minutes to get to Jake's house and we usually talk for a short while before I leave.

"Hey turn here" Jacob pointed and I pulled into a small park. I remember Charlie taking me here a few times when I was little.

"Wow, I haven't been here in years." I said squinting through the darkness.

"I know me either." He said as he opened the door.

I was glad I wore my coat as I entered the cool evening air.

"I can't believe you don't even have a coat, Jake"

"Yeah, I don't need one anymore. I'm a toasty 108.9. It could start snowing and I'd be fine."

"Must be nice" I said quietly with a shiver. We stepped over the chains that were in between the short wooden posts that served as a fence around the perimeter of the playground.

We stood for a second taking in the scene. To the right there were two separate swing sets each with four swings and off to the left there was a large sand box next to a merry-go-round and in the middle area there was a pair of teeter totters and various animals that children could sit on and rock back and forth.

"I remember Charlie bringing me here when I was visiting him. I actually remember playing here with your sisters in that sandbox." I pointed across the darkness as if there were an abundance of sandboxes making it necessary for me to identify which one I was actually talking about. "Oh and one of their friends too, we all made sandcastles together one time."

"Yeah, that was the twins' friend Leah." He said it in a low voice, without emotion like there was something else to be said, but he wasn't saying it. Then I remembered that she was the daughter of Charlie's good friend Harry, but they never mentioned her and I hadn't seen her since I was like six.

"Oh, did she move away like your sisters?"

We walked over to the swings and sat down. I was pushing haphazardly with my feet so I would move back and forth just slightly. Jake did the same as we sat in the cold night. I tucked my hands inside my coat sleeves as I held on to the chain of the swing and listened to his answer.

"She did move away a couple of years ago, but it's a long story."

"Well, we have time."

"Fine." He took a deep breath and without turning to look at me he began. "Leah and Sam were high school sweethearts –" I gasped in surprise.

"Really? But him and Emily –"

"I'm getting there, I'm getting there." He gave me a look like _do_ _you want to hear this or not?_ and I did so I was quiet while he continued.

"I guess I should start by saying there is a thing that happens with some werewolves it's called _imprinting_."

"Like what birds do when they see their mother for the first time, or whoever they see first, they form a special bond with them?"

"No. Well, kind of. It's a very special thing that only happens with some werewolves. It's when they meet their soul mate and a connection that is so strong is made I can't even describe it in words. That's what happened the first time Leah's cousin Emily came over and Sam met her."

I couldn't believe that Emily and Leah were cousins. I didn't know who to feel worse for, but quickly decided that the pain that Leah must feel has to be worse than the guilt of Emily or Sam so I chose Leah.

"That must've been very hard for Leah." I said shaking my head. I couldn't imagine, well I guess I could somewhat imagine, I did know how it felt to lose the love of your life, but if she wasn't Sam's soul mate than he obviously wasn't hers so there was still hope for her.

"Yes, it was very hard for her and that's why she moved away."

"Oh, so she hasn't 'moved on'?" He shrugged his shoulders, but it had been two years so I hoped that she was as happy as I could see that Emily and Sam were.

"So, I remember you guys making those sandcastles." He changed the subject and I was glad to move on from such a sad topic.

"Really you do? You were so little."

"Yeah I was, but I remember that you guys wouldn't let me play with you."

"No, we wouldn't let you stomp our sandcastles – there's a difference." I said with a laugh.

"I wasn't trying to stomp your sandcastle, I just wanted to be close to you…guys. You know I was the only boy and I felt left out."

"Aw, I'm sorry Jake. Do you want to go build a sandcastle with me?" I said jokingly, but Jake was still pouting so I answered as if he had given a spoken refusal. "Yeah it's too cold anyway. Do you want to give me a push?" His face lit up, I'm not sure why I guess because he was being included in the reindeer games or something, but he quickly hopped off his swing and was behind me with his hands on the hooks of my swing seat where it connects to the chain.

"A big push or a little push?"

"Big" I answered instantly, remembering how I would beg my father to push me higher and higher.

Immediately after I had spoken the word Jacob had pushed me forward and ducked himself under me, which was no small task considering how tall he was. I think I was higher than I had ever been on a swing before. It made the air feel even colder as it blew across my face with speed. I pumped my legs as a normal reaction and continued to fly back and forth swiftly. It actually felt liberating, although it was a bit cold, it even felt oddly familiar. Just when I moved forward again and the wind blew past me I knew why it was familiar and it was that realization mixed with the cold breeze that caused me to lose my breath for a moment. Feeling a bit shocked and caught off guard I lost my grip on the chain and went flying into the air with force and hit something hard, rock hard.

I had my eyes clenched tightly awaiting the feeling of pain or perhaps blood, but after a moment when neither one came I opened them. I was staring into Jake's eyes just barely an inch away from mine and I could feel his breath, as warm as his skin, against my mouth. How easy it would be to lean forward, to close that gap, and kiss him. I knew that wasn't what I really wanted to do and instantly he set me down on my feet.

"Bella, I'm sorry I didn't mean to push you so hard."

"No, it wasn't that. I lost my grip. I shouldn't have had my hands in my sleeves, I should've been holding on better." I added knowing that my stupid sleeves didn't' have anything to do with it, but I hated it when he felt guilty especially when it didn't even have anything to do with him.

"I think we can head back to your house now." I nodded and we got back into my truck. Jake cranked the heater, clearly for my benefit only, and we drove back barely speaking at all.

Jake went around the side of the house and waited while I went inside. Charlie had fallen asleep in front of the TV. I turned it off before I gently nudged him as he snored loudly on the couch.

After a short while of nudging and calling his name he finally woke up just enough to make it up the stairs and into his bed.

I turned off the lights behind him and made my way into my room where I instantly opened the window. I was surprised to see Jake waiting in the tree and I quickly moved out of the way as he jumped in.

"I have to go patrol in the woods. Paul and Embry caught a fresh scent on the other side of the rez, but now that we know where's she been trying to go we don't want to take any chances."

I nodded my head, gave him a hug, and told him to be careful before he left. I knew he still felt that it was funny that I was worried about his safety, but he also knew that I didn't think it was funny at all so he never said anything.

I took my time getting ready for bed and when I slid under my covers I tried to relax my tired body in the darkness, but it was near impossible. I just let all of the day's events play over in my head and I thought about Jake outside in the cold trying to protect me, and I thought about _him_, but mostly I just felt lost like I didn't know what to do.

I hadn't really noticed that I was crying or starting to doze off until I heard my name.

"Bella?"

"Edward! Edward, is that you? I sat up and saw him standing there. I couldn't remember the last time I saw him. Oh yeah, the party. That was a miserable attempt at being a part of the normal teenage scene, but I only got a fleeting glance of him that night. I couldn't really remember the last time he was here in my room talking to me.

"Oh, Edward I've missed you so much!" I didn't care if I was talking to a mirage or a hallucination or a freaking ghost for that matter, it was better than nothing. Yes, insanity was better than nothing or better than being sane I suppose.

He stood in front of me and looked more like a statue than I could ever remember before, not only was he not moving, but his face was expressionless.

"Have you really, Bella?" he asked mockingly.

"Of course I have" I said meekly in a hurt tone. The tears were still freely streaming down my face.

"Bella, I feel that you're forgetting me." Even though his voice was still melodic and beautiful the tone had matched mine and sounded full of hurt. I was now pulling my legs as tightly as I could against my chest as I rocked back and forth and shook my head.

"I could never forget you, it's my biggest fear. The only thing I really have left to fear, but there is nothing else for me now, no one else for me. This world holds absolutely nothing for me and I am only biding my time in this hell." I answered honestly and although I wanted to look away I couldn't. I saw his face lighten for a brief moment.

"I love you always" he said in a whisper and then was gone.

It didn't matter how much I loved seeing him or hearing his voice the end was always inevitable. He would be gone, he is gone and nothing would change that.

I cleared my mind and tried to think about nothing at all. My eyes became locked on one square of the plaid blanket that hung on the back of my rocking chair and I directed all of my focus on that one square, not letting anything else interfere.

I didn't realize I was still rocking until my door opened and Jake walked in and had rushed over to me.

"Are you ok, Bells?"

I shook my head and that was my only response. I had stopped rocking, but my gaze was still on that one square.

He quickly sat on my bed and wrapped his arms around me. Since my view had become blocked I looked up into his face that was full of worry, but I'm pretty sure mine was blank.

"Bella, you're scaring me. _She_ wasn't here was she? That couldn't be possible there's no way she could've gotten passed." He mumbled the last part to himself.

"No, it's nothing like that. You know that the nights are hard for me." I tried to brush it off like it wasn't a big deal or that it was just my nightmares. It was true that the nights were hard for me as are the mornings, the afternoons…and just living in general had become hard for me.

Jake held me tightly and patted my back, but having just seen _him_ Jake's embrace had lost some of its usual comforting ability.

"It's just so hard to go on when it feels like a part of myself is missing."

It felt like he wanted to say something, but he didn't.

Sunday had passed in much the same way. Jake and I had the house to ourselves the majority of the day as our fathers were watching football at Harry's house.

He seemed content watching me, even following me around like a puppy at times as I did various chores around the house. I insisted that I didn't need a babysitter, but Jacob was persistent in telling me that he wanted to stay. Honestly, I liked the company and I was being pretty successful and not feeling guilty. I felt a connection with Jacob like I suppose I would with a brother, not that I have one, but regardless it was deeper than me moving on and shacking up with some dude I met at the Piggly Wiggly. It wasn't even moving on at all since Jake has pretty much always been around and he was also the only person I had left who knew all of my secrets and yet still accepted me…he was still my sunbeam and best friend.

Since Charlie was having dinner, or whatever grease filled, deep fried concoction they would pass off as dinner, at Harry's Jacob and I ate dinner together.

It was oddly comfortable. I joined Jake at the table and realized after I sat down that I didn't grab a steak knife to cut my meat, but Jake who had already cut his handed his knife to me without me having to say a word. I salted my potatoes and gave the shaker to Jake without even looking up. Our silent exchange went on for the better part of dinner and anyone looking on at this behavior would probably think of us as an old married couple. Eventually the silence was broken and we fell into easy conversation.

"I could never tire of your cooking, Bella. It's so good." He complimented as he shoved a very large forkful into his mouth.

"I don't think you could tire of anyone's cooking, Jake." I smiled at him, both of us knowing it was the truth.

After dinner I knew he would have to go patrol. I cleaned up the kitchen and although he said he would stay with me until I fell asleep I assured him that it wasn't necessary as I refused to keep him from his pack duties any longer.

I finally forced myself into bed I because I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open, but as soon as my head hit the pillow I suddenly felt full of energy, well not enough energy to make me want to get out of bed, but enough energy that made it impossible to fall asleep. I heard Charlie pull up and the door of the cruiser slam shut and then a moment later I heard the front door open and close. It was about twenty minutes before Charlie opened my door and made sure I was asleep and probably alone too. I closed my eyes and let my breathing become slow and relaxed until he left thinking I was asleep.

Eventually I did fall asleep and the next thing I remember is my nightmare, but it was different. It was as if it were going at fast forward speed. I heard the horrible noises as I always did, but at the end instead of hearing _their_ voices I saw words. They were the same words I had seen at the top of one of _his _journals, the Latin one, but the words were not among the others on the page they stood alone. Completely alone in the darkness beaming the brightest shade of red that I have ever seen. It looked as if it were a beacon of light that was supposed to guide my way in the darkness.

I awoke screaming with the words still visible in my memory. The gleaming letters seemed to be burned permanently into my eyes and they were all I could see as I blinked in the darkness, but it did nothing to fade the sight.

'_Amare et sapre vix deo conceditur'_

I didn't even bother to turn the light on as I blindly scribbled the words on a scrap piece of paper on my desk. After purging the words from my sight, I crawled back to bed and fell asleep.

*************

Monday – Lunch time

'_damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn'_

I repeatedly cursed myself as I stood in front of the cafeteria. Lunch had started ten minutes ago and everyone was already inside. I could see the bustling of all of the happy, normal teenagers through the small windows in the doors, but that only made me more nervous.

In my haste this morning I forgot to pack my lunch and now here I stand in front of the double doors of doom trembling with fear at the very thought of having to enter and I'm desperately racking my brain to find an alternative solution to my hunger that does not involve entering the cafeteria of memories.

Let's see, the vending machines are now housed in the cafeteria as they were no longer safe from vandals (AKA hungry teens with no money) in the hallway so that wasn't an option. Everyone I knew was in the cafeteria and although the idea of calling Angela on her cell phone was very appealing, it did cross the line of weird even for me. As for everyone I didn't know well they were in there too with the probable exception of locker sardine freshman and for an instant I entertained the idea of setting him free in exchange for retrieving my food, but even that plan was flawed unless I wanted to peruse the hallways banging on random lockers, which coincidentally I did not. I could go home for lunch, but we weren't really allowed to do that since a few bad apples had ruined it for everyone, not that I had enough time now anyway. So, it really did seem I had no alternative but to enter the Godforsaken cafeteria.

I swung the door open and slowly walked through right as my stomach grumbled purposely to mock me no doubt. I took each step with care and thought and looked only at the tile I was walking on. I sped my walking up as I heard whispers on either side of me. I could have been imagining it, but I doubt I was. Maybe I was paranoid, but then I pondered if it was really paranoia if it were true. I decided by the time I reached the lunch line that after insanity, worrying about any other mental defect was irrelevant.

I arbitrarily grabbed a couple of things as I walked my way down to the end of the line and practically shoved my money at the lunch lady. I turned around without even getting my change and was contemplating just making a mad dash to the doors, but as soon as I had turned I found myself face-to-face with Jessica.

I was standing there with my mouth open looking at her as she stared back furiously for a reason that I was clearly oblivious to. My confusion grew when she started ranting in a loud voice clearly used for theatrics.

"Who in the hell do you think you are!" She yelled in a shrill voice that felt like it had pierced right through me and I just snapped. I was still shaking from all of the stress of my unintentional return to the cavern of death - or as it's known by its more innocent name - the cafeteria, but this confrontation pushed me over the edge and the shaking stopped and I dropped my food to the floor as my hands ball up into fists and I took a step towards Jessica.

"Who in the hell do I think I am? I think the real question here is who in the hell do you think you are! Oh wait no, we all already know who you think you are because _you_ are all _you_ ever think or talk about." I poked her in the chest a few times and with each word I spoke I took a step closer to her and she took a step back like a strange dance that we continued as she stared at me flabbergasted and I stared right back at her infuriated. "I'll tell you what Jessica, I've had just about enough of your snotty ass attitude and I'm quite sorry that you're jealous, but let me just remind you that I didn't even want to be a cheerleader or go to that stupid party so maybe you should butt the hell out of my life and worry about your own!" by this time we had waltzed our way across the cafeteria and her back was against the wall looking at me incredulously as if waiting for me to sock her in the face and although it was tempting I held back. My rant ended and the crowd that had went dead silent during my tirade erupted in applause as I marched out of the cafeteria.

I became even more pissed when I realized that my lunch that I had worked so hard for was still lying all over the death cavern's floor and then I wished that I actually did punch her in the face as my stomach taunted me with several growls.

I heard the cafeteria doors open and I quickly scurried down the hall for fear that a teacher was coming to look for me to wag their finger at me for saying 'ass' or something of that nature. I hid in the doorway of an empty classroom. The lockers on each side blocked the view of anyone that wasn't nearby. I was pressed against the end of the lockers as flat as I could make myself, but I heard the footsteps go in the other direction probably towards the girl's restroom where they undoubtedly thought I was bawling my eyes out. I listened carefully to see if I could hear anymore footsteps, but all I heard was a low whimpering like that of a puppy. It continued and I moved away from my hiding spot and stood directly in front of the lockers where I heard the noise coming from.

"Hello?" hopefully it wasn't a puppy because in that case I would be waiting a long time for a response.

"I'm in here" a weak voice replied.

"Sure now I find you" I replied in a sarcastic voice. I looked down at the locker. "I'm gonna need your combination". He rattled off the numbers and I opened the door being careful to get out of the way as he tumbled out.

"Are you ok?"

"Sure I'm fine this happens all the time" he was running his hands over his shirt and pants as if he were smoothing out wrinkles, but there weren't any and I could tell he was trying to compose himself. It was obvious that he had been crying and he didn't want me to see.

He looked up at me and smiled "Thanks, Bella"

"You know my name, Clifford right?" I was astonished that this kid even knew who I was. Well, knew me as something other than 'girl off her rocker in grey' or my new name which was probably 'girl off her rocker on youtube', but he just looked up at me sheepishly.

"Actually, that's not my real name that's just what some of the guys call me you know because I have red hair." I felt like such a jerk.

"Oh! I'm so sorry I had no idea, really I'm sorry!" this poor kid just spent how long trapped in a locker and here I was taunting him more.

"It's ok" he said with a laugh and waved his hand at me like it was no big deal.

"So, what is your name then?"

"Riley"

"Well, then it's nice to meet you Riley I'm Bella Swan, but you already knew that I guess" I said with a laugh as he took my outstretched hand and shook it.

"Well, of course I do. The whole school does." I looked down at the floor embarrassed, but he continued speaking "You're only the prettiest cheerleader on the whole squad."

My head shot up and my cheeks flushed bright pink as I tried to laugh off my ever increasing embarrassment "Whatever you say silly freshman".

"Actually…" he started but then trailed off.

"Great, I'm wrong again" I mumbled feeling like an idiot.

"No, I'm small for my age I get it all the time, really I'm used to it."

"Oh, it's not that it's just that I don't remember seeing you last year that's why I thought you were a freshman."

We froze for a moment when we heard the footsteps return and then he grabbed my hand and we scurried to the end of the hallway and into an unused stairwell, we raced to the top and sat on the step. Riley had a brown, paper bag in his hand that I hadn't noticed before and he placed it in his lap. He looked over at me probably seeing me salivating all over the place.

"Have you already had lunch?"

"No, I was actually in the process when I was um, _interrupted _by Jessica Stanley." He rolled his eyes clearly knowing who I was talking about.

"So how'd that go, I missed something big didn't I?"

"Let's just say that's it's a long story."

"I'm sure I can keep up" he replied with a smirk and before I could choke to death on my own saliva he handed me half of his sandwich and a handful of apple slices.

We sat there eating in the stairwell missing the entire 5th period class and I told him about the ranting tirade I went on with Jessica not even remembering most of what I said because I was so flippin' angry at the time.

"I always miss the good stuff" he huffed like a small child and I just shrugged my shoulders thinking that anything short of the second coming of Christ wouldn't coax me back into that cafeteria, but he just continued completely animated like he was talking about band camp or something.

"Like that time when Lauren Mallory dumped her bowl of chili on this guy for calling her a …" he stopped suddenly and I looked at him eager to hear what could've been said to her that would make her dump food on somebody. His cheeks were as red as his hair and I laughed when he finally blurted out the crudely sexual remark that was made to Lauren in the middle of the cafeteria.

"So how come I haven't seen you around before?" I asked him truly curious since I really did think he was a freshman.

'Well, probably because I'm a dweeb that spends most of his time in his locker and not with the likes of hot cheerleaders." I gave him a scolding look and he immediately tried to make up for it.

"Well, until today I guess" he said with a laugh.

'So, you've had these problems since last year?"

"Yes and no I really don't want to talk about it, it's really…"

"I'm sure I can keep up" I said ignoring the irony, but he just scowled at me.

"I was going to say 'not good'" I just kept looking at him until he finally continued.

"I was new last year after my dad sent me here to spend some time with my mom who has seemed to finally have her life back on track" he made a motion with his hand to signify that she must have been something of a boozer and I smiled at the slight similarity in our situations with the respective differences of booze and vampires. He continued with his story.

"So, last year right after I moved here some of the older guys shoved me in my locker. I wasn't in there long when…Edward came and got me out. He never asked me who did it, but I know he must have scared the shit out of them because they wouldn't even look at me funny. Well that is until he moved away."

I was actually smiling at that endearing account of _him _and I stared down at the steps ignoring the small flame that started to burn in my chest and then I felt a hand on my back.

"You know Bella he was a really good guy and I know you've had a very hard time, understandably, and that's why I didn't want to say anything."

I recoiled at the past tense and looked up at him curiously.

"Um…" he fiddled with his fingers for a moment and then spoke again very quietly "I heard that he was ill, well everybody has, Jessica has a huge mouth and well there's other rumors too." His voice had gotten really quiet, like a whisper, and I could just imagine what these other rumors were, but I didn't care to hear any of them knowing that the craziest one would still be no comparison to the truth.

"Your boyfriend is a good person and I really hope that the two of you will be together again. I saw how truly happy the two of you were together and -"

I placed my hand on his shoulder and gave him a small smile, but it wasn't fake or forced. I finally found one person that hasn't gone completely insane and he was this stranger that barely even knew me and probably suffered multiple blows to the head considering how often he was thrown into his locker, but he had more sense then any of my so called friends at this school. I liked what he said too that he hoped that we would be together again. I hoped that too and I believed it, I had to believe it. I wasn't going to go jump off a cliff or anything, but when the time came I wanted to be reunited with my true love.

Just then the bell rang and we jumped up so that we wouldn't miss our next class too.

'Thanks for lunch, Riley"

"Thanks for saving me, Bella"

We smiled at each other and went to go our separate ways when I thought of something.

"Wait!" he turned around and looked at me. "Wh…who was it?" he looked embarrassed, but he didn't deny me the answer that I was looking for.

'Well, there are several of them, but mostly it's Tyler Crowley." I frowned growing very tired of his antics, but I quickly smiled and waved to Riley as he walked away.

I got to the building I needed to be in and was walking down the hall rummaging through the papers in my binder when I heard my name and looked up.

"Bella, bravo on your stellar performance today during lunch." He gave a fake little clap and smiled at me. I walked up to him slowly with a devious smile spread across my face.

"Oh yeah, I heard that I wasn't the only one busy terrorizing people at lunch, Tyler." I cocked my eyebrow and looked up at him like a mother who just knows what you've been up to although you can't imagine how. He had a scared look on his face and didn't reply at all.

"Listen to me and listen to me closely because I will not say this more than once. I don't know what the hell's gotten into you and I really don't care, but I stuck up for you after you ran me down and almost killed me last year, but if you keep this shit up I _will_ make sure my dad makes good on his promise to revoke your license and if you think he doesn't have a valid reason believe me if he follows you around long enough in that reefer mobile you call a van I'm sure he'll find one. So, to review what I've just said, you and your ass clown friends _will_ leave Riley alone or you'll be riding your bike to school and by the way that is his name, Riley, and if you address him as anything else I _will _come up with the most embarrassing nickname for you that you'll wish it was after a cartoon character and people _will_ call you by it because it will be that freaking funny."

I stomped off towards class feeling pretty darn proud of myself, but I definitely had my fill of confrontations for one day or even one year. At least that's what I thought until I looked up and Jessica was standing right in front of me…again.

_For Pete's sake can't I even get to class?_ I thought exasperated.

I was obviously filled to the brim with moxie because I brushed right passed her barely even sparing her a glance.

"I can't be late for class. If you want to talk it'll have to be after school." She didn't offer a reply, but it wasn't like I had actually given her a chance either.

I sat in my last hour American History class and since my locker was nearby I was always the first one in the classroom. I was trying to finish my math homework so I wouldn't have to bring it home when I noticed someone standing in front of me blocking the light. I looked up and saw Mike standing there and I just gave him a look like '_can I help you?'_

"Um, Bella did you call me an ass clown?"

I gave him another look, but this one said '_if the shoe fits'_ and I promptly looked back down and tried to regain my concentration on the confusing story problem that was supposed to represent a real life problem, whatever.

I continued scribbling numbers on my paper, but the light did not return and I looked up to give Mike a dirty look this one would say _'Get the hell out of my light!'_.

"I'm serious Bella, you haven't been acting like yourself."

Wow, he was perceptive I hadn't been acting like myself for months did he just now notice or maybe crazy, grief stricken Bella was myself now and I wasn't acting like her anymore. Either way it didn't matter and I really didn't feel like talking to anyone, I just wanted the school day to end.

"Mike, I did not call you an ass clown and if Tyler told you that he's lying. I said there would be hell to pay if him and his ass clown friends continued to pick on Riley. So, if you are one of the ass clowns that put him in his locker today then yes I suppose I did call you an ass clown and now that I've met my ass clown quota for the day can you please get out of my light?"

"What so now you're friends with Clifford?"

I gave him a dirty look "I have homework to do, Mike."

"Seriously Bella you sure do have a lot of guy friends for someone who has a boyfriend."

_Smack_

I didn't even think about it I just smacked him across the face and I just sat there with my mouth opened in horror at myself. He was pretty shocked too.

He turned around to look at the teacher who shrugged his shoulders.

"I only saw you out of your seat Mike. Now go sit down!"

_Great maybe that'll end up on youtube too. _I thought sarcastically.

I just sat there quietly for the rest of the class trying not to look at anybody but it felt like a dozen of eyes were burning holes into me. When the bell rang I got up and ran out of the classroom and out of the building. I think I had everything I needed with me and if I didn't I didn't really care and then I remembered one small problem, actually a big problem…Jessica.

She was standing outside waiting for me. God, I really hope she didn't want to fight because I honestly didn't have any energy left over from today.

She came running up to me and I saw her arms move up and I flinched and closed my eyes instinctively, but when I opened them she had her arms wrapped around me and I just stood there frozen with shock. She let go and stepped back.

"I'm sorry, Bella! I was jealous and I got so angry because Mike likes you so much and you just run off with Jacob who is totally hot and then there's…it just seems like everyone I like likes you." She said it like a whiny child. "But, I know that it's not your fault and I'm sorry for putting that video up of you I mean I already took it down and…"

That bitch, I was going to tear her curly hair out of her stupid head. I pulled my fist back and right when I was going to hit her in the face and grab some of her frizzy hair I felt my arm being grabbed and I heard a sweet voice, like that of a child, whisper in my ear. It was familiar, but I couldn't place it right away.

"Bella, the principal is right behind us and if you do this you will be suspended."

I let my arm relax and he let go of it as it fell to my side. I turned around to see Riley standing behind me. I smiled and didn't realize that Angela was dragging Jessica away while I was distracted, but I was glad to be rid of that crazy harlot and truth be told I didn't really want to hit her anyway I already felt bad for hitting Mike…kind of. I had been a crazy, emotional mess today and I just wanted to go home before I attacked someone else.

"What's going on here?" a loud voice asked and I looked up instantly smiling.

"Hey, Jake! This is my friend Riley, he just saved me from punching Jessica in her stupid mouth."

"Don't you mean he saved her?"

"No, he saved _me_ from getting kicked out of school. Forget her and her stupid mouth."

"You should've let her hit the stupid tramp." He laughed and nudged Riley a little, but almost knocked him down. He caught him in his big hands and steadied him with a panicked look.

I looked past Riley and Jacob who were standing in front of me and saw a group of guys looking at Riley in a way I didn't care much for.

"So, Riley can we give you a ride home?"

"No, that's ok I ride my bike"

"No, really you don't have to ride in the rain. We'd be happy to give you a ride. Right, Jake?" I turned to verify that Jake didn't mind since he had insisted on being my personal chauffer lately because he refused to allow me out of his sight outside of school.

"What? Oh yeah sure, we can just put your bike in the back of her truck." He agreed without giving it a second thought and just stood there waiting, but Riley was still proving to be difficult as he argued with me.

"Bella, it's not even raining."

"Sure it's not right this second, but it will be. C'mon let's go get you're bike." No one argued with me and they just followed me across the parking lot.

We walked to the bike rack which wasn't far from where Jake had parked my truck, but coincidentally right behind where Tyler, Mike, Eric, and three other guys that apparently made up the ass clown posse, were standing. I tugged on Jacob's sleeve until he bent down and I whispered in his ear "These guys are really mean to Riley."

Jacob tensed and gave all of the guys a dirty look. Somehow they didn't look so tough anymore.

Mike just couldn't keep his mouth closed. "Nice boyfriends you have there Bella" he obviously was showing off in front of his friends. Two could play at this game.

"Really, I was thinking the same thing about you." Everyone started making those "Oh!" sounds and laughing. Even the guys that I was implying were his boyfriends were laughing, but no one had ever accused them of being overly intelligent that's for sure.

"Nice hang out, boys" Jake accentuated the word '_boys_' and brushed right past them as Riley grabbed his bike.

Mike and Tyler were standing next to each other and I gave them both dirty looks. Tyler looked around and said "We were just leaving anyway".

"Oh, is everyone riding with you?" I asked Tyler as I got out my cell phone and acted like I was dialing while I mumbled "I hope Mike likes riding on your handlebars".

He raised his hand with his palm facing out towards me and said "There will be no further problems, Bella."

"Splendid" I said with a smile.

They walked away and indeed all got into Tyler's van. Jake and Riley just stared at me curiously with their mouths hanging open and I shrugged my shoulders.

"I had a conversation with Tyler earlier which was more me threatening him than anything else and then I smacked Mike in the face both of which happened after I berated Jessica in front of the entire lunchroom with the exception of Riley because he was still trapped in his locker. Then in the parking lot I came close to punching Jessica in the face for the second time today and I gave the ass clown posse my death stare. I think that about covers it so, if we're all caught up can we please leave because I can't stand to be here a second longer."

"It sounds like you had a very busy day, Bells" Jake said as he patted my head and laughed at me.

Riley didn't know what to think of the situation and he just stared as Jacob put his bike in the back of the truck with one hand and barely any effort.

We piled into my truck with me squished in the middle and sat there awkwardly as we drove to Riley's house. It was on our way out off town to Jake's so it wasn't a big deal.

Riley was eyeing the jumbled mess of wires that spilled out from where the radio had once sat.

"It was stolen." Jacob stated casually and I didn't have the energy to argue or even looked displeased. What did I care if Riley thought someone stole my radio anyway? Would I rather him know that I yanked it out in a fit of rage while I screamed obscenities about a wolf and a vampire. No, clearly Jacob knew what he was doing and I don't know why I still thought otherwise sometimes.

"You know Bella, you didn't have to try and save me like Edward -" I was scowling because that's not why I had done it and if he hadn't told me that story, it would have changed nothing, but he was quickly interrupted.

"She doesn't like to hear his name!" Jacob scolded him loudly. It was true, but I never told Jake that.

"Jake, stop it." I reprimanded him and he just stared ahead sheepishly.

"Don't mind him he's all bark and no bite" I smiled at my own joke and Jake glared at me out of the corner of his eye.

"He's just overprotective, you know like the little brother I never had." He made a face at the word brother, but I ignored him.

"Little?" Riley asked in a shocked voice.

"Well, in age not size."

"You're not older than Bella?" I started laughing.

'Please don't feed his ego he doesn't need it!" I was still laughing even though he did easily look several years older than me.

"I'm almost exactly 2 years younger than Bella. I turned sixteen 2 weeks after Bella turned eighteen."

"Yeah, I missed it." I mumbled and Jake whispered "that's ok" in my ear.

"Wow, I can't believe we're the same age."

"Well, maybe if you ate like a pig you'd be bigger too." I said jokingly knowing that that had nothing to do with it.

We drove down a long driveway to a small house that sat secluded behind the massive amount of trees we had passed. Jake got out first to get the bike, which I couldn't even believe his mom would make him ride so far, and I grabbed Riley's arm before he could get out of the truck.

"Um, Riley?"

"Yeah"

"There's a lot of big bears out in the woods you should be careful"

"I heard about that. They say they're responsible for all those missing campers." I nodded in agreement even though I knew it was false and my body shivered despite the heater that was directly in front of me.

"Just be careful, they're attracted to food so they might come near your house"

"Yeah, I guess you're right. You know I didn't have to worry about this stuff in Seattle. I can't wait to go visit my dad next weekend." I nodded and was glad that he'd be getting out of town for awhile.

"Hey, thanks Bella. I'll see you at school tomorrow"

"Ugh, if I go!" I buried my head in my hands thinking about the day I had. He just laughed and got out of the truck. He and Jake talked for a minute and then we were on our way back down the tree lined drive. I nuzzled up next to him and he let his arm drape around me as we drove to his house.

Today was horrible but being next to Jake really helped me calm down. He was warm and comforting and I was so glad to have him back. What would I do without him? I shuddered even thinking about it. I didn't want to go through that again.

He went to get out and I just looked up at him. He let out a loud sigh, but I knew he was joking and he promptly picked me and carried me to the house as I let me head rest against his chest.

"Bella I think you're getting too used to this. You're going to forget how to walk!" he accused me teasingly.

"That would be awful then you'd _have _to carry me."

"Like I don't have to now" he said with a chuckle.

We walked into the empty house since Billy was at a tribe council meeting and wouldn't be back until much later.

He headed straight back to his room, which was in complete disarray I might add, and he laid me on his bed. It wasn't made and I quickly burrowed my way under the covers.

"I just want to crawl into a hole." I mumbled under the blankets.

"I'll be right back, honey" Jake said as he turned to walk out.

I had navigated my way under the blankets and had my head poking out at the top just enough to get fresh air as I snuggled against the blankets cozily. They smelled like Jake and it was comforting. It wasn't as comforting as _my _grey shirt, but that was losing its smell, something I would have to deal with later. This was the next best thing. I cringed with guilt. Jake was a great guy he didn't deserve to be anybody's second choice or consolation prize, especially to someone like me I was broken and damaged maybe beyond repair. Why Jake wasted his time was beyond me, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't grateful for it.

Jakes voice was the opposite of the musical one of my dreams, but it was the real one of my everyday life now and I had grown to love it and find comfort in it. It was deep and strong and completely descriptive of its owner. That was Jacob strong and dependable and capable of saving me in many different ways.

When he was leaving the room and he spoke to me his voice was still strong and deep, and yet soft and gentle at the same time. He's never called me honey before but it sounded like it just came out without even a thought as it didn't sound forced, but like it had just flowed out naturally on its own. I liked it. It felt comfortable like sitting with Jake, holding his hand, or hugging him. Should it feel comfortable? It felt like I would never outgrow this guilt that shadowed over me.

I dozed off and awoke when the bed moved under Jake's weight as he laid down next to me. I looked up and saw him smiling down at me and I instantly smiled back.

"How long was I sleeping?"

"Only about 20 minutes"

"Oh" I said while rubbing my eyes.

"Bella, we need to talk" his voice was low and concerned and I instantly felt tears rolling down my cheeks.

"No, honey I'm so sorry." He gently stroked my hair back from my forehead repeatedly. I could tell he felt bad by the look on his face. "I'm not leaving you. I will keep my promise Bella it's just when I changed I thought everything changed, but…" I put my finger on his lips and looked at him concerned.

He gently grasped my hand and slowly moved it away from his mouth, but kept his hand wrapped around it. It was warm and felt nice like it always did.

"The bloodsucker is getting closer. She has gotten two more people and I have to go with the others to patrol."

I felt the blood drain from my face and I just sat there.

"This is the safest place for you to be. We will not let her get close to you. _I_ will not let her come near you." He said in a protective tone as he squeezed my hand just slightly harder as if he were accentuating each one of his words and their meaning.

"I will be back soon." He kissed my cheek and rushed out the door.

I laid there in his bed and with every passing second my fear increased. I could feel my heart begin to race and my breath quicken. I jumped out of bed knowing that I couldn't lie there any longer without driving myself crazy.

I had to keep myself busy or my mind would start to wander again. So I decided to be useful and clean up Jacob's room while he was out trying to protect me.

I took in the sight of the tornado aftermath that was Jacob's room and decided to start with the bed. After I finished making the bed I then moved to re-discover the floor. I put all of the dirty clothes in the hamper, threw away the trash, and almost filled the sink with the dirty dishes that Jake had been stock piling in his room. I considered doing his laundry, but then decided to do the dishes instead having concluded that Jake probably wouldn't appreciate me rifling through his soiled underpants or maybe that was me that wouldn't appreciate that.

I stood in front of the sink wearing an old apron I had found in the back of a drawer and was elbow deep in suds when I heard the front door swing open and immediately slam shut. I looked up to see Jake standing there with no shirt on just staring back at me.

"What's wrong Jake?"

I was starting to feel panicked when I saw Jacob shake his head as if to regain his concentration much like I sometimes did.

He walked up to me and put his arms around me and let out a deep sigh. He let go, but still stayed close in front of me.

"I was just caught off guard by how beautiful you look in my mom's apron."

"Oh, well I didn't realize that wolves have such poor eyesight" I joked uneasily as I took in the sight before me. I had never seen Jake without his shirt before and every well defined, tan muscle glistened with raindrops from his stomach up to his chest and on his arms. My eyes stopped when I reached his eyes which reflected the smile that was spread across his face.

"You know your kind of beautiful yourself" I said in a hushed voice.

"Now who has bad eyesight, Bella?" Jacob laughed at me as he hopped onto the counter next to the sink.

"I actually have fairly good news. We chased the parasite pretty far away and the rest of the pack is still on her trail. I will have to go run the perimeter in a little while to make sure that this area is still safe."

"That is good" I said in an even tone. It wasn't as good as her being dead, but it was much better than her having killed more innocent people.

We finished the dishes together as he began drying from his seat on the counter and we finished just in time for the stove to beep telling me it was pre-heated. I put the pan of food that I had prepared in the oven. It was just a mixture of various things that I thought would go fairly well with each other and I hoped it would turn out.

I was cleaning up and putting things back into the refrigerator when Jake got down from the counter easily as his feet really hadn't been that far from the floor.

"I'm going to go change" he said as he walked out of the room and I nodded as I continued with my task.

"Oh my gosh Bella!"

I dropped what was in my hand and ran into Jacob's room. He looked at me surprised as I stood there still shaken from his yelling.

"You cleaned my room?"

"Yeah I may have picked up a little" it was a gross understatement, but you know what they say about asking a stupid question.

"Bella, you didn't have to do that" he said sternly.

"I know that, but I wanted to"

"Well, thank you."

"You're welcome" I replied as I turned to walk out, but he grabbed each corner of the apron and tugged me closer.

"Bella, you've done enough you really should take a break."

"Actually, I've been doing a lot of thinking and I was about to go and get my cell phone out of my truck – there's some phone calls I need to make."

"Sure, I'll go get it for you."

I sat on the freshly made bed and waited for him to return. I'm sure it didn't take him long but I was too lost in thought – pre-meditation for the conversations that were about to take place – to really notice.

"Here you go" he said with a smile as he handed me my phone.

"Thanks"

"Would you like some privacy?"

I shrugged my shoulders I hadn't really accounted for an audience, but it was just Jacob and there really weren't any secrets I had from him so what would it matter.

"No, this really isn't a private conversation." I took a deep breath and exhaled it loudly before I scanned through the meager amount of numbers I had saved in my phone and pressed the button when I found the one I was looking for. It rang three times and if it had gotten passed the fourth I probably would have hung up.

"Hello"

"Hello, Mindy?" I wasn't really asking after all who else would be answering her cell phone so I continued without pause and recited the speech I had planned in my head. "It's Bella Swan I was just giving you a call because I haven't really been feeling well lately and I'm afraid it's affecting my performance. I really think it would be best if I resigned from my position on the squad."

I thought I may have heard a greeting maybe a "Oh, hello Bella", but I wasn't sure as I didn't stop until all of the words had been spoken. I had completely forgotten Jacob's presence in the room and only focused on the response that I was about to receive.

"Well, I completely understand. We have enjoyed your involvement with the squad, albeit short lived, and we will miss you."

I'm sure she thought she did understand completely, thinking that I was too distraught over my ill boyfriend to continue. After all, it was probably the main reason why I even made the squad to begin with and since I was caught up in this social politeness I added my nice words also.

"Thank you Mindy. I really had fun and I'm glad that I was a part of the squad." Maybe a small part of me was actually glad though.

"Would you like to make a recommendation for your successor?"

"Yes, Lauren Mallory." I said without hesitation.

"Ok, it's noted. Good luck in your future endeavors, Bella.'

"Thank you." I pushed the end button and a sigh of relief escaped my lips and I muttered "Ah, the world makes sense again."

I looked up to see Jacob and he just smiled. He didn't look disappointed at all, but I think I heard him say under his breath "at least I got my picture".

One down and one to go.

"Newton Olympic Outfitter's how can I help you?"

"Hello, Karen. It's Bella Swan."

"Hello, Bella is everything ok?"

"Well, that's actually why I'm calling and I apologize for not doing this in person, but it seems I am struggling a bit with my studies and I really need to focus all of my time on my school work. I've already quit cheerleader for the very same reason. I really appreciate the time I have worked with all of you and I would like you to consider this as my two weeks notice."

Well, it wasn't the very same reason I gave the cheerleading coach, but whatever.

"Oh, sure Bella we understand and I thank you for letting me know."

"Thank you Mrs. Newton, goodbye."

"Bella you quit your job?" Jacob asked in a shocked tone.

"Yes, I'm tired of working with Mike. It's just not healthy, you know always being around him and he's absolutely daft in his attempts, I seriously doubt he'll ever fully accept no for answer and realize I don't' want to go out with him. Besides I will get a job somewhere else, this semester is almost over and I'll just say that my grades improved especially without all this cheerleading nonsense to worry about."

I knew Jacob couldn't argue with my reasoning, he despised Mike and I knew it. _Thank goodness for teenage boy jealousy _I thought because it saved me from an argument, now I just have to worry about what Charlie would say.

I let the phone fall out of my hand and I fell backwards on the bed. Jake did the same on the side where he was sitting and there was still an ample amount of space in between us.

I felt a little better, a little more free.

"Well, I feel better now that that's done"

"That's good, Bella."

I rolled over and nuzzled against Jake's side. I was laying there for awhile when I felt a vibration and jumped back realizing that it was my phone that I had been laying on and I just looked at it oddly like I wasn't used to it actually receiving calls, because honestly I wasn't. When I showed no intention of picking it up Jake grabbed it and looked at the screen.

"Angela" he said aloud.

I grunted and rolled over.

"Hello"

"Oh, hi Jake. Is Bella around, I really need to talk to her." I could hear her voice as Jacob held the phone out a little. I wasn't sure if she was just talking loud or if my volume was up too high.

"She's actually resting right now. She had a difficult day today." He said carefully knowing that she would fully understand what he was saying.

"I know, I know, but I really need to talk to her. Just for a moment, please."

I turned around knowing that he wouldn't fair well with a begging Angela and he gave me a questioning look.

"Fine" I whispered and held out my hand.

"Ok Angela, but make it quick"

"Thanks" she said before he placed the phone in my waiting hand.

"Hey Angela. What do you need?" I asked dryly.

"Well, for starters I _need_ to know why you quit the squad. I'm really surprised and honestly a little hurt you didn't even talk to me about it first. You know there's no going back now. Yeah, your spot has been given to Lauren, which is how I know because I'm pretty sure she has called every person in her address book by now. Oh and your job, Bella? Really, what are you thinking you can't just go around quitting everything."

"Well, I am still enrolled in school if that makes you feel any better, _mom_."

I really didn't mean to sound so flippant, but I can only fight one urge at a time and if she didn't want hung up on then she would have to listen to my impulsive, offhanded responses.

"Bella" she said with concern and I continued with my intended response.

"I'm sorry I hurt your feelings it really wasn't my intention, but I quit the squad because I wanted to, no I needed to and I'm happy I did. It was a good experience, but it's just not for me and I'm glad that Lauren got my spot it makes a whole lot more sense and she probably should've gotten it in the first place. As far as my job I'm sure you can imagine the reasons why I don't want to work there anymore. I will find another job when I get my grades in order. I was not just going around quitting everything so if you have some funny idea that I've gone crazy and am preparing to run away or off myself or become a recluse or something I'm not. Thanks for your concern though, Angela."

"Sure Bella. Can I talk to Jake for a sec, please?"

I turned down the volume, not really caring what she had to say, and handed the phone to Jake.

He gave some short answers and I heard some affirmative responses including an "uh huh", a "yes", and a "sure, sure"

He hung up the phone and I heard him drop it to the floor with a thud. I rolled over and resumed my snuggled spot next to him, but I would have been foolish if I had thought that Jacob wouldn't have felt the tension that was throughout my body.

"Bella, it's ok she's just worried about you, you know because she cares."

"I know" I answered unenthusiastically.

"Then what's wrong?"

"I want to ask you a question." I said hesitantly.

"Ok Bella, you should know that you can ask me anything."

"Yes, well I want to ask you if you could do something for me or rather help me with something, but I would totally understand if you couldn't or didn't want to." He looked down at me impatiently.

"Just spit it out."

"Ok well, um…you know how the last time I was at the Cullens I got a bit…interrupted?"

"Yeah Bella, I think I do remember something about that." He said with a small laugh that I think he was trying to hold back.

"Well, will you please go back out there with me? I wasn't really finished and I actually left a window broken that I really should fix before further damaged is caused, but I just don't feel safe going alone –"

"Of course Bella, I will go with you just let me know when you want to go."

"How about Saturday?"

"Sure Bella, now why don't you get some rest."

"I'm not tired. Do you know what I want to do again?"

"Make pie?" he said cheerfully.

"No, listen to those CD's that was fun."

"Really? I'm glad you think so."

So we did we laid there for I don't know how long listening and laughing just as we had before.

**A/N - Ok, so there is it. I hope you liked it. But, hey wait what about that Latin quote? Oh ok, it means "Even a god finds it hard to love and be wise at the same time". Bella didn't concentrate on it too much and she probably won't because she has a lot of other things on her crazy mind.**

**I wanted to address our newest addition…Riley. This was not planned and the character just came about when I was writing one day and when it came time to name him 'Riley' just fit. So, the character is based on the original (not physical looks), but I thought it would be nice to get to know him better. **

**I know this chapter is long (like my notes, lol) but I would love to hear your thoughts, ideas, or questions. I can think of one question in particular that may have come up for you, about Jake, and I'm curious to see if anyone else picked up on it (although there is something small in there that can answer it) but if anything needs elaborated on let me know. I also love to hear what your fave parts are which reminds me the whole Bella quitting the squad was going to go differently, but it worked out this way instead. I still might type out the original version (because I like it so much) and send it to reviewers, its already handwritten anyway.**

**Reviews are better than being included in the reindeer games…absolutely!**


	16. Chapter 16 Turbulance

A/N - I love you guys so much that I'm updating again after only one day and it's not even 7 million words, lol. Thanks to everyone who reviewed last chapter I loved hearing your favorite parts and I hope I answered everyone's questions.

I love my beta and we're counting down 'til we see New Moon together!

Enjoy guys!!!

**Chapter 16**

**Turbulance**

**It was early Saturday morning and I sat at my desk finishing homework so I wouldn't have to worry about it the rest of the weekend.**

**I looked behind me at my empty bed and sighed. Sometimes, Jake would take a nap in the morning before he drove me to school and ran back to La Push, usually Embry was waiting near the school to run with him, but he had already left in the middle of the night after one of my screaming fits.**

**Jake always hears my screams from outside I either hear him howling in unison or he makes his way into my room either by window or door, depending on how much of a hurry he's in. The first time he heard my most panicked screams he rushed in so quickly that I was certain he would've burst through the window still in wolf form if he would have fit. **

**It was easy to calm down and fall back asleep knowing that Jake was there. It wasn't something I felt guilty for because I knew he wouldn't deprive me of what little comfort I had left. I also felt that no ill feelings came to Jacob either who was just fighting the same battle, so to speak, as **_**he**_** had. I shivered at the thought of the fight, at the thought of Jake facing the same thing, but hoped it would soon be over.**

**Jake had called a couple of hours ago to tell me that they had chased her for quite some time before she took off out of town and then they lost her when she dashed towards the city and hid herself among the people and tall buildings. **

**Everyone was back at the rez now knowing that she'd return, but also knowing they had some time for some must needed rest. **

**Today was the day we were supposed to go to the Cullens' but I didn't want to wake Jacob. I knew how hard he had been working and I've seen the fatigue in his eyes, on his whole face really. **

**I finished my homework and put everything from my desk away, leaving my backpack on the chair. I went down to the kitchen and made myself a sandwich for lunch and thought about my later planned trip. I decided that I wanted to leave flowers, but I had the poem stuck in my back pocket just in case.**

**After I had cleaned up the kitchen and made a grocery list I went to the store to pick up some food and a bouquet of flowers.**

**I stood in front of the meager floral department and looked back and forth in between the two bouquets I couldn't choose between. The sun flowers were rich in color and the middle was large to support the big petals that bloomed and reached out in bright brilliance. But, then I turned my head to the lilies that were tall and white almost completely void of color. I could relate to the sight as I remembered in the beginning I walked around in a daze like I was colorblind although I could still see colors, they were empty and dull like how my life felt, still did most of the time. Which brought my attention back to the sunflowers I studied their color and brightness which brought a smile to my face, they reminded me of Jake. The other flowers had petals that looked like they had been soaked in milk as I ran my fingers along the smooth flowers. They looked clean, but not clean, they looked pure. I couldn't choose between the two and I picked them both and placed them in the seat of my cart.**

**I got home and put all of the groceries away. I eyed the two sets of flowers on the table noticing how they were the opposite of each other, but loving them both for different reasons. I put the sunflowers in a vase of water in the middle of the table and left the lilies wrapped in the cellophane they came in and put them in water so they wouldn't wilt before I left.**

**I heard the door open and shut and Jake came walking into the kitchen. It wasn't anything unusual as Jake was in and out of here all the time.**

"**Bella" he said in a somewhat annoyed tone.**

"**What?" **

"**Why didn't you call me so we could go do that thing you wanted to do?" I smiled at him and at how he went out of his way to be vague around me.**

"**It's fine Jake. Despite what you believe you're not my personal body guard and you do need to sleep occasionally." he gave a defeated huff and sat down.**

"**These are nice" he said looking at the flowers.**

"**Yeah I know, I thought of you when I saw them. I was actually going to give them to you, but you're usually here so I just put them on the table." he nodded in agreement.**

"**Do you want me to make you a sandwich or something before we go?" I wasn't really asking since I already knew his answer and I had already started to make two large ham sandwiches, both for Jake, before he could even answer.**

*******

**I had my forehead on my knees and wouldn't look up the whole ride to **_**their**_** house. Even when the truck stopped I couldn't force myself to look up.**

"**You do plan on walking don't you Bella?" he tried to make it sound like a joke, but I think he was being partially serious. I nodded and grabbed the flowers I felt sitting next to me before I took a deep breath and got out of the truck. I walked slowly on the gravel listening to the crunch until I reached Jake and stopped. We walked the rest of the way to the porch together.**

"**Wow, you weren't kidding you really did break and enter, with a big emphasis on the break part." **

**I shrugged my shoulders and opened the door. We both stepped in and Jake made me wait there for him to make sure it was safe. **

**It was and he walked with me up the stairs and we both stood very still in front of **_**his**_** door. I looked up at him and he didn't look so well.**

"**Are you ok?"**

"**Yeah this place just creeps me out" I nodded seeing how a werewolf wouldn't want to be in a vampire's house, not even any humans would want to be here. Well, except for me that is.**

**My trembling hand opened the door and I saw Jacob's nose scrunch up and his face twist like he smelled something bad. I thought it smelled wonderful.**

"**I'm going to go get the stuff out of the truck and fix the window" he whispered in my ear and I nodded in agreement. **

**I rushed in and closed the door behind me. I wasted no time ripping the cover off the couch and curling up against the back letting the smell fill my nose. **

**I don't know how long I laid there but I noticed the sun was setting. I heard a quiet knock on the door.**

"**Bella, I'm done with the window."**

"**Ok, I'll be right out" without moving my face a moment before I absolutely had to I reached around to my back pocket and pulled out the poem and shoved it into the cushion of the couch. At least here I knew it wouldn't blow away.**

**Reluctantly I got up and re-covered the couch. I knew if I had asked Jake to carry it down for me he would and he would even put it in my room for me too, but it was just a couch. I kept telling myself that.**

**I opened the door and saw Jake standing by the stairs. He looked concerned, but then quickly smiled at me.**

"**Hey Jake, let's make sure everything is locked before we go out back." **

**We checked the other doors even though we didn't use them, but since we were unsure what Laurent had been doing here we wanted to make sure he didn't leave anything open. Everything was secure when we went out the front door.**

"**Oh, the window looks so good. Thanks, Jake!". He smiled at me and had his hand on the doorknob less than an inch away form closing it.**

"**Now, you're sure before I close this because I'm not replacing the window again" he chuckled.**

"**Sure, sure. Next time I'll just pick the lock." I replied jokingly.**

**Once we got outside we went straight to where I had planned to come this whole time. Since we had both been there we had no problem finding it. **

**I stood there and looked down.**

"**Bella, I'm going to make sure that nothing is around by the tree line. You know like last time." he said with a wink.**

**I nodded in agreement, but I knew he was trying to give me my privacy. I sat down and rubbed my hand over the stone that laid in the ground. I set the flowers on top of it which covered most of it. I thought of some happy times that we shared together and I smiled feeling grateful for the time we had spent together. I didn't let myself think of **_**him **_**very often and it was rather pleasant to have the nice images in my head for once. I whispered "I love you, always" and then stood up. **

"**Jacob, I'm ready to go!" I yelled not knowing how far he had gone.**

**I stood there looking down waiting for Jake to come back. I didn't even hear his approach but instantly noticed when he stood next to me. He began rubbing his hand up and down my back in a comforting way.**

"**Bella, can I ask you something? You can tell me no, you probably should tell me no." **

"**Jake you can ask me anything" I knew I could ask him anything so why should he feel any different.**

"**Well, you know that **_**he**_** isn't actually here right?" he asked pointing towards the stone. **

"**Yeah, I knew that. Well, I assumed as much at least."**

"**Ok, good." he was relieved that he wasn't the one that broke the bad news to me, but he was right in thinking that I should know the truth. Maybe Jake knew where **_**he**_** actually was.**

"**Jake, how did you know?" **

"**I know his scent and it's not here. Well it was on the stone a little, but maybe that was from the day you were here in his shirt." **

**I was taken aback a little by that, but composed myself and nodded.**

"**We can go now." **

**I could feel him looking at me and I looked up to see him surveying my expression. "I can still walk on my own, Jake." I shook my head at him for worrying about me and decided he should be worrying about something else.**

"**If we don't hurry you're gonna have a late dinner"**

"**Well, in that case I might just pick you up and run with you all the way to the truck." he said laughing.**

**Charlie was home when we got there, but he didn't say much. He was never very questioning when it came to Jake.**

**When dinner was over we put on our show like we did most nights. **

"**Ok dad, I'm taking Jacob home."**

"**Ok, I'll see you when you get back. Goodnight Jake."**

**I drove down to the grocery store and when Jake got back from getting us both a can of soda from the vending machine we just sat there watching the clock.**

"**So Bells, I'm really proud of you." **

"**Yeah, what for not spilling soda all over myself?" he sounded really serious, but I had no clue what he was talking about.**

"**I just think you did really well today. I was worried about how you'd react, but you seemed to have handled it in a positive way…you know what I mean…a healing kind of way." **

**I shrugged my shoulders I hated to hear how others think I should handle things or how they thought I was handling things, but this was Jake. He had seen more hysterical breakdowns than I'd care to admit, he's picked me up and dusted me off when I've fallen, and has been there for me throughout most of this. He deserved to give his opinion.**

"**Thanks Jake, I'm trying really hard." I said in a shaken tone. **

**I sat my pop can next to his on the dash board and laid my head his chest.**

"**You know we could listen to music right now if someone hadn't ripped out the radio."**

"**Whatever, music is overrated." **

"**How about movies? Are movies overrated too?"**

"**I guess not. We watch movies together all the time."**

"**Not at the theatre."**

"**No, not at the theatre, but what's the difference?"**

"**About 5 million inches of screen and the popcorn is way better, no offense Bella."**

"**None taken. If you want to go see a movie then we'll go see a movie." This wasn't like Mike's almost daily attempt to get me in the dark so he could try to feel me up and I knew I didn't even have to clarify no lovey dovey romance movies since Jake would never choose something like that anyway.**

**My head was still on his chest near his shoulder when I started hiccupping. He laughed at me and looked down just as I was looking up. Did we always have to end up with our mouths two inches away from each other? Apparently, we do. **

**He started moving a little closer and I was frozen and I could feel my heartbeat quicken. I still wasn't sure about this, but he moved his head to the side and leaned it against the seat as he stroked the back of my hair. I was still shaking a little from coming so close.**

"**It's ok Bella, I'm nervous too. You know I've never kissed a girl before, but there's really nothing to be nervous about."**

"**Just because I've never kissed a wolf before doesn't mean I'm nervous to or that I even want to."**

"**You can tell yourself that Bella, if it makes you feel better, but I know you do."**

**I was sitting up now and not enjoying being told what I wanted or didn't want to do.**

"**Bella, I love you."**

"**I know" I whispered back.**

"**Do you feel the same?"**

"**I don't know. Why don't you tell me since you seem to be the expert on **_**my**_** feelings?"**

"**Bella, I'm being serious." **

**He could see the panicked look on my face and I didn't know what to say.**

"**I care about you Jake. I don't know what to say. If I could love someone again I can't imagine it being anyone else, but you."**

"**I guess that's good." he said unenthusiastically.**

"**Well, I don't know what you want from me!" I almost shouted.**

"**I just want you to be happy, Bella! Is that really so bad!? But if you really think that there's no one else, besides a lying bloodsucker, for you in this hell then fine you can bide your time alone!"**

**My mouth fell open and tears streamed down my cheeks. He looked sorry like he regretted the words as soon as they came out, but that didn't take away the sting they left on my already burning heart.**

"**Get out" I whispered, but he didn't move. "Get out!" I shouted. He moved towards the door and turned to look at me once more and I just pointed to the door and he knew that no words would help him as he got out and disappeared into the rainy night.**

**I started the truck and took off turning too quickly in the parking lot and spilling both cans of pop all over myself. It was just my luck that Jake didn't pick something like Sprite, oh no it was cola and it was all over me.**

**I pulled up to the house and walked in. My luck continued as it had stopped raining and I walked in soaked.**

"**Why are you all wet? Were you in the rain?"**

"**No, it's soda and I don't want to talk about it."**

**My dad looked confused for a moment and then decided that he'd rather not know. I got **_**my**_** grey t-shirt that I hadn't worn in a while and the sweat pants that matched it and went straight to the bathroom to take a shower.**

**After I was ready for bed I double checked the window and the door to make sure they were both securely locked and went to bed. If I wasn't so angry I'd be really sad, but I slept better when I was angry so I stuck with that. I could hear the rain outside was coming down strong and I hoped that Jake was enjoying himself. I usually felt bad for him being out in the weather all the time, but not tonight. Maybe tonight he could make better use of his time rather than eavesdropping on me.**

**JPOV**

I can't believe I said that to her. I'm such an asshole.

"_Yeah you are, but we already knew that!"_

"_Paul, why don't you go lick yourself or whatever it is you do when your in wolf form since we both know it's not catch bloodsuckers!"_

We would have had her last time if Paul would have been paying attention and not showing off.

"_Whatever, I was paying attention to something more than Bella crying for her leach boyfriend!" _

We were both growling at each other until Sam stepped into the middle.

"_Paul, you go to the southern part of the forest and Jacob why don't you go apologize or something so you can be useful again."_

"_I would if I didn't think she would shoot me with a silver bullet at the first sight of me." _I said sarcastically.

"_A sliver bullet will be like a flea bite compared to the bloodsucker's teeth we've felt."_

"_I knew you had fleas!" _Embry chimed in laughing his fool head off.

"_Embry!" _we both yelled.

"_What? Am I the only one who can't say stupid stuff?" _

"_Yes, It seems that Paul has cornered the market of stupidity." _I answered still angry at Paul's constant hatred towards Bella.

I left as Sam instructed and sat in Bella's tree. I could hear her steady breathing and knew she was sleeping. I didn't want to wake not that I really wanted to talk to her yet anyway, I knew she was still angry. I could see that the window was locked and she never locked the window. I thought about the conversation that Sam and I had this morning…the catalyst for this stupid fight and all the insensitive things I said.

_We were walking home, the others were already gone and we were both phased back into human form. When we were almost to my house I turned to him to ask if I could talk about all the things I had been trying so hard to keep from everyone._

"_Sam, do you have a minute to talk?"_

"_Sure Jake, what's up?"_

"_I'm confused about Bella, well I'm confused about a lot of things."_

"_About Bella?"_

"_I feel like I've imprinted on her, but - "_

"_There is no buts you either do or you don't and if you did you would know it there would be no question."_

"_I know that, this isn't a question about whether I have or not, I know I haven't." I was getting irritated by Sam, he thought he was the imprinting expert since he was the only one in the pack that had experienced it for himself._

"_I'm sorry Jake. I can tell you feel very strongly for her. If I didn't know any better I would think you had imprinted on her, but there's nothing wrong with just loving someone." _

_I think Leah would beg to differ with that one, but I wasn't going to argue about this with Sam, I knew all too well how guilty Sam felt for what happened when he imprinted on Emily._

"_But, that's it. It feels like 'almost' like something held it back…like she stopped it from happening. I don't know Sam, it's frustrating."_

"_I don't think someone can stop if from happening."_

"_I wouldn't think someone could do a lot of things, but then there's Bella." I said with a chuckle. He laughed as he nodded in agreement._

"_Sam, that's not it though, I have a weird feeling about her leach."_

"_About Edward?"_

"_Yes"_

"_You don't think that someone from a large coven that could take down the male vamp would have been defeated by the redhead?" I shook my head and wondered if he felt the same doubt that I did. "Jake, in fights there are losses from time to time and those losses don't always make sense. It's just the price of doing battle."_

"_I know Sam, but that's not all and I think you know it." he eyed me suspiciously so I continued. "Where was he burnt? We have found no place where that would've happened. The fight occurred outside Bella's house and we have seen no indication of a fire around there. Then the other night I found a piece of paper with a Latin phrase written on it. When I asked Bella about it she said that she read it in one of Edward's journals, she swiped it out of my hand, and threw it away, but when she was sleeping I googled it. Do you know what it meant? "Even a god finds it hard to love and be wise at the same time_" What kind of condescending bullshit is that? There's even a fake tombstone thing in their yard with his stupid scent on it.

"_So what are you saying Jake that he's not really dead?"_

"_Not any more dead than he was the day Bella first met him"_

"_Jake I think your sleep deprived."_

"_No, maybe your sleep deprived. I can't believe you can't see it."_

"_Jake, you know how fast that bloodsucker is she could have had him the better part of the way to Canada before the Cullens got there and we wouldn't know it. And the Latin phrase could mean anything - "_

"_Well, if it could mean anything then I say it means that he left her ass and he's not dead."_

"_Jake you can think what you like, but you will not bring up your theory to Bella do you understand. I don't think she could handle it."_

"_You don't think I know that!" I shot back at him._

"_Of course you do. I just don't want you doing anything stupid." he started to walk away, but then turned around. "Jake, she does love you she just needs time."_

"_Thanks Sam."_

I let out a big sigh at the end of my memory. What the hell did either one of us know we were sleep deprived. More importantly what did I know, I shouldn't have pushed her so soon, I just couldn't help it. I wanted her to love me as much as I love her so badly it hurt sometimes. The wind blew passed my face and I could smell it, it was _her, _she was back.

I jumped out of the tree and was phased before I hit the ground. I took off running into the trees and I listened to the directions that Sam was trying to give me.

**BPOV**

I had been laying in bed for awhile and I was becoming less angry and more sad the longer I went without seeing Jake.

He hadn't even tried to come in, that I know of, and every time I called his house Billy told me he was gone, but I didn't believe him anymore.

I looked at the clock and it was after eleven. My dad had left for work hours ago and I can't believe I spent all morning laying here. I threw my coat and shoes on and ran to my truck.

I didn't know where else to go to feel better. So here I was sitting in front of the stone, Edward's stone, like I did yesterday. The flowers were still here but they were no longer the same pure white they were yesterday. It was the oddest thing. The tips and turned a blood red it went along the edge of every flower and it was rather eerie. I reached out my finger to trace it when I heard a noise.

It was laughter, evil cackling laughter. It chilled me straight to the core because I knew who it was.

"I don't care kill me too you bitch. I no longer fear death, I actually welcome it, a release from the pain of living."

And then there she was in one of the tall trees, near the top, as she shouted down at me.

"Oh, silly human, if you think living is painful you have a rude awakening coming."

I studied her face as she spoke and she looked horrible. I don't mean scary or cruel, which she looked to be those things too, but she looked nothing like the first time I saw her, in the field with James…her mate. She now looked empty and grief stricken, she now looked like me…or I looked like her…either way it was disturbing and the words just fell out of my mouth.

"I'm sorry" I wasn't really sorry, but I felt pity for anyone that felt the same pain that I did and I remembered thinking I couldn't last forever with the pain I felt and at least I could take some solace that I didn't have to, if Victoria had her way, I wouldn't live to see tomorrow.

"I know how you feel now and I don't care what you do." she looked extremely confused, but only for a split second before she leapt from the branch and dove towards me.

I stumbled backwards in a feeble attempt to get away, just a natural reaction of self preservation, but as I did I fell on my back. When I opened my eyes the giant, russet wolf was leaping over me. I turned my head following him and saw Victoria clenched in between his jaws. He pinned her up against a tree and I heard him whimper I ran over there and stayed at his side away from her reach.

I whispered in his ear "I missed you, Jake".

"I guess Edward leaving wasn't so bad for you." that was all I heard before the cracking sound of her neck against Jacob's teeth filled my ears. I leaned forward and spat in her face. I could hear the other wolves coming so I quickly ran back towards the house, but I sat on the ground where I could still watch what they were doing to her.

I could even hear the sounds of them tearing her piece by piece. I couldn't see much because the large wolves made it impossible, but when they moved I could see a huge fire with purple smoke drifting towards the sky like a serpent. I'm not sure how they set the fire, but I didn't really care…it was over.

The smell filled the air and it was the most horrible stench I had ever come across yet it was the best all at the same time. It seemed like everything was handled and the other wolves walked back to the forest, but Jake walked towards me.

His teeth were showing but not in a menacing way, it was more like a smile, as his tongue hung out of the side of his mouth.

"Don't you dare lick me, I know where your mouth has been." I pointed my finger at him as I spoke in a fake, stern tone.

He sat next to me and then curled up laying on his side. I scooted over so I could lean against him. I curled my fingers in his fur and we watched her burn until the once fiery heap was nothing more than a small pile of smoldering ash.

I let out a sigh and Jacob whimpered a little. I stood up and brushed the leaves off my pants. Jake did the same and shook back and forth to get the leaves out of his fur. He looked at me and looked back to the forest a few times while he made some whining sounds. I studied his face until I guessed what he was saying.

"Ok, I'll wait here for you." He nodded his head and took off quickly into the trees. I heard a howl a moment later and I sat back down to wait. It wasn't as warm with Jake here and I shivered a little.

He came back with that same goofy smile spread across his face, only difference was that his tongue wasn't hanging out the side of his mouth.

He wrapped his arms around me and picked me up.

"I - can't - breathe" I managed to spit out.

"I'm sorry Bella."

"That's ok" I choked out, catching my breath.

"No, that's not what I meant. I'm really sorry for the other night."

"I know. I am too."

***

Charlie wasn't home yet and we were laying on my bed.

"Jake?"

"Yeah"

"What do you think Victoria meant by what she said?"

"What do you mean?"

"She said 'I guess Edward leaving wasn't so bad for you' what do you think she meant by that?"

"That's not what she said. She said Edward 'dying'."

"No, she didn't she said 'leaving' Jake, I heard her."

"Bella how would that make any sense? Her throat was in my mouth and I heard her too, she said 'dying'."

"Yeah, I guess that wouldn't make any sense. I was really upset" I concluded.

"Bella, do you want to go see that movie next weekend?"

"Yeah, just don't try any of your slick wolf moves on me or at least get Sprite this time" I mumbled with my face pressed against his shirt.

"Hey Jake?" I asked looking up at his face.

"Yeah"

"Do you and Billy have plans for Thanksgiving?"

"My only plan is eating a whole turkey"

"Great. You want to do that eating here?"

"Of course I do"

"Good, I'll buy an extra turkey" and Jacob wrapped his arms tighter around me.

I fell asleep thinking about what to cook for Thanksgiving and what movie we would go see and how maybe I could start driving myself to school again tomorrow.

The nightmare didn't come, the noises didn't come, and the voices didn't come. I just slept.

**A/N **- **Yeah, I may have stolen a few words from Interview with the Vampire I couldn't help it, lol.**

**I hope everyone enjoyed this chapter and the super quick update. I can't wait to hear what you guys think! **

**Please review, you're reviews are my own personal brand of heroin, lol!**


	17. Chapter 17 Realizations

**Disclaimer - Stephenie Meyer owns everything Twilight.**

**A/N - I seriously love my readers please love me back and review, lol. **

**Thanks for the encouragement from my constant reviewers twilightsgrace23, MArmas616, Vegasjellyfish and newer ones Auroraluna and preciousfairymom80. **

**As always big thanks to my beta lulu who is constantly helping me with fictional dilemmas when I'm sure she has better things to do (like looking for inappropriate Rob pics on the internet!) lol.**

Chapter 17

Realization

"Ow Jake! Pull it out!"

"I'm trying, but you won't hold still"

"Because it hurts, hurry up!" I tried to focus on something else without much luck. "This is your fault anyway." I grumbled under my breath.

"It was you're idea, Bella"

"Yeah, well I thought it would be fun I didn't think it would turn out like this!"

"Next, time I won't let you talk me into doing stuff like this with you."

"Whatever, you wanted to as much as I did…OW!"

"There, it's out."

"Finally" I mumbled looking at the big piece of wood that had gotten lodged in my hand.

We were sitting in the snow, but I couldn't feel the cold past the throbbing in my hand. I was completely bundled and Jake was partially covered in winter wear just so Charlie would stop saying he would catch pneumonia. Blood started gushing out of my hand as soon as the large splinter was removed and I could see red splatters on the white snow. My nose was cold so I didn't smell much, but I started to feel woozy.

"Bella, honey, don't pass out" it sounded like a whisper, but I don't think it was.

I fell back in the soft snow and just laid there. I could hear ringing in my ears and it took me a minute to realize that Jacob was examining my hand.

"It's bleeding pretty badly" he said as he wrapped his scarf around it.

"I'm sorry" I mumbled.

"You're sorry for bleeding or you're sorry for breaking my sled?"

"Both?"

"You are so weird sometimes"

"Did I really break your sled?"

"No, I don't think so but I have to find it first"

"Well, if your steering was better it might still be under us where it should be." I said teasing him, but I had already realized that we had hit some ice and it wasn't really his fault. It really didn't matter how much I teased him because I knew he wouldn't bring me sledding again anyway. He had already been opposed to it with my safety in mind and it had taken begging, puppy dog eyes, and me telling him that I had never been sledding before, since there is no sledding in the desert, to convince him to bring me in the first place. It was the last one that had gotten his attention. I told him that it looked like fun and I didn't want to go by myself, I don't know if he was afraid I would go alone or if he just thought he could keep me safe, but the next thing I knew we were leaving his house with his sled in the back of my truck.

He got up and started to walk away to look for the sled and I couldn't help myself. I picked up a handful of snow with my good hand and lobbed it at him. Surprisingly I actually hit him in the back of the head. He turned around and gave me a fake, angry look and pointed at me.

"You're lucky you're injured or I would so clobber you with snow."

I shrugged my shoulders looking kind of pitiful and he continued to show me mercy as he turned around to walk away, but I did it again. The snowball hit the exact same spot and he turned back around in a fast motion picking up snow as he yelled.

"That's it you're gonna get it!"

I squealed as I rolled over to get up, but it was no use. He grabbed me around the waist and pulled me down with him. He shoved some snow in my face and I managed to drop some on his head.

Eventually we just gave up and laid there laughing. The snow on Jacob's face instantly started melting as soon as it touched his skin and he now had beads of water on his face and across his lips.

I took my other glove off and brought my finger up to his mouth and brushed the water off, slowly moving my finger across the top and then made my way to the bottom lip.

Jake didn't move, but I could see in his eyes that he wanted to. Since that night in my truck he never tried to kiss me or said he loved me again, but the truth was he never had to tell me, his actions told me every day.

Our eyes were locked until a small whimper came out of my mouth. There was a shooting pain in my hand that made me wince.

In all of one second he swooped me up and started walking back to the truck where he gently put me in the passenger seat.

"You sit here and I'm going to go get the sled now that there's no one to attack me with snowballs." he gave me a teasing smile.

His warm hand moved some wet hair off my forehead before kissing it and then he ran back down the hill.

***

"Marshmallows or whipped cream?"

"Both"

"Ok, but would you like some hot chocolate with those whipped cream marshmallows?"

"Whatever, Bella" he said laughing as he dabbed a bit of whipped cream onto the tip of my nose.

I took one of the marshmallows and threw it at him which he gracefully caught in his mouth.

"That's so much better than snow, throw as many as you'd like." he said with his mouth full of marshmallow.

We had changed out of our wet clothes as soon as we got to my house. Jake wasn't cold like I was but he couldn't drip water all over the place either. This wasn't something new and Jake had been keeping extra clothes here for awhile. We were always getting wet or muddy or sometimes he would stay the night either falling asleep while consoling me or coming in for a nap after patrol. Once he even had a mishap during phasing that left him with no clothes and I was awakened by a howling Jacob outside my window. When I stuck my head out, still half asleep, he was whining and whimpering pacing around in circles and I don't know how I ever guessed what he wanted but I did. I threw down some clothes and watched him snatch them up in his mouth and run off into the trees. I was just glad that I had woke up and figured it out before the whole neighborhood, or more specifically Charlie, was out there wondering what was going on.

We took our hot chocolate to the couch, I grabbed a blanket, and curled up next to him.

"Do you want to watch a Christmas movie?" I asked flipping through the TV Guide. He was peeking over my shoulder trying to read it without snatching it out of my hands like he usually did.

"The Grinch!" we both shouted and I grabbed the remote to turn it on.

We sat there watching How the Grinch Stole Christmas, the animated one not the freaky weird one, and when it was almost over my phone rang.

"Hi, dad"

"No, we can wait for you."

"Then we'll just go another day."

"I don't mind waiting"

"Fine Dad, I'll see you when you get home." I hung up the phone and tossed it on the table.

"What's wrong, Bells?"

"Charlie has to work and can't make it to the tree lot" I said with a pout.

"So, we'll go tomorrow or something."

"That's what I said but he insisted that we go without him."

"Why?"

"I don't know. I guess because I've been bugging him since Friday and he said he didn't want all the good trees to be gone, but I'm sure everyone would live and there would still be trees tomorrow. I think he's just trying to be nice." I added with a mumble.

"We can just not go and wait anyway."

"Yeah, I thought about it, but I think Charlie would be just as happy if he came home and the tree was already decorated. I honestly don't know how long it's been since he's had a tree up, probably the last time I spent a Christmas here…and that's been awhile"

When the movie was over, and the Grinch's heart had grown ten times that day, I grabbed some money out of the emergency jar, like Charlie told me to, and we were on our way to the tree lot.

It took us nearly as long to untangle all the lights as it had to pick the tree and put it up in the living room.

"I really hope you don't plan on stringing popcorn or something because I'll probably just eat it all." Jake's words made me start laughing instantly.

"Jake, it's not 1953 we're not going to string popcorn.' I was still laughing at him but he didn't look amused.

"Well, some people do."

"Yeah, on TV…from the 50's" I was still laughing but Jake just gave me an annoyed look.

I held up the lights I just finished untangling in hopes of changing the subject. "Look we're done, we can finally put these on the tree!"

My diversion was successful and we worked hard putting the lights and all the decorations on the tree. I was surprised at all the ones I had made in school that my dad still had and Jacob had a good laugh at one of them that featured a toothless picture of me from the 1st grade.

We had ordered a pizza and were sitting on the floor in front of the tree eating when Charlie got home. The only lights that were on in the living room were the multi-colored ones on the tree and it made everything look cheerful in its glow.

"Hey dad!" I said happily as I threw my arms around him. He was a little taken aback by my affection as it wasn't something that we felt the need to show everyday, but he returned the gesture wholeheartedly.

"This looks great guys!" he exclaimed with wide eyes as he took in the sight of the tree.

"Come eat pizza with us dad"

After we ate and got all the empty boxes put back into the attic Charlie had insisted on taking pictures in front of the tree. I agreed and thought it would be a good picture to send Renee since she was always bugging me about what Jake looked like anyway. It wasn't like I was going to make Christmas cards out of them or anything I was just going to send one to her.

Thanksgiving was only a few days ago, but it was a tradition to put up the Christmas tree the day after. This was only because I had fought to make it a tradition with Renee because it motivated her to help put the tree up sometime sooner than Easter. Of course in Phoenix we had always had a fake tree, but this year I was excited to have a real one. I knew it went against everything that Jake had been taught about preservation, just chopping down a tree to hang shiny stuff on for a few weeks and then throwing it in the trash, but he never said anything and I'm pretty sure he would have murdered a whole forest if I asked him to do so.

Jacob was standing in front of the opened fridge pouting because there weren't any more leftovers and I started laughing at him.

"Jake, when you eat everything in sight it really eliminates the chance of any leftovers"

"I know, but it was so good. Maybe you can cook Thanksgiving dinner more than once a year." He said hopefully.

"Well, there's always Christmas dinner." I said to him smiling.

"Really?"

"Yeah Jake, we eat dinner on Christmas too" I was laughing while I pulled some stuff out of the fridge to make him a snack.

"No, I meant we're spending Christmas together too?"

"Oh, I guess I just assumed, but if you have other plans that's cool."

"Yeah, my plans consist of _so_ many other people." He said jokingly.

It was true we were almost inseparable. I was afraid that after Victoria was destroyed that he wouldn't be here as much or that he would have to do other pack stuff, but not much had changed.

"Bella, will you make those evil eggs again?" I looked at him puzzled until I realized what he was talking about.

"Oh, the deviled eggs, sure, I'll make a lot more this time now that I know how much you like them" which translated into _now that I know you can eat a dozen in one sitting_.

He and his father don't do much cooking so I liked cooking for Jake and goodness knows how much he liked it.

We sat at the table and I watched him scarf down the macaroni and cheese I made him.

"Maybe we can go to Port Angles sometime to do some Christmas shopping. I need to get something for Charlie and Renee and I don't want to wait until the last minute." He eyed me curiously. "Yeah and you too, but I'm not getting it when you're with me."

"You don't have to get me anything Bella, but we're taking my car your truck is way too slow"

"Sure, Jake"

When we went to the movies he complained the majority of the way there that my truck was too slow until I got him to talk about something else and it finally got his mind off of it. It was actually fun when we went. Jacob got the biggest tub of popcorn, with extra butter of course, and we sat in the back watching some war movie. There was no romantic sub-plot it was just shooting and explosions, the regular kind of stuff we watched together.

We held hands like we normally did and when the battlefield got particularly gruesome I hid my head in Jacob's shirt. To which he responded that I had seen worse, and while I knew that was true, I shrugged my shoulders knowing it wasn't the same.

There was never a discussion about what we 'were' we were just Jake and Bella. We enjoyed being together and therefore were together pretty much all the time.

I started thinking about the Monday after the dark cloud was gone, as I called it referring to the death of Victoria, I was in fact not allowed to drive myself to school, but I did gain my privileges back from that day forward.

Jake parked my truck in my unofficial spot in the school parking lot (because the first time he tried parking somewhere else I started freaking out) and after he hugged me goodbye on the sidewalk he started walking away towards the trees.

That's when we heard Riley's voice as he ran up to us.

"Hey Jake! It's good seeing you again." Riley greeted him and I didn't think much of it since I thought he was talking about the time we had driven him home, but Jake had a panicked look on his face.

"You know she never did come back" he said sadly and then looked back up to Jake who just shrugged his shoulders and told us he had to be on his way to school.

Riley and I walked up to the building together and I was curious to find out what he was talking about.

"So, you saw Jacob?"

"Yeah sure, he didn't tell you? I saw him Saturday night in Seattle. I was at my dad's and I couldn't sleep so I was walking around when I met this girl in the park. She was beautiful with fiery red hair. I mean I hate _my_ red hair, but hers was beautiful. The way it fell against her pale skin made her look like an angel in the moonlight"

I was shocked to hear this, I knew who this mystery girl was and she was in fact no angel, quite the opposite actually. Although it was a bit disturbing to hear that someone could think of Victoria as beautiful or angelic, when I only thought of her as hideous and evil, I was most bothered by the fact that she had been so close to him.

"We were going to go walk on the trails together, but then Jake showed up and when I turned around she was gone. It was late and I was surprised to see Jake there, but he told me that him and his friends have fake IDs and went to a bar and they were just getting some fresh air before they headed home. Oh shit! I hope I didn't just get him in trouble? Please, don't tell him I told you." He pleaded.

"Riley don't be silly of course he told me he went to Seattle he just forgot to mention that he saw you." He seemed to relax a little but then I saw him start to worry about the girl again. "Did she tell you her name? Was it Victoria?"

"Yeah, Vicki. She said her name was Vicki. You know her?"

"Yeah I do and I know why she ran away from Jake. You should be glad too." He looked beyond confused so I continued. "She used to date one of his friends and she was a real bitch, gave the poor kid VD too, so you should be thankful that he showed up at just the right time." I was smiling at him, but he was just looking at me trying to take in everything I had just said about his dream girl.

"Riley, you need a nice girl let me introduce you to my friend" I said having just seen the girl from cheerleading tryouts get out of her sister's car. I hoped I had her name right since I had just claimed to be her friend and I shouted in her direction.

"Hey Jamie!" I waved her over and she looked a little surprised, but eagerly made her way over to us anyway. She was a cute girl, slightly shorter than me with brown hair that didn't go much further than her chin. Her hair was really thick and it looked cute in the ponytail she was wearing it in even though she must've barely had enough to be able to pull it back. She greeted us with a smile and I saw her hazel eyes sparkle when she looked at Riley and when she laughed at something I didn't even hear him say her nose crinkled making the little freckles that were sprinkled across her nose and cheeks scrunch up.

"Riley this is my friend Jamie and Jamie this is my friend Riley" I had never spoken a word to this girl, but even as socially delayed as I was, I knew that there was no freshman alive that would ever deny being a friend with a senior.

They smiled at each other and started talking about the book Jamie was holding. It was a music book and it turned out that she played the flute, has taken lessons since she was like 4, and Riley plays the flute in the band. I was also perceptive enough to know when I was no longer needed.

"Oh, I have to get to the other building I'll see you guys later." I waved as I quickly walked away.

I was brought back to reality by the slurping of Jake trying to drink milk from an obviously empty glass.

"Jake would you like more milk?" I asked him as I was already half way to the refrigerator to get the carton.

He didn't even answer he just held his glass out and smiled.

Tonight I drove Jake home for real since we both had school in the morning and I was determined, now that the homicidal vamp was taken care of, that Jake would get more sleep, but I don't think he ever really relinquished his role of personal bodyguard.

Monday morning was just like most other mornings as I got up to go to school. My phone rang and I knew who it was, not because I'm psychic, but because there's generally only one person who ever calls me.

"Good morning Jake!" I said with a yawn.

"Hey, I'm just checking in with you. How's your hand?"

"Fine, sore but I've had worse."

"I know, I know." He said it like he didn't really want to think about all my near death experiences and he quickly changed the subject "So Bella, I was wondering if you wanted to go to Port Angles today after school so we can try to avoid the weekend crowds."

"Yeah, that's a good idea. Just meet me at my house after school so I can leave my truck."

"Good, I'm glad you didn't forget that part." he said with a laugh.

"Ok, see you later."

I didn't get to school that early anymore and I even sometimes talked to people before I went to class.

After the whole angry lashing out day, or 'Black Monday' as Jake had dubbed it, everything pretty much went back to normal. Well, not normal, but how it was before that day.

Mike said he was sorry for saying such rude things and that he wouldn't work the same shift as me if I wanted to keep my job, but I assured him that I only quit because of my grades. Angela got over me quitting the squad relatively quick and Jake and I promised to go to the first basketball game of the season to show our support. Her and Ben had become pretty serious and she asked if we wanted to go on a double date with them. That sounded very awkward since Jake and I weren't dating, but I told her maybe. Jessica, well she was still Jessica, but we were cordial. She mostly hung out with Lauren now and I was glad that both of them basically ignored me. Tyler left Riley alone and tried to be nice to me on a daily basis, but honestly I was still pissed about what he said at the party and although it wasn't like me to hold grudges, I did.

I didn't really let it show and I came to the conclusion that it wasn't really the fact that he said it that pissed me off, but the fact that it was true. It made me angrier than hell to know that at one time all my nights, an eternity of nights, were promised to be spent with my true love, and now…

It made me so angry in fact that several times after Victoria was gone I went out to the Cullens' just to sit by the stone and scream my head off. I think her being gone had a lot to do with it too. For months I was caught up in my rage for her and spent far too much energy wishing her dead. When it came true I had no outlet for the anger and I turned it to the one who actually left me.

I knew he was nowhere near that stupid stone, but it was the closest thing I had so I knelt there and screamed at the top of my lungs 'How could you leave me here alone!' and 'If you loved me you wouldn't have let this happen!'. I don't even know everything I had yelled when I went out there, but I know there was a lot of it and a lot of profanities thrown in there too.

For awhile it became a necessary thing for me to go out there and scream my fool head off just to release the tension and the anger, but then finally it seemed that I had said everything I needed to say, several times over, and the last time I had gone out there I had screamed the longest out of all the times . When I was finished I was soaked, as it warmed up just enough to not be snowing, but was still chilly and I was shivering. I was wet, shaking, exhausted…done...purged of the rage that was eating me up inside or as rid of it as I could be. Since that day I haven't been back out there, but I haven't had a reason either.

I slammed my locker shut and turned around when I heard my name being yelled.

"Bella! Bella!"

"Oh, hi Jamie"

"So, we'll meet you at the usual spot?"

"Yep" where the hell else would I be? Well, besides the office. It had become our regular routine to eat together in the stairwell.

Sometimes they would eat in the lunchroom which was fine with me, I needed no company in being an outcast, I'm pretty sure that defeated the purpose, but the company wasn't bad. Riley was like me, he didn't care to be around people because we really didn't feel like we belonged with most of them, but Jamie was friendly and popular. She wasn't homecoming queen popular, but still nowhere close to our status. She thought it was fun and sneaky to eat lunch alone. As long as we didn't get caught and have my solo lunch spoiled I didn't mind.

They had also suggested a double date sort of thing. I actually wouldn't have minded going with them because they were easy to be around and Jake and Riley already liked each other, but still double dates were things that couples did with other couples and our relationship wasn't like that, I didn't have a name for what it was, because it just was.

The day had went by fairly fast I guess because winter break was coming up soon it made the days go faster even though usually it would have felt like they were longer.

"You're quiet"

"What?" I was staring out the window watching soft snowflakes swirl around as we drove down the highway.

"What are you thinking about?"

"Nothing I'm just watching the snow"

He nodded and didn't push the conversation, but that was normal for Jake .

We had parked and were walking down the sidewalk.

"So, who are we starting with?"

"Renee. Because I have to mail hers before her and Phil leave for vacation."

"Oh, she's not coming?" he asked in a tone that sounded surprisingly sad.

"No, they're going skiing in Vermont" he nodded, but didn't look up. "Why?"

"I don't know I guess I just thought she would be here, I thought it would be cool to finally meet her."

"Yeah, that reminds me I need to get my pictures developed so I can send her some of us. She's been dying to see more pictures from my new camera, but really I know that just she's curious to see what you look like" Curious was an understatement, she bugged me almost every e-mail and phone call about how Jake was and what 'adventure' we had that week. The good ones I couldn't even share, but she heard about many of the others – sledding, going to the movies, going to the park (the reason and time of night were omitted from that one).

"Yeah I guess I was curious to see what she looks like too. I mean really Bella, I don't think you got your looks from Charlie at all." he said with a laugh. "Maybe we should go visit her sometime." He said it in such a casual way it almost didn't alarm me, but it did and I had to try hard not to let it show. I was good at saving my thoughts for when I was alone and knew that I would think about what he was asking and what exactly I would say to him later.

"Yeah maybe, but until then I will show you my photo albums."

"Not the one you threw across the room, right?"

"No, a different one." I smiled and tried to sound humorous because I didn't want to dwell on the reason why I had thrown it in the first place.

After a few hours I had found a stained glass sun catcher that I knew my mom would hang in her kitchen window. It was beautiful and it really did deserve to be somewhere sunny where it could be enjoyed fully and for Charlie I got him a universal remote. Yes it seemed like the most impersonal thing in the entire world, but he was always complaining about losing a remote or having to keep track of twenty remotes so I knew he would like it. I even found Phil a book I thought he'd like. When we were finished shopping we decided to get something to eat before we went back home.

Jake wanted to eat Italian food and didn't understand why I profusely refused to step foot in the restaurant that he chose. I then insulted him by saying he probably ate rabbits in the forest behind my house when he was on patrol so what the hell did he care if we went somewhere else.

He was hurt and angry to say the least, but finally conceded, as usual, and we ate tacos instead. Jake never held a grudge and somehow had gotten used to all my quirks. Like the time I about ripped the knob of his radio trying to turn the station when that Romeo and Juliet song came on or the other time when I almost ripped the knob off when that Superman's Dead song came on. Yeah, it 's safe to say that I am no longer allowed to touch Jacob's radio. Then there was the time when Jake probably thought I was going to attack him for moving the plaid quilt off the rocking chair to cover me with and inadvertently lost 'my square'. I yelled and screamed trying to fold the blanket back up to find the one square I would always stare at, but after awhile I calmed down and realized that it was stupid and told myself repeatedly that they all looked the same anyway. Jake accepted my apology once again, but will still only touch the solid green blanket.

It was getting late and we were sitting on my bed packing Renee and Phil's present so that I could mail it tomorrow.

"Bella, do you think it'll be like _this _for...um…awhile?"

"Like what?" I asked as I taped the small box shut.

"You know me and you." We had been doing so well not labeling our relationship and yet here we were again. He saw the annoyed look on my face and tried to explain himself.

"No, I mean do you think we'll usually spend Christmas together? Maybe we should start a tradition or something."

I didn't know the answer to his question. Would we be like _this_ for awhile? Why wouldn't we be or more importantly what else would we be? What if we were this or something more or different? None of the scenarios that flowed through my mind allowed for no Jake at all so I said the first thing that came to mind.

"Gingerbread house."

"What?"

"We should make a gingerbread house maybe on Christmas Eve and then you can eat it a couple of days later"

"You know our tradition doesn't have to include food."

"Yes I know, but there are gumdrops." I said in a tempting voice. "Besides it'll be like building a snowman, but not out in the cold and we get to eat it later"

"Sure Bella, it sounds fun."

I put Renee and Phil's present on my desk so I wouldn't forget it in the morning and I hid Charlie's in the closet.

Jake and I laid in my bed since Charlie had thought that he had gone home hours ago when he drove his car home and then ran back. I felt bad for all the running he did, but he said he enjoyed it especially in the snow.

"Are you driving me to school tomorrow?" I teased him.

"I guess I could you know for old time's sake or should I go when you fall asleep?" He was picking up stands of my hair and then letting them fall before picking them up again.

"No, I don't like waking up and realizing your gone." I shivered a little when I said it knowing why I felt that way and he squeezed me closer to his side. "It's not like it matters much anyway you practically live here." I said with a laugh.

"I know it feels like we're married or something" he was still laughing at our jokes and I forced a laugh knowing that it was true, it was a lot like we were married. Is that where we were headed? Is that the way we would spend the rest of our Christmas'?

I fell asleep against Jacob's chest with the realization that just because you don't label something doesn't make it any less than what it really is. I must have been very tired because the dreams came quickly.

I was in a big living room with a tree that looked similar, but still very different than the one downstairs and it had presents overflowing from the bottom.

All of a sudden the room was full of laughter as two small children ran passed me and straight to the presents. The little boy was on the left he had short brown hair and the little girl to his right was smaller than him and had dark brown, almost black hair flowing down and touching the floor as she ripped open her present. I stood there waiting, wanting so badly for them to turn around, but they never did. Instead I was the one that turned around and was instantly embraced by an older version of Jacob, who wrapped me in his arms and kissed me on the mouth after he told me that he loved me.

I woke up screaming. Jacob rolled over instantly and embraced me while his hand patted my back gently. I hadn't screamed like that in awhile and Jake was a little startled.

"What was it honey?" his voice gravelly and full of sleep.

"Vampire…trying to eat me." I mumbled and tried to go back to sleep.

I heard Jake say "Oh, the usual" and then we were both fast asleep.

**A/N - Ok, so how many dirty birds did I trick in the beginning? **

**So, this chapter cleared some stuff up and was maybe a little fluffy, but next chapter is Christmas time and then after that you should all wear a hat so you can hold on to it, lol (but seriously get hat). There's you're little tease for what's to come as always I love to hear what you have to say or ask about the chapter or the story in general.**

**Oh, the evil eggs I don't know where the hell that came from, but it sounded like something someone silly would say so there you go.**

**Review's are better than Jacob pulling big wood out of your hand…for sure! LOL**


	18. Chapter 18 Almost

**Disclaimer – Summer = nothing Stephenie Meyer = everything**

**A/N – Ok, sorry I'm a lying ho because this is what spewed out of my 3am typing instead of the Christmas jubilation we were supposed to have. You may have to get your Prozac back out, but I hope it answers some questions and you still like it!**

**As always I love my readers and my hardworking beta lulu.**

**** About one week from the end of the last chapter.**

**______________________________________________________________________________**

"_Because days come and go but my feelings for you are forever." - Papa Roach_

Chapter 18

Almost

**JPOV**

I knew I shouldn't be standing here and yet here I was unable to move, unable to stop listening. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't heard Bella talking, screaming, or mumbling in her sleep before, but nothing like this. It was a full blown argument and I knew there was no one else in that room, but her. I also knew that what she was arguing about was me or rather 'us' and lastly, but most importantly, I knew I shouldn't be here listening I knew I should turn around and run out of the house, but I couldn't I was frozen in place.

I had been outside running patrol as usual. It was nothing like when Victoria was still on the loose, but it was still our duty to patrol every night. It wasn't usually everyone each night, but I took responsibility for the area surrounding Bella's house and I made it a point to patrol at least once a night. Bella was more at ease now, the threat of Victoria was gone, but it wasn't unusual for us to pick up on the scent of another bloodsucker. They were often fascinated by the area. Some of them knew of the Cullens, others knew of the coven that no longer was although I doubt the trio was missed, their disappearance may have still been a mystery among their kind, and then there was us. The leaches were sometimes intrigued by our scent and felt motivated by their curiosity to investigate, but they were easily chased off. None were driven by the hatred that Victoria had possessed and none thought it worthwhile to deal with a pack as large as ours when they could easily get a meal elsewhere.

When I had run my usual 5 mile radius and was almost back to the house I heard the screams. It wasn't anything new, although it had gotten a lot better lately. I ran to her bedroom, but I couldn't bring myself to open the door. She didn't need me. I was the one who calmed her. I dried her tears and showed her love and soothed her back to sleep more times than I can count, but I knew I wasn't needed, correction - wasn't wanted - so I stayed outside the door and listened like the horrible intruder that I was.

BPOV - approx. 30 mins. Earlier

It was almost a week after I had the dream of Jake and I married and I hadn't had the dream again well, not until tonight. I awoke screaming and could feel the cold sweat on my face.

I don't know what panicked me so much about that dream, but it did. Wait no, that was a blatant lie, I knew exactly what panicked me about that dream I just didn't fully understand why.

Jacob loved me, with all of his heart, and would do anything for me. I loved Jacob, but no longer had most of my heart and was unable to love him anywhere close to the way he loved me. It was a great injustice to him and I hated myself for it. But, I hated myself more because if I could have forced myself or tried any harder or done anything to love him like he did me I don't know if I could…I don't know if I would.

I hated change. I hated it with a passion. If something was good there was no need to change it and what Edward and I had was good…it was better than good it was some cheesy word that wouldn't come close to doing it justice - kismet, fate, destiny, meant to be - and then it changed. Changed was a gross understatement, but that's what happened. Now, there was Jake and I. We were friends and I needed him, refused to let him go, but refused to let things change or progress either. Eventually I would have to accept the change or let him go. Neither of which sounded appealing to me, especially the latter. Unfortunately, I knew that one was probably the best solution. Jacob would eventually find his soul mate, I was sure of it, and I don't think I could handle being left again. Not if I had embraced the change, a new life with Jake - I could not lose again - and I was convinced it was inevitable.

I was trying to catch my breath and I could feel the warm tears on my clammy cheeks.

"Bella, you should be happy"

"I can't."

"Yes you can. I know you're happy with Jacob and it's ok. I'm gone now and I don't want you to suffer alone."

"So, you want me to make Jake suffer along with me. That's a fine solution. I don't see how both of us suffering together makes anything better." I said sarcastically knowing that it _was_ in fact a fine solution for myself, but in turn a rather shitty one for Jake. I knew it because this had been our arrangement for the past few months and I felt nothing but guilty for the short end of the deal Jacob was getting.

"You can't hold on to me forever."

"Like hell I can't! Perhaps that's exactly what I'll do!" I was being nothing less than obstinate and I let out a big huff to prove it.

_He_ knelt in front of my face like the very first night he was here and I stared into his eyes and studied the crazy disarray of his hair. I didn't want to forget…I could never let myself forget no matter how much I wanted to sometimes, no matter how I thought it would be easier if I could just erase the whole memory of _him _and how happy I was with _him_.

"Bella, I am sorry for accusing you of forgetting me last time. I would never stand in the way of your happiness."

"You going and getting yourself killed has been a big fucking barrier to my happiness."

"Bella! There's no need for such language."

"Yeah, then what is there a need for? Please tell me because I have no clue."

"Yes you do. I am here to tell you it's ok to move on. It's ok to be happy and it's more than ok to go on and live your life…get married and have babies. It's all I ever wanted for you."

"But, it wasn't supposed to be like this. It wasn't supposed to be without you." I barely choked out the last part, but I had never taken my eyes off of him. I had a feeling that I wouldn't see him again after tonight and it scared me more than I can describe.

"But, it _is_ like this. I am gone and you have another chance at happiness."

"I don't want another chance, I want YOU!"

"Bella, you can't live your life wanting or waiting for something you can't have."

"I probably could."

"Yes, you probably could because you're a stubborn fool. You'd rather waste the rest of your life pining over something you can't have while throwing away something good and real that you can have. You've seen it Bella, why wouldn't you want it? Because it's not immortality, not exciting, or dangerous enough for you?" his words were harsh and pleading all at the same time and it angered me.

"No! that's not why at all! It's because I _do_ want it. I don't want to be alone, but I'm so terrified of being abandoned again that I'd rather not even try. I don't want to put forth the effort to have the things we almost had just to fail once again. I can't live through another failure.

"We're not a failure."

"Then what are we, a success?" I didn't pause longer than a second because I knew he wouldn't have a response. "Exactly, an almost success that ends in death is nothing short of a tragic failure."

He shrugged. "I don't like that word…not used to describe us."

I nodded in agreement, but mumbled "doesn't make it any less accurate."

"Bella, maybe this is how it was meant to be. If I had never met Carlisle all those years ago then this is exactly how it would be."

I shook my head vehemently "No, this is not how it would be because you did meet Carlisle and you did meet me. A person cannot have their true love torn away and expect to not be changed by it."

"Love, don't let this destroy you too."

"I'm trying" I whimpered with tears flowing down my cheeks.

"Please try harder…for me"

" I can't." I shook my head furiously from side to side making the tears fall quicker. "I just can't be so selfish as to pull anyone else down with me so I will suffer alone knowing that the one I was destined to be with is gone and I will let Jake be with the one he is destined to be with. He deserves to be with someone who can love him back and it's just not me and I can't let it happen this way."

I could barely see him through the tears and I knew it was going to happen I was starting to panic.

"Wait! Edward don't go, please don't leave me! Just don't leave me."

"Shhh, love. I'm already gone, but I will never leave you. I love you, always"

"I…" I tried to respond, but he was already gone.

My breathing became frantic between the sobs and I rolled over grabbing my pillow and burying my face into it while I screamed and cried.

**JPOV**

"…He deserves to be with someone who can love him back and it's just not me and I can't let it happen this way."

I couldn't stand to listen to it anymore. I ran out of the house and straight to Sam's. He knew more about my problems with Bella than anyone as we had already spoken at great length about the problems and the all around oddity as he called it that was our relationship.

He answered the door in his pajamas, looking barely awake, but he quickly moved so that I could come in.

"Sam, I need to talk to you it's important."

"Well, I'd say that it'd better be since it's 3 in the morning"

"It's Bella"

"Oh, Jake is she ok?"

"Yes, well not really but she's not hurt or anything. She's just a little…"

"Crazy?"

"Yeah, but that's not really why I'm here well it's kind of why I'm here I guess. I heard Bella talking to herself, or rather arguing with someone who wasn't there, and she refuses to be with me to allow herself to let go of the leach because she feels that she will ruin my life and prevent me from being with my imprint."

"Well, no one could prevent you from being with your imprint."

"That's not what she meant entirely. She's afraid that I will find that person and leave her or that being with her will take me away from meeting that other person "

He was just nodding his head trying to take all this in as he yawned tiredly.

"Sam, you have to tell her that's impossible. You have to tell her that there isn't anyone else that she's my imprint."

"But, she's not. I can't tell her that."

"You don't know that, you've already admitted that in our last conversation. Maybe if she lets go, if she just accepts us being together...it'll happen" I said in a desperate voice.

"Jake, I've never known someone to imprint on someone after spending all this time with them, it's always first sight after the transformation. Just look at Jared. He's known Kim his whole life, but the day they ran into each other in the hallway it just happened."

"Maybe it's been trying to happen since the day she came here…the day you had to make her leave." I didn't like to think of that day. I had knocked Bella down on accident and I could still see her bloodshot eyes that were swollen from crying and her distraught face as she looked up at me. She kept saying she was sorry. I had hurt her, I was pushing her away both physically and emotionally and yet she sat there apologizing to me. It broke my heart. It made me so angry at myself that I nearly phased right then and there. That's when Sam came and took her to her truck.

The day after the redheaded leach was destroyed Sam and I had a long discussion about Bella, it had taken place right here in this living.

"_Jake, now this has been taken care of I need to talk to you"_

"_I know" I answered solemnly. I had been fearing when my duty to protect Bella would end and I would have to spend less time with her._

"_I just want to say that I'm very impressed with what you did today."_

"_Taking down the leach was a group effort" I responded without hesitation._

"_That's not what I meant. You knew the leach was saying things that corroborated your theory, she probably would have spilled the beans for you but you silenced her instead. You wouldn't let Bella hear any of it."_

"_Of course I didn't. It would have sent Bella back to square one and I couldn't allow that to happen."_

"_Even if it meant she would stop denying her feelings for you?"_

"_It didn't matter. Her hurting was not an option for me and I acted. I don't regret it for a minute. Those leaches are tricky anyway, who knows what she would have said truth or lie it would've hurt her." I remembered thinking it would either go one of two ways she would tell Bella that Edward abandoned her or that she tortured him to death…either one would've killed her to hear._

"_I heard you when you were running home. You still wouldn't let Bella believe what the leach said even after she questioned you about it."_

"_Like I said, that leach was cunning and devious and I will not let Bella go to pieces over what she said. Bella deserves the truth and I don't really know what that is, but I'm sure as hell not going to put any merit on the words that come out of a bloodsucker's mouth."_

"_Weird"_

"_It's weird that I can care enough for another person to put my needs or wants aside, isn't that what loving someone is about?"_

"_To a point, but doing it so completely selflessly time and time again is more what imprinting is about."_

"_We already had this discussion, Sam" I said in a growl. I wanted nothing more, but it wasn't in the cards for us and Sam was right I just had to settle for love, so there was no need for him to tease me with what he already discredited._

"_I cannot explain your unique situation, I'm not even going to try. The similarities are so uncanny and yet it's not entirely the same. It's seems to be exactly what you said 'almost'."_

"_So?"_

"_Well, something like this is unheard of, but I cannot deny the close resemblance to imprinting as we all know how important Bella is to you so it is in my authority to say that we will regard Bella as your imprint. It only seems logical since she already knows everything and I know how important her safety is to you and how you yearn to be with her so as long as your pack obligations are met your time won't be restricted, but this will not be discussed with her._

"_I understand"_

"Jake" Sam's voice brought me back to our present conversation. "Jake, I cannot tell her something that I don't know and-"

The phone ringing interrupted Sam's voice that was hushed because Emily was still sleeping and he quickly grabbed the phone after the first ring probably for the same reason.

"Yes, he's here."

"Jake, it's your dad" he said handing over the phone.

"Hello" I was surprised and worried by his call and awaited anxiously for him to speak.

"Jake, Charlie just called and Bella - "

All I had to hear was her name and I dropped the phone, ran out the door, and was phased in all of about 2 seconds. I ran faster than I probably ever had and as soon as I could see her yard I ran even faster making a big leap for the tree and into her window.

She was crying uncontrollably while she clutched a pillow and had her face buried in it except for when she turned her head and took in a ragged breath.

When she looked up and saw me I was shocked to see her face it was soaked and splotchy red, her eyes were swollen and her hair was a frenzied mess all around her face. She couldn't catch her breath even with her face now out of the pillow.

I leapt onto the bed, surprisingly not breaking it.

"I don't know what to do, Jacob." she sobbed.

"Stop it Bella. You stop this right now. You don't have to do anything and I mean that. I don't want or expect you to do anything and I am not asking you to." I had taken her hands that felt so cold into my hands. "I'm fine as long as I'm with you." I said sheepishly.

"But I don't know if I can stay with you…I don't know if I should" her voice was hoarse and barely audible.

Her hands were still in mine and I started rubbing the tops of hers with my thumbs.

"Bella, you don't have to be scared with me because it feels right and that's what scares you. I don't know what I would do if you left me, but I can tell you that I would never leave you."

She ripped her hands out of mine and stared at me incredulously with her mouth slightly open.

"Jacob, did…did you imprint on me?"

I didn't know what to say, but I didn't have to say anything she saw my hesitation and her face fell.

"That's ok I already knew you didn't" she said as she choked back a sob.

"Bella, it's true that I didn't, but it's like it tried like it _almost_ happened. It's hard to explain, but Sam even agrees." and then Bella did something I really didn't expect. She started laughing, but nothing was funny, this was hysterical laughing.

"That just figures. I am so defective that nothing works on me."

"I don't understand."

**BPOV**

Of course this shouldn't surprise me at all. I was so worried about Jake finding his imprint when it could've been me, if my flawed mind or heart or just me as a whole didn't deflect it or mess it up or whatever my mind did with these type of things.

Jacob didn't understand, but I didn't know how to explain it to him and I honestly didn't have the energy to, but there he sat just wanting to know so I held up 3 fingers and he understood.

"Their powers didn't work on you?"

"Just one" I said with my scratchy voice.

"_His_?"

I nodded. I could see him biting his tongue he wanted so bad to ask, but I knew he wouldn't. "He could read minds" he gasped.

"Like us." He whispered.

"What? Wolves can read minds?"

"No, just each other's. When we're phased we can hear each other's thought's as a defense mechanism." I nodded taking in the new information. "But, it didn't work on you?" he asked.

"Nope, never."

Even as faulty as my brain admittedly is, I don't know if it could mess with something like connecting with one's soul mate and I decided that it probably could not. I had never thought that Jacob would imprint on me because I knew who my soul mate was, perhaps things change after death, but I came to the conclusion that they don't.

One soul mate for each person which meant Jacob's was still out there somewhere.

Then again maybe _he _was right. Maybe this is how things are supposed to be now, but _this _wasn't the problem it was more - the dream - that scared me.

"Jake, I don't know if things are ever going to change between us, but I don't want to be without you either."

"I don't want change Bella and I don't know why you've worked yourself into such a tizzy about it. Nothing has to change or be decided tonight or even ever."

Maybe there was no point in worrying. Everyone only gets one soul mate, but maybe something happened to Jacob's soul mate too and he just didn't know about it, but the universe did and now here fate brought us together - a mismatched set.

Jacob was right nothing had to change and nothing had to be decided at least not right now. So, the only decision I made was that we would just go on being Jake and Bella since that's what we both wanted.

Before I felt like I was trying to swim against the current like I was in a constant struggle with the contrast in my past and my future, but now it felt like they were both in agreeance telling me to 'go with the flow' so to speak. I fell asleep to the hum of my lullaby, my new lullaby, against Jake's chest.

**A/N – So there it is. No fake banging, no funnies, or witty quips to speak of…definitely not one of my fave chapters, but we're getting there. This chapter almost went into the trash can, but my beta talked me out of it (so if you don't like it blame her). J/K**

**Next chapter will be Christmas, a lot of Jacob & Bella time, (More Riley too, I promise), and then hat time.**

**I had a big explanation as to why Bella is so upset, but it got deleted and then I thought it was probably obvious enough. So, again questions, suggestions, whatever love to hear them…chapter 19 is half done let me know if you want a sneak peek.**

**Songs I listened to while writing this chapter:**

**Almost Lover, A Fine Frenzy**

**Never Say Never, The Fray**

**Reviews are better than being done with the Prozac…maybe.**


	19. Chapter 19 Better Than The Last

**Disclaimer - Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight, Summer does not.**

**A/N - Big thanks to all the readers that have stuck around this long and I promise you that we are nearly to the top of this rollercoaster ride (prepare for the descent!). Thanks to my Beta who kicks ass…and is a pretty decent proof reader too, lol!**

**A note from Bella's doctor: Since I've had this addressed many times I thought I would just elaborate on this for everyone. Bella is bat shit crazy. Yeah, that's the technical term, lol. Seriously though, she has PTSD and survivor's guilt which is now categorized with PTSD. She also has brief periods of psychosis where she is delusional and has hallucinations. But wait you say, can a person who ordinarily functions pretty regularly have periodic, short bouts of being psychotic? Yes, it's actually very common here in the DM, as far as the real world I haven't the faintest. **

**Yay, it's Christmas time! *jumps up and down and claps* Enjoy!**

**________________________________________________________________________**

"_Maybe this year will be better than the lastI can't remember all the times I tried to tell my myselfTo hold on to these moments as they pass"_

_~Counting Crows, A Long December_

Chapter 19

Better than the Last

**JPOV**

It was Christmas Eve morning and Bella still lay sleeping in my arms. She mumbled "Jacob" and I smiled it was only the second time I've heard her do that. I had gotten used to the usual "Edward" and "Edward don't go!", but those have been gone for a couple of weeks now.

"Jacob, don't give them chocolate for breakfast."

I chuckled at the things she said in her sleep. I was amused by the things she did in general. Some of her quirks were more annoying than others. Such as flying out of swings at high speed, screaming at me when I didn't park in 'her spot' in the school parking lot, and wanting to kill me for touching her blanket, but some are just funny. Several days ago I walked into her room and was shocked to see that she had moved all the furniture around and was seated in the middle of the floor, legs pressed to her chest and her chin resting on her knees as she stared at the bed that, by some miracle, she was able to move by herself. I scolded her for not waiting for me, but when she turned her head and looked at me I knew it was something she had to do herself. It took her awhile to get used to the change and not run into things in the dark and for several days she had mumbled about the bare wall across the room being the perfect spot for a couch, but I ignored it because why would someone need a couch in their room?

Eventually she stirred and looked up at me sleepily with a smile.

"Merry Christmas Eve" she said still smiling.

"And Merry Christmas Eve to you too, Honey."

"Is my dad still here?" she asked while rubbing her eyes and yawning.

"No, he left about an hour ago. I have a sneaking suspicion that he went Christmas shopping before he had to go to work."

"Yeah, I think you're right." she said laughing. I loved her laugh.

"I'm gonna go take a shower and then we can go to your house." I nodded and she took off with an armful of clothes into the bathroom

Last night she had made dozens of cookies and I couldn't keep track of all the different kinds, but I'm sure I tested all of them. I helped her roll the dough and put little sprinkles on some of them. When we were finished I sat at the table watching her put the carefully formulated assortments into several different tins.

The plan for today was to hang out at my house until it was time to go to Sam and Emily's for a holiday dinner that Emily and Bella had planned together. I didn't really care about going to my house because it didn't bother me that I was never there, but Bella was right when she insisted that we spend some time with my dad, plus I needed to get her Christmas present from there anyway.

When we were at the grocery store yesterday getting all of the ingredients I had found a dog bone shaped cookie cutter, I think it was Scooby Doo or something, and I begged her to get it and make Paul's cookies with it, but she refused. I pouted a little thinking about how funny it would've been to see Paul's face after opening the tin.

I was still lying in her bed lost in thought when she walked back in wearing nothing but a towel. I rolled over not wanting her to feel uncomfortable and I heard her get something out of the drawer.

"Jake, will you please put Charlie's present under the tree while I get dressed. I tossed it on the shelf in the closet and I don't think I can reach it."

I remember the night she threw it in there and she was right she would never be able to reach it.

She went back to the bathroom and I went to the closet.

I was reaching my arm back as far as it could go and I could only feel the edge of the box. I struggled to reach back further, but it was no use I couldn't get a hold of it. I jumped up and grabbed the box coming down too hard on the wooden floor causing one of the floorboards to come up and hit my shin.

"Shit!" That hurt and I was kneeling down and rubbing my leg when I saw it.

There was a bunch of stuff stuck in the floor. I reached in and pulled out a CD, some pictures, and other papers. I brushed the small amount of dust they had collected and I could smell it…it was a vampire who put them there.

I didn't know what to do. She had wanted these pictures, she threw the album across the room when she realized they were gone, but would she still want them or need them. Wouldn't it bring up too many questions? I didn't know what to do, but it was too late, I had waited too long.

"What's wrong Jake? I heard you yell and -"

She stopped mid-sentence when she looked down at me and saw what was in my hands. She looked confused and hurt, but mostly just hurt.

"Did…did you put those there?" her voice was shaking and I could tell she felt betrayed, but it wasn't me who betrayed her.

"No, I didn't. I jumped to reach the present and when I came down this loose floorboard came up and hit my leg and that's when I found these." She stared down at me for a moment taking in what I just said and eyeing the things in my hands before she began to speak again.

"Did _he_ put them there Jake?" her voice was still shaking but I could tell that she was trying hard to sound strong.

"How would I know?" I knew, I just didn't want to give her an answer.

"Because you know what he smells like. Did he put those there?"

"Just because he touched them doesn't mean he put them there. He's probably the one that gave these to you." I said holding up the items in my hands.

"Jake, just answer the question."

"No, it smells like a female vampire" she squinted her eyes at me.

"You're lying."

"I don't want to feed into this stupid mystery that is Edward when I don't have any answers" I said his name. I could see that it pained her, but I was only trying to stress how this would hurt her and I didn't think before I said it. She flinched when I said it, but remained composed.

"There is no mystery" she said calmly while taking the things out of my hands and pressing the pictures to her chest. She never looked at them she only clutched them tightly against herself. She then sat next to me and leaned over so her head was on my shoulder. She sat that way, leaning on me and clutching the things, for awhile before bending forward and dumping them back into the floor.

She made a motion with her hand that I knew meant to replace the piece of wood back into the floor. She took the present that was sitting next to us and walked away.

I secured the board and then waited a moment before going downstairs. I found Bella just standing in front of the tree staring at it. I walked up behind her, but didn't put my arms around her like I wanted to because I was unsure if that's what she wanted me to do.

"It's ok. It doesn't change anything."

"Are you talking to me?"

"Well yeah, who else would I be talking to? Wait, don't answer that." she spoke quietly and then sat down in front of the tree that was still lit.

"It doesn't change anything?"

"Nope, he's still gone so what does it matter if he was going to leave me anyway."

I was shocked I didn't know what to say, but I didn't have to say anything because she kept talking.

"He was distant the few days before, his thoughts his emotions, they were somewhere else those days because they weren't here, and I have a feeling he was struggling with a decision from what I read in his journals, and now this. He was in my room that night it happened when he told me he wouldn't be. He must've hidden the stuff and was saying goodbye when Victoria came."

It made sense, it actually made a lot of sense. She had told me about a disagreement regarding her safety they had right before 'that night' as she called it and although she didn't go into great detail about it, it would explain him wanting to leave and the struggling with a decision as she put it.

"But you're sure…about the other part?" I don't know why I asked it I really don't, but it seemed that so much truth was coming out that it needed to be said.

"What other part?" She looked at me, but her eyes looked empty and her voice was flat.

"That he _is_ dead" I said quietly, wishing that I hadn't even asked.

"Yes, it was Alice that told me and if you saw her face you would know too."

I nodded seeing on her face that she had no doubt. "Have you talked to her since…I mean lately?" I regretted asking her this more than the last question as soon as I saw her face fill with hurt as she shook her head.

"They don't want to talk to me, I'm supposed to have a fresh start or something." her voice was full of sorrow and skepticism. Clearly she didn't think much of their decision.

"Yeah, a couple of weeks ago I decided to call Alice. I sat on my bed with the phone in my hand for nearly an hour before I got the courage to press the send button. When I heard the recording telling me it was disconnected I cursed myself for even trying. It was like being rejected all over again." She paused for a moment to compose herself and then started speaking again. "It's ok though it doesn't change anything, he's still gone and he still loved me, I mean maybe he was changing his mind or…" her voice was trembling badly and I was afraid for what was about to come. The last words she didn't say as a statement, but more of an attempt to convince herself. I put my arm around her in an attempt to soothe her and she leaned against me again.

"It doesn't change anything he did love you, don't doubt that."

She exhaled loudly and nodded her head. I never doubted the leach's feelings. He died protecting her, he wouldn't let the redheaded leach near her. I protected her the same way and I knew I would also do it at any cost.

"Jake?"

"Yes"

"Can you please start the truck while I grab the stuff?" It took me a second to realize what she was asking because it wasn't anything that I was expecting. I nodded at her, grabbed the keys, and took one last look at her before I walked out the door. She had unplugged the tree and went to the kitchen to put the cookie tins into a large paper bag and was getting all of the food together that we were taking over to Sam and Emily's. That was it. There was no breakdown or tears. I was amazed, but wary…I hoped that nothing would break loose tonight.

We walked into my house and was greeted by my dad who looked ecstatic to see us. Bella gave him a hug and had a huge smile on her face. I remembered when Bella never smiled and I treasured each one I got to see.

Bella cooked a big breakfast with pancakes, eggs, and sausage. We hadn't eaten before we left her house and it was nice to eat with my dad, we were hardly here anymore. _I _was hardly ever here anymore.

She was wearing my mom's apron again as she got the turkey ready to put in the oven. I couldn't take my eyes off of her, it was just like the first time I saw her wearing it. I could picture Bella wearing that apron doing dishes and cooking dinner every night…until we were old and gray. Once she got the turkey in the oven we laid on the couch and watched a movie, but I don't think Bella was really paying attention. She was laying across the couch with her head on my legs. Truthfully I wasn't really watching the movie either, I was more interested in the way her hair felt in my hands.

**BPOV**

I was thinking about how it would be time to go to Sam and Emily's soon. I was actually looking forward to going over there. I hadn't seen Quil since he finally became a wolf. Well, I say finally because I know how badly he felt left out, but I know everyone else didn't share that feeling as I think they were hoping that he would be spared the changes that they had to endure. I heard about how everyone teased him because he had already imprinted and I had a feeling that they were jealous that it didn't take him more than a couple of weeks. I thought it was funny thinking about the older two that had to wait much longer probably because of their poor attitudes I thought smugly, but in all fairness they really have improved and I felt like I was really considered an honorary wolf girl as I no longer felt unwelcome. Well, Paul was still a douche most of the time, as Jacob liked to frequently point out to him, but I was confident that he would come around especially if we didn't give him dog bone cookies for Christmas. I looked up at Jake and smiled remembering the almost tantrum he threw in the grocery store and he returned the smile whole heartedly. I set my head back down and he went back to stroking my hair.

Everyone was excited for the Christmas party at Sam's. It wasn't really a Christmas party and I told everyone it could just be a dinner since they didn't celebrate Christmas, but they were all happy to do it. Actually it was Emily who got the most excited about decorating for Christmas which made Sam completely on board with…well, anything that made her happy.

I got an extra tree and some decorations from Angela who said it had just been sitting in her attic for years. It wasn't very big, but it served our purpose well. Jacob helped carry it in and then when the boys were off doing whatever it is that wolf boys do Emily and I put the tree up. It was a pain to get assembled, but once we finally got that done we had a blast decorating it. I really liked hanging out with Emily because the littlest things made her happy. Not just the tree, but in general, she reminded me of Jacob in that way. We were hanging decorations and candy canes on the tree, which I'm sure are all gone by now, when I got the nerve up to ask her a question.

"_Emily, can I ask you a question…a personal question?"_

"_Um, sure" she was a little hesitant, but not unwilling._

"_Well, what's it like to, you know, be someone's imprint? It's just that I've heard it from a guy's point of view and I was just wondering…"_

"_Oh" she sighed in relief probably thinking I was going to ask her something sexual or something. "Well, you know it's the same really for everyone." she shrugged her shoulders and gave me a funny look. I nodded and went back to decorating the tree._

I was snapped back to the present by Jake's voice.

"I think it's time to go."

"Ok"

We went over to Sam and Emily's early so I could help her with dinner. She was definitely accustomed to cooking for a bunch of ravenous guys, but I wanted to give her a hand to make it easier. I enlisted Jacob's help in peeling the potatoes with the promise that he would also get to mash them, he enjoyed destruction that way and it was pretty entertaining to watch. We still had the turkey cooking at Jake's and a turkey cooking here. Emily and I were getting everything ready to warm up after the turkey came out. I was putting yams in a baking dish and covering them with marshmallows. I turned to Jake who was still sitting at the table next to the trash can peeling and I threw one at him that he caught with a smile.

"So, Hannah is bringing 3 pies." Emily said with a smile and Jake nearly applauded her.

"Who's Hannah?" I remembered Jake telling me about the other boys' girlfriends or imprints or whatever. Jared's girlfriend was Kim, Embry's was Abigail, and Quil's was Clara, but I had no idea who Hannah was.

"Oh yeah, it just happened the other day. I sent Paul to the grocery store for eggs and he came back with her and no eggs." She said with a small laugh and shook her head while she kept stirring something in a bowl. "Isn't it funny how things work out, now the whole pack has imprinted."

"Yeah that is funny." I said while I forced myself to sound genuine. I gave Jacob a sideways glance with my eyes squinted and he acted like he didn't see me and started peeling faster.

"Oh Emily, speaking of eggs I left the deviled eggs and some other things out in the truck. I'll be right back."

"Would you like some help?" Jacob asked sheepishly.

"I would love some."

We walked out into the cold evening the sun was setting and it was starting to snow.

"You didn't even grab your coat. Go ahead and go in. I can carry this."

"No, Jake. Why does Emily think I'm your imprint?" he wasn't even looking at me as he continued to grab stuff out of the truck.

"Well, I told you. You kinda are and since you already know everything Sam just said that the pack would regard you as my imprint, but he doesn't really have an explanation so they just see you as being to me what their imprints are to them."

"So, I'm _kinda _your imprint? No, Jake there's no _kinda _being someone's soul mate." I had my arms wrapped around myself not because I was cold, which I'm sure I was because I was shivering, but my chest was burning so bad I couldn't feel it, I could only feel the fire that felt like it was going to burn right through my chest. The snow was starting to fall heavier now and I could see small snowflakes resting on my hair.

"Bella, I know. We're just us and all of this imprint business doesn't matter to me, if you want I can say something to her and the guys –"

"No Jake, don't say anything." Jake wasn't the one making a big deal out of this I was. It scared me and made me feel like something was planned without my consent, but mostly it was just my dream that bothered me. It was getting more and more detailed and I felt like I was being forced to let go of _him_ and the future we had planned. I knew those things were already long gone, but admitting it and actually letting go were two things I didn't know if I could do.

I grabbed the veggie tray and walked into the house stopping to hold the door open for Jake.

Emily and I continued to get stuff ready in the kitchen while Jake and Sam brought in extra chairs for the large table they had set up in the living room. They left to pick up Billy and the turkey and we put red tablecloths on the tables and green candles in the middle. We had placed all of the table settings on the table and turned the tree on by the time they got back from Jake's house.

Sam and Billy were watching something on TV and Jake was putting the turkey in the kitchen. I saw Emily smiling at the tree and it reminded me of something. I grabbed the wrapped box from underneath my coat and went up to Emily. It was wrapped in silver paper with a gold bow, both were shiny and reflected the lights of the Christmas tree.

"Emily, I know you don't celebrate Christmas, but I wanted to give this to you." She had tears in her eyes, but a big smile on her face.

"But, I didn't get you anything." She said in a sad tone.

"That's ok I don't like getting gifts anyway." I smiled and held out the box as she excitedly took it out of my hands. I knew she was going to love it and I really didn't care if I got a present I just wanted to see her face light up.

She took the bow off carefully and then ripped the paper. When she saw the front of the box she got so happy.

"Oh, Bella it's beautiful!" It was an angel for the top of the tree. We didn't have anything to put up there and she didn't say anything, but I knew she would like it. It wasn't easy finding an angel with black hair either I dug through hundreds of blonde haired angels at a couple dozen of stores before I found this one, but she was perfect.

"Well, I didn't know if you would put the tree back up next year or –"

"Oh no, we will definitely put it back up." She said with a smile "We actually always wanted one when we were little, but of course our parents would never let us. You know me and my cousin would get penny candy from the store and wrap it up in newspaper and exchange it like the Christmas shows we saw on television."

She was looking down and forced a smile to hide the sad look on her face and I did my best to pretend I didn't know who she was talking about.

She stood on her tippy toes and put the angel on the tree since it wasn't very tall. Sam came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her and was kissing the side of her face.

I turned to walk away, but the door opened and in came the others so I went to stand by Jake.

Embry gave me a big smile and I couldn't help but to smile back. He was always so happy and now that he had imprinted Jake didn't care that he was friendly towards me he actually appreciated how much he accepted me.

Embry gave me a hug and introduced me to Abigail who apparently doesn't like to be called Abby. She was a little taller than me with very long, black hair. She was very skinny and had a beautiful face and a great complexion with her smooth brown skin. Standing next to her I really did look like an albino although I guess I had that problem standing next to Jake too, but I hadn't really ever paid attention before.

Paul was on his best behavior for the time being and smiled while he introduced me to Hannah. At which time I felt it necessary to point out that her name was a palindrome to which she promptly rolled her eyes at me. Hannah was very tall and very curvy, her dark hair went to the middle of her back. Her face wasn't as pretty as Abby's, I mean Abigail's, but I doubt most people, or at least those of the male gender, ever made it that far.

Quil seemed ecstatic to be around all his friends again, he even gave me a huge hug twirling me around in a circle. Clara was my age, but she already graduated. All of the guys had a great time teasing him for being with an 'older woman'. I guess they didn't consider me to be an old woman since I never heard them tease Jake like that or maybe they were just used to me and didn't think about my age. Clara was shy and had much shorter hair than the other girls. She was very soft spoken and her voice was almost child-like, but I liked her, she had an innocent quality about her that you couldn't help but like. All the girls had known each other and even though they hadn't necessarily been friends before they were now.

Kim was a sweet girl not as pretty as Hannah and Abigail, but she definitely made up for it in personality which in my opinion made her far more beautiful. When I was shaking Kim's hand I heard Hannah say something to Abigail in Quiluete. I heard a small gasp from Kim and my mouth dropped slightly open. I turned to look at her and saw Embry nudge her arm. She instantly looked up at me and her eyes got huge with shock. She had said something that roughly translates to "So, Jake is the only one that got stuck with a white girl."

She continued to stare at me in disbelief. "I guess I'm not your average white girl" I said with a smirk on my face and went to the kitchen. I heard Emily say something that sounded like 'quit being a bitch' and then she joined me in the kitchen to help finish the food and get it on the table.

Despite the rocky start we all had a great time at dinner. Everyone loved the food and admired Emily's tree, you could tell how proud she was by the smile on her face. They all said the same thing that she did about wishing they had one when they were kids.

We cleared the table and made some coffee to have with the pie that the boys were very impatiently waiting for. When we were finished I passed out the cookies to all the couples and Billy got his own which he was happy about. I whispered to Jake that Paul and Hannah were totally getting dog bone shaped cookies next year which made him happy.

Billy took a ton of pictures and then most of them were getting ready to go home. Hannah profusely apologized and I accepted since it seemed that she truly did feel bad. They had driven Embry and Abigail so they all left together with Quil and Clara leaving right after them. The rest of the guys were playing cards at the table and we were cleaning up in the kitchen. Kim was telling us about the ice skating rink Jared took her to earlier as we all put what little leftovers there were in the fridge and washed dishes. Emily went to the restroom and we were pretty much finished cleaning. I was just wiping down the counters and Kim was sweeping the floor. She really was a nice girl and I enjoyed talking to her.

"So, you were the second that's cool. I mean I've had some time to get used to it too."

"What do you mean get used to it?" I was playing along, but there were things that I was still curious about.

"Oh you know. I mean I didn't have a real boyfriend before, but I've went on dates and nothing compares to this."

"You mean how much he loves you?"

"Well yeah, and how important he makes me feel, the way he looks at me, how much he makes me happy. Just us being together makes him happy and that makes me happy too." she was smiling as she scooped up her pile in the dustpan. It really didn't seem all that different than regular love and it really didn't seem that different than what it was like between Jake and I, but I put that thought off to the side.

"Yeah that makes sense. I guess I never really thought about it before." It was true I never did really think of it before it just felt natural with Jacob, it had felt that way before all this werewolf nonsense too. Our relationship seemed to have progressed naturally and not after some weirdo, instantaneous connection was made out of the blue. "I've always felt close to Jacob so, I don't know we're like best friends." Well, we _are_ best friends, but I didn't mind keeping up the imprint charade. I mean I already accepted that I didn't want to be without Jake, I just haven't accepted anything else. I could never deny that we were close, but still our relationship lacked a lot from being a real boyfriend and girlfriend relationship and I knew that was from me still holding on to the past.

"So, when it happened did you just instantly feel the same way?" I was really curious about this. I had wondered what kind of say the girl had in all this.

"No, I already felt that way about him. I've liked Jared since kindergarten when I would share my cookies with him, but we never really talked very much." She giggled quietly, but seemed nervous.

"Well, I'm glad that he finally realized his feelings for you." I said smiling. I could tell that she felt like they wouldn't be together if it wasn't for the voodoo imprint crap, but I didn't buy that. Kim was a great girl and she shouldn't think that way about herself. She smiled and nodded.

We left the kitchen and met Emily coming down the hall. We all went into the living room and sat down. I sat next to Jake which was directly in front of the tree. I leaned my head on his shoulder and looked at the cards in his hands. He looked down and smiled at me, but I had no idea what game they were playing so I just continued to look at the tree. The only thought I really had was that it wasn't anything like the tree in my dream.

"Jake, you didn't have a tree when you were little either." It wasn't really a question but he shook his head no. "Did you want one?"

"Sure Bells, kids always want what they don't have."

"Yeah, that's true. I had a friend in Phoenix that was Jewish and I loved the big menorah in her living room and she loved the tree in mine." he nodded his head in agreement and laid his cards down on the table which made all the other guys yell since it meant he won.

"Do you think you'd let your kids have a tree?"

"Yeah, I'd let my kids have anything…even chocolate for breakfast." he smiled down at me and my mouth dropped open and I hit his arm.

"I guess I'm talking in my sleep again." I mumbled, but I cringed when he whispered back "you never stopped".

When we got back to Jake's the snow had really fallen and the road was slick. I called Charlie at the station and he agreed after talking to Billy that I shouldn't be driving in this weather. I remembered my run in with Bambi and I couldn't imagine that happening on a night like this.

Billy knew we spent the night together almost every night so it wasn't a big deal to him. He even knew the truth, that I wasn't Jake's imprint. When Jake was changing for bed Billy came up to me while I was sitting on the couch, looked me straight in the eyes, and said that his wife wasn't his imprint, but he loved her more than life itself. That's all he said and then he rolled away. It wasn't very much, but at the same time it was. I smiled and walked to the bathroom. I passed Jacob in the small hallway, but I before I made it to the bathroom he wrapped his arms around me and held me close. Sometimes I think he just missed feeling me against him and as much as it made me feel guilty, I felt the same way.

"I don't have anything to wear to bed." I said looking up at him shyly.

"I can run back to Emily's and get you something."

"Yeah, but it's snowing."

"I know that's why I want to go. I mean I'd go anyway, but I love to run in the snow and maybe Sam will run a lap with me…you know to make sure there's no bloodsuckers around." he had a big, goofy simile on his face.

"Ok, go have fun." He gave me a kiss on the head and ran out the door.

I smiled and shook my head at his usual antics as I walked into his room and heard the front door slam shut. His room was fairly clean, but I guess that could be expected since he was at my house most of the time.

I remembered that I had hidden his present in my truck because I knew he wouldn't find it there and I was thankful for the hiding spot since it meant that I had it with me. I ran out into the cold night almost tripping over a tree root, but steadied myself before I landed face first in the snow. I grabbed the present from under the seat and started to run back. I diverted the tree root that almost caused my demise a moment ago and was feeling pretty full of myself when I about slipped on the porch steps . I could barely see in the dark, but I could see well enough to see my breath stream out in front of me. I was not used to weather like this. Scorching heat I could handle, bitter cold no thank you. I mean sure it can get chilly at night in the desert, but this was ridiculous. I made it back into the house quickly taking off my coat and boots right inside the door so I could take refuge in Jacob's warm bed. Billy must've already gone to bed because all of the lights except the hall light were off, so I quietly crept back into Jake's room. His bed was so warm and comfortable that I starting to nod off when I heard howling in the distance that made me smile.

I got up and put one of Jacob's Quiluete CD's in and listened to it with the headphones on. I still wasn't too good with listening to the radio and since my new found language skills were proven so useful tonight I decided that it would be a good way to stay awake.

Not too long later Jacob walked in dripping wet from snow, but he had the pajama's in a plastic bag and the big grin was still on his face.

I took the bag from his hand, laughing at him, but grabbed him a towel from the bathroom before I started changing.

I put on the pajamas and got ready for bed, tying my hair up into a ponytail before I jumped onto Jacob's bed. Emily's pajamas fit pretty well and were a pink t-shirt with a teddy bear on it with matching plaid pants.

I tucked my legs underneath me and I was hopping up and down slightly with a big smile on my face.

"Yes Bella"

"Do you want your present now?" I asked barely able to contain my excitement as I bounced up and down.

"But it's not Christmas yet." he sounded kind of disappointed like I was robbing him of his one chance at Christmas.

"Jake, you'll still have a present to open at home in front of the tree and everything."

"Ok"

"Ok" I said with a smile as I snatched the present from underneath the bed. "Here" I said all giddy. It wasn't much, but I thought he'd like it.

He looked as excited as I was when he ripped open the paper.

"Oh this is awesome!"

"Really, you like them?"

"Yeah for sure. Every cool car needs a pair of fuzzy dice."

"That's what I thought"

He quickly got off the bed and reached into his closet pulling out a big, flat square that was wrapped in paper that had sledding snowmen on it and a bunch of ribbon tied around it.

"Oh, Jake that looks so cute." I didn't usually like getting gifts, but I knew that he was just as excited to see my reaction as I was to see his.

I struggled with the ribbon for a minute and then began ripping the paper until the whole front was revealed.

"Oh my god Jacob, this is great" I had tears in my eyes looking at it. It was a large frame with a collage of all of our pictures. There was a picture from my first night of cheering, us in the leaves, the two of us on Halloween, the one that Billy took of us when we worked on my project together, us in front of my Christmas tree, he even had the pictures from the photo booth in there. He saw me stop to look at those.

"Sorry, I took them from your desk."

"That's ok, this turned out so good" I was running my fingers over the glass until I stopped at a picture of Jake and I standing next to each other leaning against my truck. I was looking up at him and he was looking down at me and we both had big smiles on our face. "Where did this picture come from?"

"Oh, Jamie took it for me one morning. I told her I wanted a candid and she did a really good job."

I nodded my head. I was still looking at all the pictures when I yawned really big.

"We should go to sleep, it's late and I bet you'll want to get up early to get to your house before your dad gets up."

"You're right I do want to get home early."

He turned off the light and we crawled under the blankets.

"Jake I really like my present."

"I'm glad Bella, I really like mine too."

We were still laying on our own sides and I was looking towards his face, but could barely see him in the dark.

"I had fun tonight" I said sleepily.

"I did too. I think that could be our tradition."

"Yeah that would be fun. You know I really like Kim."

"She really likes you too."

"How do you know?"

"Because she told Emily and Emily told Sam and then he told me."

"You guys are awfully big gossipers." I teased.

"I'm really sorry about Hannah." He added in a serious tone.

"You know I'm sorry too" I said quietly.

"You're sorry, what for? I'm just glad that you didn't punch her in the face."

"Ha ha real funny" He loved to tease me about 'Black Monday'. "Maybe I should punch you in the face." I said jokingly while I made jabs at his arm. He just laughed at me.

"You can punch me in the face if you want, but you'd probably just end up breaking your hand."

"Yeah probably" I admitted.

"So, what are you sorry for?"

"For being a fake imprint. You deserve a real one not a defective -"

"Bella, stop it. Sometimes we get exactly what we deserve because it's exactly what we need." I didn't have the energy to argue and I really didn't have the desire to either.

"Come here I'll sing you you're lullaby." He wrapped his arm around me and brought me in closer to him so that we were sharing his pillow. It didn't take long for me to fall asleep and my dreams to start.

I was standing in a living room, the same living room I stand in almost every night in my dreams. I stood there quietly as I watched the little boy and girl open presents. This time Jake sat on the floor with them and when they were finished they started putting together a puzzle. The children still didn't turn around and I gave up trying to see them. I sat on the couch and after awhile Jake joined me on the couch and I scooted closer to him, kissed him, and told him I loved him.

I woke up with a gasp. I had never did any of the initiating in the other dreams. I was always like an outside spectator, but with every dream I seemed to become more and more of a participant.

I was sitting up still trying to catch my breath when I noticed that Jacob was sitting next to me.

"Bella are you ok? Are you still having the vampire nightmares?"

"No, it wasn't a nightmare. I'm fine." He didn't say anything he just laid back down and so did I. "Jake, I'd be lost without you. You know that right?"

"Bells, I'd be lost without you, I hope _you_ know that."

"Merry Christmas" I whispered and I heard him say it back before I fell back to sleep.

***

"Merry Christmas! We're home!" Jake elbowed me in the side and gave me a scared look.

"He doesn't actually know that I practically live here so lets keep it that way."

"Whatever Jake"

My dad came down the stairs still in his pajamas and happy to see us. I showed him my present from Jake and he loved it. He already knew about it because he gave him the film from my camera, but he was really impressed with how well it turned out.

It only took us a moment before we were all seated in front of the tree. My dad got Jake a shirt with a wolf on it that said "A howling good time". Jake looked at me and smirked knowing that I had something to do with picking it out.

My dad loved his remote and he got me a gift certificate to a book store in Port Angles. He apologized that it wasn't more personal and said that he wasn't good at picking out what he called "girly presents", but I'm pretty sure that just meant he wasn't good at Christmas Eve crowds and depleted stock. I liked it anyway so it didn't matter to me.

I picked up wrapping paper and whatever else was lying around the living room before we moved to the kitchen so I could make breakfast. I was still in my (Emily's) pajamas because I said it just wouldn't be right to open presents in my clothes. Jake had laughed at me and said he didn't care what I wore, but he was getting dressed. As if on cue my father started talking to me.

"Bells, what are you wearing?"

"Oh these are Emily's. I borrowed them from her last night and I just didn't feel that it would be right to open presents in regular clothes."

My dad laughed at me and I went on with cooking breakfast. When we were finished I took a shower and finally did put on real clothes, a red sweater and jeans.

In the afternoon Angela , Ben, Riley, and Jamie came over and we built a snowman. They were excited because they said they don't usually get this much snow and I was excited because well, we never got any snow. I actually had a carrot for his nose and after I dug around in a drawer I found two buttons for eyes. When we were finished making the snowman's face Riley took off his scarf and wrapped it around the snowman.

I ran in to get the camera thinking that I might make another collage to go along with the one Jake made. Charlie came out with me and took pictures of us in front of the snowman. Angela took the camera from him when he went back inside and she took pictures of Jake and I making snow angels. I took pictures of Riley and Jamie throwing snowballs at each other and one of Angela and Ben sitting in front of the snowman.

We went inside and I made hot chocolate for everyone. They sat at the table while I poured it into the cups. Every few seconds I would toss a marshmallow over to the table with barely even looking in his direction, my failed attempt at being sneaky, but Jake caught each one. The other girls decided to throw some too, but Riley and Ben weren't as good at catching them as Jake and I saw him make a little sad face at all the fallen marshmallows on the floor.

I showed everyone my present from Jake and complimented Jamie and Angela on the pictures they had taken. They had thought it turned out really well too.

After awhile everyone left to get back to their families. Riley said that he was taking Jamie to meet his dad in Seattle and Angela and Ben were having dinner at her house.

My dad was going to shovel the sidewalk and the driveway, but Jacob had insisted. I told him he was on his own because I had just thawed out, but I knew he would be better off without me slowing him down.

I was setting up a board game for when Jake came back in when my dad walked in and sat by me on the couch.

"Hey Dad are you going to play Monopoly with us?"

"No"

"Aw, why not you can be the shoe" I was shaking the shoe in front of him and trying to make it sound really tempting, but really it was just a metal shoe.

"No Bella, I actually wanted to talk to you about something."

"Yeah" I said without looking up since I was still sorting the money.

"Are you and Jake dating now? You know like boyfriend and girlfriend"

"No dad, I'm just not ready for something like that yet." It looked like he had something to say about that, but then chose to say something else.

"Well, if your relationship has gotten physical then I just hope that you're being safe about it and -"

"Dad! What are you doing talking to me about sex on the day of the birth of baby Jesus!?"

"I'm just worried about you that's all." He shot back flustered and defensive.

"Well, don't worry about me. I don't have a boyfriend and I'm not kissing anyone or doing anything else for that matter. Besides, mom had this discussion with me years ago."

I was shaking my head in disbelief when I heard Charlie mumble something about going somewhere as he walked out the door.

Jacob came in a second later and got excited when he saw the game on the table.

"Ooh, we're playing monopoly? I love this game."

"I do too, but I'm not really in the mood to play anymore." I said as I tossed the money down, leaned back, and crossed my arms across my chest.

"Why what happened?"

"Charlie just tried having the sex talk with me and started talking about safe sex and I think my cheeks are permanently stained red." He laughed for a second until he realized that he was the other half of this equation.

"He really thought that!?"

"I guess. It's hard telling what that man thought and on Jesus' birthday no less." I was shaking my head in disapproval and all that was missing were some tsk tsk sounds. I guess your dad talking about sex on any day is mortifying enough, but something about having the discussion next to a nativity scene just made me feel dirty.

After I calmed down we did end up playing the game. I was the dog and Jake was the boat. I handed Jake another little house and he smiled at me really big like it wasn't just a little piece of plastic. I couldn't help, but smile back.

I never grew tired of seeing Jacob's smile over little things like winning at Monopoly or having your drink delivered to you by a little train.

***

Jake and I had been together most of the time since Christmas and today, New Year's Eve, we were getting ready for a party at my house. Charlie ended up getting the night off and had agreed to have a small party here, basically everyone that was at the Christmas party that he missed out on since he was at work that night. Angela, Ben, Riley, and Jamie were going to stop by before they went to the roller skating rink in Port Angles for the annual New Year's Eve party that was held there. The four of them liked hanging out together and Angela said it was because Jake and I were hermits (joking) and Jessica and Mike were totally embarrassing in public (truth). They had invited us to go with them ,but I could barely walk without causing permanent injury let alone glide smoothly through a crowd of people on wheeled shoes.

Most of us were standing around the dining room table and I was pouring punch for everyone while Hannah was trying desperately to help me and I could tell that she still felt bad for what she said the first time we met.

Riley was standing next me to and I could see him looking at each one of the Quiluete guys. At first I thought he was just taken aback by their size like most people are, but then I remembered what I said about Victoria. I nudged his arm and discreetly pointed towards Paul. His mouth opened a little and he gave a small nod. Jake looked at me curiously when he saw the exchange combined with the big grin on my face. I gave him the look that said that I would tell him later. He saw Paul catch our stares and give a smile and a hesitant wave which we all returned as friendly as possible. I heard Jake mumble under his breath that they were still getting dog bone shaped cookies next year. I chuckled and whispered to Jake that they could be real dog biscuits for all I cared and he seemed content with that saying that it would probably improve Paul's breath.

It was right before midnight and we were all standing in the living room with plastic cups that looked like champagne glasses with fake champagne which was actually sparkling juice. It was Jacob's idea he thought it would be fun. It was fine with me, even if we didn't have the chief of police sitting next to us I still wouldn't have wanted to drink actual alcohol, so sparkly juice in a fancy cup was fine with me.

I was standing in between Jake and Embry watching everyone talk and laugh. Jake had his arm around me and was next to the couch where Sam, Emily, and my dad were sitting with Billy right next to the end where my dad was.

The countdown started and everyone's voice's rang out around us until the ball dropped and it was finally midnight, all the couples around us were lost in each other's embrace . I had a big smile on my face and instantly turned to tell Jacob 'Happy New Year!', but when I did he was already leaning towards me. His lips brushed mine and my lips slightly twitched, but it happened so quickly that there really wasn't any time to have much of a reaction and as quickly as his lips had touched mine they were gone leaving a warm feeling in their place. I was stunned and stood there completely still as he whispered in my ear "This year will be better than the last, I promise you.".

I don't know if I really believed him. I don't think anything could replicate the hell I endured at the end of the year, but the beginning of the year was complete bliss. At least that's the way I remembered it. I didn't dwell on the fact that _he_ had to fight _his_ urge just to be around me or that I was almost killed by a vampire and had to be admitted to the hospital because it didn't matter, the only thing that registered was that I had _him _by my side and now I don't.

Every new year was just another year without him, but every new year was also a year closer to when I would leave this world…

I was snapped out of my daze by Emily hugging me and telling me 'happy new year'. We mingled a bit longer before everyone started heading home. Sam and Emily took Billy home and my dad agreed to let Jacob spend the night. As far as he knew Jacob hadn't spent the night since October and last night in fact Jacob was not here and I screamed like a banshee so he willingly agreed.

My father had went to bed a long time ago and we had cleaned up most of the mess downstairs. We both laid in my bed feeling exhausted, but sill pretty alert from all the commotion there had been all night. I was deep in thought when Jacob asked me a question.

"So, what was your resolution?"

"What?"

"You know your new year's resolution. What is it?"

"Don't get hunted by killer vampires." I mumbled in a serious sounding tone. The truth was I didn't make a stupid resolution. I survived by making it through each second until it was a minute and then an hour. Eventually the hours added up into days and the weeks and months started to slowly go by, but really I was still struggling with each second so I wasn't looking ahead making plans for an entire year. Besides a year without a vampire trying to make me lunch sounded like a pretty good change to me.

"Whatever Bella, good night" he said with a laugh.

I wondered what Jacob's resolution was, but I was too scared to ask.

"Good night" I said in return as he shut off the light.

________________________________________________________________________

**A/N - So, I know I changed the imprinting stuff around a little, but I wanted everyone else to have an imprint and I did away with the baby imprinting crap too. I get that it wasn't supposed to be 'dirty' or whatever and I'm not totally put off by it like some people, but yeah it is kind of creepy so this how we roll in the DM.**

**I'm back in school, co-leading a brownie troop, and a load of other crazy stuff so I'm sorry about the time in between updates, but I wanted to let you know that chapter 21 is finished, I just have to get chapter 20 (which I have a feeling will be long) finished and then we can have a double update.**

**The chapters have gotten changed a little with my impromptu adding of chapter 18 so this is how it will go down. Chapter 20 - Bella and Jake stuff, Chapter 21 will be the first part of what I call the 'big chapters' and Chapter 22 which is also written, but not all the way typed will be the second part and will answer pretty much all of your DM questions thus far. **

**Reviews are better than fuzzy dice…totes!**


	20. Chapter 20 Me and You

Disclaimer - SM owns Twilight characters, I just make them cry.

A/N -

OK, I know this update is WAY overdue, but my new story has taken over my life.

Thank you Beta Lulu!

*See notes below

**Chapter 20**

**Me and You**

* * *

**Previously on the DM:**

"_What?"_

"_You know your new year's resolution. What is it?"_

"_Don't get hunted by killer vampires." I mumbled in a serious sounding tone. The truth was I didn't make a stupid resolution. I survived by making it through each second until it was a minute and then an hour. Eventually the hours added up into days and the weeks and months started to slowly go by, but really I was still struggling with each second so I wasn't looking ahead making plans for an entire year. Besides a year without a vampire trying to make me lunch sounded like a pretty good change to me._

"_Whatever Bella, good night" he said with a laugh._

_I wondered what Jacob's resolution was, but I was too scared to ask._

"_Good night" I said in return as he shut off the light._

* * *

**BPOV - Mid January**

"Boo! Where's your seeing eye dog!?"

"Jacob! You can't say that kind of crap to the referee; you're gonna get us kicked out!" I smacked his arm when he was still yelling to show my disapproval of his courtside etiquette, or lack thereof as it happened to be.

He continued booing and I tugged on his sleeve to get him to sit back down.

"That _was_ a sucky call." Riley said defending Jake.

"Don't encourage him, Riley." I shot him a warning look, but he knew I wasn't really being serious and Jamie was laughing at all of us. By this time Jacob was completely ignoring us and talking to Ben who managed to take his eyes off of Angela long enough to participate in a conversation.

It was the first basketball game of the season, so we all came out to show our support. Well, I didn't paint my face or anything like some of the crazies here, but I purchased my ticket, sat in the bleachers, and occasionally clapped, so I would say that's the extent of my patronage since I had no desire to scream my head off or verbally abuse the referee like some people.

Angela had talked to us during the break and invited all of us to her house to watch a movie and eat pizza. I always felt terribly uncomfortable around them when they were all making out in the dark whenever we watched movies, but come to think about it they didn't make out any less in the daylight either which embarrassed me equally, if not more. Jake didn't care though, he said he was used to all the face sucking when he was around his 'brothers', so no big deal to him, but I always felt like we were expected to do the same. It wasn't that I felt pressured by Jake, because I didn't. He actually hadn't made any advances since New Year's, but I didn't really consider that much of an advance. It was barely more than the kiss on the cheek I got from my dad or Embry and neither one of us had brought it up.

Jacob's brow was furrowed as he watched the game. I had already given up trying to keep track of which basket was ours and was merely watching the players run back and forth. I leaned over and kissed his cheek just so I could see the huge smile that I knew would spread across his face. Well, I told myself that was the reason, but the truth was I was still dwelling on all of the making out I was just thinking about and I kind of felt bad. '_Baby steps, Bella' _I told myself as I let my fingers intertwine with his and we sat there watching the rest of the game. I wasn't sure where those steps were leading me, but I was ok with that…usually.

The game had ended with us winning, with no thanks to the referee as Jake had stated, and we made our way to Angela's.

Skippy had delivered the pizza and we were sitting in Angela's family room getting ready to watch a scary movie. Angela and Ben were on the couch, Riley and Jamie were sharing the recliner, and Jake and I were lying on the floor. He had his head on the pillows from the couch, but I was using his arm as a pillow.

We ate while we watched the movie, just talking and laughing with our friends, well when they weren't playing tonsil hockey. About twenty minutes into the movie the blood shed really started and the killer was loose in the house of extremely good looking, half naked girls killing them left and right. Jacob yelled out a few times "Don't open the door" or "Why would you take a shower when Tasha and Nicole are still missing!?", but we just laughed since I know at least I was thinking the same thing. The movie got pretty gory and every time I tensed up Jacob's arm would pull me closer to him, calming me with his warmth.

The next thing I know I'm looking up at Jacob's face while he's carrying me out of Angela's house and to his car.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I fell asleep." I said while rubbing my eyes.

"That's ok. You didn't miss much in the movie."

"Oh yeah, did they catch the masked killer?"

"No, I think there's gonna be a sequel."

"Actually, that was number 4" I said laughing and he just shook his head.

Jake dropped me off at the my house and promised to back after he dropped his car off at his house. In the morning I awoke to the unusual sight of the sun shining on my face and a vacant spot next to me.

I frowned a little, but didn't think much of it. Jake did have other responsibilities besides being my babysitter, although that's not how I really thought of him. It also wouldn't be the first time that he came to my room while I was sleeping and left before I woke up, but as I ran my hand over the blankets next to me I knew I had spent the entire night alone.

I got up and showered, standing for awhile under the hot water. It was different than it had been. Before, I would stand here trying to rid my ears of the sounds and my eyes of the sights from my nightmare hoping that the water would just wash them away, but now I hardly ever had that nightmare.

The longer I stood here the more worried I became about Jake or maybe something had happened with someone in the pack or Billy. I was driving myself crazy, so I finished showering and made myself presentable as far as combed, dry hair and brushed teeth and I walked back into my room wearing jeans and a t-shirt that said "As a matter of fact it DOES hurt when I smile". I had gotten the t-shirt when I went to the mall with Emily and Kim. They thought it was funny, but Alice would have drug me out of the store, quite literally and by force if need be, before letting me buy something so passé. It hurt to think about her and I had to quickly turn my thoughts to something else.

Even now looking back made me clutch my shirt at the burning sensation. I looked down at the words and smiled at how funny it was…ironic I know, but it wasn't that I _never _smiled it was that other people seemed to have a quota that I was unaware of and therefore never met and they constantly made it a point to tell me so, saying that I never smiled 'enough' as if I was just supposed to walk around all the live long day with a smile plastered on my face. Personally, I would worry more about a person like that, thinking they were either a loon or had their hand in their pocket a little too long.

I checked my phone to make sure Jake didn't call me while I was in the shower and after staring at it for awhile and willing it to ring, which it did not, I decided to call his house. When neither him nor Billy answered my imagination began running wild again.

I put on a gray, zip-up sweater over my t-shirt before I ran outside to look for footprints or even paw prints in the light dusting of snow that covered the ground. I didn't see anything, but I shivered in the cold. The view out of my window had been deceiving because although the sun was shining brightly it was as cold as ever out here. I looked across the snow covered yard and was almost blinded by the brightness of the sun reflecting off of the white snow making it sparkle like it was full of tiny diamonds. I let out a sigh, my breath visible in front me, but I couldn't take my eyes off the sight. It was beautiful and I had to fight the urge to go and lie down in it or stare at it until by corneas were fried. As if to spare me from hypothermia and blindness the clouds rolled in covering the sun and releasing my stare from the now ordinary snow. I turned around and walked slowly back into the house letting my eyes adjust to the dark contrast between my bedroom and how bright it had been outside.

I ended up calling Emily to see if she knew where Jake was. She said that she had just talked to him and was getting ready to call me because he thought it would be a good idea for me to spend the day at her house. I didn't worry about the reason , knowing that I could ask her when I got there, so I thanked her quickly and made my way out the door and drove to her house as fast as I could.

I walked into her house to see all of the girls sitting in the living room watching TV. I sat on the couch and tried to keep up with the sitcom they were watching. They were obviously well aware of what was going on, but I had never seen it before and between the various fighting and 'hooking up' and the other sorted nonsense that was going on., I was truly confused and lost.

It didn't help that most of the girls, namely Hannah and Abigail, were complaining how their plans had been ruined. I thought it was greatly rude of them and saw that Emily's feelings had been slightly hurt by their off-handed comments.

I was waiting for the right time to ask exactly what prompted this pow-wow of the wolf imprint club, but between palindrome and Abby I couldn't get a word in edgewise.

Eventually, there was a heavy make out scene in the show and some guy that they had been drooling over took his shirt off and they finally shut their mouths, or at least noise stopped coming out of them, for the moment. Right when I opened my mouth to ask Emily what was going on the phone rang. She jumped up to get it and all I heard was a few affirmative replies before she hung up.

"So, are the guys ok? Did they find something on patrol?" I asked weakly to Emily who had just sat back down on the couch next to me.

"Yes, they found _something_, but everything's fine now. No one was hurt and they've taken care of it and are making sure that he didn't have any companions with him."

The other girls had taken their eyes off of Shirtless McWashboard and directed all of their attention towards our conversation. It seemed that some of this was new information to them. I mean, not the whole vampire thing, just the details. Of course they knew the purpose of the wolves, but they didn't know it as well as I who had been both literally and figuratively in the middle of the whole war between the wolves and Victoria and Laurent or Emily who had been around it for so much longer than they had. She knew how grueling the fight against Victoria was and how hard they took all the human loss that they couldn't stop before she was finally destroyed. Emily even knew the Cu-.

My mind was snapped back to the conversation at hand when I heard Hannah resume her complaining.

"Filthy, fucking bloodsuckers I swear…"

"Bitch" I sneered under my breath as an involuntary action, but everyone heard me. As soon as I realized what I had said my hand flew up to cover my gaping mouth.

Hannah's incredulous look turned to that of pure disgust as she pointed her finger right at me.

"It's true! I didn't understand what Paul meant when he said he doubted your loyalties, but now I can see where your allegiance truly lies."

"Hannah, you have no idea about my allegiance and truth be told you probably can't even spell the word and are merely regurgitating the things you hear Paul say. If you want to know about my loyalty or allegiance all you have to do is ask. I was there when the last bloodsucker was killed and _I _spat right in her face. I know more about them than you could ever fathom in your pretty, little head between your stupid shows and manicures so I suggest you just shut your mouth." I was composed, but stern and I could tell everyone was shocked. Once I had finished there wasn't a sound to be heard in the room.

I stomped outside and just sat on the porch letting the cool wind ease my burning chest, although it did little good. I could hear Emily talking to them. She explained the treaty that was otherwise moot at the current time and rarely discussed anymore since the 'different cold ones' had left months ago. I heard her explain how they were different and that I went to school with them and they were my friends. All the girls gasped at the thought of being friends with a leach, or rather several leaches, but that was only the half of it. I knew Emily knew, but she wouldn't tell them anything short of what she thought was necessary. She told them not to ask about why the left and when there was a pause and I assumed they would start asking other questions I walked back in just to divert the questions away from Emily and spare her from trying to answer questions that were meant for me.

I apologized directly to Hannah and assured her that I had no concern for the rogue vamps that the wolves come across I just acted without thinking first, I had gotten defensive because I was already thinking about Alice and how much I missed her and it just came out. I was trying hard not to break down crying and sat back down on the couch.

They asked to hear about Alice and I briefly described her. Then they asked if I was ever afraid or if they ever tried to bite me. It quickly went downhill from there and they began asking questions that included coffins, bats, and if their house was like a dungeon. I answered all the questions with a brief response and I could see Emily looking at me with apologetic eyes.

The boys walked in and took in the sight that probably resembled me being the keynote speaker at a seminar since I was seated on the couch and the other girls were sitting in front of me. They had inched closer and closer and were listening intently when the guys walked in.

"What are you doing?" Jared asked, the confusion evident on his face.

"Bella is telling us all about her vampires" Clara chimed in innocently like she was sitting at story time in front of her kindergarten teacher.

I looked at Jacob weakly like I was being fed to the lions. He sat next to me wrapping his arms around me and letting my head nuzzle against his chest.

"Emily why don't you drive the other girls home while we talk to Bella" Sam said as all the other guys stood around him.

"Hey! Why does she get to stay!?" Hannah asked in a jealous tone.

"Because she's the resident vampire expert evidently." Paul said with a smile.

I knew he wasn't being his usual asshole self, but then he walked over to me and patted my head before he walked Hannah out to the car. I sat there dazed and looking out the window on the look out for flying pigs.

Once the girls were gone and the guys had come back in they all looked at me regretfully.

Jake and I were still sitting on the couch side by side and the other guys were spread around the small living room.

"Are we going to wait for Emily?" I asked Sam.

"No, we will fill her in when she returns." I nodded at his authoritative statement.

"Bella, there was a vampire dangerously close to your house and he's been close to here too. Do you know who it could be?" Jacob asked quietly

"N-not if it wasn't one of the Cullen's." I said sadly barely spitting out their name.

"No, and we don't know his name." Paul said almost laughing. They still thought it was the funniest thing that _they_ had names. I just ignored it.

"His build was similar to Emmett, but his skin was darker, but still pale at the same time which was odd. He didn't seem to be able to do anything special-" Sam was interrupted by Paul.

"Except the bastard was awfully strong, I mean even for a bloodsucker."

"That's no joke." Embry said rubbing his arm.

"Not that he stood a chance against a pack as large as ours." Jared added thoughtfully.

"Oh, he had a French accent too." Jacob noted and then looked at me like I was going to pull out my vampire rolodex and start flipping through it.

"He had an accent like Laurent?" I asked him.

"No, it wasn't French it was…um."

"Italian" Sam said flatly.

"Oh…OH!"

"What!?" Everyone exclaimed making the sound fill the small room.

"The Volturi are in Italy." My tone was grave and they looked at me clueless which I should have expected. "The Volturi are like the leaders of all the vampires. They are very old and very powerful. There are no vampires above the Volturi or their laws."

"Their laws?" Jacob asked quietly.

"I don't know all of them, but I know the most important." They all waited with their eyes glued to me waiting for a response. It was so tense and quiet you could hear a pin drop. "Never tell a human." I said solemnly.

The realization hit everyone, but not much else was said. Jacob's arms tightened around me and I did hear Jared agree that I was the resident vampire expert and I wondered if a badge or perhaps a certificate came along with such a delightful title. I remained on the couch, lost in my trivial, sleep deprived thoughts as they discussed their strategies in case back up would come. I don't know why they were trying to spare me, resident expert, from the obvious truth., back up would come. The only question was when or I guess there were two questions the other being would this be the time that my luck ran out?

"You look tired, baby. Let's get you to bed"

"Oh my, trying to get me in bed so early?" I said playfully. Jake was usually the one with the sense of humor and always cracking jokes, but he seemed so bothered by the events of the day that he didn't offer much of a response.

It didn't take long before we were sitting quietly in my truck, parked in front of my house. Charlie was still working, but for some reason we didn't move and didn't say anything either. I sat there and stared at the moon that was completely full and bright. I was thinking how ironic it was that I was sitting next to a werewolf and staring at a full moon.

"Bella honey, I'm sorry." It was a very heartfelt apology and as he was saying it he was also moving my hair out of my face, his fingertips touching me briefly and leaving a warm sensation in their wake.

"Jake, I was joking about the bed thing earlier." I said trying to wave off his guilt and his hand from my hair.

"No, I meant about the resolution. I was hoping that this would be a better year for you."

"It still can be." I said weakly. I'm not sure what I meant by that, but at the moment I thought not dying would be a pretty positive thing.

"You look exhausted. Are you having _the_ nightmare again?"

"No, I just don't sleep well without you." I admitted. "I get cold and wake up a lot." Some cold I could deal with, or rather liked, but not the cold of just being alone.

"Oh, I see how it is. I'm just your personal space heater, huh?" He asked laughing.

"Whatever Jake, lets go to bed." I was still trying to keep the mood light because Jacob was just joking, but I couldn't help the twinge of guilt I felt.

We were back to mission 'Don't let Bella get eaten' so, I knew there was no use in trying to send Jacob home tonight. He would sooner request a dog house outside my window before going home.

I made my way to my bedroom and once we were both ready for bed I turned off the light and climbed in bed, but my mind was still weighing heavily on my thoughts from earlier.

"Jake?"

"Yes"

My eyes hadn't adjusted yet and I could barely make him out laying next to me and there was still a space between us.

"I'm tired of this." I said weakly.

"Honey, I know you're tired. Come here and I'll sing your lullaby."

That's not what I meant, but I really was exhausted, so I didn't argue. I just obeyed his words and brought myself closer until my head was on his arm and his other arm was draped over me. My lullaby was barely a whisper, but I didn't hear much of it as I quickly succumbed to my exhaustion.

I shivered slightly in my sleep and quickly brought myself up to a sitting position.

"Jacob!" I screamed not even awake yet, but I had realized he was gone and I panicked.

"Bella, I'm right here." He said gently as he held me close. He had been sitting on the rocking chair before I had screamed for him and I could tell that he had changed his clothes.

"Is my dad gone?"

"Yeah, luckily since you were screaming my name."

I furrowed my brow because I usually only yelled _his_ name, but I thought Jacob was gone and I panicked. Even in my sleep I knew he wasn't next to me and I was afraid that with everything that had happened yesterday that he was gone and would never come back. My eyes started to tear and my lip started to quiver at the thought.

"I thought you were gone." I said while my voice cracked and I hugged him a little tighter.

"Never." He replied in a whisper almost too quiet to hear. "So, Honey what are we doing today?" He asked while looking down at me and giving me a smile. He was trying to lighten the mood and it worked.

I gave him an appraising look before I nodded my head a couple of times and said "Well, first things first and I believe it's omelettes today." I said as if I were making an important declaration.

His mouth dropped open a little, but I could see the happy look on his face. "Really? You haven't made those in a long time."

"I know. I just hope we have enough eggs." I said with a chuckle even though I was being completely serious.

I took a shower while Jacob went to get more eggs saying that we couldn't have too many. I just agreed and handed over my truck keys and a few dollars.

I stood in front of my closet completely dressed except for a shirt. My hand had stopped on the blue one I bought at the mall to replace the one I had lost. I ripped the tags off and put it on trying not to make a big deal out of a stupid shirt.

My foot was on the floorboard that Jacob had accidentally opened on Christmas Eve. I could feel it move under my foot as I shifted my weight and I could hear it creak. I thought about what was under there. All of my things from _him. _The pictures, the CD…everything that I had once thought was important, but they weren't. They were just things. Nothing more than inanimate objects. They weren't links to _him_ or even things I deserved.

There had been many times that I wanted to look at those pictures to see _him _looking back at me, to see me with _him_, to see the love in _his_ eyes. I wanted a reminder that it was real, that I hadn't just dreamt it or made it up in my head, but the searing pain in my chest was reminder enough. The void in my heart told me that nothing had been more true and that's all I was to have.

'_Perhaps you will come see me again. Oh, how I miss your fingers in my hair and your voice in my ears. I have missed it so.' _I thought.

'_When you need me I will be there, Love.' _His voice replied simply in my mind and I nodded in agreement to no one, but myself.

A few dozen eggs and hours later Jake and I had decided to go to Port Angles. He went and got his car since he said that riding a donkey would be faster than my truck. I ignored the comment because it was fairly accurate.

I saw him pull up and I ran out the front door and into the cold nearly falling down the steps in my haste to make it to the warm car. I saw Jacob shake his head at my near mishap as I climbed into the passenger seat. I looked up and he was giving me this look of warning while he squinted his eyes at me. I rolled my eyes and told him I knew I still wasn't allowed to touch his radio and he seemed to be pleased with that and we took off down the street. I watched the fuzzy dice bounce off each other for awhile.

We went to the bowling alley and I couldn't remember the last time I had been bowling. I think it was when I was a little girl with Charlie. It was fun except that I slipped on the waxed floor once and fell right on my butt luckily not dropping the ball on myself. Jake had acted like it was an emergency, but I told him I was fine. I probably had a bruised tailbone, but I other than that I was fine.

Not long after that I bowled a strike. Unfortunately, I don't think it counted being as my ball flew into the neighboring lane and took out all of their pins instead. Luckily it wasn't one of those die hard bowlers, it was a little kid who was excited that he finally got to see his name pop up on the screen above the word 'Strike'.

For my safety, and the safety of all those around me, we chose not to bowl another game. We were sitting there joking around and putting our shoes back on when my phone rang. I saw that it was Sam and I instantly felt nauseous and handed the phone over to Jake. It was awhile ago that he had decided to put all of the guys' numbers in my phone just in case I would ever need to call them or I guess they may want to call me seeing as I _am _the resident expert and all. I chuckled a little to myself remembering how I wanted a badge or something the previous night.

Sam was only calling to say that there wasn't any problems either today or last night and Jacob confirmed that there was nothing out of the ordinary near my house either. That relieved me somewhat. I heard Jared in the background say something about being glad that I was a 'vampire magnet' because he had never had this much fun before. I wasn't glad at all, not about these kind of vampires, but I knew how the boys lived for the hunt, I've even seen it with my own eyes, so I understood what he meant by it.

That night Jake and I had dinner together at my house and afterwards he sat in the kitchen and talked with me while I cleaned up and my dad watched television. When Jake left to take his car home I knew he wasn't coming back. He would be out in the woods with half of the pack as they patrolled a large section of land. I knew it was much like how it had been when Victoria was still on the loose and I shuddered to think about her.

I was laying under the cold blankets and I couldn't stop shivering.

"Please come back now." I whispered into the silence, but there was no response. "I'm begging you please, I need you." I pleaded with urgency.

"It is not time yet, Love. When it is you will know."

At least I got to hear his voice. A small consolation, but I'll take it. I nodded in defeat and drifted off to sleep.

**A/N - **

**For the record in high school I did have a shirt that said "As A Matter of Fact It DOES Hurt When I Smile" lol.**

**Oh, If you don't live somewhere where it snows it really does sparkle like that in the sunshine. I just imagined that if you've never seen snow you may have thought I was on crack or something.**

**This chapter took on it's own life and went wherever it wanted to go, which isn't uncommon for my chapters but it kind of peed me off this time. So, while taking a break I got a wild idea for another story and wrote the first and second chapter that night and the rest as they say is history or some mumbo jumbo stuff like that. The other story (The Bet) is the polar opposite of this story so if that sounds offensive (because it is) or if you are underage no need to check it out, but that's what I've been up to.**

**I was going to hold the next chapter hostage for reviews, but I've decided against it. I will post it ASAP (it's being beta'd), but would appreciate a review or a little shout out just to let me know you're still alive and reading. Thanks!**

**Reviews are better than having a double update!**


	21. Chapter 21 Where I Should Be

Disclaimer - Summer owns a ninja cat. Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight.

A/N - I love all my readers and my awesome beta lulu. I hope everyone has their hats so they can hold the eff onto them and without further adieu here we go…

**This chapter wasn't officially beta'd because Lulu is busy preparing for a house guest, so if you see a mistake it is all my fault…and now on with the show.

* * *

"_**Forgetting all I'm lacking Completely incomplete I'll take your invitation You take all of me…"**_

_**~Lifehouse **_

**Chapter 21**

**Where I Should Be**

**BPOV - March**

The past couple of months went by without incident. The entire pack had patrolled everyday until slowly they became comfortable with less guys and less days. They hadn't even come across a sign of another vampire. Of course they were still on alert, but we had no proof that that vampire had been from the Volturi and with each passing day it seemed as if it had been a coincidence. If the Volturi did believe there was a law broken I doubted they would just sit idly by.

Jake and I continued our routine and seemed to have fallen into a nice rhythm as was easy for us. The other day we went with our fathers over to visit Harry Clearwater who hadn't been feeling well. Jake had tried to teach me to roller skate in the basement, a task I'm certain he has since given up on. The whole time we were there Seth had followed Jake around like a lost puppy. Seth hung on every word that Jake spoke and I knew it was because he looked up to him, more figuratively than literally since it seemed that boy was growing like a weed also.

Today had been a long day, actually it had been a long week. It was the beginning of March and the halls were buzzing about prom and everywhere I looked were memories of _him_.

'_He's gone' _I told myself. It was ok to remember, but I still couldn't just let go and the worst part was I didn't think I really wanted to. After all Jacob had done for me, and continues to do for me, but I still couldn't accept him and I knew he would never make me.

I pulled up at Jake's house, but I didn't see anyone and no one answered when I knocked on the door, so I walked around to Jacob's makeshift garage. As I got closer I heard voices.

"So, Bella asked Jake to the dance." Someone, Paul I think, said in a taunting voice.

"Her name is not Bella" Jake replied.

"Um, hi guys" I said meekly as I stood in the entrance. They all looked at me nervously, but Jake's eyes looked huge and he definitely looked the most nervous.

"So, did you forget my name again?" I asked trying to make a joke out of what he said because I clearly had no idea what it meant.

"No, it's a new Bella, the new girl at school, and she asked Jake out." Jared didn't even look up from whatever he was doing under the car hood with a wrench in his hand and Jacob instantly whipped him with the rag he had tucked in his belt loop. "Geez Jake, Kim told her you had a girlfriend." Jared said while rubbing his cheek for a second.

"She's not a new Bella her name is Annabella and she goes by Annie _not _Bella" I just stared at Jake in disbelief. I had no clue what was going on, but I was sure that I didn't want to know so I mumbled some goodbyes and quickly left the garage and began practically running to my truck.

"Bella wait! Please wait!"

He caught up with me and spun me around so I was looking up at him. I felt tears rolling down my cheeks and it felt just like that day I came here to tell him I knew he was a werewolf. I hated that day and I was feeling the same rejection as I had then.

"Oh, I'm sorry are you talking to me or your new Bella because I wasn't sure." It was sarcastic, but I was hurt. I knew this day would come. I was right this whole time and I was right not to let go of _him _because _he_ was all I had left that was mine forever… even if it was just amemory.

"Dammit there is no new Bella." He was looking right into my eyes and his voice sounded desperate.

"Oh yeah, _Annie, _whatever. I'll talk to you later." I tried to swat his hands off my shoulders, but it didn't do any good.

"Bella, please stop." He begged quietly.

"This is it isn't?" I was trying to choke back my sobs, but failing miserably and the tears were coming down even quicker now. "I knew this day would come."

"Bella, I'm not going to the dance with some other girl."

"It's not the dance I'm worried about." I said softly.

"You think I…imprinted on her?"

"Did you?" I squeaked out as the tears were still coming down.

"No Bella, of course not."

If his hands hadn't been on my arms I would've fallen after hearing those words. I spent so much time desperately clutching onto a ghost that I really was missing out on what was in front of me.

I felt my feet dangling in the air and my head was pressed against Jacob's chest. After a moment of not being able to breathe Jacob sat me back down on the muddy ground.

"Jake, I'm going to home now, but I'll call you later."

I was shivering as my hair was drenched by this time. It had been cold all day, but it was getting even colder and the rain was starting to freeze into a mixture of rain and snow that I really didn't feel like standing in.

"Sure Honey, do you want me to come with you?"

"No, that's ok finish working on your car. I have some homework and stuff to do anyway."

"Bella, it's Friday and you're gonna go home and do homework?"

"Yeah, I guess I am." I said with a smile.

"Ok, call me later then."

"Ok, Jake" I kissed him on the cheek and made my way home.

Charlie wasn't home yet when I got there and I jumped in the shower to escape my cold, wet clothes.

I let the hot water relax me, but it didn't fully work, I was still troubled by everything that just happened at Jake's.

I stood in my room still in my bath towel looking for something to change into. I dug in my drawer and skipped over the grey t-shirt that no longer comforted me like it used to. I remember the day I almost pummeled, ok did pummel, Charlie when he was trying to be helpful and put my clothes in the wash, but the truth was it hadn't smell like _him _anymore anyway and it just smelled, well to be honest, pretty rank.

I settled on a Spartan t-shirt and one of the shorts that Jessica had given me.

I went downstairs, but didn't really feel like doing anything. I usually steered clear of the TV unless Jake and I were watching something. I looked at the fridge, but I wasn't really hungry and usually only made a snack right when I came home when Jake was with me. Wow, I really was lost without Jake.

I sat down at the table and let out a big sigh as I let my head fall to my arms.

I had gotten so worked up by the thought of Jacob going to a dance with another girl that it really was unnerving. I knew the truth was that it wasn't really the thought of the dance, or anything else so trivial, that made my world feel like it was spinning out of control…again. It was the thought that _my _Jacob had imprinted on someone…found his true soul mate and would be lost to me forever.

I knew he wasn't really _my _Jacob, but he could be. I only had to say the word and it would be so. I knew that the conversation was a mere formality as Jacob already loved me, was already dedicated to me as much as he could be, but it would be necessary for me to say everything that I felt I needed to say. To let him know that I wasn't settling, that I didn't have a problem being a floral tea cup with an abstract designed saucer - a mismatched set. That it was him that should have a problem with being a mint condition saucer with a glued back together tea cup, but I knew that he wouldn't.

"Bells, are you ok?" I about jumped out of my skin.

"Dad, I didn't even hear you come in."

"Is Jake here?" he asked looking around.

"No"

"Did something happen Bella?" It was a question, but he could tell by my disposition and the unusual absence of Jacob by my side that something was wrong.

"Yes. No. I don't know…ugh!" my head was back down on my arms, but I lifted it again when I felt Charlie's hand pat my back. He sat at the table next to me with a look of true concern on his face. After seeing how worried Charlie looked I started talking and it just came out.

"Some girl asked Jake to a dance and the guys were calling her 'New Bella' and I felt replaced and it was horrible."

"I thought Jake's friends were your friends too?"

"They are. They weren't saying it to be mean it's just that her name is similar to mine. They even told her that he had a girlfriend. I mean I'm not his girlfriend, but everyone considers us a couple. What really bothered me was that I was worried that Jake _did_ want to go out with her." That was a mostly accurate representation of the truth. Everyone looked at me as his imprint which was similar to a girlfriend and I was more afraid that she was Jacob's soul mate than him wanting to go out with her, but close enough I guess.

"So, did he?"

"No, not at all, but I was so afraid that he did."

"What do you think that means?"

"I don't know dad. I'm scared to think about it." I was scared because I had a pretty good idea exactly what it meant.

"I know you are sweetie, but you can't spend you're whole life being afraid. Let me ask you a question. Are Jacob's friends the only ones that consider the two of you a couple?"

"Well, you thought we were dating and my friends pretty much consider us a couple. Billy doesn't, but he knows we're pretty much inseparable." Billy actually knew a heck of a lot more than Charlie did, but the truth was everyone that laid eyes on us thought we were a couple - the teachers in the parking lot when Jake drove me to school, the checkout lady at the grocery store, even Skippy the pizza delivery boy.

"So, who does that leave that doesn't think you're a couple?"

"Me and Jacob, I guess"

"Bells be honest here, If Jacob didn't think of you as something more he would've gone out with that girl. He cares about you too much and he understands in a bizarre way what you've been through so I know he won't pressure you, but someone can only wait so long, just think about that."

"But -" I didn't like this question of his at all, but he quickly interrupted me.

"That's right Bella, that just leaves you" he patted my hand and then went upstairs to change out of his uniform. I sighed and let my head fall back down to my arms.

***

I didn't feel much like cooking and since it was just the two of us I made grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup. Which made me think of Jacob's 'famous grilled cheese' that he made for me one of the first nights at his house, but I was trying hard not to think about him.

Charlie and I didn't talk very much during dinner and when we were finished I went upstairs not even bothering to do the dishes or anything. They weren't going anywhere, I could just do them tomorrow.

I went upstairs and crawled into bed reading the first book I had grabbed off the shelf, but I couldn't concentrate. I could only think about Jacob. I think it was pretty apparent after today that I did want to be with him, but just because he didn't imprint on this girl didn't mean he wouldn't imprint on the next one. Then again he was fairly certain that he wouldn't. I was so confused, but maybe I wasn't as confused as I was scared. Charlie was right, I couldn't live my whole life being afraid. A rash decision was made, I would go to Jacob's house right now and tell him. I wasn't exactly sure what I would tell him, but I would tell him something.

I ran downstairs looking for my coat and keys. I put my coat on and just slid down to the floor and sat by the door wondering exactly what I should say.

"Bells, what are you doing?"

"Um dad, I need to go to Jake's. I really need to talk to him."

"I understand, but it's too icy. Joe at the station said there's already been three wrecks, luckily nothing too bad, but you'll just have to wait 'til tomorrow. The roads will be better when the sun comes up."

"Yeah, you're right, dad." I agreed and he helped me off the floor and gave me a reassuring smile before he made his way back to the recliner and whatever sports show was resuming from a commercial break.

I slipped my coat off and walked back upstairs. I had almost went out in pitch darkness, in the middle of an ice storm, wearing shorts. I clearly needed to give this more thought.

I couldn't find my cell phone so I grabbed the phone off my nightstand and after plopping down on my bed I called Jake. We talked for awhile, but about nothing of real importance. What I had to say was not something that I wanted to say over the phone. He told me about fixing his car and how he had dinner with Sam and Emily because she was the next best cook that he knew. He kept talking until he heard me yawning.

"Do you want me to let you go?" No, I didn't ever want him to let me go. That was my answer, I could never be without Jacob and I knew the choice I had to make. It wasn't easy and it still scared the shit out of me, but it had to be done. "Bella, can you hear me?"

"Oh yeah, sorry. No, I don't want you to let me go." I said honestly even though it was more of an answer to my own question than his. "Actually, I wanted to see if I could come over in the morning."

"Of course you can, but you sound tired. You should get some sleep."

"Will you sing my lullaby?"

"Sure thing honey."

***

In my dream I was standing on green grass near a creek that was surrounded by trees. On my right near the trees was Edward and on my left where I could see a house at the top of a hill was Jacob. I kept looking back and forth . I had to choose, but I wasn't sure where I should be.

My eyes stopped on Edward and I slowly took a step towards him, but every time I did Jacob would start to disappear.

I panicked when I saw that Jacob was almost gone and I started drifting to the left, but my chest ached and burned so bad. I started to move back towards Edward, but Jake kept fading away.

"Don't go!" I yelled. I took one more look towards the right and he said "Love, I'm so sorry for everything I've done. I just want you to be happy." I nodded with tears running down my cheeks and I began walking to Jacob, but he was almost completely gone. "I love you, Jacob. Don't go!". He reappeared completely and once I reached him, he swept me up in his arms. He looked into my eyes and I kissed him. He never put me down and carried me all the way to the house. I never looked back towards the trees and when we walked through the door of the house I heard two little voices yell "Mommy!" and I could hear their feet hitting the floor as they were fast approaching.

I woke up with a small scream, only because I was so surprised. I had the weirdest feeling in the pit of my stomach. I knew it was because of _him_. I could still hear his words as if he had actually said them to me. It felt like he really was standing in front of me and I couldn't shake the eerie feeling, but I knew what I had to do. I wasn't letting go of _him_, he would be mine always, but I was going to live my life before it was too late.

I jumped out of bed and grabbed some clothes out of my closet. I left the t-shirt on and threw on my cheerleading track suit over it. I hadn't worn it since I quit, but it was comfortable and God knows that Charlie had paid a small fortune for it.

I ran outside and got into my truck. I didn't hesitate for fear that I would lose my nerve. The feeling in my stomach had only grown larger to where I could feel it throughout my whole body, but I told myself that I was just nervous.

The sun was barely rising, but the storm had stopped quite awhile ago. I sped off down the street without paying any attention to the speed limit. Right before I got to the bridge something in my rear view mirror caught my attention and I instinctively looked at my speedometer. I was going far too fast so I tapped on the brakes and that's when it happened. My truck spun out of control, I frantically maneuvered the steering wheel, but it was futile and soon I was crashing through the guard rail and plunging into the dark waters of the ocean with a giant splash. All I could hear was the water pouring in and it was coming so fast. I struggled to get the door open, but it was no use the pressure was too strong. I beat my fists on the window and started kicking it with my feet. I even started kicking the windshield, but nothing was working and I was now completely under the water. It was so cold and I remember giving one last kick before it was so dark I couldn't see anything until I turned my head and there he was…there was Edward.

I wasn't scared anymore, I wasn't panicked, or even struggling. My hand drifted towards him and I could feel the electricity. I could feel him there with me and I knew everything would be ok. It was time and he was here for me and I knew that I was right were I should be…I was home.

The darkness took over and I smiled as I drifted off into the dark oblivion.

I had been in the darkness for awhile when I finally opened my eyes. I didn't feel anything except that Edward was still with me. All I saw was white all around me, but it was blurry. I blinked my eyes and looked around, stopping immediately when our eyes met. They were dark black just like the last night I saw him and he was beautiful. My hallucinations had never did him justice. I was now face to face with the one person I feared I would never see again and I could see every pale detail of his face and every different shade in his careless hair…it was Edward. I could feel the electricity and I could smell the same smell that was on that shirt or the couch, but it never smelled as good as this. My chest didn't burn, I didn't feel empty inside, I no longer felt hopeless. I felt complete again.

I was shocked that I had survived as long as I did without him, but I was finally at peace.

I opened my mouth and said the first thing that came to mind "And in death they were not parted". I heard his velvety voice say something and then the darkness crept over my eyes again.

* * *

**A/N - OK, there you have it. You can now take your hat off, but keep it handy for the next chapter and true to my word ALL of your questions will be answered…well, at least the bulk of them.**

**I was afraid that 'New Bella' would seem corny, but my Beta assured me it wasn't so I believe her. The idea was that I wanted to stress the point that Bella was feeling completely replaced and I thought that 'New Bella' really did that. That's all it was meant for, so that character won't come up again.**

**I thought some of you may wonder why the heck didn't Alice see this coming. Well, she did and because I love all of you so much I will tell you that the next chapter is in her point of view. **

**The last thing that Bella says is actually from the Bible ~ 2 Samuel 1:23.**

**I can't think of anything else that would need clarified that won't be explained next chappie.**

**Question for you guys - Where do **_**you**_** think Bella should be?**

**My fave line - "…**I didn't have a problem being a floral tea cup with an abstract designed saucer - a mismatched set. That it was him that should have a problem with being a mint condition saucer with a glued back together tea cup, but I knew that he wouldn't."

**Note - I will be on holiday for several days with Beta Lulu, but hope to have the epic chapter 22 posted around Thanksgiving. Don't worry, just go see NM a couple of extra times! lol**

**Reviews are better than finally finding out what in the hell is up with Edward…well to me anyway.**


	22. Chapter 22 Going Home

**Disclaimer - I do not own Twilight.**

**  
A/N - Thanks to all of the readers and of course Beta Lulu!**

**  
Here it is the big chapter that I've been so anxious to post! *Summer puts hat on* OK, lets rock this bad boy!**

**  
*Bad language warning! It's been really mild thus far, but I knew there would be some foul things said in this chapter, so this is the whole reason why I rated this story M. **

**  
Chapter 22**

**Going Home**

_"I am not afraid to keep on living_

_I am not afraid to walk this world alone… _

_Nothing you can say can stop me going home"_

_Famous Last Words, My Chemical Romance_

**APOV**

I sat in the large living room of our home, an expansive cabin in Denali, where we had lived before our move to Forks a few years prior. I was seated at a small table across from Jasper. My hand hovered over several chess pieces that were on the board that was actually the top of the table.

I was surprised that I had even convinced him to play with me, as no one ever wanted to, and I suppose I could see why. My 'unfair advantage' did seem to take the fun away, well for them at least. The only one that did have fun despite my advantage was Edward as he had his own advantage which had leveled the playing field. I knew that's why Jasper had so eagerly agreed to this game. Poor Jasper was so tired of feeling all of the animosity and grief from everyone that very rarely was he even in the house when the others were. Most of them were gone now, out hunting or visiting with the other coven nearby. He smiled brightly when I cheerfully exclaimed "check mate!" yet again, but his smile faded somewhat and I heard him grumble something about switching games, perhaps to something with a bit more chance like Yahtzee. He was still going over possibilities when all of a sudden I couldn't breathe. I didn't even need to breathe, but at that moment I felt like I did and that I couldn't - I was drowning.

The vision came quickly - screeching tires, crashing, and water all around me with no escape. I was clawing at my throat desperate to take in an unnecessary breath when the vision ended as abruptly as it had began. I immediately started taking in air with a horrified gasp and I knew what I had just seen. At the same moment I heard an equally horrified cry from the couch as Edward shot up and off of it in a split second. Under any other circumstance it would have been a sight to rejoice in, to finally see Edward off the couch, he had resided on it much like a gargoyle on the side of a building since his return, but we were too stunned and upset to speak.

I saw Jasper looking at us incredulously and I could tell he was confused and pained by the feelings that were coming off of us. I mouthed the word "Bella" and he nodded.

I turned my gaze back to Edward who was standing in the same exact spot next to the couch and was still clutching the blue shirt that he never let go of. He stared back and said with the utmost certainty "We must leave at once."

"By 'we' I am sure that you mean 'me'" I said in a vengeful tone as I pointed to myself for the word 'me'.

"No, I mean we - you and I - now let's go!" His shout sounded more like a growl and I didn't care for it at all.

I knew he was lacking in the sanity department ever since we left Forks…ever since we left _her_, but I didn't have time for this nonsense. I was not going to let her die! I ignored Edward's idiotic assumption and began dialing the number for the airlines.

"It will be quicker to drive!" he shouted.

That was probably true and I quickly made my way around the house grabbing the keys to the fastest car, extra cash, blankets, and whatever else I could see that we may need. My cell phone was in my purse and I would try to call her from the road, not wanting to spare a second. All the while Edward followed me like a shadow.

I took only a brief moment to fill Jasper in on what was going on and darted out the door and towards the garage. Edward had beat me inside and was standing in front of the driver's side door to the car that he knew I was planning on taking.

"Edward you're not going. You can't!" I shouted. "Now move, you're wasting my time - _Bella's_ time!"

He barely flinched and anyone else wouldn't have noticed it, the same way they wouldn't have noticed him clutch the shirt a little tighter with the mere mention of her name. No one dared to say or think her name in his presence. It really wasn't that difficult since when Edward wasn't avoiding us, we were avoiding him. He had recently spent a few months in Europe and hadn't been back for very long, but I was the only one that knew the reason why.

"I can't let her die" he stated squarely.

"Then move because I have no intention on allowing that either."

"I have to go with you. I have to do everything in my power to save her." He said it dutifully, but it sounded more desperate than anything else, but that did not change anything.

"Oh yeah, how did it work out the last time you tried to 'save' her? Yeah, we both saw how that worked out…it didn't. You're not going! You're DEAD! Or maybe you forgot." I said maliciously as I tried to wrench him off the door. He wouldn't budge and it made my anger grow. How obstinate and selfish could one person be that he wouldn't even let me escape my own guilt to pay my retribution.

"I am going." he stated calmly not even alarmed by my outburst and he calmly took the keys out of my hand and slid into the driver's seat. I was done wasting time so I jumped into the car also and we backed out of the driveway and pulled out onto the snow covered path that led to the main road quicker than anyone would think possible.

"This is ridiculous Edward and you know it." he didn't even bother to respond. "Well, that's great, just great!" I declared as I threw both my hands into the air. "I'm so glad that you're enjoying playing God with someone's LIFE! You made her think you were dead, had me convince her of it, now you're just going to waltz in and say what? You made your decision Edward, made it for all of us, and there's no going back now. You knew there would be no going back."

He sat there completely silent and that's when it came to me, he didn't think we'd make it. He wasn't worried about her seeing him, he was only worried about seeing her one last time and if that was true he would leave for Italy immediately afterwards.

"That won't happen!" I snapped. "I will try to see how much time we have." I leaned back in my seat and closed my eyes. I could only hear the quiet hum of the engine and the sound of the tires as they glided over the pavement with remarkable speed, but no vision came and instead I was brought back to a few days after Bella's birthday party.

**_September…_**

What happened that night was that I did see Edward's decision to fight Victoria the very second he made it and we got there, all of us, and it was just as I had seen it in my vision. Edward and Victoria's bodies colliding, she was clawing at him, but the only real damage she did was to his shirt. Her hair swirled all around her in a fiery halo and she howled like a demon possessed. She was determined, but Edward was far more determined and the instinctual growls that came from him sounded to be that of a true predator.

When the neighbor's porch light came on Victoria took the second distraction for her advantage and took off into the trees. Everyone else pursued her, but as soon as she was out of Edward's clutch he made the decision and I fell to my knees with a tearless sob.

His only fear in this world was the death of his beloved Bella, but almost matching that fear was that he would be the cause of it. He already thought of himself as the cause of so much that had went wrong in her life. This was the final incident and he knew what he had to do.

"She won't let you go." I whimpered. "She can't, she loves you too much."

"I know, Alice." he was absolutely distraught and that's when I saw the rest of his decision.

"No! Edward I can't. I won't."

"It's the only way, the only way to save her."

"No! Why do we both have to be monsters!?" I was sick with the thought. I knew he had his reasons for leaving, but not like this, I couldn't do it.  
We ran after the others, but met up with them on their way back; they had lost her. She was sneaky and quick. She acted like she was going to come back to the house and danced all over the trees, swinging from them like a monkey. She had everyone running in circles and then after Emmett had managed to get a hold of her and threw her against a tree she took off and was lost in the forest.

We made it back to the house after a quick run that was made in silence. All of us were standing in the living room, disheveled and upset, and that's when Edward told them of his plan. Everyone disagreed, everyone with the exception of Rosalie, but she never voiced her agreement either.  
I refused, I screamed at the top of my lungs, and when Jasper tried to calm me I pushed him away. Edward said my refusal was me signing her death sentence and if I could live with that then so be it.

It was difficult to think of it that way, but I was not conceding so easily.

We went outside and laid in the grass away from everyone. We discussed the possibilities and I tried to see as much as I could, but it wasn't much. I could see some immediate events, but too many people and decisions made it impossible to see very far into the future.

Some decisions brought horrific consequences and I knew that it wasn't a guarantee, but I wouldn't have chanced it either and still we couldn't find a better solution.

It was an exhausting night of Edward making decisions and me trying to see the outcome. We did this until dawn. Occasionally, Carlisle came out to review our progress and tried to offer new ideas without any success. Even Jasper came out and tried to encourage us. When I looked towards the house I could see Emmett and Esme looking out the window from time to time with a pained expression on their faces. By the look in Esme's eye's I could see that her motherly heart was breaking into a million pieces and although Emmett had a tough exterior he was really a giant teddy bear and a devout big brother to myself and to Bella also. The only one I never saw was Rose. I'm sure she was all too happy about this new turn of events.

Edward had known from the time he pulled Victoria away from nearly getting into Bella's house that the only chance she had at being safe was if he left. That the only chance she had at having a life, a real life, was if he wasn't a part of it.

The guilt consumed him so much that Jasper no longer came out because he couldn't stand to be near him. Edward was convinced that if he never gave in to his selfishness for her company, for her love, that she wouldn't be facing these dangers. First with James, then the mishap with Jasper, and now Victoria. He knew if he loved her he had to leave her.

I disagreed.

I tried to convince him with all my strength that if it weren't for him she'd be dead now, having been crushed by Tyler's van. Edward was too stubborn to be swayed by any of it. He had made his decision and I was shaking because I knew what it entailed.

"Please Edward, I can't do this." I begged.

"It's better this way -"

"What for you!?" I shrieked at him. "If you want to leave her then you do it!"

"It's not that Alice." He said quietly despite my screaming.

"I would do anything to save her and if I thought me telling her would be best I would let myself die inside so she could live, I know I will die inside anyway, but this way will be better for her. If she thinks I'm dead she'll move on, she won't have false hope or come looking for me."

"She'll blame herself."

"Make sure she doesn't." He said flatly like it could really be that easy. "The mortals they deal with death everyday. They know it's coming and they expect it. It'll make it easier for her to accept and move on with her life as if I were never a part of it, the way it should've been."

Things should not change this is the way it should be. The whole family could easily see they were soul mates. We all had our other half and Edward deserved his. Even Rosalie wouldn't begrudge him that if only he would change her and -. My thoughts were interrupted.

"NO! It will be as if I had died in 1918 and never cursed Bella Swan with my love. That's the way it should be!"

There wasn't much I could say to that and in fact not much was said after that.

The next day I waited outside her house. She would be walking into the forest any minute now.

"I don't know if I can do this." I said in a voice so weak no human would have ever been able to detect it.

"Well, you look as if you just left a funeral." Edward said without emotion.

"It matches my mood since I'm losing my best friend today." I was more focused on the anger I had towards Edward than my sadness for the upcoming events. It was easier that way. I knew what Edward was losing was far more than a best friend, his soul mate, and I knew I could never give Jasper up like that. Making him either incredibly selfless or incredibly stupid, I'm not sure which.

"Are you sure about this, Edward? You know there's no going back after this." I wanted so badly for him to change his mind though I knew him and the future well enough to know that wasn't happening.

"I won't let her die because of me." He stated simply in a voice that sounded as empty as his eyes looked as he saw her, for the last time, as she disappeared into the forest.

After a few minutes I reluctantly followed after her. It was killing me inside to know what I was about to do to her. I had no recollection of my actual death. I only heard stories from the other vampires that I've encountered in this life. All of them tell a horrendous story of a seemingly never ending hell of being burned alive from the inside out. I don't have an experience like that to speak of instead I now have this.

I was walking impossibly slow. Repeating in my mind that what I was doing was the best, that it was saving her life. I tried to repeat Edward's reasoning in my mind, but it didn't feel right. Lying to her and watching her die inside like I knew she would just didn't seem like the right way. Despite my better judgment, I went along with Edward's reasoning that leaving her was the lesser of two evils, the greater being the horrible death that Victoria had planned for her.

Whatever piece of humanity that I still bore inside died at the very moment I spoke that lie. The guilt and the hatred I had for myself was immeasurable and I raced out of the forest as soon as I could.

I made it back to the car, barely having concern for my speed, and I collapsed in the backseat. The images were raw in my mind and I could hear Edward's painful moans, but just barely over Bella's heartbreaking sobs that were echoing in my mind, both intertwined and became a unison of misery.

After a moment Edward calmed enough to speak his barely audible question. "Did you tell her everything?"

_'Yes'_ I answered in my mind because I didn't feel that I had the energy to speak. He began to go down his checklist of things that I was supposed to say asking me if I had told her not to blame herself, to be careful, and to lead a normal, teenage life. I was nodding my head until the last one. Hold the phone one cotton picking minute.

"Edward, you cannot erase yourself from someone's life and still expect to run it." I said with the energy that my easily found anger towards Edward brought. His only response was to growl at me, a low guttural growl, that only succeeded at fueling my anger. "If what I said or didn't say doesn't meet your approval then by all means" I gestured towards the forest and raised my voice. "GO TELL HER YOURSELF!"

His gaze followed my hand and he remained staring at the path that led into the forest. His brow furrowed and he did not acknowledge my statement. "She still has not emerged." He said quietly, but with great concern. "Does Chief Swan know where she was going?"

"No, I don't believe she had a chance to tell him."

"Alice, I'm going to run in and leave him a note just in case."

I didn't give him much of a response because apparently Edward was going to do whatever in the hell Edward wanted to do anyway. I couldn't really see Charlie coming home anytime soon or when Bella would return, but I don't think I was in the right frame of mind to see anything.

It didn't seem like Edward was gone very long; I barely noticed his absence. I hadn't moved at all, not even to look at him, but I soon felt the car speed away.

Everything from the house was already packed and everyone was probably almost to Alaska since they had left this morning.

I could hear Edward's sobs, but they weren't what any human would consider a sob as it sounded unearthly and painful. Once we crossed the border into Canada the sounds didn't relent and I finally turned around to check on him because I wasn't even sure how well he was doing with driving and that's when I saw it, the blue shirt clutched in his hand. Periodically he would bring it up to his nose to smell and this would calm his sobs for a fraction of a second, but then they would resume with a vengeance.

I have known no worse day than that one, but I know it was a horrible day indeed for Edward the day that shirt lost its smell not that it made him want it any less.

**_Present Day…_**

I was brought back to the present by Edward's voice cursing my cell phone since after three tries he was still getting a busy signal from Bella's house.

I barely looked at him, but he reassured me that if she had answered he would've handed me the phone. I shrugged because I already knew this.

"So, nothing new."

It wasn't a question since he saw everything I had, but I could tell he wasn't happy about seeing what I remembered, but quite frankly neither was I.

"I'm not able to see anything new right now." I said sorrowfully.

I closed my eyes again and after awhile in deep concentration and about two dozen more telephone calls made by Edward I let out a deep sigh that he echoed.

"Oh, thank the Lord we have until the morning!" I said to really no one since it was just Edward and I in the car and then I noticed that this news only made him drive faster and then I saw why.

"Edward, NO!"

"Yes Alice, I've made up my mind and I'm not changing it." He said sternly.

"Well, I am so glad that you can just do whatever the hell you feel like, Edward."

"Alice, I'm sorry, but I've realized what a mistake I've made. Almost losing her forever, failing in what I was doing this for anyway, made me realize I cannot stay away from her anymore."

This wasn't news to me. I knew it was a bad idea the whole damn time, it was Edward and his excessive need to control everything that had made this mess.

I could hear a low whimpering coming from Edward, but I was done feeling sorry for his pain because he was the creator of it and I didn't care what he could hear from me. I didn't need Jasper here to know that he felt tremendous pain and guilt, but it was his to own and well deserved.  
We sat there in the deafening silence for awhile until Edward's weak voice asked me a question that I knew I wouldn't be able to answer.

"Will she forgive me?"

"I don't know. I can't see it, I can't see much actually." I assumed it was because there was so much that was supposed to happen that it made it impossible to see such outcomes. If she was dead, there would be no forgiveness, for anyone.

A rumbling filled the enclosed space of the car and I ignored Edward's angered growl because it was the truth. I wouldn't forgive me, so in life or death, I wasn't expecting it. This did nothing for Edward's temper, but he wouldn't say anything to me and I knew it.

In the latest vision she was going to leave tonight, but she decided against it and went to sleep, choosing instead to leave in the morning, but with the road conditions being the same, nothing will change. The crash, the water, the drowning, none of it changes.

I held out my hand for my phone so I could call the family. I had seen Bella's phone fall from her hand and land on the floor in my vision and knew that it was useless to try to call her again.

Jasper had already filled them in on some, but the new development was important; we were going home. Unlike myself who was pissed about how cavalier Edward was about messing with people's lives, the rest of the family was sympathetic to Edward's grief. They saw him come to life when Bella became a part of it and they saw him die when she no longer was. They didn't address the fact that it was Edward's choice and that he pushed her out of his life. His demise was at his own hand; he committed suicide and for that I had no pity.

Perhaps I was just bitter. No, I was absolutely bitter because it wasn't a suicide, it was more of a murder/suicide. His decision killed Bella just as much as it killed himself and I was made an accomplice in all of it and an eyewitness too. I didn't take notice of his pain because I had seen firsthand Bella's pain. She was my best friend and like a sister and I had a hand in all of this. I knew Edward's intentions were good and I only agreed because I wanted to help save her life, but when I saw her grief-stricken face, I knew I had failed. I could see that she was full of pain and guilt and it would've hurt her no less if I had punched through her chest, ripped out her heart, and stomped on it because in essence that's precisely what I had done. I had watched her die inside and for what? Absolutely nothing.

I was brought out of my thoughts when Carlisle answered the phone. I had called him first knowing that the chance that we would need a doctor would be high. He assured me that he and Esme were leaving immediately. Emmett was ecstatic to go back to the old house. He was ever the optimist and he had no doubt that we would be victorious in our attempt to save Bella, but Edward and I had been so deeply affected by her absence that our fear wouldn't let us hope for the best, instead we were preparing for the worst. I didn't speak to Rosalie, but I did hear an unceremonious groan from her in the background. I knew she was happy to have everyone back together again because that's how she thought the family should be, but this did not include Bella. Jasper had decided to wait a few days before he joined us in case Bella's injuries were extensive and she would be recuperating at the house. After the incident at her birthday party he wasn't willing to take a chance.

After several hours of silence we finally arrived in Forks and parked down the street from Bella's house in almost the exact spot we had parked that day. The irony was not lost on me. I closed my eyes and didn't move from my seat because I knew arguing with him about what would happen next would do no good.

"If you really think you can deal with her reaction I'll wait here."

He nodded in response and dropped the shirt onto the car seat before he bolted up to her window. He was almost in the window before the tattered garment, that no longer even resembled a shirt, landed.

I sat and tried to concentrate, but everything kept getting harder to see. The images became blurry and fuzzy and only grew worse.

**EPOV**

I never thought this day would come, that I would see my beloved again. I crept into her room and the smell encompassed every part of me, but I felt no urge to harm her. It was the total opposite. I felt completely at peace, I was content after about six months of the most tortuous hell I could have ever imagined. I stood at the foot of her bed for awhile just staring at my salvation. If I had no soul it was no longer a matter of concern because I knew heaven and it lay right before me and I had already faced my hell - being without her.

I forced myself to move closer and knelt directly in front of her face. If I could have cried the sight of her would have brought tears to my eyes. She was so beautiful and angelic and I then imagined what seeing me and hearing my words would do to that face. I didn't know if I could do that to her, I had already done so much and that's when I realized that Alice was right.

I rose to leave, but I hesitated and my hand betrayed me and shot out to stroke her cheek. Just then her mouth opened and I jumped thinking I had awaken her, but I hadn't.

"Don't go!" She pleaded and I smiled. I wouldn't go, not again my sweet angel.

My fingertips were nearly touching her skin, but I drew back and instead whispered in her ear. "Love, I'm so sorry for everything I've done. I just want you to be happy."

I was close to losing my battle with whether or not I should stroke her hair or bury my nose in the sweet scent when she spoke again.

"I love you, Jacob. Don't go!" The smile that had began to spread across my face was soon extinguished and the truth came back in one brief moment - there was no heaven for me. I wasn't meant to have it and I wasn't worthy of it.

It felt as if a knife had been plunged deep into my chest and I turned away from her quickly and all of a sudden it was as if that knife was being twisted again and again. Her desk was full of pictures of her and Jacob and other people whom I didn't even know and on the shelves were mementos that he had obviously given her.

I darted from the room to go back to the car to tell Alice she was right and that she could have her well deserved absolution. I wasn't sure where I was going, but I knew I would leave at once. Nothing had changed at all I still lost Bella forever.

I was almost to the car when a gust of wind brought the most God awful stench to my nose and before I had a chance to react Jacob Black grabbed me by my jacket and pulled me off my feet. His face was full of fury and I knew why. He was protecting Bella and would do so at any cost. He was deeply in love with her and although his rage made his thoughts broken and hard to read I could still tell that he regarded her as some sort of mate and the whole thought was rather barbaric, but what would one expect from an animal? Of course nothing could be worse than knowing that she returned those feelings.

"I knew it was too good to be true!" He growled at me. "But, that's ok since she already believes you're dead it won't matter if I kill you, leech." He smiled sinisterly and at that moment I didn't care if he did just that. He would be doing me a favor. He would be putting me out of my misery and also saving me an arduous and inevitable trip to Italy.

He paused after seeing the defeat on my face. He was deep in thought while studying my expression when I heard the other wolf coming, but I didn't care. It was Sam Uley who was fast approaching from the forest and once he was back in human form he pummeled Jake causing all of us to fall to the ground, but I was on my feet before they could even notice.

Jacob growled and was shaking. His thoughts were even more broken now and the trembling was growing worse. Sam placed both hands on his shoulders.

"This is not the time or place; we are not jeopardizing the treaty." Sam said in a calm yet demanding voice. He then nodded at me and then both of them darted off into the forest.

I just stood there for a moment while the first rays of daylight started to light the sky behind the heavy clouds. The day was as dismal as my reality. My angel, my life, my Bella was in love with someone else and not just anyone else, but a stinking dog. Perfect.

I was snapped out of my self-pity by Alice's screams. I was in the car in a flash and sped off without giving it a second thought and this is when I saw what Alice had seen.

During the scuffle Bella had awaken and left oblivious to what was occurring.

"Did you know what was going to happen?" I asked Alice in a tone that was really too brusque.

"No, apparently I cannot see werewolves." She confessed and it would be something I would have to ponder at a later time because at the moment my only concern was Bella.

I accelerated trying desperately to catch up with ancient truck that was just ahead of us. Just then we approached the bridge and in a split second her truck lost control, broke through the weak guard rail and splashed into the icy water. The whole time I could hear Bella's screams and my only thought was to save her. It was a thought I have had numerous times before.

Alice took the wheel as I leapt out of the car and straight into the ocean. I plunged deep into the dark water, tunneling down as fast as I could towards the sound of her voice and rapid heart beat, but all too quickly her voice was extinguished by the water and her heartbeat slowed enough to drive me to an even further panic. I tore the door off and pulled her unconscious body out of the truck and swam quickly to the surface. I held her head above the water as I swam to the edge where Alice was waiting.

She quickly wrapped Bella in blanket as I performed CPR. She expelled all of the salt water, but never opened her eyes. Her breathing and heartbeat were shallow, but they were there and we wasted no time in getting back to the car.

I reluctantly handed her over to Alice in the back seat because I knew that it wasn't the best circumstances for her to see me if she awoke.  
Alice was cradling her and stroking her hair lovingly. "Why didn't you warn her?" She asked, genuinely confused. It was the whole purpose of our trip after all.

"I was going to, but then I realized you were right and I couldn't bear to cause her any more pain. When I was leaving I turned to look at her one last time and before I could do anything she spoke." I swallowed back the pain in reliving what had just happened moments ago. I didn't know if I could quite deal with it yet and at the moment I was really only concerned about Bella's well being. "She said 'Don't go'." I choked out and Alice's face lit up and I could tell she was getting hopeful.

I shook my head. "She spoke again, she said 'I love you…Jacob." I didn't want to think about what that meant right now.

"Oh no! Edward, I'm so sorry!" Alice exclaimed and I knew she meant it. She harbored a lot of ill will and blame towards me for what had happened, and it was without a doubt well deserved, but still she wouldn't have wanted things to turn out this way.

"It gets worse." I said in a lifeless tone. "You know the wolf who grabbed me?" She nodded. "That's Jacob." She gasped in horror.

_It's so much worse than we could've imagined._

I tensed at her thoughts and then I heard another small gasp.

_What in the hell is she wearing?!_

"Seriously, Alice? She could die at any moment and you're complaining about her outfit!" I didn't like admitting that the worst was possible, but it was and I didn't like yelling at my sister, not after everything I put her through, but I was at the end of my rope.

"No, Edward. Did you see what she was wearing?"

"Well, no, Alice. I was a little preoccupied with pulling her from the clutches of death."

She shook her head knowing that she wasn't getting through to me.

"Edward, there's only one group of people that wear this."

"So, you're saying that Bella is in a gang?" I asked in a cynical tone.

"Yeah, Edward." She challenged my sarcasm with her own. "They call themselves the Spartan cheerleaders."

I wouldn't have thought it possible given the circumstances, but I was laughing my head off.

_I'm being serious!_

"I think it's more probable that Bella robbed a cheerleader and left her naked in the street." I scoffed.

We pulled up to the house and I moved as fast as I could, grabbing Bella, and racing into the house. I could hear Carlisle upstairs and I ran into the spare bedroom without pause. I heard Alice behind me saying that she had sent Emmett and Rose to retrieve the truck.

I only left the room once, when Alice was changing Bella's clothes. She came out after she had dressed her warmly and tucked her safely in the bed. We stood in the hallway for a moment together as Carlisle gave Bella an IV. When I looked down I saw the blue and gold track suit in Alice's hands and I gasped in shock.

"Oh my God, Alice. You were right."

"Well, I usually am." She said with a smirk.

She walked away to go find Esme to make sure we had food and any other provisions that Bella may need. I listened to her talk to Esme for a brief moment until I heard that Carlisle was finished and I quickly returned to the room.

Bella was lying in the large bed and it looked as if her small body could get lost in all of the blankets. She looked peaceful, like she was just sleeping, but she had various monitor cords and tubes coming off of her making her look similar to how she had looked at the hospital in Phoenix, except that time was entirely my fault and this time…well, perhaps I could be the hero. But, then I remembered all that I had done and knew without a doubt that I would always be the bad guy.

_She's doing well, but I gave her some pain medication for the mild injuries that she sustained in the crash. It'll make her sleepy, so I don't expect her to wake for a little while and when she does she will probably be quite sore._

I nodded in response to Carlisle's thoughts as we both didn't want to disturb her.

I stared at her as her head rested gently on the large, white pillows and the overstuffed, white comforter covered her. She looked like an angel on a cloud. I would have to leave soon and the very idea made my chest ache with unbearable pain. I couldn't bring myself to leave just yet, so I laid next to her and just stared at her. There was no use trying to stop myself and I lifted my hand to touch her hair. I gasped when I held the paltry tresses in my hand. I hadn't even noticed that most of her hair was gone. Before I was too concerned with her breath, heartbeat, and peaceful face to notice how much she had changed while I was gone.

"What happened to you?" I whispered .

_I hate to even think about it._

Alice answered from the door and entered, giving Bella a quick kiss on the cheek before leaving to check with Rose about the progress on the truck. I thought the stupid thing should just remain at the bottom of the ocean, but I knew when my opinion wasn't wanted and it was definitely not wanted, so I kept my mouth closed.

Once Alice was gone I returned all of my attention back to Bella. I didn't care about her hair she was still Bella, my Bella. She would always be _my_ Bella.

I relaxed again and just enjoyed being next to her. My hand was still in her hair and I let my fingers twirl in it. If I wasn't mistaken, and I knew I wasn't, a brief smile came and left Bella's face. I closed my eyes and tried to prolong each fleeting second I had with her. Every breath I took I could smell her beautiful scent and I wanted to remember it just like this. My fingers were still in her hair and I noticed that she started to stir and then she took in a deep breath and I froze. I knew I should run, but I couldn't. It felt like I had been next to her for mere minutes when in fact I had been there for hours.

My eyes shot to hers and I watched her groggy eyes as she looked around puzzled. All of a sudden our eyes met and all of her confusion disappeared and she smiled at me. It was the most beautiful sight I had ever seen. It was surreal and I could only stare and smile back and then her mouth opened and I heard her sweet voice.

"And in death they were not parted."

Oh no! Well, of course she thought she was dead and probably in hell if I was there.

"Love, you're not dead. I'm not dead. We're both alive."

As soon as I spoke the words she fainted and that's when I finally regained my sense and ran to get Carlisle. He rushed back to the room with Alice at his side and I complied with her request, actually her shove, and waited directly outside the door. I watched Alice as she sat in the space that I had occupied just moments ago and she began to stroke Bella's hair again. Carlisle was checking her vitals and the monitors when she opened her eyes again.

"Alice!"

"Oh, Bella, you're ok! We were so worried." She looked at Alice confused. Bella just kept staring at her and blinked a few times, but didn't say a word. If I were to guess I would say that she was speechless.

"We saw your accident last night and we rushed here to save you. If you hadn't changed your mind to go this morning…" She trailed off and just shook her head.

"We? Is everyone here?" Her voice was weak and gravely, but still beautiful.

"Yes, everyone but Jasper, but he's on his way and should be here soon. Even Rose and Emmett are here and they're trying to fix your truck right now." Alice was smiling at her and trying to sound soothing.

Bella's expression had brightened for a short moment and then her face fell and her head hung low and I didn't have to be a mind reader to know why. Alice said that everyone, but Jasper was here and Bella added someone else to that list not knowing that I was right here. How could I have done this to her? I was busy chastising myself when her head shot up and she looked at Carlisle who was standing next to her bed.

"Did I die?"

"What?" Carlisle asked because he was shocked by her question, but I wasn't.

"Did I die? Did you have to revive me? Did my heart stop beating?" She asked in an annoyed tone.

"No, why do you ask?" Carlisle was still confused by the situation.

"Because I saw him. He was real and he was here and I know he was!" She yelled vehemently. "I'm not crazy." She mumbled with tears streaming down her face and the way she sounded was so upset and yet convinced and it made me wish I could cry too, actually it made me wish that I actually were dead. She let her head fall on the pillow and I could tell she felt the same, although I couldn't understand why. She was sobbing so hard now that Alice could no longer bear it.

"I can't do this anymore. I wish I never agreed to it, but I thought I was doing what was best for you. I'm so sorry I lied!" Alice sobbed as she ran out of the room.

Bella just sat there stunned with her mouth a bit agape. She blinked a few times, I'm sure because she wasn't able to see most of Alice's departure since she had left so fast. I slowly emerged from where I stood, becoming a little more visible with each second as I leaned past the doorframe.

Carlisle gave Bella's arm a reassuring pat before he left the room, but she never acknowledged him or his touch. She just stared straight ahead, straight at me. Her tears came down faster until they stopped all together and slowly her broken, defeated expression changed to a furrowed brow and pursed lips. Her eyes narrowed in on me and I barely recognized her.

I stood at the foot of the bed much like I had done this morning in her room. This morning before I knew she loved someone else, before the wolf encounter, before her near death accident, before she knew what a horrible lie I had told her. This morning when I saw her as my heaven, which I still did, but I no longer had hope that she could forgive me, but I already knew that I didn't deserve her forgiveness or her love. I had always known that and this is where it has lead me.

It was hard to look at her angry expression, but I still had the image of her face when she awoke and saw me for the first time burned into my memory like a photograph.

"I can't even look at you! You make me want to vomit! You make me so sick!" She was screaming and she sat up even though I knew it must be uncomfortable for her, but her anger was unwavering.

She was giving me the most evil glare that I had ever seen and that's saying something. I just stood there because what could I say when I knew I deserved much worse.

"You are a sick fuck, Edward Cullen and I want you out of my sight!"

I didn't move. I couldn't. it was like all the pain that I had felt in every second of my absence from her was now being thrown at me all at once and I was drowning in the sorrow.

"Get out of here! I hate you and I want you to leave!" She was screaming at the top of her lungs until she grew hoarse, but none of us had any problem hearing her still. "I hate you" was the last thing that left her lips before she collapsed from fatigue.

Alice rushed in and diverted my attention for a split second and that's when I saw a pill bottle whizzing past my face and then all of a sudden one of Esme's clocks shattered against my chest. Alice was pushing me hard and I finally surrendered and allowed her to shove me out of the room.

_Stay!_

She commanded me with a pointed finger before she rushed back in to Bella. I could see that Bella was crying heavily again, but they were not tears of sadness.

"Oh, Alice! I really don't understand any of this." She sobbed against Alice's shoulder.

"I don't either. I really never did."

"Alice, we'll talk about it later. I can't help, but to be happy to see you again. You were my best friend and I know you're not a monster." She whispered the last part in Alice's ear as she tried to choke back her tears.

I could see that Alice was taken aback by Bella's words, but more so moved by what she said and she continued to hold and comfort her.  
After a long while she finally calmed down and whispered to her that she wanted Carlisle to come back and I was immediately panicked that she was in pain.

Alice wasted no time in getting Carlisle and he came back in asking how she was feeling and asking her to rate her pain. I saw him checking the monitors again, but I wasn't paying much attention to him. My concentration was with Bella who was sitting perfectly calm with her hands folded on her lap.

"I would like to go now, Dr. Cullen. Thank you." She said with her still hoarse voice, but remained completely composed. He started shaking his head and I could see that she was having none of that. "I cannot stay here a second longer. Please, remove this IV." Even I could tell that she wasn't really asking and at that moment I was fearing for her sanity.

"She's gone completely mad, Alice." I exclaimed to her as we stood in the hallway together. I knew my tone was too low for Bella to hear and I threw my hands up in an exasperated manner.

"Honestly, Carlisle should give her a tranquilizer of some sort." I added, but saw a subtle shake of Carlisle's head indicating that he wasn't in agreement with my opinion.

"Well, of course she's gone mad, but I highly doubt that it just happened right at this moment. Congratulations, Edward." She said smugly and I ignored her.

"I still believe that a tranquilizer would benefit her." I said to really no one because no one was listening to me.

"Really, Edward. You cannot deceive someone into believing that you're dead and then declare them insane when they don't thank you for it! You know, you can't just drug everyone who doesn't agree with you!"

"I didn't expect her to agree with me." I grumbled, but the truth was I didn't know what I expected. I know I didn't expect this. Well, I actually never expected to see her again.

Carlisle was glad that Alice and I had concluded our disagreement because even though Bella couldn't hear it, he had heard every word.

"Bella, you really need to stay for awhile. With the amount of time you were unconscious it's in your best interest to be under medical care. Of course, I could take you to the hospital, but…" He trailed off knowing it wouldn't be something she would want to do and she shook her head in response. "I can send him away, Bella." He said seriously and if I didn't think it would be beneficial for her I would have been sorely irritated.

"No, really that isn't necessary. I just need to go home." Her composure faltered only slightly with the hint of desperation over how badly that she wanted to leave this place, how badly she wanted to leave me.

"The IV has to stay in for at least another hour. I'll be back then to check on it." He said with authority as he stepped over the broken clock, but never actually acknowledged the mess.

"Dr, Cullen, if you do not, _please,_ remove this needle from my arm right now, I will rip it out myself." She was being completely serious as she held her arm out towards Carlisle. He reluctantly removed the IV and I tried to ignore his thoughts as he did so. He was thinking about how awful Bella looked and the cold, empty look in her eyes and mostly he was hurt by the way she addressed him. He had never meant to hurt her and in reality he hadn't; I had.

After just a minute the IV was completely out and her arm was bandaged. I was still of the opinion that it should've remained and had tranquilizers put in it, but I wasn't the doctor.

Alice went in after Carlisle left so that she could give Bella her clothes that were laundered when she was sleeping. She gave Bella a quizzical look as she laid the outfit on the bed and Bella just gave a casual shrug in response.

"I guess I took your note way too seriously." She said in an indifferent tone and Alice just stared back at her with a confused look on her face.  
"You know the note you left me, in my room, on _that_ day."

"Oh yes, the _note_." She said in a menacing tone and shot me an accusatory glance that Bella didn't miss.

She gasped in horror and pointed at me. _"You"_ She said with a hiss. "You had the audacity to go into my room, into my undergarment drawer no less, and leave me a note telling me what to do after you faked your own death!? You are unbelievable, Edward Cullen!" My name rolled off her tongue in a harsh manner, as if it were a profanity. Her and Alice both were staring at me in disbelief and disgust.

She gave me dismissive wave of her hand and then turned her attention back to Alice. "I need to get dressed so I can leave."

Alice just nodded in response because she knew arguing would neither be appropriate or beneficial.

Bella tried to rise from the bed, but she winced in pain and wrapped her arm around her middle as she let out a quiet groan. I couldn't resist and I was at her side in an instance.

"I'll carry you, please don't hurt yourself." I desperately pleaded.

She gave a hysterical laugh and looked at me in a way that chilled my already icy heart. Alice quickly shoved me out of the way and held out her arms to offer her help, but much to Alice's dismay she was also turned down and for that I felt the worst.

Bella got out of the bed on her own, surprisingly, and shuffled to the adjoining restroom which seemed so much further than it actually was as I watched Bella struggle to walk the short distance. We waited in the bedroom for her and when she emerged she told Alice that she would return her clothes at a later time, she was in too much pain to change, but she did manage to freshen up.

"Don't worry about it." Alice said trying to sound nonchalant.

"Could you please get Carlisle? I think I need some pain medication."

That was all she had to say for Alice to rush out of there as we both knew that it had to be bad for Bella to bring it to someone's attention. We knew it was in Bella's nature to suffer rather than saying anything.

"Alice, wait!" She called out and Alice was back in a split second.

"Yes?"

"Can I please use your phone?"

"Sure" Alice said nicely as she handed over her cell phone from her pocket and then took off to find Carlisle.

She walked past me where I stood in the hallway, but didn't look at me and shut the door behind her. It didn't do much to prevent me from hearing Bella, but, to my greater disappointment, it did prevent me from seeing her.

I listened intently as she dialed the numbers and I knew as I heard the tones that she wasn't calling her house, perhaps the police station. She began speaking with someone and I struggled to hear what she was saying so much that I was nearly pressing my ear against the door when I realized that it wasn't my hearing that was the problem. I just couldn't understand what she was saying; she wasn't speaking English. I quickly scanned through all of the languages that I did know and of all of them she had to be speaking one of the few that I didn't know. I was beyond frustrated.

Alice and Carlisle glided past me, as I was now standing upright, making it appear as though I wasn't eavesdropping. I was stunned. I didn't know that she could speak any other language, and on the matter of language, I had never heard such inappropriate words come out of Bella's mouth before either and I didn't know what to make of it. Her anger was unprecedented also. I felt like there was a stranger in that room, that I didn't even know Bella Swan anymore. But, what had I expected? People change. We do not.

I peered into the room to look at her again and I wasn't looking at a stranger. I was looking at my soul mate. I had tried in vain to fight against it, but it was a feeble attempt to defy nature and a feeble attempt to keep a danger magnet safe. The only thing I had succeeded at was making her hate me. I hadn't saved her at all. I had condemned us both.

I watched as Carlisle picked up the pill bottle from the floor and handed her two pills with a glass of water. He gave her instructions on how and when to take them and then handed the bottle over to her.

I saw her relax a little after she took the pills and she reached out touching Carlisle's arm gently. "Carlisle?" she asked and he smiled back at her.

"Yes"

"My friend is coming to pick me up. He was the only one I could call, obviously I couldn't call Charlie." She said trying to make it clear that she didn't want a ride from any of us. "My friend, from La Push, should be here soon, but he has no quarrel, he merely wants to pick me up. I hope this won't be a problem."

She didn't know that we already knew what Jacob was, so she tried to tell us in not so many words. Carlisle nodded his head in understanding.

"No, Bella it will be fine."

It most certainly was not fine. I didn't care how much she hated me. I didn't just pull her out of the ocean to have her mauled by some mutt. I didn't even hesitate before I entered the room, although I probably should have.

"Bella, I understand you hate me." I said it in the most soothing voice I could muster, but it greatly pained me inside to say those words out loud. "I don't think you understand the danger this puts you in."

Her eyes narrowed in on me and her jaw set in determination. Carlisle took his leave and gave me a good luck pat on the arm as he excited the room.

"Oh, you mean from being in a house full of vampires, one to which my blood calls out to?" She gave me a wide eyed look feigning seriousness and innocence.

Oh, she was good, but not getting away so easily.

"Bella, we are in complete control. You are in no danger here."

"Right. That's why Jasper tried to eat me and you tried to convince me for months you weren't a good friend for me."

"It's not the same."

"No, Edward. It's not the same at all. Vampires crave human blood and the wolves protect us from it. And for the record I'm not afraid to be here and you should know that I've never feared any of you. Nor do I fear any of the pack. I just don't appreciate your hypocrisy." She said smugly.  
Pack? How lovely, not only was she dating a wolf, but she hung out with the whole lot of them. Perfect.

"Well Mr. Pot, if you're quite finished with insulting the kettle, I would like to rest."

"Actually-" I began, but then was cut off.

"No, I wasn't really asking. I've had enough of your hypocrisy almost as much as I've had enough of your lying and telling me to do 'normal' teenage things." She used air quotes for normal and I nearly laughed, but didn't for fear that she would break more of Esme's things.

"Well, it looks like you were quite successful." I said while letting my harsh tone come through. I motioned towards her hair and her cheerleading outfit and I could see the anger boiling in her eyes.

"Oh, yes, Edward." She started with a vengeance. "I did all the 'normal' teenage things that the vast majority of teens do. I got a tattoo in an unmentionable place, experimented with drugs, had unprotected sex which required a hasty abortion…"

**BPOV**

He winced at my words, but I don't know if he actually believed any of it. I only barely regretted what I said. I wasn't trying to be cruel, I was just so tired of trying to be made into something that I wasn't. I didn't think there was anything wrong with the way I was, but apparently Edward did since he was always trying to make me something else…something better. Just then we both heard chuckling from behind the door right before it swung open and we both looked up with shock.

"Hey, the elfy suck head let me in." He said defensively as we both stared at him incredulously. It was Jacob. My prince coming to rescue me from this hell that I woke up in.

"Bella, haven't I told you a million times not to tease the vampires." He mock scolded me. I just smiled at him because I knew I didn't have to say anything. He scooped me up in the blanket that I was wrapped in, but before I knew it Edward was in Jake's face growling in a way that caught me off guard.

"She doesn't want to be picked up!" He demanded, but that wasn't true I just didn't want be carried around by him or Alice.

Edward didn't let go or stop his primal growling, but Jacob never flinched. I hated the sound because it reminded me of my nightmares and I buried my face in Jake's shirt that I was clutching with both of my fists even though they ached from trying to escape the truck I still held on to him as tightly as I could. After a few seconds the growling stopped and I looked up to see Edward's hands shoot up to his ears so fast that all I could see was a blur of movement and then he fell to his knees seemingly in pain. I looked at Jake disbelievingly, but he just gave me the look that I knew meant that we would talk about it later.

Jacob carried me out of the room and down the stairs very carefully, taking each step with care. We were almost to the front door when he paused in the living room, directly in front of the TV that had been left on. There were cartoons on and we watched as Rocky and Bullwinkle did something amusing and then Rocky crash landed right out of a tree. We both erupted into laughter which hurt my whole body, especially my aching ribs, but at the same time it felt good.

I had been so tense and confused since I woke up that I didn't know what to think or feel at any given moment because so many thoughts and feelings were running through me, but here with Jake I could just be myself. He never wanted me to be something different, only happy. I laid my head on Jake's chest and closed my eyes as we left.

I felt the first step that Jacob took out of the house and heard the thump of his foot as it landed on the wooden porch. The feeling seemed to vibrate through me. The cold air hit my face and as it did so did the full realization of everything that came to light today - Edward Cullen was not dead.

**  
A/N - **

**  
Whoa! So, there you have it. I enjoyed writing in that epov far too much.**

**  
Unrealistic Alert - Yes, I know that it would probably be a lot quicker to fly to Washington than to drive all the way there (if they could've even gotten a flight), but Edward does drive fast and it is a fast car. Besides that, I wanted them to be able to speak freely and have their conversation.**

**  
Also, I haven't the faintest on what to do when someone falls into icy water and google was of no help. I tried to be realistic, but it may not be totally accurate because I'm not a doctor.**

**  
Rocky & Bullwinkle = Rocky is a squirrel and it was just a reference to what they joked about in chapter 10.**

**  
This is by far my favorite chapter and although it has taken me an obscene amount of time to finish it, I have had the rough draft written for about 6 months. I'd love to hear what you think about it.**

**  
Next chapter will be in epov.**

**  
Reviews are better than finally knowing what in the H Edward has been up to…maybe.**


	23. Chapter 23 You Left Me Far Behind

Disclaimer - I do not own twilight.

A/N -

This chapter has had 4 different names, 3 of which were inspired by songs, but I decided to go with this one.

Thanks to the readers, I love your guys' reviews, and thanks to Lulu who did not beta this chapter, because she was at that place she calls work all day today, but I still love her anyway.

Lots of musical inspiration for this chapter:

Far Behind, Candlebox

Corduroy, Pearl Jam

You Found Me, The Fray

Her Diamonds, Rob Thomas

Ok, he's back so let's deal with this Badward.

Chapter 23

You Left Me Far Behind

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_**BPOV**_

_**I felt the first step that Jacob took out of the house and heard the thump of his foot as it landed on the wooden porch. The feeling seemed to vibrate through me. The cold air hit my face and as it did so did the full realization of everything that came to light today - Edward Cullen was not dead.**_

_

* * *

_

**EPOV**

I stayed on the floor until they were out of the room and down the stairs. The screams were still ringing in my ears and it made the piercing feeling in my chest return. I held my eyes closed tightly as if that would make the sight go away, as if that would make all of this go away. I knew I couldn't be mad at Bella for hating me because I deserved it and if I were being honest, I hated me too.

I saw what Jacob had seen. I heard the screams and saw the way her face looked and the image kept replaying in my head. Her expression was full of horror and her eyes were sunken in with dark circles underneath. She looked sleep deprived and starving and I kept asking myself _How could I do this to her_?

I had watched her be carried away by the person she now loved and I wondered if fate was as cruel as life to give two people different soul mates because I knew she was mine, but seeing the way Bella was with Jacob forced me to admit my failure. I had tried to save Bella and ended up hurting us both, but if one of us could go on and be happy I would want it to be her; it should only be her.

I had gotten up and quietly stood at the top of the stairs looking down at them. I watched them as they laughed at something, but I didn't really understand at what. I saw the way she looked at him and the way she smiled. She put her head against his chest and looked truly content. Had she ever looked that way with me? I had thought so, but now I wasn't so sure.

I had denied her so much that I would not deny her this. I made a vow to myself that I would never take Bella's happiness away from her again.

After the front door shut behind them I sped back to the room and crawled into the bed that Bella had just left. I let the blankets cover me and buried my face in the pillows letting her smell consume me. I was full of despair, but I only had myself to blame. I made my bed and now I had to lie in it, literally.

I'm not sure how long I laid like that, perhaps an hour, I think I could have laid there forever, but Alice came in and I noticed that her mood had lightened measurably. She was more like herself as she bounced into the room with a big smile on her face. I hadn't noticed how much Alice had been affected by everything because I was too consumed by my own pity, but it was of my own making, Alice was right about that.

"I can see Bella again. The dog isn't with her anymore." She said in a sing-song voice as she twirled around a few times. Oh, how I had missed my exuberant sister.

"I'm through with messing with her life. I'm going to let her be happy." My voice was somber and muffled by the blankets and pillows.

"How do you know she is?"

"Well, I saw her face when she was with him and she looked exceedingly happy to me." I said dryly because it wasn't something I cared to dwell upon, not aloud anyway.

"That's not what I saw." I could hear the optimism in her voice and it made me want to sink deeper into the blankets.

"I thought you couldn't see dogs?"

"I can't see their future, but I can see well enough what's in front of my own two eyes and what I saw only had to do with you and Bella. When she woke up she only wanted _you _and when she thought you were dead and that she only saw you because she had died….she would have preferred death." Alice spoke calmly with her hands clasped in front of her while she stood next to the bed.

I remembered seeing the conviction on Bella's face when she knew that she had seen me and I remember her head falling in defeat thinking she had been taken away from the only place where I was.

"Even if that's true it doesn't mean she wants to be with me in life or that she'll ever forgive me." I said defensively.

"Doesn't it?" Alice asked with a smirk on her face as she glided out the door.

I allowed myself to share in Alice's hope, completely disregarding the fact that she could be wrong. I had bet against Alice enough times to know that it was definitely not in my best interest. I didn't waste another second. Instantly, I was outside and running towards Bella's house in the light drizzle of rain. I had made this run many times, but none as important as this time. I didn't deserve Bella's love or her forgiveness and I knew this; I had known this all along. But it wasn't about what I deserved; it was about what _she_ deserved and she deserved to make the decision for herself. If she forgave me I would never leave her side and if she dismissed me I would let her be happy. I wouldn't necessarily leave, but I would no longer interfere in her life. Either way it would be her choice this time.

**BPOV**

I was still wrapped in the blanket from the Cullens' house and I was curled up with my knees pressed against my chest. The pressure probably should've hurt against my sore ribs, but the medication Carlisle gave me seemed to be working pretty well with the exception of the burning sensation that was in full effect. It felt like if my knees weren't there that I would come undone and a pile of ash would fall out of my chest. I concentrated on my breathing as a way to fight off the tears that were threatening to make themselves known again. At least Jake couldn't see me, I had my back to him and was staring out the window as we drove to my house.

It felt as if I were in an episode of The Twilight Zone. I had woke up today planning on accepting the fact that Edward was gone, but it wasn't a fact at all; it was a lie. This morning I left my house oblivious to the truth and was on my way to proclaim my love to Jake or whatever it was I was doing in going there.

I was so full of anger at the moment I found out the truth that I couldn't even think straight, but now I was just exhausted. I felt like I was kicked while I was down, both literally and figuratively. I leaned my head against the cold glass of the window and closed my eyes, so I couldn't see the rain drops run down the window because it brought back an eerie memory of the water on the other side of my truck window from just earlier today. Wow. Could it have just been this morning that all of this happened? It felt like days ago that all these life changing events had occurred. This morning I was just trying to start my life anew and I end up almost dying in the ocean. Jacob was at his house expecting me to show up and instead he ended up picking me up from Edward's house. And this brings us to Edward who was presumably going on with his life or eternal existence, whatever he wanted to call it, he had decisively removed me from it. I actually felt sorry for Edward. He wanted so badly to be rid of me, but it seemed his duty and guilt bound him to me even still.

I didn't even realize that we had stopped until Jacob's tapping on the window signaled me to move. He opened the car door and gently carried me into the house and up to my room. I felt oddly out of place in my own bed as I tried to get comfortable while Jacob was leaving a note for Charlie to explain the absence of my truck. He told me he was going to say that I wasn't feeling well while I was at his house and he had drove me home and would bring my truck back later.

When he came back upstairs he brought me a glass of water and a bowl of soup. I drank most of the water because my mouth felt so dry, I assumed from all the salt water, but didn't bother with the soup because I didn't feel like sitting up. Jake put them both on my desk for later and I saw him touch the shell and the feather that I had on the shelf before he turned back around.

"Bella, I know you're tired, so I'm going to let you sleep. I really need to talk to Sam about today's events anyway, but I'll be back later, ok?" It really was a question. If I had asked him not to go he wouldn't have and I think he was hoping that I would, but I didn't.

I nodded my head and I could feel my eyelids getting very heavy. He kissed my cheek and left, saying that the sooner he left the sooner he could get back, but I think he was saying it more to himself than to me.

I let my eyes close and I thought sleep would come fast, but of course it didn't. Jake would be back soon and then we could talk, but did I want to tell him the same things I was going to tell him this morning? Why wouldn't I? Even though everything had changed, really nothing had. Edward would rather 'die' than be with me, so why shouldn't I be happy? I should, but the real question was _could_ I be happy, truly happy, with Jake. That question wasn't as easily answered.

I started to think about how I felt. I felt hate. I hated Edward so much that I started to cry just thinking about it. Tears of anger and betrayal flowed down my cheeks. I was shaking all over I was so angry. I kept thinking _What had I done to deserve this? _But, what made me angry most of all was myself because the truth was I didn't hate Edward, not even a little, not even at all. I loved him. I never stopped and it never lessened. I even wished I could at least hate him for not feeling the same way, but I couldn't really blame him for that.

The tears kept streaming down my face, but I could tell that I was falling asleep and that's when I felt it and I gasped. My eyes shot open to a figure kneeling in front of me with his hand in my hair. I could feel his fingers twirling in it and I could see the faintest trace of a crooked smile on his face. He was almost in complete darkness except for the dim sunlight that was quickly fading with the dusk. The sun was almost gone, the day was almost gone; it was twilight.

I couldn't say that I didn't enjoy the feeling. It was almost comforting, even more so than it had been on his past visits, but it was always harder once he was gone again. I just couldn't deal with this right now. I was exhausted and just wanted to sleep.

"Go away. I don't need you anymore!" I said much harsher than what was necessary.

"Bella, please listen to me…" His voice trailed off as I continued to stare at him.

I'm sure I looked quite confused as I thought to my self _Only I could be blessed with hallucinations that argue with me._

He didn't start talking again and I assumed it was because he was a part of my subconscious and my subconscious wanted him to shut the hell up so that I could go to sleep. I could still barely see him, but it didn't stop me from trying my hardest as I squinted my eyes.

"I'm going to turn on the light before you go blind." He said.

"You're not very original, now are you?" I scoffed.

Well, if he could argue with me than I could argue with him, right? Or I guess that all I was really doing was arguing with myself, but whatever. He never moved and I continued to wish that I could see him better.

"What are you talking about?"

"You said that the second night you were here." I said in a flat tone because it was absolutely no fun to argue with yourself.

"No, I didn't."

"Uh, yeah you did."

"No, I didn't." He stated very sternly.

"Ugh! Whatever, I'm through with arguing with a figment of my imagination." And I was, so I closed my eyes and prepared to go to sleep, but unfortunately my hallucination was pesky and stubborn.

"Bella, what on Earth are you talking about? Did you take too may of those pills?"

My eyes slowly opened and I thought about the tingles I could still feel on my scalp.

_Crap!_

"Oh no! You're really here aren't you!?" I was starting to panic. I couldn't believe that he was really here and I just called him a figment of my imagination.

"Bella, are you ok because I can go get Carlisle if you're not feeling well." He asked in a composed voice, but I could tell that he was worried.

"No, I'm fine. I was just…confused that's all."

"Confused? What did you mean by what you said?"

"I don't want to tell you." My voice sounded more sad than compelling.

"Please." His voice was pleading and he was still kneeling on the floor having never gotten up to turn on the light.

"Fine." I sighed. What could it hurt, right? "I had hallucinations of you when you were gone."

"What?" He asked because he was shocked and not because he hadn't heard me.

"When I was upset you would come and comfort me…sometimes. Well, not the real you. Are you the real you?" I asked skeptically.

Ok, maybe the pills were a little too strong after all would the fake know he was a fake and if he did would he lie about it? I shook my head. Yeah, definitely the pills. He moved quickly and turned the light on and the instant I could see him I knew.

I had always thought that my 'fake' Edward was beautiful, but he was ugly in comparison to the real thing that stood before me. I've never in my life seen someone as handsome as Edward and I know that I never will. Nope, I could definitely not blame him for not wanting to be with me.

He sat next to me on the bed and I noticed I was still crying when his icy hand wiped my cheeks and then took its place back in my hair.

"I'm so sorry, Bella. Really you have to believe how sorry I am." He begged.

Oh no, I didn't need his pity and guilt and this had to stop right now. I couldn't have him here in my room with his fingers twirling in my hair because he felt bad, it would just hurt more than I already knew it would when he left again.

"No, Edward! You have to go. You can't be here!" I was starting to get frantic and my breathing was getting irregular and my tears heavier.

"Please, it wasn't supposed to be this way just let me explain. I'm so sorry I hurt you." It sounded as if his voice was as frantic as mine, but of course I wasn't the most coherent person at the moment.

Well, of course it wasn't supposed to be like this. He didn't think he'd ever have to come back, but of course Edward was far too protective to not intervene. If he needed to apologize and receive forgiveness to feel better and leave then I would give it to him.

"Edward, I forgive you, just please go." Just go before you kill me any more.

"It's because of your boyfriend isn't it?!" He asked in a low growl.

"What?" Oh my God. It felt like reality was crashing down on my like a wave from the ocean and it took the breath right out of me. All of these months I still considered Edward my boyfriend. I convinced myself that he wouldn't leave me willingly and that he still loved me as much as I loved him. Even this morning I was having a difficult time with letting that go, but now it had become painfully, in the literal sense, obvious that he had let go of it a long time ago.

I sobbed hard into my hands and my body ached all over.

"Bella, what's wrong? I don't want to cause problems for you. I may not like Jacob, but I don't want you unhappy, so I'll just go."

"It's not that." I said too quickly because honestly the thought of Edward leaving made my chest feel like it was going to explode.

"Then what's the problem?"

"You are." I said out of breath because it was really hard to talk when I could barely breathe. The burning in my chest hadn't been this bad for awhile, but the devastated look all over Edward's face didn't do anything to help that.

"I mean, up until today I still considered you my boyfriend…I'm so stupid." I mumbled the last part into my hands.

He looked as confused as I had and he just stared at all the pictures of Jake and I that were on the wall.

"We're friends, Edward."

"Yeah, whatever. I guess it's really none of my business either way." It sounded like he was trying to sound harsh, but really he just sounded sad and I just shrugged my shoulders in response.

"I guess you guys have to hate each other, huh?" They were sworn enemies, it was just engrained into them, like cats and dogs I suppose.

"I guess so." He answered quietly while staring deep into my eyes. It was too much and I had to look away.

"Considering that he could maul you at any given moment, it's a pretty good incentive for hate." He said smugly.

"I get that." I said completely serious. "It's the same reason he hates you actually, I mean besides that he's a werewolf and hates all vampires. He has a special hate for you knowing that you could drain me of life at any moment," Or really that he already had, but I just couldn't bring myself to say that part out loud. It would've just been cruel to say and I was trying really hard to censor what I said to Edward.

"Bella, I would never do that, but you keep insinuating that I would!"

"Maybe it's because you have!" I clamped my hand over my mouth as soon as the words were spoken.

"You're absurd and I sincerely fear for your sanity. You really don't have any sense of self preservation do you, Bella?"

"Apparently not if I'm sitting here talking to you! You know you can hate Jake all you want, but the truth is I'd be dead if is wasn't for him!"

"What do you mean?" He sneered at me.

"I mean he saved my life. He has saved my life so many times." and I didn't deserve any of them.

"Victoria?"

"Yes." I said weakly. He was growling now and he grabbed me so quickly I didn't see him coming and I yelped because I was surprised and it kind of hurt.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Bella. I didn't mean to hurt you."

"No, I'm fine." My voice was shaky and he still had his arms loosely around me and he was dangerously close to my face. He didn't let go and I started shaking from being so close to him. His expression looked angry and I wasn't sure why.

"Bella, I promise you I will find her and make you safe again…" He mumbled something else under his breath, but I couldn't hear what it was.

I was relieved, giddy even, when I realized he wasn't angry at me or because of me. I felt an evil grin spread across my face and let out an inappropriate chuckle.

"Like I said it's the wolves' purpose and they serve it well." I said matter-of-factly as I tried to avoid looking into his dark eyes.

"They killed Victoria? I don't believe it!"

"It's true. It wasn't easy she escaped from them many times, but she always came back." I saw him flinch just the slightest amount because he knew as well as I did the reason for that. "But, she's gone, Edward. I watched the whole time as she burned." I had a stupid smile on face because that was a good day. Maybe it wasn't really revenge or anything like that now, but I still hated her and I had felt real joy when I watched her be destroyed that day and I wasn't going to let him take that from me. That's sick isn't it?

"You, what? You were there!?"

"Well, yeah she followed me and they attacked her." I was too tired to give him the full version and I really didn't want to talk about how going to his house had led me to almost getting attacked by a vampire...twice.

"Like a trap? They used you for bait?!"

"Yeah, right. Like Jake would ever allow that, pssh." I waved my hand at him dismissively, but noticed quickly that he was taking this very seriously and his concerned expression wasn't changing. I hated that look on his face. "Oh Edward, it was a great sight though. I wish I could show you." I said sorrowfully. The way that Jake had her neck in between is razor sharp teeth and I had spat right in her face!

"I have enough memories of vampire battles involving you to last me an eternity." He said dryly and with a slight laugh even though we both knew that it wasn't really funny.

"This time was very different." I said reminiscently, but he clearly did not want me to elaborate. He glanced over at the pictures again, but only briefly.

"So, you and Jake are together all the time." It wasn't a question, but I gave a little nod. "Do you sleep together a lot?"

"Excuse me!?" I'm sure I didn't hear him correctly, but my entire face turned beet red anyway.

"I, um, didn't mean it like _that_. I just meant spend the night and sleep, just sleep. Oh God, nevermind" He sounded almost as mortified as I was even though I couldn't imagine how.

"Wait. Did you see something? Is that why you're asking?"

"Yes, I saw his memory of you screaming and you were sitting on a bed that wasn't your own."

"That's when you fell today?"

"Yes, I have heard nothing worse than those screams."

"Well, then I really feel bad for Charlie because he head to hear them every night."

"Every single night?" He asked incredulously.

"Yeah, mostly. I had nightmares."

"Nightmares?" He asked hesitantly like he wasn't sure if he wanted to hear the answer. I was sure he didn't, but I couldn't lie about it.

"See, I remembered _that _night. I knew you were here and I knew when you left. I heard your fight with Victoria and those screams and screeches haunted my dreams almost this whole time."

His head hung low and I thought I heard him say something like 'I am a monster', but I wasn't sure.

"Edward, I told you I forgive you please I don't need your pity and guilt just go."

"Is that why you think I'm here?"

"Why else would you be here? I gave you your forgiveness what else could you possibly want?" Because I don't have anything left…I'm empty.

"Oh, Bella" He said as he pulled me in closer.

I didn't fight it because I knew there was no point, but really I didn't have the strength to fight it anymore. My head fell on his chest and he squeezed me a little tighter. I closed my eyes and tried to remember everything about this moment. His embrace was cold, but not like the chill of the ocean water it was actually very comfortable and the buzz of electricity and his scent was all around me. How many nights had I cried to experience this once more? It was overwhelming to get a wish that was once thought impossible. Edward was composed and rigid which wasn't unusual for him because I knew it took all of his restraint to be around me, but I felt his whole body relax and felt his cool breath on my head as he exhaled even though I knew he rarely breathed around me.

"Please, Bella. Please, help me." He was desperately begging me, but I really wasn't sure for what. If I did know I knew I would be powerless to deny him anything.

"I'm just me what could I possibly do for you? How important could I be when you left me far behind?" I felt a tear run down my cheek.

I could feel Edward's embrace slowly tighten around me and it started to become uncomfortable, but I couldn't even bring myself to object because I would rather have all my ribs broken then have him stop touching me. I whimpered quite loudly, but not because it hurt, but because being this close to him knowing that it could quite possibly be the last time was beyond painful. It felt hard to breath and my head was getting dizzy.

"Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you." He said worriedly, but I assured him that he didn't. "You probably need more medication don't you?" He asked while looking at the clock and I just nodded.

I fished the pill bottle out of my pocket and handed it to him.

"Well, this is better than having it thrown at my head." He said with a laugh. It really didn't seem like a big deal to him, but I blushed and looked down because I was embarrassed by the way I had acted.

"That was definitely not my finest moment." I admitted while I continued to look down.

"I deserve a lot worse" I heard him whisper.

I hurt so badly inside. I was bruised and battered from the crash and I was still completely heart broken from when he left me. It was so wrong of him to do, to leave me the way he did, but it wasn't like he didn't have the right to go. I know that he handled it completely wrong, understatement of the year, but even if he would have broken up with me like a normal person and said "Hey Bella, I don't want to be with you anymore." it really wouldn't have changed much, but he wasn't exactly a 'normal person' was he? Even so, I would've still been completely devastated and heartbroken nothing would have changed that. I was lost in the fog of my own thoughts and before I could say anything Edward began to speak.

"I'll get you some water for your pills."

"Jake put some over there." I pointed with a shaky hand over to the desk where the soup and water sat.

"I'll get you fresh" and he was out the door before I could protest.

I still felt extremely uneasy with him being here and every second made my broken heart more conflicted. He came back with fresh water and a sandwich. He handed me the pills and the glass of water which he promptly took back when I was done and then handed me the sandwich that was on a small plate.

"I don't think you've eaten all day and you really shouldn't take those pills on an empty stomach." I didn't argue because I was hungry and I was glad that I didn't have to sit up to eat the sandwich.

"I saw the note that Jacob left about your truck and we'll let you know when it's ready to be picked up. Rose and Alice have parts being shipped in from all over, so I assume that it will be a few days." His voice lacked feeling and I just nodded in response as I continued to eat. I made a mental note to argue about the bill when I was more coherent.

"I have to go." He said urgently.

I froze. I didn't move at all. I didn't chew, swallow, or blink. I don't even think I took a breath. I understood that he had done what he came here to do; he saved me. I didn't feel particularly saved, but I had known since earlier that his impending departure was inevitable. The breath I was holding came out ragged with a sob and a few tears rolled down my cheeks even though I was trying so hard not to break down in front of him.

"No, Bella. Jake is down the street. I won't leave you again, but neither one of us wants a confrontation."

I nodded, but the tears kept falling. I wasn't sure if I would really see him again.

"I don't want to leave, but if you'll let me I'll come back and we'll talk…about everything." He said with his voice full of hope.

I nodded again and Edward placed his cold lips on my forehead, pausing for just a moment before disappearing out the window.

I didn't even realize I had fallen asleep until I started dreaming. Edward and I were in the meadow and we were lying side by side on the green grass. After much time had passed we stood up to leave. Edward was walking towards the path when I was distracted by an eagle soaring across the sky above us and when I looked back down Edward was gone. I turned in every direction, but every where I looked there were only trees. I continued to look, but there was nothing. Literally nothing and the darkness threatened to consume me as I stood there completely alone. He had left me again.

I woke up with a gasp as I shot up in my bed. I moaned in pain and I saw Jake's worried face looking back at me from the rocking chair. I collapsed back onto the bed and he didn't hesitate to come and sit by me.

"How long was I asleep?"

"I don't know. You were asleep when I got back a couple of hours ago."

I began to wonder if I had just dreamt that Edward was here, but I saw the remnants of my sandwich on the floor and I didn't know if he would really come back, but I knew that he had been here.

"Bella, can we talk?" His face looked more worried than I could ever remember seeing before.

"Sure"

"What exactly happened this morning?"

"I was in a car accident. Well, it was more of a truck/bridge accident. I lost control on the icy road and went off the side of the bridge. I tried to get out, but the door wouldn't open and I couldn't get the window down or to break. The next thing I remember is waking up at the Cullens' house." The voice telling the story didn't sound like my own. It was distant and detached like a spectator describing the incident instead of someone who had actually gone through it.

"Were you running from _him_?"

"What? Who?" The confusion was evident in my voice.

"Where were you going so early in the morning? Were you running from Edward?" He asked slowly as if to help me understand.

"I was going to your house like I told you I was last night on the phone and why would I be running from Edward? I didn't even see him until I woke up after the accident."

"Bella, he was here this morning. I caught him leaving your room right before dawn."

"What?! That doesn't even make any sense." I said desperately more to myself. "If he was here why would he let me leave and almost drown?" I was crying again and I was more confused than earlier if that's even possible.

"Bella, he was here before I got back, too. This place reeks of him."

"I know. He came when I was awake." I said sheepishly.

"Bella, I'm worried to death about you. You can't handle him leaving and I won't let him break you again."

I felt a pain as he spoke the words, but they were true. He didn't just leave me, he left me completely broken.

"Jake, I don't want to stay here. Please, take me to your house." I whimpered and he nodded in agreement because he knew just as well as I did that that was the one place Edward couldn't go to find me.

"I need to tell Sam. He's out in the woods…just in case." He said quickly as he darted outside. I didn't really find Sam being outside peculiar since I knew the wolves patrolled all over the woods behind my house.

I started throwing clothes and a few other things in a bag when the phone rang and I nearly jumped out of my skin. I should've known this would happen.

"Hello"

"Hi, Bella. It's Alice I suppose you know why I'm calling."

"To stop me?"

"No, I'm not trying to stop you. I just want to talk to you for a minute before you leave if that's ok?"

"Sure" I said skeptically.

"Can I ask you some questions?" Alice asked nicely.

"Yeah, but you're really not going to try to stop me or stall-"

"No, Bella. I'm not trying to stop you and believe me there's no need for me to stall. Edward could've had Jacob's battery disconnected and been back by now, but that's not going to happen." I wasn't sure if she was just saying that to me or perhaps she was saying it to Edward also. It was true that Jacob had a special kind of hate for Edward and I didn't want to think about how that would escalate if he would dare touch the beloved Rabbit.

"I was just wondering if you know Emily Young."

"Yes, I do. She's a very good friend of mine." I answered simply.

"Of course, so you know that she never had an encounter with a bear then?"

"Yes, I know that. Is that why you called? To ask about Emily?"

"No, it's not, but you know that could happen to you right?"

I didn't get a chance to respond I only got a noise out that sounded like 'yeah right'.

"I'm not saying that he's capable of hurting you or becoming that angry at you, but it could be any one of them. You could be standing too close when an enemy came near. You know that's probable. Heck, swamp thing himself could rise from the waters of First Beach and it would surprise me no more than the sun rising in the East." She was trying to make light of what she was saying, but it did no good. I was getting very angry.

"Actually Alice, no it's not probable and I think someone such as yourself and Edward who have made their own mistakes would think better of pointing their fingers at someone else. Sam has been forgiven for his mistake, so who are we to judge him for it? Anyone can make a mistake like that, such as Jasper and I have forgiven him just as Emily has forgiven Sam." The words just flew out of my mouth without a second thought and the conviction in my voice was unwavering.

"Bella, I -" Her voice sounded so hurt and I couldn't find it in myself to feel bad.

"No, Alice. I meant what I said. I hold no grudge against any of you, but where do you guys get off on accusing the wolves of anything!? You left me here alone to fend for myself and if it wasn't for them I would've died a horrible death. I've been there when they've fought and I know they wouldn't hurt me. So, did you call to tell me otherwise? Did you call to tell me that you see my fate to be the same as Emily's?"

"If I did would it stop you from going there?"

"No"

"That's why I called." She let out an exhausted breath and I realized that she must've been trying to prove some point, but I wasn't in a clear frame of mind to think about that now.

"Goodbye." I said and the line went dead instantly.

I sat on my bed with my bag on my lap and waited for Jacob to return. I loved Edward, but I knew my limitations and I knew my own strength. If he left me again I would surely die and when it came to him I had no strength left.

It wasn't long before Jake came back and despite my protests he carried me to his car quietly as to not wake Charlie who had gotten home sometime when I was asleep. Then we were driving in the dark night to his house. I kept my eyes shut the whole time, but I knew when we were going over the bridge and I clung to his arm as he whispered a 'shh' and told me everything was going to fine and for some reason I believed him that everything was going to be fine even if I had no idea how.

**A/N - **

**Yes, I borrowed a line from 10 Things I Hate About You (The awesome movie not the craptastic TV show) because I just couldn't help it :)**

**So, originally it was planned that Edward would say a whole lot more than he actually did, but Bella was all drugged up and we were on a time limit with Jakey Poo coming back, so we're saving truth time for when Bella will be more 'with it'.**

**Alice, who is jumping up and down and clapping behind me, wants me to tell you that the next chapter will begin in her pov.**

**I love to hear what you guys think, please review :)**


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